In my recent reading I have come across a piece of writing that has made me think of sexuality and physical intimacy from a different angle. I love when that happens! Give me material that sparks my creative juices and that I can integrate into my work for greater impact, and I’m a very happy camper. This is what tickles me!
Sexuality is commonly seen as physical love and a physical act with some recognition of its spiritual component. Usually we do not look at sex as a coming together of energies. But that is exactly what is happening. Our sexuality colors our energy and influences how we show up in the world. It impacts our style, what we radiate, and what we attract… It fuels our way of Being in the world, and our Aliveness.
When couples struggle with feeling attraction and having an active sex life, they are usually tired, out of sync, hang up on roles, responsibilities, and the mundane. They are stuck on looks and surface appearances. A lot of times work around physical intimacy revolves around addressing the above and getting partners out of their head… We create a lot of noise that impedes us from letting go, being vulnerable and able to connect and enjoy…
We might be able to get ourselves to enjoy a constructed mechanical moment where we might reach orgasm and feel close to our partner. But is this it? I’ve had plenty of conversations with clients around intimacy, attraction, passion, and having a real rewarding sexual relationship.
Partners not only get in their own way with the surface and practical side of their everyday life, but they are also missing the boat entirely around being sexual partners…
Yes, we use enriching sensuality through the senses as well to get things going… But this is not enough either. What is usually missing is the energetic showing up of the partners, the partners showing up with their Soul. Lovemaking is a spiritual experience… When our energies, our Souls connect, that’s where the Bam!, the OMG!, happens… This is the real definition of Intimacy.
Knowing and feeling your partner in a most vulnerable and available state… This is where the protections, defenses, walls come down and partners can Be with each other. This encounter is transcendent, pure bliss. As Dr. Judith Orloff writes, “Passion of the body is ignited by the passion of Heaven”…
I encounter all the time in my work with couples, how partners are not feeling sexual because of whatever their partner is or isn’t, is doing or isn’t doing… Can you imaging putting somebody else in charge of your sexuality, of your sex life? Yet, this is what we do. We do not need another person, a partner to be or feel sexual… This notion is extremely disempowering… We can be sexual beings and come to the party ready to party…
Get in touch with your own unique allure… Get in touch with and connect with your energy. Detach and observe your Self. Witness your Self. Feel your Self. Feel your energy. Feel your Soul. Embrace all of you. Accept all of you past the Surface and looks… Own and nourish your physicality (nutrition, hydration, rest, exercise and pampering) keeping yourself healthy and energized. Nourishment feeds passion…
Sexuality is a holy force of healing of mind, body and spirit… Embrace more fully this part of being human and integrate it with gusto into your life, and into your relationship! Feel sexual, be sexual, be passionate! Share your Passion with your Partner!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Sharing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment –
Has your sex life been on pause? Do you feel stuck sexually with your partner? Do you find having sexual relations to be a chore? Do you find that when you finally sync-up to be physically intimate that it is not all that? Take a moment to ponder these questions.
Sit in quiet and turn inward. Take a deep breath… Once grounded, ask your most vulnerable part of yourself, what is holding you back from an exciting, passionate, truly intimate, and unifying sexual relationship with your partner. Don’t judge the answer. This is a gift… This is your healing and growth place…
Translate your answer into an action you can take immediately to start addressing your healing and growth…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Ok, so you’ve been together for a long time, or maybe not so long, and are feeling time just passing you by and your relationship not moving or progressing with it.
You find that you still have a lot of the same issues, unresolved concerns, repeating arguments, don’t feel connected, are living parallel lives, can’t seem to have fun together or enjoy each other’s company, are bored, and feel empty. You are just going through the motions and question your commitment to your relationship and your partner.
Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario. Couples get sucked in and chewed up in the power struggle and seem to be unable to get out of it. They go around and around in their cycle for what could be ever if nothing is done about it. Relationships don’t just get better or become enjoyable again on their own. The partners need to do something different to make this happen.
I know this is easier said than done when you are stuck in the cycle and your behavior and reactions appear to be on autopilot! This is the more reason to make a conscious effort to address your situation.
