It is not unusual for couples to flounder on showing their love for each other. They do their best with attention giving, gifts, nurturing acts, and other loving gestures, but they just don’t feel they have reached their partner. Their love is not visible to the other.
The other might even say things like: you don’t love me, you don’t find me attractive anymore, you don’t want me, or you hate my guts. Every person must ask their partner (in so many words), “how do you want to be loved?”
How does this happen? Here we are loving a person and doing our best to show them we love, cherish and want to be with them to fail miserably at conveying that message. This is even worse when compounded by difficulties and lack or relationship skills partners bring to the table.
But, it doesn’t have to be this difficult to show our love. It doesn’t have to be this difficult to let our partner in our love for them. I have recently come across a book to address just this issue (thanks Ellen for the recommendation!). It is called the Five Love Languages (refer to the resources section).
This book teaches us that there are five ways in which partners like to receive love: time spent together, receiving material gifts, receiving compliments and verbal acknowledgement, physical affection, and acts of service (taking care of business, i.e., walking the dog, food shopping, servicing the car, etc.).
How Do You Want to be Loved?
There are specific ways we like to receive love, but what we usually tend to do is give love the way we like to receive love. The way we like to receive love might be very different from the way our partner likes to receive love. This is a sure way of not reaching our partner! Let’s say for example that Partner A likes to receive love in the form of elaborate gifts, and that Partner B likes to receive love in the form of praise.
Now, imagine this couple giving each other what they like to receive themselves: Partner A will get a bunch of words that could be experienced as lip service and no follow through; Partner B will get an expensive gift that could be experienced as shallow and detached.
Therefore it is important to determine how our partner likes to receive love and for us to gift them the way they like to be gifted. We might just be handing them a world of love!
Happy Loving!!
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Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Honor your Self. What does that mean? In my book, it means getting in touch with our Core, True, Authentic Self, our Soul, and operating from it in all we do.
This means being in connection with our Self, knowing our Self. Most of the time we are in a fog and cacophony of daily minutiae, mired in our ego approach to our relating and our life. We are shut down and completely disconnected from our Self.
Who are you? What is the point of you? Why are you here? What is the purpose of your life? I know these are huge questions, and one has to be ready to tackle them… If this feels too esoteric or out there right now, let it be and instead ponder its more basic form:
How do you want to live your life? How do you want your daily routine to look like? How do you want your surroundings to look like? Who do you want in your life? How do you want your relationships to look like? How do you want to spend your time? How do you want to be of service or give back to the world?
Honoring our Self means owning our Self. We usually have a hard time responsibly, responsively, mindfully and lovingly sharing our position on things and preferences. We instead manipulate, control, coerce, reject, dismiss or underhandedly try to get our way and make others do our bidding.
Operating from our Authentic Self means being open, honest, forthcoming, transparent, accountable, honorable, trustworthy, loyal, Clean. It means sharing our Self, being vulnerable and available.
Honoring our Self means setting up our life for Success. Most people run a haphazard life without intention. They come and go without a plan. They live day-by-day barely managing daily responsibilities and running themselves into the ground without enjoying or actually living their life.
They live putting out fires, having others own their time and resources, and never fully using their Gifts or creating much with their Life. Here our job is to set up proper boundaries, routines, systems, support, beautiful spaces, ways to meet our needs, a guiding vision, and to stay focused on our goals.
Honoring our Self means embracing our Humanity. We overly identify with our mind, ego, achievements, physicality, and possessions. We get stuck in our human experience as opposed to embracing our Humanity… We get stuck by our human limitations and do our life as if we are in a fish tank… We see, think, and operate small. We allow our human body to dictate our abilities, focus, and possibilities.
When in truth we can transcend this by operating from our Soul. Our body and mind are tools to help us carry out our Soul’s Will… We embrace Humanity through understanding, compassion, love, and giving; and by living an intentional and meaningful life.
Honoring our Self means being grateful, abundant, and a beacon of Light. We question why things happen to us. We struggle. We repeat patterns. The pain in your life is a spotlight on a code that you need to crack. This is your lesson. This is your opportunity to learn and grow for in so doing your Gift, that is to be shared with others, manifests.
