As I’ve written before, one of the reasons some couples’ relationships deteriorate over time is because the partners get lured by life away from their partner…
Partners work hard at their jobs and become involved in their careers, children absorb much of their attention and a multitude of life maintenance tasks drain their energy. Compound this with “poor relationship skill” and the fact that most relationships get stuck in the “power struggle” stage of relationships, and we have a formula for disaster!
I hear quite frequently how couples “don’t have time” to spend together, be with each other, enjoy each other’s company, have time to have chats, catch up and process, and plainly do fun things together. This is a very common experience. I think that a lot of us in general feel we “don’t have enough time”.
Therefore, I’ve become a student of “time”. I have been significantly more aware and attuned to time, how I use it, structure it, experience it, and of course even misuse it. In this quest I”ve also done some reading on the topic. A book I found very interesting is called: “Unwinding the Clock: Ten Thoughts on Our Relationship to Time”.
I would like to share with you a concept I became alerted to, that of divided and undivided time. Remember when we you were a kid and summers appeared endless? The reason for that was that time was undivided. The summer was a long string of connected days.
Now as adults, we chunk up time into small units into which we fit frenzy activity. We have lost the idea of unstructured, unscheduled, unobstructed time where being, creating, and connecting with nature, others and life were the primary goals.
I would like to bring this back into our lives. Granted we can not generally have a string of days of unscheduled and unstructured time, we even slice up and over schedule time when we are on vacation!, as we would not fit in the structure of our society, but we can bring it into our lives as much as possible.
What I’m suggesting is “chunking” time into as large amounts of time as possible. This alters your experience of time. Assign projects and theme tasks to larger chunks of time as opposed to constantly or frequently moving from activity to activity and experiencing time fly by. When you can get lost in a larger frame and settle into yourself, you’ll feel less rushed, more available and in touch, creative, energetic, and alive!
I have experienced this myself and try to recreate it on a daily basis as much as possible. Note, that the nature of my work, seeing clients on a 45 minute schedule, is counter indicative to this goal. Moving from client to client all day long makes time go by extremely fast.
So, I apply this “chunking” concept to my other work days so I have larger portions of time – in essence more time! In that created time I can be more creative and productive and not experience “lose of time”.
Imagine instead that I had clients all over the map, and left the in-between time to get things done. I would never have enough time to get anything of any worth accomplished aside from insignificant tasks and putting out fires. You see there is not enough time in in-between time for us to get settled, be and tap into ourselves to imagine, create, and produce. This is how we waste our lives.
A related concept I want to visit is that of undisturbed time. Keeping interruptions and distractions to a minimum or nonexistent in our moments, makes our moments feel longer. Did you ever notice that waiting on line at the market or doctor’s office feels interminable unless you are on your cell phone or reading and therefore distracted from your moment?
Having time is a frame of mind. We all have 24 hours in the day. We all have lots we do, and even more we want to do. Yet, some people get a lot more done than others, feel more satisfied and don’t walk around feeling frazzled, rushed, stressed and like life is passing them by. The secret lies in not being distracted from your moments. You will have all the time in the world when you live your time.
I’m inviting you to create bigger chunks of time and undisturbed moments in your routine, lifestyle, and interactions. This will bring a more present, aware, open, energetic, and alive you to your projects and moments. Imagine what an enhanced and available you can come in contact with your partner and in a much more conducive context: The universe is the limit!!
Gain your time back and your partner. Stop passing each other by like ships in the night!
Happy Timing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner to pull his calendar out and together create chunks of couple time to be left undisturbed and open to be utilized as you fancy at the moment. No work, tasks or serious discussions allowed! Start early thinking of ways to “be” with your partner in preparation for when the moment arrives.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Couples frequently come to my practice expressing that they have lost something or that something is missing in their relationship. They complain there is no passion. They share that they are good friends, but want something more in their relationship. A lot of these couples have a sexless relationship (having sexual intimacy less than one time per week) and want to express and feel their love in all realms including the physical.
Passion has to do in part with the energy of the partners and the relationship. If one or both partners are tapped out, and if the relationship is depleted, not for nothing the partners find it difficult to feel passion and maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. Energy is required to have sex!
It behooves these partners to mind their own energy level and quality and nourish the relationship’s. The relationship’s energy is made up of what the partners put into the relationship, in the space between them: time, effort, care, nurturing, kindness, respect, etc.
Each partner’s own energy is very personal and they each need to determine what enhances and depletes it. It is up to each partner to protect, tend, create and manage their own energy. Energy can be generated and enhanced through tailored efforts to meet our specific needs in the areas of sleep and rest, nutrition, hydration, exercise, routine and life style, emotional and spiritual care, support system, and stimulation and fun.
Even small amounts of stress, toxicity, negativity, and drama and indulgence on substances such as drugs, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, and tobacco can have a detrimental effect on the quality and level of our energy and need to be eliminated from our lives.