The hint to getting unstuck is to take a step back and do a perspective change. Look at your situation from your partner’s perspective: put yourself in their shoes with their mindset. How are they looking at the situation? How do their history, wounds, personality, wishes, expectations, etc. influence their view? From this place, what do they want and need? How do they see you? How are they experiencing you?
You might not like what you see. Our behavior, reactions and expectations make perfect sense from our perspective, but when looked at from another angle they are flawed, or better said, they don’t flow or make sense from that point of view. Not for nothing you and your partner are not seeing eye-to-eye and are disconnected.
When you look at your interactions from both your perspectives and the chasm between you is apparent but the views clearer, you have a chance to start closing the rift.
The usual inherent difficulty here is that it is very difficult to see our situation from our partner’s perspective and a tough pill to swallow at that. But once this is achieved, following the simple guidelines above, the reconnecting, and healing, can begin.
The first and most important part of this is to actually tell your partner how you see the situation from their perspective. You are hence validating their experience and bringing them back to life. They are no longer absent, invisible, detached, gone. You don’t have to agree with how they see things, but the mere fact that you are able to see how they see things allows them to come back into existence. They have a voice.
This is necessary to even the playing field and to be able to have a conversation. A partner without a voice can’t conversate and be present in a relationship.
Resurrecting your partner gives you a chance to give life to the relationship you want. With a live partner you can create a joint perspective from which change can flow. This perspective is created by mutually and consistently sharing each of your perspectives while validating the other.
From this place it is a lot easier to meat each other’s needs. It is a lot easier to tailor our behavior or reaction when we know how it hurts our partner than when we are feeling attacked, criticized, taken for granted and ignored!
Go ahead – give it a try. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and start dancing to a new tune!!
Happy Dancing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Next time you feel getting sucked into your usual arguing listen for your partner’s hurts and disappointments hear their perspective. Put your reactions on hold and don’t listen for how this affects you, how you are hurt, what you need, etc. Put your stuff on HOLD!
Just listen to your partner and tell them what you are hearing them say (without making assumptions, interpretations or mind reading) and tell them how you understand their perspective and how they could be feeling as they do as a result (you don’t have to agree with it or see it the same way).
Now ask your partner what behavior change you can make to fix their complaint. Here you might need to coach them a bit on giving you very specific behavior change requests. For example, just be nicer to me, is too general, but, when I come home give me a kiss hello, and when I got to bed a goodnight kiss, is a lot more doable.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
With the hustle and bustle of the year end activities and holiday preparations and festivities, it is no wonder that we might feel a little over extended and perhaps have been neglecting our selves and loved ones. With the New Year just around the corner, it is time to shift gears and change our focus. It is time for fresh starts and new beginnings.
If your relationship has been feeling deprived, stuck, troubled, or just needs a little pick me up, now is the time to infuse it with new life!Think on what you want your relationship to be like. Close your eyes and see it in your mind’s eyes. Take a moment to really see what your dream relationship with your partner would look like. Take a deep breath and take in positive energy, hope, wisdom and love. Exhale out any reservations, resentments and negative thoughts.
Try to see the ins and outs of your relationship: How do you relate? How do you make decisions? How do you resolve conflict? How do you have fun? How is your sex life? How are you otherwise intimate? How do you enjoy personal time? How do you enjoy couple time? How do you manage dual careers, jobs? How are your finances? How do you share responsibilities? Do you have children? How do you relate with them? What does your home look like? What are your couple and family rituals? How do you feel as a couple? How do others see you as a couple? How do you deal with your family-of-origin, in-laws, and friends? Really see your relationship. Feel it. Once you have a sense of it. Open your eyes. Put a smile on your face.
With the beginning of a new year comes the promise and hope for new, different, and better. The opportunity to start anew and fresh is here. In the New Year we usually feel recharged, hopeful, open minded, motivated, and open. Now is the time to tackle your Relationship Vision. Make a commitment to making your relationship vision a reality, and pour your refreshed and ready self into your Relationship Enhancement Journey! Make relating more intimately and connecting more deeply a priority. Start creating your relationship vision today!!
