In most relationships usually one partner wants more closeness and togetherness than the other. The partner that wants the togetherness and closeness derives their safety, meaning, and joy from being in relationship and in connection.
They are the ones that do the “relationship work”, make the plans and keep the social calendar, they make sure everything in the home runs smoothly and that everyone has what they need, and are the ones that need to be in “touch”. When this is disrupted in anyway they don’t feel safe, comfortable, grounded, happy, important or valued. In their worst moments, they have the experience of being pushed off, or falling off, a cliff.
These partners tend to be controlling to prevent having this experience and come across as “nuts”, bossy, demanding, critical, mean, uncaring, selfish, reactive, needy and the like. What an irony when their underlying feelings are so raw and vulnerable, when they are feeling so powerless and unloved. Because of their approach to getting love, feeling connection and being together they actually create the opposite.
They push their partner away. They shut down their partner. They are usually a force to be contented with, which their partner is not equipped to do… For you see, they tend to attract a partner who is sensitive to feeling smothered, criticized and not feeling good enough… Therefore with the approach at hand they end up shooting themselves on the foot.
To make matters worse, these partners have a difficult time receiving love, attention, care, appreciation, nurturing, and other niceties… So, even if their partner is able to Stretch to stay in the intensity and stay connected, they are usually not received well… This creates a catch 22 for them, leaving the partners in pain.
The partner seeking the connection has a difficult time trusting the connection being offered because they know it won’t last and the anticipation of the impending “separation” is too much to bear. Also in connection they are “seen” and “see” themselves kicking-up (triggering) all sorts of goodies (shame) exacerbating this dilemma. Connection involves showing up…
This is the challenge. They need to show up for their partner and in their interaction, when they don’t even have their Self… The partner seeking attention and connection is so used to doing for others and caretaking that they are not fully in touch with their Self.
Their sense of Self is not fully developed or strong, making it difficult to bring it out to play… The thing they desire most, connection and attention, is then very scary and threatening. They end up doing funny business when they do get what they desire, giving their partner mixed messages and rejecting the very thing they are after. What a conundrum!
At the end of the day the partner that complains that their partner is not available is not really available either… Ha! This angle on the dynamics is very challenging for the “connecter” to see. They are all about connecting, feeling their partner and being together that at first glance this doesn’t seem to fit…
They’ll make all sorts of claims about how much they wait for the other, how much they reach out, how they do all the nurturing, how the make all the plans, how they do all the asking and taking care of things, and on and on. And, they are right.
They do all that, but that doesn’t make them available… When their partner responds they are met with criticism, nagging, demands, Doing, and such. They are not really Showing-up. They are not Present. They are not Available.
The trick here is to Be, to be available, to be able to feel the other. When we are present we can connect. A lot to times our “disconnector” partner is looking for us and they can’t find us, they can’t “see” Us… Our shell, our body, our noise, our Defenses are there – but We are not… We are busy Doing because we can’t sit with the uncomfortableness of not doing.
We don’t know how, we feel lonely, alone and unworthy – noise and stuff is better to our untrained psyche, our Ego. But in stillness and quiet we can Be, we can feel and know our Self. We get to connect with our Self… We can feel the bond with our Authentic Self, our Higher Self…
When we feel our Self, connect with our Self, we are not alone. Not only do we have our Self, but we are also connected to our Higher Power… We are NEVER alone… When we connect to our Self, our Authentic Self, our Awesomeness is available. And, it is not only available to us, for our Purpose, but to our Partner. They can now feel us. They can now connect with us. They can now be safe around us…
It is time to stop complaining that your partner is not available… Turn to your Self instead and really see if You are available. Do this when you are open and receptive, and in a Self Growth Place™. Doing it at any other time is counterintuitive and defeats the purpose for you won’t See… When you do get in touch with this, you will have moved to a new phase in your Journey.
