I have found that most relationship issues can be boiled down to taking personal responsibility and setting effective boundaries…
This includes showing-up to our interactions appropriately by being intentional, mindful and compassionate. It doesn’t do anybody any good to show-up by ramming ourselves down others’ throats… That’s not actually showing-up… This is disrespectful and a boundary injury…
What is showing-up?
Showing-up means we share our internal experiences, our dreams, our feelings, our preferences, our skills, our gifts for the good of all involved. Not just for our benefit… We don’t do this at the expense of others… We do this to create mutuality, to learn each other, to connect, to serve each other, to create a stronger partnership. In partnership we are more than the parts…
But it takes skill and a certain finesse to do this well.
A lot of times partners don’t feel heard, understood, seen, valued, appreciated and therefore are on a rampage to be seen – however they do that. This can look like actively pursuing the other for these things, or like withdrawing for self-preservation, out of resentment, and for power struggling.
The partners usually polarize in their approach where one becomes aggressive or overzealous and the other becomes passive-aggressive or paralyzed / stupefied / inactive…
It is the overzealous person that usually seems to struggle the most in the relationship.
They are the ones that are doing the feeling for both partners… They are the expressive ones, the ones not satisfied, complaining, criticizing, and overtly reacting. They don’t realize that their approach makes their partner withdraw even further and become more stupefied. This leaves them more alone and abandoned maintaining this painful cycle.
The challenge here is to self-soothe and self-regulate, implement a self-care practice, and learn containing skills. Containing skills means knowing when and how to approach the partner to increase the chances of being heard and getting needs met. Throwing-up on the partner, beating them up, and demanding for needs to be met usually don’t go over well…
It is the inactive person that usually seems unfazed and uncaring in the relationship.
This is simply not true. They are fazed and affected in different ways, and at times they are not even aware of it… Their reactivity is passive-aggressive. Because their needs are different and they express themselves differently it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings or don’t care.
They do have a tendency to come across as narcissistic, making it a challenging to see behind this. They even believe their own indifference sometimes… The challenge here is to get past all these defenses (that are often in the form of a lot of logic…), to own vulnerability, and to take a risk being available…
Being available means not only making the physical time to spend together, but being able to take the partner in (to be attuned), to get them and to have compassion for them.
It is our responsibility to show-up appropriately to our interactions, being mindful of how we impact our partner, and to represent ourselves in a way that honors us and gets our needs met. If we are not getting a desired response, we have to identify what we are doing that’s inviting what we don’t want. How are we co-creating the interaction with our partner that is not serving us?
Pay attention to your particular flavor of how you do this, and start stretching and tweaking how you show-up to be more mindful of your impact. Upgrade what you contribute so you can both have a better experience! > Boundary setting and getting needs met:
Let’s say your partner is always late. The best way to address this is not when they are late and you are annoyed, but to address this for going forward. So, knowing that your partner might be late coming home, meeting you, being ready to go somewhere, or in some other way decide which is the most frustrating and tackle it first.
Address these individually, separately and specifically. Have conversations with your partner to put in place parameters around each late situationtype to prevent relationship moments from going south.
Include: clearly established and agreed upon time to “get together”, courtesy agreed upon checking-in time to confirm still on the same page.
How much notice to provide heads up of any changes, how to stay in touch if things change to regroup and come up with alternative solutions that work best for the person waiting, how much waiting time is reasonable, what happens after the waiting time lapsed, and how is the infraction amended (whether things were in the other person’s control or not.
They still need to make amends if they are late – ranging from apologizing to making whole new plans to their partner’s preference). The parameters can be tweaked as needed beforehand for special circumstances. Keep in mind each of your tendencies to be overzealous or inactive in your relationship and the underlying needs for each when setting up the parameters.