Be grateful for the opportunities in your life, see the Good in them, as this is where your life’s purpose originates. Figure out what is the lesson you are to be learning, and learn it. Then share this with others. Be a beacon of Light.
Our relationship is fertile ground for Life Lessons… Our partner is our Life Partner. Together we learn, crack codes, grow, decipher and manifest our Gifts. Open your eyes. Place things in perspective. How are you to grow. What are you to learn. Get to it already. Before you know it you’ve created an Awesome Relationship – a MetroRelationship™, an Authentic Relationship, and an Authentic Life…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Honoring!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick a way in that you need to start Honoring your Self more.
Explore what this means to you and how it impacts the current status of your relationship and your life.
Identify two actions you would like to implement to start Honoring your Self, and implement them.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Money. Money is a hot topic in many relationships as there are intense emotions attached to money as well as a range of meaning around it.Partners have different ideas about the importance of money, what it means to them, its purpose, its role, how to manage it, and even how to earn it!
Couples are made up of two individuals that have different backgrounds, exposure, experience and relationship with money. Their parents had different relationships with money and gave them different messages around money.
Partners form different patterns and habits in their management of money. They have unique money blueprints. And, it is said that money = power. This usually plays out that whoever makes or brings the most money into the relationship wields the scepter… It is not unimaginable that conflicts are likely to abound.
All this creates complex dynamics in the relationship where money issues can play a significant role in interactions and have a negative impact on the couple and the relationship. Understanding where each partner stands in regards to money without judgment is very important.
Exploring each other’s money blueprints and how they came about is a wonderful first step in getting on the same page with your partner. This level of knowing and getting each other forms a bond that gives strength and resourcefulness for the couple to start addressing their money issues and situation differently.
As you start the exploration you might first encounter feelings of worry, anxiety, panic, and anger.Keep dialoguing and exploring until you tap into the vulnerable feelings. Listen for hidden or spoken feelings of fear, desperation, insecurity, loneliness, rejection, hopelessness, doom, betrayal, and other feelings that are familiar to each of you. Become aware of your and your partner’s vulnerable emotions attached to money and money matters.
This process moves you from a place of reactivity to a place of awareness. This moves you from being jumpy and edgy to feeling calmer. With a new found awareness you can tap into your resources and start figuring out how to meet your needs – address the vulnerable feelings – which can be met relationally…
When you have a handle on your emotions, stop triggering each other and get on the same page you are better equipped to manage the practical side of your affairs. Get resourceful and start securing your future!
Happy Securing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Set time aside to review your money blueprints and mindfully cocreate a Relationship Financial Blueprint that meets both your needs. Start putting your blueprint to work: Choose one immediate action you can take to start securing your financial future, and do it!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The season of renewal is finally here and with it comes an invitation to awaken to life. Note the blue skies, the sun shining, birds chirping, flowers blooming. What an enchanting time to be alive. The possibilities are countless.
As we are coming out of hibernation, it is time to look around and take stock. How much did we neglect ourselves and our relationship over the winter months? Did the month of love make an impact in your relationship, or did you let the opportunity to feel alive and connected with your partner pass you by? No worries, now is the time to wake up and smell the roses. Now is the perfect time to get in touch with your relationship energy and passion.
In my work with couples I usually encounter couples who feel at their wits end. These couples only experience their partner in a negative way through their misperceptions, assumptions, miscommunications, and poor relationship skills. Their relationship is fraught with anger, frustration and resentment. They can’t feel their love or their union. They feel alone and enraged. This is what I call misguided passion.
The partners are not properly tapping into their relationship energy and passion! They feel it but misuse it. These partners get entangled with selfishness, egocentricity, self-absorption, self-pity, and their sense of entitlement. This coupled with their lack of self-knowledge and relationship skill is a formula for disaster.
Positively experiencing your relationship energy and passion requires some tending, pruning and watering. Relationship nurturing is key to the success of the relationship. Dissatisfied and enraged couples are in a constant state of deprivation. Their anger is signaling them that they don’t feel heard, understood, and gotten and that their needs are not being met.