Investing in your life and relationship becomes Fun… You’d have transcended the stuckness, and now you’d have a blank canvas in front of you to create Connection to your Heart’s content…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to review the last two weeks and notice when you were not available to your partner. Go deeper than just not being around or being busy… Even when you believe you were available, assess if you really were… How are you not fully available? How are you not Showing-up?
How are you not Being your Authentic Self? How are you rejecting connection from your partner (who is supposedly the unavailable one…)? Take a deep breath and give your Self compassion… Think of 3 things you can do differently to become available… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Right about now is when the end of year crunch and stress of holiday planning starts to creep in. People fall into all kinds of categories in terms of how they do the holidays. But whether they actively plan and try to dot all their “i”s and cross all their “t”s or by just wing it nonchalantly, everyone is affected… The holidays have this funny way of getting under one’s skin, hitting raw nerves, and poking at our soul. There is something primal about holidays…
The holidays seem to expose who we are as humans, how we are connected to our kind, how our family operates, how we relate with our partner, who we are as individuals… Not for nothing people struggle during the holidays. Our core gets shaken…
We compound all this with the overwhelming amounts of to-dos we impose on ourselves that push us further away from connecting, loving and Being. We create a nauseating cycle of shame… This is the struggle that people face…
The holidays become challenging when we lose sight of what is important. Some drown with the to-dos and expense of putting on the show. The focus becomes on the material and indulging. This only serves the ego and physical plane actually depleting our Spirit, our Soul. At a time of being Thankful and Giving, of nourishing ourselves and our kindred spirits we actually shoot ourselves on the foot and deplete ourselves further…
The challenge then becomes, how do we have a different holiday experience? How do we stay in Spirit? How do we stay connected to our Tribe? How do we honor our Selves and serve our Kin? The holidays have a way of becoming all about the food and gifts and other misplaced focus.
How do we refocus? How do we reinvest? How do we show up and reduce the doing? How do we Serve? And, a lot of time we might be busy serving others that we forget our priorities, how do we serve our Partner?
What do you think would happen in your relationship if your focus became to Serve your Partner? Think about this. How often have you sat and thought about how you can honor your partner, how you can stretch to meet your partner, how you can do more for your partner, how you can make their life easier and better?
Are these questions freaking you out? That in and of itself is indicative of where your energy needs to be… The more of a reaction you had, the more your attention is to be focused here… This is definitely true if you have been struggling or going through a rough spot.
Make a commitment now to shift your focus. Make a commitment now to prioritize your partner and to serve them, to really honor them. What would this look like for you? What kinds of things would you be adding to your repertoire? What kinds of things would you stop doing? How can you stretch to be of service to your partner?
See your partner as the kindred Soul they are… What is their purpose? What are they about? What are they trying to do? What are they meant to do? How do you usually get in the way of that? How can you now pave the way…?
And, after you answered those questions, think about what else. What else can you do to show your partner you cherish them? If you struggle having cherishing feelings, go as if you do… How do you show your partner adoration, that you treasure them?
What else can you do to show them they are your number one? What else can you do to pamper, nurture, shower them with the right attention and love? Remember this is about them, you have to do this their way not how you would want it…
Have this holiday season make a real impact on your relationship. Mindfully observe how you usually would go about setting up the merriment, and intentionally make changes so your approach honors your partner. Allow the holiday Spirit to be present in your interactions and shift your focus to Serving your Partner. Have a magical Holiday Season!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Serving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Relationship Challenge™
Have a brainstorming session of ways to Serve your Partner, and how to shower them with awesomeness and act of kindness. Make a list of 50 items… Join our Relationship Challenge™ by committing to shower your partner until the end of the year with items from your list. You are invited to use the comment section of this blog to share the honoring and serving ways you are implementing… Have fun!! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Whoever said that Halloween is just for kids and trick-or-treating? Yes, adults have fun too with the decorating, costumes, and parties. But I’d like to also suggest taking this a step further by using Halloween as a relationship-building tool. Why not? Why waste a perfectly set up situation with built in opportunities for awesomeness?