The overzealous person has a tendency to feel abandoned, taken for granted, unimportant, not valued and not seen/heard. The inactive person tends to feel criticized, controlled, stifled, smothered, unappreciated and incompetent/not good enough. Keep these in mind when setting up the parameters so neither partner gets triggered by how the set up might play out.
No plan or set up is perfect. The key is to be as preventative as possible and remain intentional, mindful and compassionate when situations are not working out as expected. Always show-up with your best Self!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life… Happy Tweaking! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Revisit the last exchange with your partner that went south, and identify how you did your usual… Recognize your flavor of distancing and pursuing in that particular scenario. Break it down, deconstruct it to its smallest denominator catching even the smallest of infractions on your part.
Find the questions, responses, exclamations, body language, etc. that gave your partner the usual impression of your pursuing or distancing. Then, reconstruct the exchange by tweaking each infraction. Note, how the exchange could have changed course at anyone of these junctures giving you a different outcome…
Bring this insight into the next exchange that can potentially go south, or as it is starting to go south. Always be as intentional, mindful and compassionate as possible. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
How do we create a masterpiece life? How do create an awesome relationship? The answer is quite simple, we change (grow, heal, step it up a notch, etc)… How do we change? We change by taking action on new information (or old information if you sat on your a** with it thus far)… Insight, information, learning, reading do nothing for us unless we take some kind of related action, unless we implement something different.
I hear all the time, “I’ve tried it all”… No you have not! Stop deluding yourself and tricking yourself into complacency. To create your Authentic Life and Awesome relationship you have step out of your comfort zone and do what the next level requires. If you keep doing the same old, you’ll keep getting the same old. So stop it, and decide now that you are going for it. S** or get off the pot! What does this mean? How do we go for it?
Decide you are going for it
Make a commitment to not settle and stay the course (it’s easy to commit to not settling by leaving)
Learn everything you can about the next level and how to get there
Create a prescription, plan, structure, system, routine, practice, whatever out of the information
Put your implementation mechanism in place
Make sure it has a “drilling” characteristic built in (repetition is the key!!)
Trying something once is not trying something. Trying something a couple of times is not even trying. When you workout once, are you fit? When you workout a couple of times, are you fit? No. So, why when you try to connect with your partner and it goes awry you say, “I tried”? This is not good enough.
Trying a couple of times doesn’t cut it. We have to push through the disappointment, fear and hopelessness – the pain, as with exercising. We don’t stop at the sign of pain. We keep going, we push through. This is where the muscles get strong, where growth and change happens…
Your trying needs to be repeated. Do you type one word on your keyboard and decide you don’t know how to type? Do you shoot one hoop and decide your suck at basketball? Do you hit a couple of keys on the piano and decide you are not musically inclined?
No. You practice and repeat to get proficient and then amazing. You have to give it a chance for it to stick. You have to keep refining your approach. Tweak, tweak, tweak. Practice makes “perfect.” The drilling, tweaking, and practicing element of this is so huge and way underestimated.
This means you keep trying and refining your communication skills, your lovemaking, your dates planning, your repairing skills, your boundary setting, etc. The more you invest the better you get at it! Having an awesome relationship means creating an awesome relationship… It doesn’t happen by chance it requires laser focus, investing and intention.
And, we don’t keep the weight at the same weight amount, we keep increasing it for better results. The same goes for our relationship! Once the thrill of this level wears off, we are ready for the next level so we keep creating more awesomeness. If we allow ourselves to stay in the plateau and stagnate, we don’t keep the progress we made…
Part of being alive is to keep going for more. It’s part of our human condition. Don’t fight it. Honor it. Keep investing. You’ll create all you desire and more. You can’t even imagine the possibilities from the level you are at…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this article?
Happy Drilling!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What is a characteristic, quality or behavior that you want to see more in your relationship? Break it down into a small actionable step that can be repeated. For example, affection – kissing and hugging, trust and honesty – transparency and sharing, ownership – making requests for tangible behaviors that meet your needs, connection – spending quality time together.
