When partners create tunnel vision in their lives focusing all their energies on certain endeavors, they tend to loose sight of their partner and the relationship. These are the partners who feel disconnected and end up dissatisfied in their relationship.
A relationship can’t survive, never mind thrive, in neglect and abandonment. When our lives are full of To-Dos, chores, demands, busyness, obsessions, addictions, and are just plain focused on one or more particular endeavors (work, projects, children, etc.), we create a negative context for our partnership, a sea of muck for it to drown in.
When our partner falls down low on our priority list, are simply not taken into consideration on our daily coming and goings, or are just there because they are expected to make our life easier, we have lost sight of a key person in our life and a key factor in our happiness and satisfaction.
Life tends to get in the way of our relationship if we let it. We get too absorbed in what we are doing that we fail to appropriately attend to our partner and relationship. The longer we remain in this sea of darkness, the harder it is to find our way back to the bright shore…
I have seen this happen all too often. Partners share how they had set out to work really hard to secure their future together, but lost each other on the process. Some were so intent on their path that they got in each other’s way, and yet others just went down different paths and realized it when it was too late!
When these couples come in for counseling, they are so disconnected, hurt, dissatisfied, disillusioned and resentful, that a lot of our initial work has to do with undoing this mess! We have to rescue the couple back from the depths of darkness and the grip of death.
To prevent this gloomy scenario from becoming a reality in their relationship, partners need to make a conscious effort to avoid taking the relationship and their partner for granted. They need to be aware of when routines become too routine, when they are rushing about and are not present, and when they are consumed with other priorities and are neglecting and abandoning their partner, and take a moment to nurture the relationship give to their partner.
Stop being distracted by life and start swimming to shore!
Happy Swimming!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Create a list each of Caring Behaviors you would like to experience from your partner. Make the lists comprehensive and thorough so each partner has a wide variety of nurturing behaviors to choose from their partner’s list. Implement two Caring Behaviors each day and recycle items. These are a gift. Don’t keep tabs and don’t hold them over each other’s head. Enjoy giving each other pleasure!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Oh boy, it’s that time of year when transitions are most prevalent. How do you manage transitions? How do you gear up for new phases, stages, developments, plans, routines, opportunities, seasons, and such? These show up in all areas of our life.
Some of us do better than others at managing transitions well. Leaving something we know, or love, for something new is not always easy. Peeps who experience ADD have specially challenging times with this – switching gears is not easy.
Here are two ways to go about any transition with smashing results and wonderful feelings:Coordinate the Color of Your Underwear – I know some peeps are not fans of picking-up, putting away, decluttering, sorting, organizing, and the big P word – Planning… There are certain personality types that love this kind of thing, others not so much. Planning cannot be overly emphasized when it comes to transitions.
Knowing why, what, how, when, and next moves crates safety, security, ease, control and empowerment. When we know what to expect, our anxiety level goes down and we are able to have a better experience. This is also a sure way to minimize drama, surprises, things going wrong, not being prepared or not having what is needed, and so on. So, go ahead and plan to your heart’s content. Go nuts. You’ll be happy you did later.
Hint – Why not go In with a bang by being super duper organized and prepared? Have a birth plan and nursery set up before your third trimester. Have everything packed, movers and organizers, utilities, and deliveries set up before move-in day. Have back to school clothes, supplies, routines, and activities set up before the end of the summer. Have the first quarter products and launches developed and scheduled before the end of the year. Get my drift?
Get Out the Sparklers – Sometimes we have a hard time transitioning because we can’t let go. We enjoy the current status, situation, location, activity, moment, season, and anything else too much that the thought of no longer having it is unbearable. We can’t think of the next thing because we don’t want to let go of the current thing. Because we worry about it ending, we don’t get to enjoy it… We are neither here nor there. What a waste.
The best antidote for this is to go out with a bang! What would make enduring the end worthwhile? What would make a memorable closure? How can you REALLY enjoy the last of it? What ritual can you put in place to let go and say goodbye? How can you celebrate or acknowledge the change? Having a rocking last experience assists the wrapping up process.
It helps cut the cord. It helps to let go. So, go ahead and set up a feast of an experience to start moving on. Go nuts. You’ll be happy you did later
Hint – Why not go Out with a bang by absolutely devouring, enjoying, living and celebrating every last morsel of your present? Make the last day at the job a pranks day. Move on to your promoted position by taking out your current team for decadent gourmet desserts.
Celebrate completing a training program or higher education with a themed dinner party with classmates. Throw a block bash before moving to your new home. Have a rocking New Year’s Eve masquerade party. Give your family a philanthropic, adventurous, luxurious, creative, you name it unique experience to wrap up their summer. Get my drift?