Start paying attention to when your partner appears agitated. When do you feel put-off? If you can objectively track this down, you will find that at the core you both want respect, understanding, attention, and love. Your relationship energy and passion is churning in an attempt to meet these needs. Tend to these needs, and you will experience your relationship energy and passion as you have never experienced it before! Enlivened!!
Happy Tending!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about needs. First, create a safe environment and openness to the topic. Don’t bring this up in the middle of a fight or when you are both exhausted. Then, taking turns, speak from your core self about how you like to receive attention and love, and what little gestures touch your heart. Share with each other needs you have and give tips on how these can be met.
Any requests or tips you give need to follow this formula: S M A R T – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time Limited (borrowed from Harville Hendrix’s Imago relationship work).
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You have to be happy with yourself first… You cannot be happy in your relationship if you are not first happy with your Self… If you are not your Authentic Self, your Soul Self, you are just a robot completing daily tasks and missing the whole point of life… This is not Living…
What is the purpose of your Life? Why are you alive, today, right now?
I believe we all have a Purpose and we have unhappy and dissatisfying lives when we are not living our purpose, when we are not living from our Authentic Self, when we are not in alignment with our Soul. We are “embodied energy” living a human experience. Liken it to being on a mission and donning a costume, or uniform. You are the Hero of your Story. What is your Story? What is your Mission? What is the point of You?
We waste so much time and effort going about life with blinders on and focusing on unimportant things. We miss the point completely! We create mediocre lives at best, lives without purpose. We get stuck in our little perspective, drag our partner into it, and battle there. Wow, are we ignorant and blind. This is painful to witness. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
It is our job to WAKE UP to our Life, to open our eyes, to take off the shades. When we start getting in touch with who we REALLY are, how magnificent we are, how important we are, how needed we are and humbly accept our “assignment”, mission, Purpose, then everything changes…
We transcend daily nonsense (Ego) for the beauty (Blessings) in it all, for it is all beautiful… There is a reason for everything… Our job is to translate our experiences into lessons and use them for the greater good… There is something in each of us that is a Gift waiting to be shared.
Take a moment to thread your experiences and find the common denominator. What is the theme in your life? What situations, circumstances, lessons keep creeping up? What is getting louder and louder in your life? What is the message that you are not getting? What is the code you have to crack?
Stop blaming your partner for the quality of your life… Stop waiting for your partner to create the life you want… Own your Self. Be your Authentic Self. Show up in your relationship. Be Understanding and Accepting in your relationship. Be Compassion in your relationship. Be Abundance in your relationship. Be Love in your relationship. No “Buts”…! Stop it and own your Self!
Stop waiting for your partner to do something different. See your partner’s Core. Don’t get hang up on their appearance, on their behavior, and especially not on their defense mechanisms (protective behaviors). Look beyond all this and see the purity of your partner. Witness your partner’s Soul… They have a code to crack as well after all, but that’s on them… Don’t get hand up on the minutiae of your interactions. Be with your partner!
When your Souls team up… now that’s where the Awesomeness is. That’s where your untapped Synergy is. That’s where the Purpose is… Your partner is your Partner! Don’t take them for granted. They are not your enemy, they are your ally. It’s time you recognize this and treat them like Royalty. Humbly embrace your Kingdom and uplift the world. Be the Hero in your Story. The Universe is the limit!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship. Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Uplifting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
How do you know if you are on the right track? What’s the best way to go about your Life?
Listen to your Feelings… Not your Ego! Your Feelings… Make your feelings your compass. They are the language of the Soul. That’s your Authentic Self’s built in guiding mechanism… Follow your Heart… At every juncture ask, “What would make me feel Good?”
Honor your Self. Pursue Happiness. Add simple pleasures. Give and Receive TLC freely… Make this part of your daily approach to life and your relationship.
Make Meditation a part of your daily life as well. This is your direct line to your Self, your Soul…
When you start aligning with your Authentic Self, Soul, things begin to make sense…, your life becomes more beautiful… It’s actually this simple…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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