Depending on the current status of your relationship and your relationship’s needs, there are different ways to take advantage of this holiday. I’ve come to recognize three levels of “involvement” in couples: Closeness, Intimacy and Passion, what I’ve termed the CIP Principal™. These levels are not necessarily mutually exclusive, progressive in nature, contingent on each other, or otherwise reliably related in anyway…
I have found that couples move between these, have them all, have none or have different combinations of them at different times… There is no normal or preferred way, there are pros and cons to everything, and relating is never perfect. It is what it is, and it is for a reason… We can’t force what isn’t nor give up on our desires… Our job is to determine where we are and what we need right now, and to go from there…
Determine which level you are in this week and what Stretch you are willing to make to move into the level of your current desire. Please note, that if you are struggling in your relationship that you might not even register in CIP. Don’t let this disturb you. This is where you are, and that’s OK. Choose the level in which you’d feel comfortably out of your comfort zone…, and go for that. If you are still not sure of where to start, go with Closeness.
I’ve tailored suggestions on how to use the holiday for relationship building and enriching according to “involvement” levels:
Closeness –Planning to partake in the holiday to varying degrees. Being aware of the holiday and discussing with your partner how to celebrate. This might include decorating the outdoors, setting up for and receiving trick-or-treaters, going trick-or-treating, going to a Halloween party or other related event.
Intimacy –Planning to enjoy the holiday to varying degrees. Inviting your partner to join in the fun. This might include dressing up, dressing up that plays off each other’s costumes, playing pranks, hosting a Halloween party, hosting pre event gatherings or after parties…
Passion – Planning to savor the holiday to varying degrees. Seducing your partner into more private fun… This might include more provocative and insinuating dressing up, attending more adult – “flirtatious and enticing” events or venues, hosting a masquerade party, hosting a seductive spooky dinner party, hosting your own “live-out your fantasy” private party…
These are guidelines to spark more specific ideas fitting your situation, relationship and desires. They can be extrapolated for use in other holidays and celebrations as well. Remember you can do whatever you want. Your imagination is the limit. Don’t let fear, ego, insecurities, and the like hold you back from having fun in your Life and Relationship, enjoying your Self, and Being with your Partner…
The more you invest in the interactions at each Level the more you’ll enjoy your involvement, and the more awesomeness you create. Go for it. Take a risk. Push the envelope. Get out of your comfort zone. And enjoy unnerving, provoking, exhilarating, and elating fun!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Enjoying!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify what level of “involvement” you desire to Stretch into in your relationship this week: Closeness – Partaking Intimacy – Enjoying Passion – Savoring Approach your partner about Halloween Plans and Relationship Fun related to your desired level. Invite them to codesign a befitting activity or outing for some spooky and thrilling relationship fun! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Partners expecting too much or too little from each other is a sign of a dynamic in disarray. When partners have expectations that are beyond what their partner is capable or willing to do, it is usually because they think they know best.
They think they know what their partner should be about. They know what their partner should do, how they should feel, how they should respond, how they should think, and everything in between. They are usually projecting their own wishes, needs, likes and such onto their partner. They expect their partner to be the way they themselves would be.
On the other hand, other partners have expectations that are too low actually insulting their partner’s intelligence.
They enable their partner to underfunction, neglect and take advantage of them. They allow their partner to get away with collaborating, participating and contributing as little as possible. They make their partner invisible. They do it all, not allowing space for the partner to show up and partake.
These two styles are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and are certainly not one-sided.
Usually both partners are doing some combination of these. Interactions and relating then flow from these extreme types of expectations and worldviews creating stuck dynamics.
What happens in the extremes is the partners owning each other and creating a codependent relationship.
These partners feel stuck in their relationship and their life. Imagine each partner pulling the end of a rope with equal strength. Neither gains an inch, neither can move – stalemate…
When we own each other we give up our self-agency and take our partner’s rendering both of us powerless.
Neither can exact any movement, the interactions are either volatile or flat, and definitely not going anywhere…
To start chipping away at this death sentence, start by owning your Self: Clearly, appropriately and moderately express your thoughts, feelings, wishes and needs.
