Couples usually end up accepting the lack of desire and passion in their relationship as a fact of life for a longterm relationship. They are not happy or satisfied with this, but their attempts at remedying their lack of (passionate) physical intimacy don’t usually succeed.
The reason for this is partners’ misconceived ideas about sex, intimacy, and each other, unrealistic expectations, body issues, attachment issues, unmet developmental emotional needs, judgement and criticism, and owning of each other instead of themselves. The resulting mindset has a huge impact on their libido and the couple’s sexual life.
In addition to addressing the above, couples can greatly increase their passion by actively monitoring and engaging their mind. “Sex is not something we do, is somewhere we go,” says MFT colleague Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity.
We usually focus on what we are doing. It’s not about technique, the motions, or the positions. It’s about Being deep inside our Selves in our body and our imagination. It’s an expression of our Self. How can we desire or be desired if we don’t exist …, show up?
It is our job to turn our Selves ON. The more confidence we feel, the better the sex. Turn the criticism and other owning buttons off. You don’t have to be perfect and neither does your partner. You don’t have to love everything about each other. You are both OK the way you are. You are both Hot!
Engage that part of you in your mind, and allow it to come out and play with your partner. Watch the video to assist you address the mindset holding you back and for practical steps for immediately creating greater passion:
5 Tips for Greater Passion
1) Lower Expectations
2) Invite, Entice …
3) Set-Up & Prepare
4) Work With Each Other
5) Expand Your Repertoire!
Every month can be a Month of Love. Start enjoying greater passion today. Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Surprise your Self and your partner with increased desire and passion!
Happy Desiring all Year Around!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Set an alarm to check-in 3x/day: 1) look around you, appreciate something beautiful and add more beauty to your environment, 2) check on how your body feels, what it needs and give this to your Self, and 3) pay attention to your thoughts, accept them, and add a vision of sensuality …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Often times couples get so hang up in the business of running their life, attending to their family and other responsibilities, and working that being together, enjoying each other and having fun falls to the way side.
This creates a terrible state of affairs where after a while couples forget how to have fun together … Too often I hear couples question whether they still have anything in common or if they ever did, wonder how to rebuild that into their relationship, and struggling with it once they do.
Our partnership, long-term relationship or marriage, cannot be all business. This is the quickest way to fall out of love, take each other for granted, not feel each other or feel disconnected, get on each other’s nerves, lose attraction, and other crippling states.
It behooves us to make investing in our relationship a priority. This can take on many forms – nurturing gestures, spending quality time together, outings and trips, sharing dreams, completing joint projects, learning and using new relationship skills, building the tolerance muscle of allowing each partner to Be themselves and bringing that to interactions and fun time …
Create space to allow fun in your relationship and a system for making it happen! Watch the video above to guide you in immediately incorporating fun in your relationship.
5 Tips for Extra Relationship Fun:
1) Embrace differences
2) Create own Wish Lists of 10+ “fun” ideas
3) Pick from each other’s lists and plan the activity you each choose
4) Stretch to gift your partner from their list …
5) Systematize for ongoing fun … !
It’s time to have fun! Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Enjoy your relationship like never before. Bring your uniqueness, interests, excitement and Self to your fun time. Be with your partner to have fun!
Happy Fun Times!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
How do you like to have fun? What are your interests? Are you pursuing them? How do you spend your down time? How do you recharge? How do you feel alive? How do you feel sexy? When are you super excited? What makes you laugh? What touches your heart? What are adventurous things on your must-dos-before-I-kick-the-bucket list? If you don’t have one, make one! Ponder these things, explore, pursue, share … Give your partner a preview …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Couples struggle the most when they have poor boundaries. When they tell each other, whether to the other’s face or in their own mind, how to be, how to feel, how to behave, what to think, etc. They are imposing themselves on their partner not allowing their partner to be themselves.
This causes the other to be cautious, unavailable, reactive, rageful, passive aggressive, flaky, and all kinds of ways that are not conducive to intimacy, togetherness, respect, peace and love.