Couples complaining that something is lost or missing, and about the lack of passion and intimacy, is an indication of depleted personal and relationship energy. The stuff in between us gets lost or damaged as time passes if not safeguarded. The courting, being on our best behavior, having our game face on, putting our best foot forward, and the intensity to be with one another diminish overtime.
As the relationship and our lives become more complex, we become overextended and care less for ourselves becoming exhausted if we are not careful. Energies becoming depleted create an empty situation and a passionless relationship (and life!).
When both partners are consistently and appropriately taking care of themselves and putting in quality stuff into their relationship, energy abounds and sparks fly! Partners can reignite or find their passion!
Happy energizing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Generate more personal energy! Work on one item from each list at a time.
Increase the quantity and/or quality of: Sleep and rest Nutrition, Hydration Exercise, Routine and life style ,Emotional and spiritual care, Support system, Stimulation and fun
Eradicate from your life: Stress, Toxicity, negativity, and drama, Indulgence on substances such as drugs, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, and tobacco
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Why do couples struggle enjoying downtime and having fun together? As we know, opposites attract. This phenomenon is also found in couples which means that usually partners have opposite personalities, needs, wishes and preferences – including what they consider relaxing, enjoyable and fun.
This does not mean that your leisure time, your Summers or vacations are doomed. This does mean a need to intentionally plan your time together so you create a win-win experiences.
Being intentional in your relationship, no matter the topic or situation, is a key component of a successful relationship. When partners mindfully create efficient routines, conscientious budgets, accepting exchanges, fun interactions, loving moments, etc. they are investing in creating an awesome relationship.
The different areas work because intention and thoughtfulness was used. When partners haphazardly go about their life and relationship, they have a “haphazard” experience…
Here is your plan for intentionally enjoying downtime, having fun and creating memorable experiences:
Dream: Have a brainstorming session with your partner about leisure time, vacationing, outings, activities, experiences and the like that each of you would like to have. Make it a “Wish List” thus becoming about each of your own wishes and not about your partnership… This removes the pressure or threat you might each experience at having to endure your partner’s pleasures… Have fun with it, go nuts.
Have a range of wishes from the most practical and simple to the most extravagant and outrageous. Make sure to include specific details, behaviors, and desired feelings for each. Have a date conducive to the exercise to go along with the session. Be thorough, take it seriously, make it light, add humor, think outside the box, and be as creative and open as you can.
Plan: Have a planning session, date, with your partner about having fun together. This might sound counter intuitive, but spontaneity doesn’t always work specially if you have a hard time getting on the same page in general… Decide what you are planning: daily leisure or downtime, weekly dates, monthly outings, quarterly staycations, vacations, holidays or other celebrations, etc.
Then, go back to each of your lists and highlight items related to your choice.
Decide from whose list you will choose an item (take turns going forward…). If you can’t agree, put your names in a hat and do a draw… If you chose to use Partner B’s list, Partner A picks a highlighted item from the list… This provides the buy-in… Now for the icing on the cake, Partner A also gets to add a “little touch” to the choice to make it more their own – without trumping or nullifying the original item! Whoala!
Enjoy: The key to enjoying time together is to let go… Partners get hang up on whether their needs are being met that they forget about being with their partner… They put on the “ego/critical” lens and have high expectations that are bound to sabotage the moment. Not for nothing fun time is not fun… Letting go of expectations, control, me-focus, and the like ensures your enjoyment in the end.
And, the key trick is to go at this to please your partner – with gusto, no resentment or grudges please… Make a real investment here. If you chose an item from your partner’s list – make this about them… If your partner chose an item from your list, go out of your way to have your partner enjoy your item… This approach automatically changes the energy flow giving you a better version of your partner in return! Win-Win!
This is a preventative and intentional tool that teaches envisioning, strategizing, and investing skills essential for creating your awesome relationship. Don’t skimp – the more you put in, the more you get out… Embrace this tool and integrate it into your Took Kit.
This is applicable to all kinds of time spent together, and you can even extrapolate and apply it to other contexts. This is a dynamic must use tool! Go ahead give it a try for the next fun together time you are trying to plan. Create a memorable time!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Creating!
~Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Decide on a Memorable Experience you want to pursue from your “Wish-Lists”, and go for it: Calendar it, schedule it or book it, flesh it out, and prepare for it – don’t leave any details unaddressed… Have a thorough plan and attitude check in place… Have Fun! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is just the way it is for some couples. After a while they can’t feel their partner. They don’t feel loved and actually believe their partner doesn’t care about them. They feel like just roommates, two ships passing in the night. Others don’t even see each other at night! They spend so little quality time together that they forget to show up to their relationship!
This is a huge phenomenon in relationships. I see this day in and out in my practice. Couples complain that they are stagnant, bored, deprived, running on empty, alone, lonely, and just plain disconnected. People get so busy in their routines and their lot in life that they forget to actually live their life and be in relationship!
I have seen couples do funny things with their schedules, routines, and responsibilities so that they have very little wiggle way to find mutual time. These couples run from one activity, event, engagement, responsibility to the next and collapse at the end of their day leaving no time or energy to being fully engaged with their partner. And, then they wonder how come they can’t feel their partner!