Now, devise an implementation system that includes “drilling” – kissing every hour, getting home a certain time everyday, making a clear and mindful request daily that addresses a need, having date night every Saturday. Put this in place for a determined period of time (a week or month depending on the drill frequency) and implement no matter what. Stay tuned for the awesome impact! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m a therapist… I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a Certified Imago Therapist (additional training in doing couples work). Hence, I specialize in working with couples. I’m often asked what’s my niche, what’s my thing… I specialize in working with codependent couples (partners having poor boundaries and self ownership…).
And, I further specialize in working with couples where apathy is ramped in their relationship. Where one partner is not involved, withdrawn, removed, difficult to engage, self absorbed and such. And, where the other partner is driven insane by this (not literally of course!).
This is the pattern that is so prevalent in couples. This is the pursuer-distancer dance.
Partners in this dance have a difficult time staying connected without loosing themselves… Therefore they strive for connection, but as soon as it gets too comfy they feel threatened. To deal with their unconscious fear, they pull their shenanigans that end up creating space for psychological, existential, safety.
The problem with this pattern is that the shenanigans and the space created are damaging to the relationship, the bond, respect for each other, and the self-esteem of the partners. This might create psychological safety, but this doesn’t meet our inherent need for connection and love. This is the gun we use to shoot ourselves on the foot. This is a disaster for relationships!
This is so damaging that when too pervasive it’s difficult to comeback from.
And, unfortunately, this is when couples come in for Couples Therapy… So, I want to do you a favor, and give you specifics about this pattern so you can catch it early and do something about it early before it’s too disruptive in your relationship. These are the characteristics I have identified in the Codependent Couple™ that create this debilitating dance:
The “I Don’t Give a *S—T” Partner – Underfunctioner in relationship, Minimizer (simplifies interactions/situations), Distancer (withdraws from interactions/situations), Rigid boundaries, Lets other take control / ownership / responsibility, Passive-aggressive …
Narrow range of emotions (shutdown), Narcissistic personality characteristics, Independent, “Me” oriented, Little access to memories, Needless / “clueless”, Dismissive, Left brain dominant (linear thinker, appears controlled / posed, reticent), usually Male
The “Oh, Poor Me” Partner – Overfunctioner in relationship, Maximizer (exaggerates interactions/situations), Pursuer (“hounds” in interactions/situations), Loose boundaries, Controlling of other / takes over / overly responsible, Manipulative …
The characteristics fall on a range. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
Now, nothing is black and white and so clean cut in life. I’m sure there are characteristics in both groups that you can identify with. Please note, these do not define you! These are defense mechanisms, bad habits and lack of skills and tools… All of it can be changed!!
What I want you to do is to identify which group is more like you, most of the time, or in times of crisis, stress or transition. Once you identified your side. Your job is to become more moderate in the way you operate.
So, more specifically, your job is to pick one or two characteristics that get you the most in trouble, stuck, in your relationship and give it your all to moderate it. This is challenging as with any habit we try to change or any other self-growth or development endeavor we undertake. You’ll be out of your comfort zone for sure. But it is in this stretch that we heal, grow and evolve… And, how we create our awesome relationship to boot!
Remember to pick one or two to focus on. Don’t go overboard trying to change everything at once. You’ll only accomplish to trigger yourself and your partner (explanation beyond today’s writing), and to crash and burn! Instead, take baby steps in a massive way! To do this successfully:
Gratitude – Keep a Gratitude Practice™ where you stay in a state of appreciation through out the day (or as much as possible…). Your brain cannot physically be in a state of appreciation and fear at the same time…
Accountability – Share with others what you are trying to do and have them keep you accountable in a loving way.
Tracking – Keep a journal or other tracking of your feelings, experiences, impact, effects, results, etc.
Self-Care – Practice a lot of self-care to soothe your unconscious mind… You don’t want to undermine or sabotage your own efforts…
Reassurance – Your partner might become suspicious… Reassure them that you are investing in the relationship.
