Trust is very delicate and fragile and needs to be earned and developed, it is not a given. And, once it is achieved it is only transient. For it to survive it needs to be safeguarded and nurtured. It is like achieving our ideal weight and level of fitness. To maintain them we need to continue to eat healthy and nutritious foods and keep up with out fitness program.
Even though we are not aware or cognizant of this when we are infants, for obvious reasons, we are actually born as fully trusting human beings. We start off with a clean slate. This trust slowly gets eroded as we are parented by imperfect parents. We quickly learn that our needs do not get met 100% of the time and that others are not there for us %100 of the time the way we need them to be.
This makes us cautious. This teaches us how to protect ourselves and not be vulnerable to others. This creates defense mechanisms that hide our authentic self and prevent us from being fully engaged with ourselves, our partner and in our life as a whole. This keeps us from being fully alive!
Our defense mechanisms show up in the form of being passive-aggressive, aggressive, angry, controlling, obsessive, pursuing, shut-down, and a multitude of other ways that prevent us from being in connection with our loved ones. The kicker is that partners usually have opposite defense mechanisms that tend to trigger, hurt, each other further.
For example, let’s say that Jane needs attention and security and to get it she controls and obsesses. She is married to John, who needs freedom and validation and to get it he withdraws and acts passive-aggressively. When Jane wants attention from John, she demands things, asks a lot of questions, becomes critical and bossy. This makes John want more space and so he withdraws further, making Jane come after him more.
And so, their pattern, cycle, dynamic goes. They keep this perpetual cycle until, if and when, they figure out what is behind their behavior and each works to give the other what they need. Until they become conscious and mindful in their relating.
This is challenging to do, because each partner is looking to get what they want and has difficulties giving what the other partner wants. Each is trying to meet their own needs and is stuck in that perspective. When neither budges, and they continue to hurt the other in their pursuit of getting their own needs met, they get stuck in a power struggle.
This is a very painful place. Partners hurt each other in their quest to be OK. They too are imperfect in their relating. Trust keeps getting eroded.
This situation gets to a critical point when in their unconsciousness partners use their defense mechanisms to an extreme inflicting additional trauma on their partner. Trust in relationship and in stuck dynamics is subject to many tests, but when exposed to extreme negative treatment (i.e., violence, abuse, cheating) it cannot withstand the impacts of the trauma.
It is imperative for partners to change the focus of their attention from what their partner is not doing for them or how their partner is hurting them, to what they are not doing for their partner and how they are hurting their partner. No matter how much pain they are in, partners need to see how they contribute to their stuck dynamic and change their contribution to it.
When the partners’ focus changes and they are both doing for each other from a more giving, nurturing, accepting and unconditional loving place, they are finally creating safety for each other, meeting each others’ needs, and developing and safeguarding their trust.
The partners are fully engaged; they bring their authentic selves to their relating, and are in connection. They are conscious and mindful. They are healing, growing, and contributing. They are becoming more fully alive!
Happy Trusting and Living!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
For the next two days, closely observe what you do that bothers your partner. At the end of your observation period, invite your partner to a Connecting Session. Make it fun and safe:
1. Share three things you noticed bothered them in the past two days 2. Take a guess as to why it bothered them 3. Have your partner correct any wrong interpretations 4. For every interpretation you got right, they get to request a cute and small gesture from you that tickles their fancy.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Does your partner support you, romance you, engage you, enliven you, energize you, seduce you? Is your partner there?
When couples are not on the same page, they tend to drift apart. They fight a lot, don’t feel each other, and don’t get their needs met. Partners appear invisible or have a negative presence.
This becomes a way of relating where partners are resentful, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, alone and hopeless. They perceive each other as noncaring, selfish, self-centered and absorbed, unapproachable and unlovable. They don’t operate as a partnership or as allies but as opponents or enemies. They have a tit-for-tat mentality or a very self-indulgent mentality where they are only focused on how to get their needs met.
When the focus is all on having our own needs met and we don’t validate our partner’s perspective and efforts, we become entrenched in an individualistic modus operandi which underminds couplehood.
It is a difficult choice to make to get out of our shoes and into our partner’s for a second and see how they might be perceiving the situation, how they feel and what they need. But when this is done and our partner feels heard and significant, they stop running and turn around and actually look at us. They are now open to seeing and feeling us and relating differently.
This is how we invite change from our partner. We show them they matter and that we care for them on their terms not ours. This opens the lines of communication and new relating. Here is the chance to get your needs met. This is where you get on the same page and establish a strong foundation for continued satisfying relating.