How can they feel close, intimate, accepted, appreciated and loved if they are told not to be themselves? How can two people know each other and be intimate if they can’t show up in their relationship? The trick is to allow the other to Be themselves, to accept them as they are, as scary as that might be …
Contrary to popular belief, this is not what will hurt you in the relationship … What hurts is what partners do to protect themselves from being told not be themselves! Talk about ironic.
Take a risk, let your partner be themselves, and allow for intimacy to happen. The video below guides you in safely taking this plunge.
5 Tips for More Intimacy:
1) Create opportunities for connecting
2) Ensure emotional safety
3) Appropriately set up interactions
4) Share from the heart, share your “mind”
5) Purpose is to “get” and accept each other These guarantee a deeper connection and more intimacy! Start applying these steps now.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want! Make this Valentine Season a meaningful one. Create more connection and intimacy! Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to think about a side of you that you don’t usually share with your partner. Think about why you usually don’t share it. What are you afraid of? What feedback, message, have you gotten from your partner (and your past…) that has created this for you? What do you imagine their fear is that does not allowed for this part of you to show up?
Share your thought process around this with your partner – check if what you imagine is their fear fits for them, approach this from a curiosity place and not a judgmental, accusatory, shaming or blaming place, pad the discussion with reassurance and safety for your partner, advise your partner that you will be taking a risk and showing more of you.
Make the request that they support you and share with you what’s happening for them as you show up more… Accept what comes up for them, don’t try to fix it… The circularity, respect and honoring of this creates healing and growth, and allows for deepening the intimacy and enriching your connection.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships.
I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship.
There are three steps to this process:
1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)
2) Stopping the pattern (insight and stretch)
3) Repairing, Rebuilding, and Revitalizing (skill and action)
Recognizing the pattern is a massive first step. I know that you know when you are in it. I know you recognize the repetitiveness of it, and the stuck and hopeless feeling. So, recognizing the pattern as the first step might seem silly to you, but stick with me as there is actually a lot more here…
Couples feel stuck when they start arguing and can’t resolve their disagreement. They recognize the pattern here: how they feel, their approach, and the outcome. I want to challenge you to dissect, deconstruct, this further in order to identify opportunities for “doing” something different and therefore allowing, inviting, and creating a different outcome and the possibility for something amazing.
The pattern has typical elements. Here is a basic overview to get you started:
Resistance and ambivalence: The disagreement actually happened way before the fight … If you are fighting, consider yourself lucky as the disagreement is now overt and can be addressed …
The first sign that you are entering the twilight zone is when your partner is non-compliant, non-responsive, and you experience either of you doing aggressive, intrusive, controlling, flaky or flighty or wishy-washy, forgetful, manipulative, passive aggressive or other non-self-owing behavior. This is the sign that you are not on the same page.
Tension and intensity: Things start feeling weird. Physical symptoms might manifest (head, back, stomach or other ache, allergies, cough, losing one’s voice (literally), diarrhea, cramps, etc.). Negative emotions start to escalate (anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, rejection, overwhelm, etc.).
Circularity: You want to address what is going on and get to some resolution, but don’t know how. You start tip-toeing around, or possibly lashing out, in an attempt to synchronize, connect, get on the same page, get your needs met, or prevent a fight. You start saying the same old things, repeating yourself, you hear the same old from your partner – historical loaded words, phrases or requests show up.
You both become stubborn. Your logic becomes very rigid, narrow, black-n-white, loopy, but most importantly, your internal process becomes a broken record … If you pay attention, you’ll notice your “story” showing up, your script, your saga, your rules and expectations … This “mindset” makes up your overarching relationship pattern …
Defensiveness and reactivity: At this point you are in the middle of if. You know you are in the pattern and you go around and around. You become defensive and lose sight of your partner and the bigger picture. Responses become reactive and attacking. Inappropriate, acting out, behavior might be thrown into the mix. This can become the point of no return in this round …
You can prevent this. When you start observing and decoding what’s happening, you are already intervening in both your behalf’s and starting the “pattern interruption.” You are on the right track to resolving the impasse!