Support – Get support to help you see things differently so you can pursue operating differently, to learn the skills and tools you might need, to support your efforts, to cheerlead you, to help you tweak your investments for better results, and help you manage your Self…
Even if you are the only one changing the steps to the dance, the dance changes… As usual, focus on what you need to do to be the best you and the best partner, and you’ll soon be performing your best choreography yet! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Dancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner what they need from you this weekend. What would be a gesture, behavior, attitude, or such that would touch their heart? What is something they’ve been wanting from you that hasn’t happened yet, or could happen more? This is your chance to stretch…
For as soon as a partner is presented with such a question, you know you’ll be asked for something that is challenging for you to give… This is the beauty of our relationship. It’s a playground at the ready. Here we get to learn and practice new skills…
Go ahead, honor your commitment to yourself to heal, grow and evolve… Your partner is gifting you with the opportunity to stretch! Go about this respectfully, responsively, intentionally, and mindfully – no need to crash yourselves! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Romance is not just for Valentine’s Day! Romance adds spice, texture and color to life. Unfortunately, most of us don’t utilize this much in our life and relationship. We get too comfortable and busy… This is probably one of the hardest muscle to exercise unless you are in the dating world, and even then you might feel challenged.
I hear all the time from my single clients (yes, I do also work with single persons and individuals on attracting love and having an awesome relationship) how difficult it is to figure out what would tickle another person.
The thing is they go about this from an egocentric approach. They wonder how they’ll get their soul mate, and get their needs met… And, partners in relationship wonder the same thing, How can they turn their partner into their soul mate! Of course they don’t go consciously about it this way, but this is their end game. To say that this is the wrong approach is obviously an understatement.
Therefore, I will show you how to exercise your romance muscle to help you attract your “soul mate” if you are dating and help you tickle your partner if you are in a relationship. Ready?
So, the goal is not really to find your “soul mate” and obviously not to turn your partner into your soul mate.
The goal is to become soul mate material! Yes, take a second to digest that… This journey is not about finding or having the right person but about Being the right person, Being YOU… For when you are you, you will attract and create awesomeness…
How do you measure up in the Being Fabulous department? Yes, at your core you are fabulous, but are you owning your fabulousness? Or are you walking around with defense mechanisms and less than attractive qualities that actually repel others, including your partner? This is where it all starts, with you. When you show up with your fabulous Self all else is a walk in the park.
Here is to empowering you, to bringing out your swag, and to exercising your romantic muscle to dazzle your partner, or love interest, and sweep them off their feet:
Blessing Tokens™ – Choose a beautiful bowl (whatever is beautiful to you pending on your gender and style) to hold your tokens. Capture the Blessings in your life in writing on the tokens: index cards, cardboard, paper, stickies without the sticky part, construction paper, wood blocks, tiles, stones, etc.
You can make them as fancy as you like. And add them to your bowl to display. Create extra blank tokens to keep adding blessings. Everyday, pick and read a token to activate the gratefulness center of your brain… and to be reminded of the abundance in your life. Post pics of your finished product (#blessingtokens). I would love to see it, feel free to tag me.
Soulful Dates™ – On the first Sunday of the month, pick two hours per week where you get to have special “Me Time.” Block off the time and make arrangements to have this time honored.
During this time, read an inspiring book or listen to inspiring programs or other audio material, attend a prayer group, meditate, attend a religious service, do yoga, get a massage or other body treatment, tinker with your plants or in your garden, journal, do any other self growth and development, spiritual or self care activity that nurtures and replenishes you. Would love to hear about your Soulful Dates – tweet me at @emmakviglucci (#soulfuldate)!
Brilliance Infusion™– Every morning before you start your day, select an empowering descriptive characteristic that you’d like to embrace for the day. Create a positive affirmation with it to keep as a running mantra in your head throughout the day. Infuse your brain with your Brilliance.
