Whoever said that Halloween is just for kids and trick-or-treating? Yes, adults have fun too with the decorating, costumes, and parties. But I’d like to also suggest taking this a step further by using Halloween as a relationship-building tool. Why not? Why waste a perfectly set up situation with built in opportunities for awesomeness?
Depending on the current status of your relationship and your relationship’s needs, there are different ways to take advantage of this holiday. I’ve come to recognize three levels of “involvement” in couples: Closeness, Intimacy and Passion, what I’ve termed the CIP Principal™. These levels are not necessarily mutually exclusive, progressive in nature, contingent on each other, or otherwise reliably related in anyway…
I have found that couples move between these, have them all, have none or have different combinations of them at different times… There is no normal or preferred way, there are pros and cons to everything, and relating is never perfect. It is what it is, and it is for a reason… We can’t force what isn’t nor give up on our desires… Our job is to determine where we are and what we need right now, and to go from there…
Determine which level you are in this week and what Stretch you are willing to make to move into the level of your current desire. Please note, that if you are struggling in your relationship that you might not even register in CIP. Don’t let this disturb you. This is where you are, and that’s OK. Choose the level in which you’d feel comfortably out of your comfort zone…, and go for that. If you are still not sure of where to start, go with Closeness.
I’ve tailored suggestions on how to use the holiday for relationship building and enriching according to “involvement” levels:
Closeness –Planning to partake in the holiday to varying degrees. Being aware of the holiday and discussing with your partner how to celebrate. This might include decorating the outdoors, setting up for and receiving trick-or-treaters, going trick-or-treating, going to a Halloween party or other related event.
Intimacy –Planning to enjoy the holiday to varying degrees. Inviting your partner to join in the fun. This might include dressing up, dressing up that plays off each other’s costumes, playing pranks, hosting a Halloween party, hosting pre event gatherings or after parties…
Passion – Planning to savor the holiday to varying degrees. Seducing your partner into more private fun… This might include more provocative and insinuating dressing up, attending more adult – “flirtatious and enticing” events or venues, hosting a masquerade party, hosting a seductive spooky dinner party, hosting your own “live-out your fantasy” private party…
These are guidelines to spark more specific ideas fitting your situation, relationship and desires. They can be extrapolated for use in other holidays and celebrations as well. Remember you can do whatever you want. Your imagination is the limit. Don’t let fear, ego, insecurities, and the like hold you back from having fun in your Life and Relationship, enjoying your Self, and Being with your Partner…
The more you invest in the interactions at each Level the more you’ll enjoy your involvement, and the more awesomeness you create. Go for it. Take a risk. Push the envelope. Get out of your comfort zone. And enjoy unnerving, provoking, exhilarating, and elating fun!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Enjoying!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify what level of “involvement” you desire to Stretch into in your relationship this week: Closeness – Partaking Intimacy – Enjoying Passion – Savoring Approach your partner about Halloween Plans and Relationship Fun related to your desired level. Invite them to codesign a befitting activity or outing for some spooky and thrilling relationship fun! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Having fun in our relationship is paramount to its survival. Relationships are challenging. We have to integrate two completely different lives, usually with different gender, brains and biology, upbringing, histories, ethnicity, religion, worldviews, expectations, and many others, to create a joint life.
There is so much room for disagreements, confusion, and impasses contributing to the already stuck dynamics and power struggle created by unconscious mechanisms… Fun is an easy way to build in reserves necessary to persevere through the challenges. The problem is that couples “forget” along the way to have fun…
Additionally, partners have different definitions of fun, what fun is, how to go about having fun, finding similar interest and mutually enjoyed ventures. And, to top this off, partners get into domestic routines and roles that prevent them from spontaneity, exploring, wooing and surprising each other, and from Being their Authentic individual Selves. All this is a formula for disaster…
Here are several ways to add, keep, or bring back Fun into your relationship:Basics – There has to be an underlying thread of lightheartedness, sharing inside jokes, playfulness, teasing, flirting and such built into your daily interactions.
Celebrations – Anything and everything is worth acknowledging and celebrating with special focus on birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments and holidays. Expand your repertoire of what and how you celebrate. Create inspiring traditions and rituals.
Vacations and Time Off – Use this time to learn the world and cultures, have stimulating experiences, pamper your Selves, and enjoy each other outside the restrictions of daily routines and responsibilities.
Dating – Build in a Dating mechanism. Put a system in place to be tweaked as necessary but otherwise automated so you can’t “forget” to keep dating each other… Hold on to your feminine and masculine energies during this time. This is what keeps the chemistry and attraction alive… Get creative and invest in having great experiences. Be with each other. Share your internal worlds when on your dates. This builds intimacy and bonding.
Adventure – Expand your range of experiences. Stimulate your senses. Get your adrenaline pumping. Do something unusual. Feel Alive together. Create memories and stories.
Journey Building – Invest in self-growth and improvement, relationship enrichment, and other learning. Take on meaningful ventures, projects, or undertakings that impact your quality of life and create opportunities for commonality, relatedness and togetherness. Capitalize on your complementary strengths. Focus on what works and appreciate each other’s contributions. Enjoy your process.