When you have your partner’s openminded-attention engage them by stating how you feel when they do uncaring behaviors and not how you see or perceive them and their actions. This is engaging and not attacking keeping your partner’s attention. Then tell them how you want them to change the behavior, giving them concrete behavior change choices and ask them to choose one.
This gets couples on the same page. Couples get to share where they are at and how the partner can help without alienating them. This allows couples to respond to each other without reacting. This gets couples to meet each other’s needs. This is how they break the impasse and the fighting cycle.
When partners are not attacking each other, are not angry and resentful, and they understand where their partner is coming from and are resolving conflicts and meeting each other’s needs, they enter a new level of relating.
This is where the juices of satisfying relating get going. Partners become interested and curious about each other, they miss each other, they want and pursue each other. This is where romancing and seducing come in. This is where affection and lovemaking come in. This is where laughter, humor and childish fun come in. This is the gravy of relationships.
So, stop killing yourself trying to get your needs met and instead meet your partner’s (how they want them met and not your way…) inviting them to receive you with open arms and an open heart!
Happy “Gravying”!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner about things they want, wish and dream of. Ask them what role you play in making those happen. What specific behaviors does that entail and what other needs do they have that you can fulfill? Unconditionally start meeting your partner’s needs the way they want them met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You have a loooong to-do list. You have others to attend to. You have projects on the burners. You are busy, you juggle, you push to the limit to get to it all. You might be sleep deprived. Sometimes you might forget to eat, even though you generally go for nutritious and clean food. Heck, you might even try to stick to an exercise routine.
At the end of the day everything else but you comes first… You are in the throes of demands and might feel like you are running out of steam, pulling your hair out, screaming at the top of your lungs, hiding under a rock, or all of the above. Wait, this sounds like the Holiday Season! Some live in this mode the rest of the year as well… But you don’t have to be in this place now or during the Holidays…
What is this place any way? Why do we create this frenetic pace? Why do we create this way of operating? Why does our life feel out of control? We live in this space to get things done and to take care of others because it we think it makes us feel good and in control… Wait, what?! That’s right.
The way we go about life is actually counterproductive. It’s actually creating the opposite from our desired outcome… This place is called lack of ownership… This place is called lack of boundaries… This place is called being codependent… Ouch!
I know this place intimately; I still operate this way sometimes. I recognize this place in other’s from a mile away… These peeps are in pain, and sometimes they don’t even know it! Instead what they know is that their relationship doesn’t work. That they are not compensated enough at work or that their business is suffering.
That their children are not doing well. That their health is deteriorating. Or, they just plain feel unhappy and dissatisfied… Do any of these resonate with you?
Please don’t be afraid of the word codependent. It used to be associated with the partner of a substance abuser. Now, it has a much larger meaning. It’s Interdependence gone array… Remember, we do not want to be codependent, dependent or independent… We want to strive for Interdependence – where we are healthily, mindfully and lovingly connected to others while being our Authentic Self.
When we mute, neglect, abandon and even abuse our Self to cope and in the name of another we are being codependent… So, don’t get stuck on the terminology. I’ve seen this also called being Enmeshed, Undifferentiated, Symbiotic, etc. Just hold on to the concept instead and let’s strive for being Interdependent and our Authentic Self. Deal?
So, what do we do? First things first, and that is to start owning our Self. This means staying within our immediate circle of influence and not in our partner’s circle. This means taking ownership of things that are ours… I routinely see partners drop the ball here.
Actually, they keep passing the ball to each other… They look like they are playing a game of hot potato… “You are it!”, they say and wait for the other to change… Not taking ownership of how we contribute to our situation and changing our contribution to it guarantees staying in the same ugly place… I promise!
How do we know what is ours? How do we know what we can change? How do we empower ourselves? Actually, this is quite simple believe it or not. I see immediate and profound changes as soon as partners start implementing this, without fail! The big reveal is: Minding your own thinking, feeling and doing and not your partner’s… This does not mean being obnoxious, inconsiderate, callous or uncaring… to the contrary.
When we own our Self we also embrace our thoughtful, understanding, compassionate, and loving parts of our Self… When we clean our mindset, invest in naturally feeling good, and take responsibility for our all our decisions and actions (including setting proper boundaries, meeting our needs and doing self care) our world starts to change… I promise!