Happy Fresh Starts & New Beginnings, and Happy New Year!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Share your relationship vision with your partner, invite them to visualize their own, and then integrate the two to create a Joint Relationship Vision! Here is how to make your joint relationship vision a reality: Pick one of the items in your joint vision that you want to work on and make a reality right away (you can schedule in your calendars a session / date to review your vision and create more goals to keep the momentum going!).
Once you chose your target item create a concrete goal around it and get to it!! Your goal needs to be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time limited.
It needs to include who will do what, when, where, and how. Also, it is very important that you attach the sensory effect and emotions of your item to your goal (how will achieving the goal taste, feel to the touch, smell, sound, look like, and feel emotionally?).
For example, let’s say that your joint dream relationship includes having fun together but you are currently lacking in that department and want to enhance this part of your relationship first.
Your goal could look something like this: We will take turns scheduling weekly couple outings that are no farther than two (2) hours away, last three (3) hours in length, take place on Saturdays, for the next three (3) months.
Having accomplished our goal will taste sweet and bubbly, feel smooth and velvety, smell like pink and peach roses, sound like a running brook, and feel exciting, alive, connected, safe, and loved.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It never ceases to amaze me that what we believe and think we create… I recently had the pleasure of connecting with a fabulous person who shared, “I started having the Good Things falling out of the sky…” What a lovely, powerful and faithful statement! I want this for you. I want you to have a life of ease and beauty. I want your Journey to be out of this world…
All it takes is to have positive believes, to align our values, and to clean our thinking and expectations for what we expect we get… This prescription is easer written than sold. There are many who are resistant to this concept and appear to choose a life of hardship instead. I’m witness to this in my work with couples everyday.
Partners expect their partner to be selfish, unsupportive, unfaithful, greedy, self-absorbed, needy, demanding, critical, uninvolved and many other unloving ways. Isn’t this crazy?! Of course this is not what they say they want in their relationship and from their partner, but they operate and have an ingrained belief system that this is how relationships and partners work. And, so it is for them.
This is tied-in with our feelings of Self worth and value. At a deeper level, we don’t believe we deserve better, to be treated well, to be cherished. If we don’t value ourselves how can we deserve. This is painful and devastating. Our Ego jumps in to protect us from this pain. The result is more shields, defenses and walls that further hide us from our selves, our loved ones and the world. The result is that we lose our Self.
Unknowingly we perpetuate this self-sabotage, defeating, and annihilating approach. We end up being unfaithful, dishonoring our purpose, and cheating those we are meant to be a hero to out of their Hero! This is completely unacceptable. We get an F in the course of life. We fail our mission to earth…
We have been blessed with the Gift of our Partner. We are contracted to assist each other on our Journey. Through our relationship we get to learn (remember) our Self worth and value, to own our Self, to embrace our magnificence, to stretch and become whole (again), to bring our best Self forward – to Be our Self.
This is the goal of our relationship. This is the reason for our Partnership. I know that when I settle in my Journey, lose faith, and sit by the side of the road for a moment that my relationship suffers.
My husband and I have not contracted for a “mediocre”, purposeless, life. When I break our contract we suffer… This has only become obvious to me in the recent past. I know now that I have to stay in the game for the highest good of all concerned… I can’t forfeit. Not embracing my magnificence is not an option.
Unfortunately, sometimes I’m not as much of a quick-learn as I’d like to believe. I’m still learning that when I’m tired I need to do more Self Care, have more Fun, and Recharge, and that being tired does not mean being on the wrong path… I’m learning to read my relationship queues better and really capitalize on this Gift and Blessing. I’m learning how to better Leverage this Partnership.
This is my Guide, my Compass. My husband is my Angel. He is my Gift. He provides the lessons I have to learn… The more I accept and embrace the lessons with courage and determination the more fulfilling, joyful, peaceful, empowering, loving, rewarding and down right awesome my Relationship and Journey become…
My relationship is my classroom and school is in session. I show up everyday ready to learn and pass with flying colors. This is how I create awesomeness. I highly recommend this approach to your relationship to remember your worth, get what you deserve, Be your best Self and have an awesome relationship and life! Receive the Great Stuff falling out of the sky…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Receiving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make a Sitting Date™ with yourself. Get comfy. Get grounded. Open up to see clearly and be open to receive… Take stock of your relationship and interactions. Do a review of what you love and enjoy, of what recharges and uplifts you. Rejoice. Do a review of where tension happens, of what can use sprucing up, and any impasses. Step back and observe these.
