MetroRelationship Logo

METROPOLITAN MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY, PLLC

Are You Giving Enough to Your Honey?

Are You Giving Enough to Your Honey?

by

Are you generous in your relationship? Do you freely give from your heart with no strings attached, tit-for-tat, score keeping, need for acknowledgement, manipulation, or any other funny business?

This may appear as an obvious rule to follow in our relationship but I actually find that it’s not, especially for couples that are struggling. I come across much crooked logic around how partners choose to interact and give. They create so much suffering.

Partners have different ways of withholding. Withholding comes from a fear of self extinction, not existing, annihilation, and the need for self preservation … The giver has to make sure they also get for in getting they know they exist …  Also, being stingy gives the false impression of security, keeping reserves, and being safe or protected. 

These create a power struggle, conflict, drama, and pain in the relationship. Partners experience this as being taken for granted, abandoned, neglected, and punished. In their stinginess they stifle the natural flow of abundance, aliveness, love, passion – thereby keeping themselves and the relationship in a state of deprivation, paralyzed, stuck …

However you are withholding is obviously not conducive for creating the relationship you want.  There are two paths you can follow to rectifying this.

1) Psychological: Address the underlying driving motivation for your choices, the fear of self extinction and need for self preservation, in more healthy and productive ways … (Beyond today’s topic)

2) Practical: Make a commitment to creating an awesome relationship, and start giving from the heart effortlessly by replacing your giving style with laser beam targeted loving guaranteed to touch your partner!

When you choose to put your funny business aside and genuinely and fully commit to making your relationship work, magic starts to happen. I’ve seen it, and I’m no Tinker Bell!

When you make this kind of commitment, you start operating from a heart-centered place – becoming open minded, flexible, patient, understanding, accepting, compassionate. You begin to understand and accept how your partner wants to be loved, and what touches them. You can begin to give from the heart and do informed giving.

Sometimes, even though we have the best of intentions, and come from a very loving place, our efforts still do not touch our partner’s heart, nor do we know what would. This might feel hopeless, but there is no need to despair. A little curiosity, investigating, and mindfulness goes a long way.

The tip is to identify your partner’s love language (refer to the list below, and you can refer to The 5 Love Languages) and to make sure you give to your partner in the way they prefer to receive love… You can give laser beam targeted loving! 

Below are the 5 ways for giving targeted loving to match your partner’s love language preference, and at the end is your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you get started:

Acts of Service – Do things for them, help with tasks, take care of things that need doing, offer to help with projects, surprise them by fixing, buying, planning, etc. without  their asking, take charge and lead gently

Time Together – Spend quality time together, plan dates, join in activities, tackle projects together, create new rituals, synchronize your routines, plan special couple moments

Physical Intimacy – Do a lot of touching, caressing, hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, other forms of affection, and enrich your sensual and sexual repertoire

Words of Acknowledgement – Shower your partner with compliments and praise, show appreciation for their contributions, give validation for their experience, give credit for their efforts

Material Gifts – Know what kinds of things your partner likes (when in doubt fish around or ASK!), tailor your gifts to their personality, style, profession, talents, interests, needs, celebration, milestones, etc.

It’s time to be more generous, start giving from the heart, give laser beam targeted loving for maximum impact! Let your partner feel your love!

Embrace your generosity today!

Happy Giving!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment

Invite your partner into a discussion about your Love Languages and how you each like to receive love. Identify and share with each other your own primary love language, and then explore how you each can give love to the other in their love language so they can feel your efforts.

 

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com. 

 

Are You Being Vulnerable in Your Relationship?

Are You Being Vulnerable in Your Relationship?

by

Time and again the prevalent theme in initial sessions with couples is reactivity, anger, fighting, hopelessness, criticism and lots of pointing fingers. The partners appear to be enemies. The pain is palpable in the room. A real sad state of affairs!

All this noise is just misguided attempts at being heard and understood, getting needs met, getting on the same page, connecting, feeling closeness, love and passion, and experiencing intimacy, joy and peacefulness. This is partners’ grown up version of baby crying to get basic needs met… 

They are trying real hard to create a Successful and Satisfying Relationship (sm), but what they don’t realize is that their approach is creating more rapture, space, disconnect, and pain.

Their approach is defensive and offensive. It creates a mask that hides their authentic and fabulous selves from each other. It only helps to promote more separateness, dislike and dissatisfaction. Who wants to, or can, get close to a fire breathing dragon or a recluse turtle? These partners are setting up a situation where it is impossible to create a Successful Relationship!

What they don’t realize is that the opposite approach is in order, though hard it might be to operate from such a place. This is where risk taking, trust and vulnerability come in. Embracing these characteristics shift the energy from antagonistic to collaborative allowing for compassion, understanding and togetherness. This is another basic concept of creating a Successful Relationship…

It’s time to take off the mask and show up to your relationship! Here are the simple 3 steps for safely implementing vulnerability when creating your successful relationship. Implement them in this order for maximum results! Also, refer to the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below for additional instructions on using this insight to immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.

Stop the Attack – First and foremost, if you do nothing else but stop the onslaught of assault whether it is a full on attack with flame throwers (pursuer) or the more quiet version of secret espionage (distancer), you’ll be ahead of the game. The insult to injury that partners impinge on each other sets them further and further away from where they want to be, what they are trying to achieve and from getting what they want in their relationship.

I’ve seen couples consistently repeat the same hurtful and destructive approach in trying to get a different result. This is maddening! If your partner gets triggered by distance and being left – DO NOT ASK FOR MORE SPACE! If your partner gets triggered by requests, demands and criticism – DO NOT ASK THEM TO DO MORE! Just stop your usual approach!! 

Use X-Ray Vision – Then, use what I call x-ray vision and see beyond your partner’s mask. Instead of focusing on how imperfect, unfitting, inconsiderate, unfair, hurtful, etc. your partner’s behavior or response is to you, redefine their approach as just a self protective mechanism.

When you do this from a compassionate and heart centered place and not from an ego, blaming, “logical” place, you’ll be able to start genuinely seeing the pain and vulnerability driving your partner. Stop assigning evil or ill intent motivation to your partner’s action, and see what’s beyond the mask. Their attitude is not about you – it’s about them!! 

Show Your Vulnerable Side – Finally, you need to show up to your relationship and interactions if you are to have a relationship period. Two egos, set of defensive mechanisms, interacting with one another do not a relationship make.

It’s actually fairly easy… want intimacy – share of your self, want closeness – be available, want TLC – be softer, want passion – be exciting, want respect – own your self, want compassion – share vulnerable / hurt feelings…, you get the gist! 

Stop sabotaging your relationship success. Take a moment to regroup and try a different approach… Save the mask for Halloween!

Happy Regrouping!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment

Using your x-ray vision will allow you to see the vulnerable side of your partner and provide you with hints on how to repair, meet needs, make nice, show love, connect, touch your partner, etc. Use your inner guidance and compassion to decode what you see and to device an approach that is intended to warm your partner’s heart the way they need it…

Bonus Tip: See your partner’s inner child crying out for help…

 

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com. 

 

Pin It on Pinterest