Some might think that setting boundaries is giving our partner the middle finger. If that is you, stop that! Setting boundaries does not mean being mean… It does mean taking care of our Self while minding the other’s best interest…
Start owning your Self, start changing your world. Your world becomes a piece of cake when you start operating from this empowered state… It’s quiet an unbelievable experience… Trust and let go… Start living your Authentic Life and enjoying your Awesome Relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What are some things that you find yourself complaining about in your life? In your relationship? How do you contribute to the issue, situation, experience, status quo…? Find a different angle, perspective, approach to address this… The secret is to use your Self differently… Take an immediate action to address your concern today. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Whether there is a lot of fighting and bickering or quiet discontent and separateness, most couples struggle in their relationship. You might feel dissatisfaction, loneliness, and hopelessness seep in and take an unrelenting hold of your relationship from which you can’t seem to figure out a way to feel okay in your relationship and with your partner.
A daunting sense of despair, panic and / or paralysis might overcome you perpetuating the hurtful cycle (the demand / withdraw, pursuer / distancer, over- / underfunctioner, maximizer / minimizer pattern of relating). This is a result of using self-defeating defense mechanisms when triggered by the repeated unsuccessful attempts at trying to connect with our partner.
When we feel vulnerable, stressed, concerned, needy or just simply need to be in connection, we put our feelers out for our partner for comfort and might try approaching our partner for the safety of connection. This is an evolutionary bonding need that ensures our survival.
In connection we survive and thrive. When our approach is thwarted, dismissed, rejected, ignored or not recognized and our need goes unmet, we feel a sense of doom. Our very survival is at stake.
It is imperative for partners to feel connected to ensure a satisfying relationship and a sense of wellbeing. There are three key components (captured with the A.R.E. acronym) to making this happen according to attachment expert Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight. These include:
Accessibiltiy (Can I reach you?) Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?) Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?)When our partner is consistently available, open, receptive and approachable, we know we can turn to them.
When our partner is attuned, accepting, and makes us a priority we know we can count on them. When our partner is absorbed, attracted, involved, and interested, we feel special and wanted – we know we exist and we are OK.
This is the recipe for creating and sustaining connection and strengthening your bond. When you are accessible, responsive and engaged toward your partner, as best you can be even when things are rough, you become safe to your partner and in turn invite them to reciprocate. You change your dissatisfying interaction cycle to a satisfying, healing and loving one.
This is how we enjoy connection. This is how we are OK. This is what you get out of being in relationship. Give it a try. Give your partner the A.R.E. and invite them to thrive in connection.
Happy Connecting and Bonding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about how you can each be more accessible, responsive and engaged with each other. Take turns speaking for yourself and how you intend to enhance your bond and connection.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Some couples experience a lot of discomfort, dissatisfaction and unhappiness in their relationship as the partners have a hard time syncing, seeing eye-to-eye, understanding each other and connecting. This is not just about hectic schedules or intense life styles, different communication styles, gender or other differences for as these are addressed the dejection remains…
There is a human fundamental need that is not met for the partners in these couples. The need of being Accepted – to know that they are OK, that they exist, that they matter.
Partners struggle to be heard, seen, validated, recognized, praised, acknowledged, and cherished for who and what they are. In their struggle they go to any lengths to achieve this and in the process lose sight of their partner. They fail to recognize that their partner has the same need and is seeking the very same thing.
They both go about relating and interacting with each other in hurtful ways, denying each others’ reality and very existence trying as hard as they can to show themselves up. And, show themselves up they do – in very unkind ways!
This is the easiest way for a relationship to disintegrate. Partners do not feel gotten and revered by their partner experiencing a loss that deadens their chemistry and wanes their interest for each other, and/or a rage that creates chaos and drama in their life. These partners are in a lot of pain.
They are too busy assigning motive or telling each other how to Be and/or working so hard at protecting themselves and getting trapped behind the wall they put up, that they make it impossible to relate and connect with each other in a satisfying and meaningful way.
When we work so hard at being seen, we end up not being ourselves anyway… and we miss out on actually truly beholding our partner! A real tragedy. How about we stop trying so hard to be seen, and just show up as we Are, and work really hard instead at seeing our partner? Seeing and Accepting our partner does not deny who we are…
Happy Beholding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Find a creative way to show your partner you see their True Self. Celebrate them.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
STAY CONNECTED WITH US, SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
And, Get a FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
You CAN create the relationship you desire!
You have Successfully Subscribed!
With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Pin It on Pinterest
We track visits and User's visit information to analyze our performance and trends in order to create targeted messaging and programs to best serve you. We use cookies to provide a personalized and smoother browsing experience. Refer to our Privacy Policy for additional details.
You consent to our tracking and cookies when using our Websites.