Community and Philanthropy – Socialize with other couples. Do community projects. Be of service to the less fortunate. Take on or participate in a cause. Bring your Purposes to life; implement your Missions. Inspire each other. Support each other. Be your partner’s sounding board. Have fun brainstorming and implement.
When you systematize and automate having fun, to ensure you don’t “forget” to have fun in your relationship, you are implementing a fail-safe plan. This is your Relationship Insurance Policy. You are investing in its sustenance. This fuels the relationship through its ups-and-downs, times of transitions and when life deals you a rough hand.
If you have been struggling having fun together, make sure you immediately address this from a different angle to get a different result. You have to have Fun. You need to have this built-in to feed your goodwill and awesomeness reserve for times of famine! Get moving and have some fun!!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Feeding!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to think about the level of Fun in your relationship. Review the Fun Categories below and assess how much fun you have in each…
Daily Interactions Celebrations Vacations and Time Off Dating Adventure Journey Building Community and Philanthropy What category is calling you for more attention?
Discuss with your Partner how you can spice up this area. Create a plan for integrating this into your life where you are automatically pulled into the Fun (i.e., block time off and vacations, set reminders to send your partner a joke everyday, make one weekend day a Date Day, pick one day per month to do something outside-the-box, etc).
Add this to your Tool Kit…
~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end!
Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!
Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship™ Family!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A lot of times when we are feeling stressed, bored, out-of-sync, reactive, and other such feelings, part of the reason is that we are operating from a less-than-resourceful state and are not tapping into our fullness, power and authenticity.
When we operate from this place and do not bring our best self forward, we are robbing yourself of a richer experience and our partner of being in a genuine relationship with us. They are in relationship with the worst of us! And, then we wonder how come we get the worst of them!!
It is challenging to be in a relationship when both partners are seeing the worst of each other and consistently operate from a triggered state. This relationship is a struggle and a drag. The partners are tired, hopeless and feel stuck.
If this resonates with you, it is time for a change! Stop worrying about what your partner is doing or not doing, and focus instead on what you bring to the relationship. Look at yourself from your partner’s perspective. Ouch! Not so pretty is it?
Change the focus from how you want your partner to change to how you are going to change.
It is time to bring more parts of you to the relationship. It is time to use the best parts of you. It is time to stop reacting. It is time to bring loving, accepting, nurturing and positive energy to your interactions. It is time for you to be mindfully available to your partner. It is time for the real – not the manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive, reactive, chip-on-the-shoulder you – to come out and play!
Bring the best you to the table and do it now. Start giving you, your partner, your relationship and your life the gift of the Real You!
Happy Giving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick 1 characteristic about you that is not conducive to a satisfying relationship and stop using it.
Pick 2 characteristics about you that you don’t frequently use but bring out the best in you and implement them more into your MO.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I learned to listen to my husband’s wishes. This might sound simple and easy to do, and even a given, right? But it’s not. It’s common for partners to give and do for each other what they’d like for themselves. Just this week I was talking with a client who does not like to make a fuss over her birthday so she doesn’t make one over her husband’s either, when the he actually wants a fuss!
I wish, my husband likes to fly under the radar also. I’ve learned to respect and honor that. I’ve learned not to embarrass him with undo attention and lavish gifts. It makes him uncomfortable. So, why would I celebrate him and gift him in that way? Who am I really gifting then…?
This works both ways. Whoever wants the fuss, should get the fuss. Whoever wants a modest acknowledgement, should get a modest acknowledgement. Who are we to tell our partner what would make them feel good, how they should celebrate and what kind of birthday, or whatever, they should have?
I see so much pain caused by these impositions. Partners’ refuse to do right by their partner… It’s their way or the highway, never mind their partner’s wishes. Yikes!
Partners also get hang up on fairness. They play the tit-for-tat game. If I do this, YOU have to do this. If it doesn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother you. I’m OK with it, why aren’t you? If I am mindful of this, you should be mindful of this. And, on and on. Fairness is overrated! There is no such thing as fair in relationship.
There will be such things as when one does more than the other, one makes more than the other, one invest more or better than the other, etc. Such is life. If you are both committed, trying and investing you are in good shape.
Don’t get hang up on the details of it all. It’s just noise, minutia and irrelevant life content. You each contribute in your own unique and necessary way… Don’t quantify your investment. Don’t Do in your relationship, Be in your relationship.
And, it’s definitely OK to have double standards! Yes, that’s right. Please read this carefully. This is a huge thing for couples. Partner’s get hang up on justness, rightness, equality, balance, and such in their relating. They worry about how come some rules apply to one and not the other. And, this might be the case for you as well. So, there are two ways to go about this. One, when a rule is made, it applies to both partners.
The one that really cares about the rule, and the other. Both partners agree to abide by this rule. The one that doesn’t particularly love or agree or need the rule complies to meet the partner’s need. Two, when a rule is made, it applies to only one partner.