For example, Alluring – “I am magnetic, passionate, and inviting. I attract and create amazing experiences with my partner.” Share your Infusion and inspire others! (#brillianceinfusion)
Swag Board™– You can have a ton of fun with this one. Create a Vision Board, or you can use a Pinterest Board (look me up)!, to assemble images that represent Swag to you. These can include outfits you like, shoes, accessories, hobbies and interests, hair cuts and styles, sunglasses, decorative items for your home, special outing or place to visit, art, fancy cars and other toys, people you admire, etc.
Anything that if you had it or emulated would make you feel cool. Experiment, get your juices flowing, and grab your Style! Sit with your Style as if you already have it. Feel your Swag. Bring that feeling to your day, everyday! (#swagboard)
Tickle Box™ – This is an incubator where you get to generate the connection, the fun, the romance, the experiences… Find a box that talks to you. It can be rustic, it can be frilly. You can grab a shoebox and decorate it. Cover it with newspaper or satin fabric. This is your box, give it your personality.
Or, you can make a virtual “box”! Use this box to collect sexy and romantic ideas and resources like trendy restaurants, perfect gifts, ultimate experiences, songs, delightful treats, great websites, activities, outings, whatever grabs your fancy. This is your fun, excitement, and romance generating box.
The more you put in, the more you’ll get out. This is your go to place to create awesome energy and for creating romance. Do share the treasures you find! (#ticklebox)
Use these tools to get in touch with your Self, to bring your Fabulous Self out to play, to create your brand of swag and blow your partner away with your brilliance and awesomeness. Have them coming back for more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this post? Please share your takeaways below! Happy Dazzling! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Plan a romantic gesture for this weekend for your partner regardless of Valentine’s Day: Bake a heart shaped cake Cook their favorite meal Wear that outfit they love… Put on something sexy and invite them to play… Get a special treat outside your traditional chocolate.
Get a ravishing bouquet of flowers outside your traditional roses Make a bouquet of flowers (check out Pinterest for ideas!) Send them on a scavenger hunt that ends up with you as the price… Write them a poem Give the a list of 10 Things You Love About Them Dedicate a song to them Name a star after them Plan a date in front of your fireplace … Get your creative juices going… Have a Romantic Weekend! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is not uncommon for partners to feel bored, stale, empty, disconnected and cranky. When this is not attended to it festers and creates more difficulties in the relationship. Partner’s start to wonder about the solidity of the relationship, their commitment to it and how much they want to actually be with their partner.
I want to give a warning here that temporary or superficial disconnects, boredom and funk can feel like true dissatisfaction with the relationship and the partner. The whole thing doesn’t have to be chucked until real and appropriate attempts at reconnecting have been tried. Most of these relationships could have made it only if enough appropriate attention had been given to it at the right time.
I hate to see couples try too little too late. If something doesn’t feel right do something about it right away! Relationships are very delicate and can’t afford to stay in a yucky place for very long the damage might be irreversible. Getting connected and staying connected with our partner is the first step in beating the funk. The second step is keeping things interesting, alluring and fun. And, don’t forget light. Some partners are just too serious and gloomy.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in identifying that things need a bit of spiffing up. Routine, demands and the power struggle have a way of corroding the liveliness and energy out of relationships. An open and honest (this doesn’t mean brutal or mean) discussion about how the partner’s are experiencing each other and what each other’s needs are in relation to one another is one way to get rolling on this venture to charging things up again.
This discussion in and of itself, although sometimes painful, can be a reconnecting experience. The discussion should include brainstorming about ways to get and stay connected and seduced. A little willingness, openness and risking can go a long way. From this new place anything is possible. I invite you to take a chance and have trust in your ability to create what you both crave feeling loved and satisfied in your relating.
Happy Seducing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Invite your partner to create a joint fun wish list and make the commitment to do one item off the list a week (or at any other agreed upon time interval). Have fun!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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