Whether you choose to mastermind what’s coming, orchestrate a closure bash, or both, you will be ahead of the game in managing any transition you are currently facing. This level of intentionality is the meat and potatoes of creating a meaningful life. This allows for living and enjoying. No efforting. No noise. No drama. No nonsense.
When we invest in actualizing and celebrating through transitions, we manifest what we desire with ease, calm, peace, tranquility, security, satisfaction, gratification, strength, joy, and bliss. This is how things should be. This is what it means to live Authentically, to actually Live our life. This is the point…
Don’t miss out on the point… Have your full human experience by noticing, proactively creating, and living your life… At every turn you have a chance to create the life experiences your desire. At every turn you have the opportunity to enjoy the experiences you create. Enjoy them all… Live Authentically…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Transitioning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify a transition you are currently facing that you would like to crush. Invite your partner to be your crushing partner! Decide if you’ll mastermind what’s coming, orchestrate a closure bash, or both. Get really organized, thorough, resourceful, creative, and innovative. Really go for it. Invest in actualizing and celebrating in a big way. Pull out all the plugs. Enjoy the partnering process and the smashing outcome… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A common complaint in relationships is partners feeling disconnected from each other. I hear this as one of the primary concerns couples present with in my practice, aside from fighting a lot and not communicating.
As a couple is composed of two different individuals who have different histories, upbringings, personalities, ways of looking at things and processing information, styles of communication and many other individual characteristics, it is easy to get disconnected. This gets even further compounded with current dynamics and contexts if an effort to stay connected is not made.
As partners are different from each other in all these areas, it comes as no surprise that they are different in what they need to feel connected and to connect as well. I have come across three different styles of connecting:
ACTIVE (doing)- The partner wants to do fun activities, projects, or other endeavors together. They look to feel like a partnership, a unit, or a team. They seek to have a common sense of purpose, a shared destination. They want approaches, goals, tasks spelled out. These partners are on the go and are busy.
PASSIVE (being)– The passive partner enjoys being around the other regardless of whether they interact. They can sit together doing individual activities or a joint one that does not require interaction (i.e., watching T.V.). They feel connected as long as they are physically close to one another. I’ve even heard this type of partner feeling connected by just carrying the thought of the other with them.
EXPRESSIVE (talking) – These types of partners need to explore and share feelings and thoughts. They need to analyze and process their interactions, relationship, vision, needs, wishes, etc. These partners are very emotionally expressive and usually very verbal. Issues, concerns or ideas need to get discussed.
What I often see happening with couples is that the partners have different connecting needs and styles and are not really aware of it or have not figured out how to work out this kink.
When partners remain entrenched in their different styles they have difficulties connecting, meeting each other’s needs, getting on the same page, achieving joint goals, and feeling satisfied in the relationship. These partners also have a hard time being more intimate both emotionally and physically as they constantly miss each other.
The task of the partners, to ensure this kink does not cause havoc in their relationship and future together, is to first become aware that they have different styles of connecting, and different needs, and then to try connecting in their partner’s style and meeting their partner’s needs.
As I’ve written before, one partner always needs to start first taking responsibility for changing the status quo (or situation at hand) and getting things moving in a better direction. If both partners continue to wait for the other to start making changes, they’ll be both waiting a long time.
Once, the ball starts rolling, it picks up momentum: the other partner follows suit. Believe me it is true. I’ve seen this happen more often than not. Granted, the other partner might need some guidance, but because they are being showed love and interest they are willing to learn and stretch themselves. Give it a try and watch your bond flourish!
Happy Flourishing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Think on your connecting styles and identify how these promote your missing each other. Come up with specific examples for when you appeared to be out of sync. Approach your partner with this understanding and have a discussion about how to take turns using each of your styles, incorporating a new one, or in some other way compromising, so that you do get to connect and have your needs met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The longer we are with our partner and the more time goes on, there is a tendency for complacency, laziness, neglect, taking-for-grantedness, and boredom in the relationship.
These are common to relationships after the honeymoon period, the infatuation stage of relationships, is over. They are actually a part of the power struggle stage of relationships, where couples can’t seem to see eye-to-eye and get stuck in repeating unresolved conflicts due to their reciprocal triggering of old wounds.
When couples have a hard time resolving issues and don’t have their needs met, they get more and more disconnected perpetuating this cycle further. This can become detrimental if not addressed.
One easy way to tackle this is to treat your partner as if you were still dating. This does not imply to have a fluffy relationship without the commitment and level of intimacy that is present in a more mature relationship. I’m only referring to getting back and maintaining the specialness of being together.
I’m talking about bringing back politeness and respect, planning, caring, mothering and chivalry, romance, caressing, seduction, teasing, playfulness, interest, intrigue, adventure, mysteriousness, surprises, and whatever else your heart desires.