We need to be available to ourselves and our partner in order for our relationship to be alive. When we have so many thoughts, concerns, and demands, we build a wall of preoccupation, stress, and inconsequentials around us that shelter us from intimacy. This wall keeps our true self in hiding. It gets harder and harder for our authenticity and our splendor to shine through when such a thick opaque glass surrounds us!
I envision these couples in thick opaque glass cocoons, sitting next to each other, talking and waving, but they can’t hear or really see one another. Never mind touch one another! It is a scary site. We can’t connect with someone we can’t touch… I implore you to shed your protection and let your true self, your authenticity, brilliance, power, enigma, playfulness, sensuality and love shine through!
When you are not guarded and protected, when you are not shut down (my clients love this phrase) and you are available to your partner, your relationship can start to feel alive.
Show-up to your relationship and feel your connection!!
Happy Showing-Up!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make a weekly date with your partner to just be with each other not doing (getting errands done, shopping, meeting others, discussing tasks or responsibilities, etc.). Discuss how you would like to be:
sharing a light meal and intimate thoughts
sipping tea and holding hands on a park bench
watching a sunset while snuggled up on a board walk
sitting in your living room with no TV, some candles and soft music on, and reminiscing about tender moments and good times
doing intimacy building exercises from the the couples companion (refer to the resource section)
etc.
This is difficult to do when you are feeling disconnected. Just get into the habit and you’ll start reaping the benefits real soon!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Most couples can revitalize their relationship after they’ve lost desire for each other and/or after being in their non-sexual relationship (10 sexual encounters a year (less than one per month) for a while, even for decades! This is good news! These dissatisfied couples loose hope of ever having an interesting, stimulating and satisfying relationship with their partner that includes a healthy sexual component. This does not have to be the case!!
Dissatisfied couples fall into patterns of relating that hold them back from their true intimate potential. They have a very limited repertoire of interactions within their tedious and boring daily routines and in their interactional style. They don’t utilize the spectrum of behavior and experiences available to them that automatically engender the feelings and relationship they crave.
Partners say they love each other, even though sometimes it might even be difficult to concede that, but crave the feeling of being-in-love with their partner, of having passion. Anthropologist, Helen Fisher, speaks of Romantic Love, comprised of passion, as a by-product of novelty.
She claims that mystery, newness, physical activity, and joint endeavors increase the chemical levels in the brain that make us feel elated, in-love, passionate, energetic, high.
Couples don’t take advantage of the natural and built-in benefits of the novelty factor. Couples that have been together for a long time and that know each other well believe that novelty has gone out the window, but novelty can be brought into any relationship at ANY time with some external assistance: Doing new fun and physical activities, creating new routines, going on trips and vacation, doing joint projects or ventures, etc.
These couples’ situation is compounded when they bring into the relationship distorted views and definitions of intimacy and sexuality. Their expectations of fairy tale romance or porn/movie-like sexual encounters set them up for disappointments.
These contribute to couples’ misconceptions, expectations and negative images of self and other that impede establishing and maintaining real levels of intimacy including mutually satisfying sexual interactions.
This can be addressed with a reality check, honesty, openness, and acceptance, and by adapting an anti-avoidance approach to intimacy, which includes: Positive anticipation, pleasure oriented sex and regular consistent sexual interactions.
Sometimes, with even the best of intentions, sex is worlds away. Sex follows a specific formula: Desire, Arousal, Orgasm and Satisfaction. This process is truncated when there is a lack of desire because of relational and circumstantial issues. Couples can manage this by reformulating their approach to physical intimacy: They can go for arousal first which in turn invites desire promoting the continuation of the encounter. Just get moving!
There are 5 Gears of Physical Intimacy according to Couple Sex Therapy Expert, Dr. Barry McCarthy, author of Rekindling Desire. The gears include:
Affectionate Touch
Sensual/Non-Genital Touch
Playfulness/Genital or Non-Genital
Erotic Stimulation (High Arousal)
Intercourse
Couples that are having difficulties or who are not fully satisfied in their relationship usually have only two out of these gears. They go from affection to intercourse. And, if they don’t make it to intercourse, they also give up on the affection… Not for nothing these partners feel disconnected, unloved and dissatisfied!
Integrating additional physical intimacy gears to the couple’s repertoire of interactions assist in creating the anti-avoidance mind set, promotes arousal/desire, and are a source of novelty. This is a must have tool!!
Couples can break the avoidance/dissatisfaction cycle, become more intimate, meet their needs and create a satisfying relationship. Add some novelty, touch more and have more sex and watch the Passion soar!!! Revitalize your relationship today!!!
Happy Revitalizing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Their expectations of fairy tale romance or porn/movie-like sexual encounters set them up for disappointments. These contribute to couples’ misconceptions, expectations and negative images of self and other that impede establishing and maintaining real levels of intimacy including mutually satisfying sexual interactions.
Non-judgingly discuss with your partner how this might be true in your relationship and create a more realistic joint perspective.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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