The next step is to go a little deeper and understand the trigger, the point of divergence. This is the root of the disagreement. This is where old hurts, projections, identification, internalizing, mind-reading, assigning of negative motives, assumptions, unexpressed expectations and needs, etc. come into play.
This is the fertile ground for growth and healing. This is where your stretch is needed to break out of your mold to do better for your Self, and activate parts of yourself that allow you to be there for your partner in the way they need it … Once you transcend your fight and bring this to the table, you’ll be having a very different conversation … You can now address the source of the disagreement and get resolution …
But even more magnificently, this is where you get to create the relationship you want. This is where the fun begins. This is where the “relationship work” is exciting, captivating, alluring, inviting, seductive, enthralling, seamless, effortless. This is the intentional relationship where you put in the good stuff and create pure awesomeness.
This is the possibility after you get out of your own way … You are ready to repair, rebuild and revitalize. You can learn how to do this and apply it. You look forward to learning and applying it. You start breaking your own rules and thinking outside the box. This is where the magic is unleashed. This is where your vibrant relationship is created. It is absolutely breathtaking to be in this place!
Get out of our own way, break your own rules and be blown away by what lies just up ahead … !
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Rule Breaking!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Invite your partner into a dissection discussion. Review a prior fight looking for places where you each could have responded differently and how to foster togetherness, team work and support, cohesiveness, understanding, compassion, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, closeness, and intimacy …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The Holidays are always a difficult time of year for people for many reasons. At the risk of adding to the plethora of writing on this topic, I still feel called to share with you how you can use this time as an opportunity for change and creating an amazing life and relationship. I invite you to look at the Holidays not as something to endure, get through and manage, but as a fertile ground of new possibilities.
I ask that you put aside your usual thinking about the planning and celebrating of the Holidays, and instead look at them as a mirror of your life and relationship … Take a deep breath and hang in here with me … Let’s get down and dirty.
The way you do the Holidays, and any other celebrations, is how you do your relationship … Take a moment to think about this. I’m asking to transcend and stretch your thinking … Give this a try and remove yourself from your earthly, material, and practical perspective and engage your essence and energy. Take deep breath …
Can you see the parallel? Can you see that your MO shows up everywhere? Can you see that what you put in is what you get back? Can you see that you are writing your own story? Can you see that you invite what you get? Can you see that how authentic you are (core you without defense mechanisms!) in your relationship translates to how intimate you can be in your relationship? Can you see that how much you show up in your life dictates the kind of life you have?? Take another deep breath …
The way you go about doing the Holidays is how you go about doing your relationship and your partner, and how you engage with them during the Holidays is how you usually engage with them … How has this been working for you?
The challenge I propose today is to do this differently. I want you to plan your Holidays using your Authentic Self, your Being … Bring your Energy to your planning, and give your Doing a break … Get out of your own way and allow the beauty of others to join you …
Get out of your own way and allow YOUR beauty to show up! If your Energy could speak … What would it say? What would it ask for? What would it set up? What would it give? Remember, your Energy is Love, Nurturing, Compassion, Abundance, Forgiveness, Generosity, Creativity, Flexibility, Patience, Tolerance, Acceptance, Community, Togetherness, Security, Strength, Power, Peace, Passion, Vibrancy, Light, Life …
Your Energy can speak … Your energy is You … Use your Self well. Just show up! In showing up, you have won the war. You have transcended Fear, you have beat the Ego, you rejoice with your partner’s Self, and you are in Communion, and All is well …
Go for it, decide how and where you’ll show up, gift others with your Presence, and stop the mediocracy today!
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Showing Up!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Think on an area of Holiday Merriment that usually creates stress for you. Let go of the practical aspect of this challenge and put it instead into relationship terms … How would you like the big picture to be different? Who would you have to be to belong in that picture? Go for it, embrace your Higher Self and show up as you wish you could … It is that simple …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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