Maintaining these wonderful and tickling qualities in a long-term relationship while it is still in the power struggle phase is very difficult. Couples in this stage are usually combative, self-centered, empty, exhausted, and a lot of times hopeless and resigned. This is all normal stuff but it doesn’t have to stay this way!
Making the effort to have the pleasures of the dating qualities back into the relationship is worth it as it can actually make going through this phase a lot easier.
Having these connecting qualities back help couples stay out of the red assisting them do the work that the power struggle stage requires (seeing the reciprocity of behavior and wounding, and stopping the cycle by giving each other different outcomes than the usual, meeting each others needs). Not running on empty allows couples assess to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual resources and inner strength needed to address their situation.
Give this a try. Do a mind shift and imagine your partner as a possible suitor. What would you do to impress, intrigue, and allure them? How would you treat them differently? How would you behave differently? What areas of yourself would you work on improving?
I know this is difficult stuff as the relationship has picked up a life of its own by now, and add the daily responsibilities and family life to the mix, and you have a complex and tenuous context. But I’m not asking you to go back to dating and throw your current life away or make believe is not there. I’m just asking you to do a minor mind shift and approach yourself and your partner in a kinder more special way. That’s all.
Happy Dating!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick two aspects of yourself that you want to change to make you a more interesting, fun, and enticing suitor: (i.e., getting fit, changing your look, being more positive, getting a hobby or other outside interest, uplifting your attitude, addressing personal unresolved issues, closing exits and being more available, etc.)
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It never ceases to amaze me what couples can accomplish and how they are able to turn their relationship around when they set their mind to it! I have literally seen miracles happen… I have seen couples come back from real horrible places. It is a formidable phenomenon to witness.
I have, unfortunately, also seen partners give up on their relationship without fully investing in creating changes. They get too hang up on what their partner is doing or not doing and how they are being or not being. This is a train wreck in the making… Very unfortunate indeed
If you find that you are struggling in your relationship, a little or a lot, I beg you to stop looking at your partner for answers or changes. This is only ingraining and maintaining your status quo. You can’t do anything about what your partner is doing or how they are… You were actually attracted to how your partner is…
Granted, how they show up nowadays might be different, but this is only a protection on their part… Their True Self, the person you fell in love with, is still there! I want you to remember this and engage your partner as if you can see their True Self… Ignore their nonsense and engage their True Self, Core Self, Authentic Self, Pure Self, Soul… When you engage Soul to Soul, miracles happen…
Your approach needs to be: to Be as you want to Be. Be the partner you want to be. Treat your Partner as if you are in love… Treat your Partner as if they are your dream come true… Treat your Partner as if they are the best thing in your life… Treat your Partner as if they deserve to be treated with the utmost love and care… Does this feel like too much? Exactly… Treat your Partner as an equal human being…
(Ouch!) We don’t generally invest in having an Awesome Relationship… Isn’t this crazy? We invest with all our might in other things, but not in our relationship and then we wonder how come it suffers. Then we wonder how come we are not treated well. Then we wonder how come it fails. We get what we put in!
I’ve been pushing my clients in this regard with CRAZY AMAZING results! I know it can be done.I know you can do it too. The trick is to focus on ourselves, not on what we don’t get and how we are wronged, but on what WE put in and what WE contribute.
When we focus on our stretches, how we communicate, on soothing ourselves when triggered, mindfully and respectfully going about getting our needs met, understanding our partner and having compassion for their experience, sprinkling our interactions with loving and caring gestures, setting things up for cooperation, etc. the tending pays off.
Sometimes this approach is challenging to embrace. I know this too… This is difficult because we are insecure, our Ego gets the best of us, we are holding on to resentments (the past), we might be projecting (putting things on our partner that’s not theirs…) or owning our partner (we know best how they should be and what they should do…), or we are not being accountable for our own Self – we are not being honorable and virtuous…
These get in the way. This is sucky. We do not want to go through life and our relationship like this. This is a sure way to being unhappy…
Instead, we want to invest with all our might, to really go for it. Now, I’m not talking about smothering or stalking your partner, being disingenuous, etc. I’m talking about really contributing the way your partner and relationship call for… As I’ve written before, partners share that “they’ve tried it all” and that “they do everything for the relationship” – but is what they have tried what is needed the way it is needed?
Usually it is not… Herein is the secret: tailored and targeted investing – not till you drop dead and at your expense investing, but just the right investment that meets both your needs… I’ve seen it done. I know you can do it as well!
So, figure out what is the right investment and go for it. It has to touch the right places, at the right times, in the right way while meeting both your needs. This might seem tricky but it is TOTALLY doable. Just put on your open minded lens and you’ll see… Invest the best, get the best…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Investing!
~Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Stop thinking about how your Partner stinks – stop thinking about how they could look better, do better, be better… Stop owning them! Start thinking about how You can invest better!! Focus on what You contribute and what You can do better… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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