What’s their common denominator? What’s the theme? What’s the repeating Script? What is the lesson you have to learn, the code you have to crack, the stretch to Be your whole Self? Sit with this. Think of your next move, make it specific and concrete, to practice and demonstrate new competence in your area of growth… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The Holidays do all kinds of things to people. They provide a year-in-review, showcase our progress and success, spotlight our communion and belongingness, highlight our relationship dynamics, and nudge our very Soul for wakefulness. Add to this all the demands, expectations and hassle and bustle, and it is no wonder that the Holidays are rough for some.
The Holidays create stress, anxiety, depression, paralysis, withdrawal, mania, shame, overindulgence, overwhelm, crashing, loneliness, and other goodies. How do the Holidays affect you? If you generally fair well, still take note however minor the impact.
The Holidays can be treated as an opportunity for growth and healing… This is definitely fertile ground to work with! Why not take advantage of the opportunity available for the taking? When anything is framed as opportunity, its energy, meaning, impact and potential change. Now the situation is a gift and not a nuisance.
There is positivity built-in the reframe bearing optimism, strength, courage, hope, compassion, love, understanding, ownership, authenticity and awesomeness… Let’s shoot for getting more than just presents this Holiday Season!
Let’s go back to how the Holidays highlight our relationship dynamics. Whatever our dynamics they get amplified during this time. It’s as if our dynamics are on steroids. What you see, witness, experience is your usual dynamics to a heightened level.
This gives you an opportunity to better understand what usually bothers you and what doesn’t work that might have been difficult to pinpoint before. Before we knew interactions annoyed or hurt us. We knew are needs were not met. We complained, fought or sucked it up in hopelessness.
But now we have the chance at a magnified experience where we can see the crack. We have the chance to look at the crack up close and personal, and study it. We get the chance to see how it needs mending. The trick is to know what to look for: The theme, the broken record, and your script. What keeps replaying?
What is the lesson you are to learn? What is the code you need to crack? How are you to stretch to grow and heal, to break the impasse? This is the driver behind the dissatisfaction. Your call to action is to do something different for that in and of itself is Change…
It’s time to shake things up. It’s time to take a risk.It’s time to have better expectations. It’s time to raise the bar. It’s time to honor your Self, to Be your Authentic Self, and to bring it to your interactions. It’s time to be courageous and not be afraid of what could be. It’s time to go for it. It’s time for the next book in the series.
What does this look like? How do you go about it? It’s actually quite marvelous and simple. All you have to do is have a different response than your usual in your interaction. And, to do this for your Self without any outcome, expectation or intention of changing your partner in mind… So if you usually complain, call things out, whine or other some such in your interactions, your different response could be not say anything or to focus on the positive.
If your usual way is to suck it up, keep the peace, avoid conflict, and cave in, then your difference response could be standing up for your Self, speaking up, sharing what you are experiencing, or setting a limit or consequence.
The point here is not to go about changing your whole relationship, getting better results, inviting your partner to respond differently, and the rest of our usual intentions. This one is the mother load. This one goes for the jugular. This approach is for Us. Can you imagine? For Us… It is to build the muscle that has been dormant and which upon awakening saves the day…
Give it a try. Be gentle. Be courageous. Bring out the part of your Self that has been screaming to come out. Make space for it. Create safety for it. Nurture it. And take a leap of Faith, use it in your interactions. Go for it. Give it a try. The pay off is unimaginable…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Awakening!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a look at the weeks ahead. What significant events or plans are coming up? How will you be celebrating? What traditions will you follow? What rituals will you enjoy? Sit with the plans and the answers above… Hold them in your heart. Suspend judgment.
Are your plans in alignment with your core beliefs? Does your celebrating honor your Authentic Self? Do your traditions transmit your values? Do your rituals strengthen your identity, sense of Self, connections and bonds. Do they impart love, acceptance and adoration? Do they embrace our Human Experience…?
Connect with what comes up for you as you explore this. Where do you need to show up differently? What concrete change will you make for your next event or plans? Put it in action now… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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