One partner does a certain behavior, even if they don’t particularly care to, again as an investment. They don’t have the same need, so they don’t require the same behavior of their partner.
The theme here is to stretch and to go out of our way to meet our partner’s needs… Partner’s usually go about this the opposite way. They are all about their own selves, ego driven, thoughtless, uncaring, and selfish. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT encouraging selflessness! I’m encouraging Love…
So, make sure you understand where you both stand on your “rules”. Explore these. What are the wishes, preferences, expectations, guidelines, contracts and agreements that you are each to follow in order to be attuned, connected, safe, synchronized, on the same page, together, and partnering effortlessly?
Don’t impose your wishes for your partner on your partner, they can have their own wishes! Express yours mindfully and respectfully without trumping your partner’s.
Stay open minded, creative, resourceful, giving, compassionate, accepting and forgiving. Both your needs then get met…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Meeting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify an area such as celebrating, planning, eating, cleaning, connecting, investing, parenting, dressing, exercising, or whatever, where you have been out of sync or where there has been tension because you have a different approach or preference.
STOP telling your partner what to do, how to do it, how to feel, what to want, how to be and the like, get out of their circle!
Approach your partner about this topic with the gift of letting go… Let them know that going forward they can do it their way…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Oh boy, it’s that time of year when transitions are most prevalent. How do you manage transitions? How do you gear up for new phases, stages, developments, plans, routines, opportunities, seasons, and such? These show up in all areas of our life.
Some of us do better than others at managing transitions well. Leaving something we know, or love, for something new is not always easy. Peeps who experience ADD have specially challenging times with this – switching gears is not easy.
Here are two ways to go about any transition with smashing results and wonderful feelings:Coordinate the Color of Your Underwear – I know some peeps are not fans of picking-up, putting away, decluttering, sorting, organizing, and the big P word – Planning… There are certain personality types that love this kind of thing, others not so much. Planning cannot be overly emphasized when it comes to transitions.
Knowing why, what, how, when, and next moves crates safety, security, ease, control and empowerment. When we know what to expect, our anxiety level goes down and we are able to have a better experience. This is also a sure way to minimize drama, surprises, things going wrong, not being prepared or not having what is needed, and so on. So, go ahead and plan to your heart’s content. Go nuts. You’ll be happy you did later.
Hint – Why not go In with a bang by being super duper organized and prepared? Have a birth plan and nursery set up before your third trimester. Have everything packed, movers and organizers, utilities, and deliveries set up before move-in day. Have back to school clothes, supplies, routines, and activities set up before the end of the summer. Have the first quarter products and launches developed and scheduled before the end of the year. Get my drift?
Get Out the Sparklers – Sometimes we have a hard time transitioning because we can’t let go. We enjoy the current status, situation, location, activity, moment, season, and anything else too much that the thought of no longer having it is unbearable. We can’t think of the next thing because we don’t want to let go of the current thing. Because we worry about it ending, we don’t get to enjoy it… We are neither here nor there. What a waste.
The best antidote for this is to go out with a bang! What would make enduring the end worthwhile? What would make a memorable closure? How can you REALLY enjoy the last of it? What ritual can you put in place to let go and say goodbye? How can you celebrate or acknowledge the change? Having a rocking last experience assists the wrapping up process.
It helps cut the cord. It helps to let go. So, go ahead and set up a feast of an experience to start moving on. Go nuts. You’ll be happy you did later
Hint – Why not go Out with a bang by absolutely devouring, enjoying, living and celebrating every last morsel of your present? Make the last day at the job a pranks day. Move on to your promoted position by taking out your current team for decadent gourmet desserts.
Celebrate completing a training program or higher education with a themed dinner party with classmates. Throw a block bash before moving to your new home. Have a rocking New Year’s Eve masquerade party. Give your family a philanthropic, adventurous, luxurious, creative, you name it unique experience to wrap up their summer. Get my drift?
Whether you choose to mastermind what’s coming, orchestrate a closure bash, or both, you will be ahead of the game in managing any transition you are currently facing. This level of intentionality is the meat and potatoes of creating a meaningful life. This allows for living and enjoying. No efforting. No noise. No drama. No nonsense.
When we invest in actualizing and celebrating through transitions, we manifest what we desire with ease, calm, peace, tranquility, security, satisfaction, gratification, strength, joy, and bliss. This is how things should be. This is what it means to live Authentically, to actually Live our life. This is the point…
Don’t miss out on the point… Have your full human experience by noticing, proactively creating, and living your life… At every turn you have a chance to create the life experiences your desire. At every turn you have the opportunity to enjoy the experiences you create. Enjoy them all… Live Authentically…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Transitioning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify a transition you are currently facing that you would like to crush. Invite your partner to be your crushing partner! Decide if you’ll mastermind what’s coming, orchestrate a closure bash, or both. Get really organized, thorough, resourceful, creative, and innovative. Really go for it. Invest in actualizing and celebrating in a big way. Pull out all the plugs. Enjoy the partnering process and the smashing outcome… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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