A lot of people have difficulties having trust in their relationship, and in general… Mistrust in our relationship is not just about wondering, or obsessing about, if our partner is cheating. But not trusting our partner usually has the flavor of not trusting we can count on them. That they have our back. That they’ll pick up where we leave off. Whether or not they’ll follow through on what they say. If they’ll use their best judgement. And so on. It is imperative that we create safety, security and trust in our relationship for it to be successful…
A quick note about wondering if your partner is cheating. Listen to your gut, it knows… Listening to your gut is a very subtle sense of knowing. It’s not blaring. Anything blaring is fear, and fear has to do with us, and not what our partner is doing or not doing. Keep your jealousy in check. This is also about you, and your insecurities. There are exceptions of course, you have to keep your context in mind.
If there is a history of indiscretions, you are probably on hyperalert and picking up stuff, and something most likely is going on. Don’t shoot the messenger. Deeper healing needs to happen to change this pattern. But this is for another time. If this resonates for you, sending you love (you might want to get support with this).
Going back to regular mistrust, to mistrust on the everyday and the mundane. Note, I qualify this again because when it comes down to it most of us can usually trust that our partner will be there when it matters and for the important stuff. Though there are exceptions here as well of course.
Sometimes our partner can’t be there for us with the big and important stuff either if it goes against themselves in some way or triggers them in some way. This depends on your relationship dynamics and the emotional development of the partner/s.
One more qualifier… During times of tragedy, partner’s get thrown into a tizzy and go into survival mode for themselves, possibly not being able to be there for each other.
Nobody ever said relationships are easy! These are the meatier ways in that mistrust and betrayal happen. They are blows to the relationship and require more specific attention.
But for today’s topic, I’m focusing on mistrust as a pervasive feeling in your relationship (and outside of your relationship…). Mistrust in the everyday and the mundane. Why this focus? Because this is where the healing and transformation happens…
How you do your relationship and your life on a daily basis and in the little things, has a profound impact on what kind of relationship and life you create at the end of the day…
Safety, Security and Trust
We don’t automatically create safety, security and trust in our relationship. This has to be an intentional tactic in our approach to our relationship and our partner. And, we have to be intentional about how we do our everyday life to provide this to ourselves as well. This intentionality helps us heal any unfinished business and reprogram old belief systems still lingering that are informing how we perceive interactions and the people in our life…
Safety, security and trust have to do with Fathering… How we were Fathered growing up had an impact in our ability to feel safe and secure and be able to trust.
Did we have consistent caretaking and routines? Were boundaries respected? Was discipline authoritative (not authoritarian/controlling or lax/lacking)? Were we honored for who we are?
Or did we experience rigidity and/or chaos? Inconsistent attention, routines and rules? Ridicule and dismissal? Or even maybe verbal and other violence?
Do you start to see that how things played out growing up informed our ability to feel safe and secure, and therefore our ability to trust?
And, what if we haven’t done any healing or personal development, we are still walking around with the same perception of others and the world. That the world and people are dangerous or untrustworthy… We walk around with the belief that we can’t count on others or trust them, that others are out to get us, that bad things will happen, and such.
Hey, I’m not saying people and the world are perfect and that these things don’t ever happen all the same.
I’m referring to situations when we just see the worst possible scenario, when we make negative assumptions and when we assign malicious motives that are totally unfounded. When we can’t give the benefit of the doubt. Or worse, when good things are coming our way, but we can’t receive them for the same reasons!
If all this is resonating for you, you need some Fathering. No, you don’t need your Daddy or a Sugar Daddy. LOL And, Fathering is not just from fathers and men. Women do Fathering, just as men do Mothering… This has nothing to do with gender. This has to do with energy and characteristics that all humans have though might need to embrace more… You need more Fathering from yourself and in your relationship…
So, what does this look like? This looks like cleaning up our mindset and minding our negativity bias, setting effective boundaries, fully owning and being accountable for ourselves, having safe verbal and body language, improving communication skills and upleveling communication tools, implementing Intentional Habits™ and embracing a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.
Thus, we show up properly and safely. We are accountable, consistent, and reliable. And therefore, we are trustworthy… We are trustworthy for ourselves and for our partner…
Kudos when you tackle this, for you’d be Fathering, re-parenting and re-programming, yourself… Intentionally showing up and setting up your life and your relationship allows you to create your radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life.
ASSIGNMENT: We’ve been living in a male dominated world, yet we haven’t cracked how to properly utilize our male characteristics, strengths and energy…
1) Take stock of how you show up in the world and what characteristics and strengths you use the most.
MALE – Analytical, strategic, systematic, planner, organizer, scheduler, logical, manager, strength, power, and such
FEMALE – Compassionate, caring, nurturing, flexible, flowy, spontaneous, creative, intuitive, emotional, soft, and such
2) How well are these working for you? Does it seem that you can improve in both areas? The key is own ourselves fully, integrate both aspects more, and be more intentional. Add intentionality to how you approach your day and your relationship using the inherent male characteristics and their related tools.
Create the container, the structure, with your male energy, e.i., your daily routine… This will create the safety, stability, and security we all so desperately seek…
3) BONUS – add Female characteristics within the structure for the integration and balance factor
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS – Related Posts:
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Caring is not just for mothers
Need fathering in your life?
How to reprogram yourself
Are you a strong partnership?
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The key is embracing a relationship enrichment lifestyle (video)
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The power of having Intentional Habits™
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com