Share from and about yourself and not about how much your partner stinks. This should start doing the trick! Happy Owning!! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about an issue that is bothering you. Discuss it from your perspective, describe the behavior that is bothering you, and state how it makes you feel, how you are affected by it, and how you are impacted. Place your concern in contex:
Why is the above so for you? How does this perpetuate your story? Ask your partner for their help in doing something different to change the pattern and create a new story. Jointly brainstorm for behavior changes that would address the frustration and choose to implement what would fit your needs.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Having fun in our relationship is paramount to its survival. Relationships are challenging. We have to integrate two completely different lives, usually with different gender, brains and biology, upbringing, histories, ethnicity, religion, worldviews, expectations, and many others, to create a joint life.
There is so much room for disagreements, confusion, and impasses contributing to the already stuck dynamics and power struggle created by unconscious mechanisms… Fun is an easy way to build in reserves necessary to persevere through the challenges. The problem is that couples “forget” along the way to have fun…
Additionally, partners have different definitions of fun, what fun is, how to go about having fun, finding similar interest and mutually enjoyed ventures. And, to top this off, partners get into domestic routines and roles that prevent them from spontaneity, exploring, wooing and surprising each other, and from Being their Authentic individual Selves. All this is a formula for disaster…
Here are several ways to add, keep, or bring back Fun into your relationship:Basics – There has to be an underlying thread of lightheartedness, sharing inside jokes, playfulness, teasing, flirting and such built into your daily interactions.
Celebrations – Anything and everything is worth acknowledging and celebrating with special focus on birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments and holidays. Expand your repertoire of what and how you celebrate. Create inspiring traditions and rituals.
Vacations and Time Off – Use this time to learn the world and cultures, have stimulating experiences, pamper your Selves, and enjoy each other outside the restrictions of daily routines and responsibilities.
Dating – Build in a Dating mechanism. Put a system in place to be tweaked as necessary but otherwise automated so you can’t “forget” to keep dating each other… Hold on to your feminine and masculine energies during this time. This is what keeps the chemistry and attraction alive… Get creative and invest in having great experiences. Be with each other. Share your internal worlds when on your dates. This builds intimacy and bonding.
Adventure – Expand your range of experiences. Stimulate your senses. Get your adrenaline pumping. Do something unusual. Feel Alive together. Create memories and stories.
Journey Building – Invest in self-growth and improvement, relationship enrichment, and other learning. Take on meaningful ventures, projects, or undertakings that impact your quality of life and create opportunities for commonality, relatedness and togetherness. Capitalize on your complementary strengths. Focus on what works and appreciate each other’s contributions. Enjoy your process.
Community and Philanthropy – Socialize with other couples. Do community projects. Be of service to the less fortunate. Take on or participate in a cause. Bring your Purposes to life; implement your Missions. Inspire each other. Support each other. Be your partner’s sounding board. Have fun brainstorming and implement.
When you systematize and automate having fun, to ensure you don’t “forget” to have fun in your relationship, you are implementing a fail-safe plan. This is your Relationship Insurance Policy. You are investing in its sustenance. This fuels the relationship through its ups-and-downs, times of transitions and when life deals you a rough hand.
If you have been struggling having fun together, make sure you immediately address this from a different angle to get a different result. You have to have Fun. You need to have this built-in to feed your goodwill and awesomeness reserve for times of famine! Get moving and have some fun!!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Feeding!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to think about the level of Fun in your relationship. Review the Fun Categories below and assess how much fun you have in each…
Daily Interactions Celebrations Vacations and Time Off Dating Adventure Journey Building Community and Philanthropy What category is calling you for more attention?
Discuss with your Partner how you can spice up this area. Create a plan for integrating this into your life where you are automatically pulled into the Fun (i.e., block time off and vacations, set reminders to send your partner a joke everyday, make one weekend day a Date Day, pick one day per month to do something outside-the-box, etc).
Add this to your Tool Kit…
~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end!
Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!
Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship™ Family!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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