What are we to do when we feel we tried it all to create change in our relationship, but nothing is working? I wager that there is actually a ton more that you can still do, without much effort…
I know that when we are frustrated and tired of the same arguments and conflicts that we are likely to feel hopeless and like giving up. It seems that everything we tried hasn’t worked and therefore like there is nothing left to do… But I promise that is just not the case…
It usually feels like there is nothing else we can do because we keep looking at our situation with the same lens on and the same filters. Which usually flow from an ego pattern and are negative. How are you supposed to see possibilities by looking at things in the same old way, and a negative way at that?
The way out of this conundrum is to realize how much power we actually have… We have tremendous power to impact and influence our partner and our relationship… Both positively and negatively…
But we are intentional about how we yield this power both partners can stand to reap amazing benefits.
This Month’s Theme is IMPACT, helping partners take their power back, fully own, and properly yield it.
If we want to create change in our relationship and in our life, it is time we take charge of creating what we desire. And we do it by fully owning our impact…
In today’s video I cover, how to: ~ Mind your Effect ~ Own your Shape ~ Optimize your Influence
So you have a positive impact on your relationship to create the relationship and life you want…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We can twist ourselves into a pretzel to get everything right in our relationship. We can wait for our partner to change. Or we can manipulate or control our partner into doing what we want. But none of these tactics work for creating our radiant and successful relationship, and joy in our life. Have you wondered how to change your relationship? The best way to create change in our relationship is to use connection and compassion…
I’ve been offering that to create change in our relationship, we have to change ourselves first. For this invites our partner to respond differently and hence shift the dynamic. And that is how we inspire our partner to change as well…
That is all true, but we can take the “change ourselves first” a bit too seriously and then feel discouraged and not even try…
What I want to offer today is some lightness into all this…
We CAN create the relationship we desire with our partner without turning ourselves into a pretzel, waiting for ever, or forcing our partner into anything… The way to do it is so simple that it almost flies under the radar… We tend to make things too complicated when they don’t have to be. Enriching our relationship is one such thing.
Change Your Relationship
So, what is this elusive tactic that is the magic bullet? The answer is to show up softer…
When we enter an interaction with our partner and they get defensive, reactive, and hijacked, that is our cue that they erected a wall. Now, no amount of pounding is going to get us through without both being unscathed.
In this case, the best approach is to try approaching them again with a softer approach. The softer approach will invite our partner to drop the wall and become available.
What does softer look like? Softer body language, softer voice and tone, softer language, softer energy…
Did you feel the shift in your body just reading that description? Imagine showing up shifted… Your partner doesn’t get physically and emotionally triggered- their unconscious and subconscious don’t need to erect protection… They don’t go into freeze, flight, or fight mode…
Going softer can be a challenge in and of itself if we are triggered, right? The key is to take a pause, take a deep belly breath, adjust ourselves, and then engage. Sometimes the pause needs to be longer than a breath if you are very activated… In that case, give your partner a heads up if appropriate- for sometimes discontinuing the engagement or not engaging at all is indicated, and then take a time out, a little break, to regroup, reset…
From the gentler place you can address your concern or needs, still being mindful of not aggressing your partner… Not going into their circle. Not judging or criticizing. Not making them wrong. Not canceling them. You do it by speaking your truth…
Speaking our truth can be challenging to do as well if you are disconnected from ourselves, and if our dynamics have been scary where we don’t feel safe showing up.
Please remember that your truth doesn’t mean that you are right, and that your partner is wrong- they have their own truth. Both partners are right in their own experience… Partners have a hard time with this.
They can’t hold space for both existing… This is why it’s so important that when you address your side that you don’t invalidate your partner’s… That you don’t go after them reinforcing whatever programs and triggers they have going on themselves… And to not confirm whatever fears they already have running rampant…
Going softer is a super simple tactic that does require a commitment on your part to do what it takes to show up softer… And to be mindful to speak your truth without canceling your partner in turn… Using your compassion should do the trick…
To know your truth and have the courage and wisdom to show up with it just requires connecting to yourself…
~ When you are disconnected from yourself, you are operating with your lower-self, blindly…
~ When you are connected with yourself, you are operating with your higher-self, brilliantly…
Note that when you operate from your higher-self, you are a lot more attractive and easier to connect with… Your partner won’t be running for the hills.
APPLICATION: Take a moment to ponder what usually triggers you in your relationship with your partner, then:
~ Identify the stories and scripts that run through your mind
~ Identify the vulnerable feelings that come up
~ Identify where these feelings reside in your body
~ Identify what symptoms and ailments they create
~ Identify how you usually numb yourself, so you don’t have to feel your feelings
~ Identify what defenses you use when relating with your partner for protection
~ Recognize how you are living in a life hologram- not authentically you…
Start changing this by becoming more present in your life using mindfulness practices…
Creating the relationship you desire, doesn’t have to be hard work. It doesn’t have to be painful. It doesn’t have to feel impossible. It just requires a commitment to being nice to yourself and each other… 😉
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Complete the Relationship Enrichment Course to help you change your relationship and take it to the next level!
Whether you need an overhaul or next level inspiration, this course helps you:
Break the impasse, be empowered, feel hopeful and inspired again
Improve your communication and deepen your understanding of each other
Change your patterns and better meet your and your partner’s needs
Enrich your connection, enhance your intimacy and truly enjoy being with each other
Strengthen your partnership, strive towards your Joint Life Vision, role model a radiant and successful relationship
You can access it through our Member Center, FREE with our Lifestyle Membership Access it HERE
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Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you feel like life is a struggle? Are you having a hard time in your relationship? Do you find that you can’t seem to get along with your partner? That no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get on the same page?
That you can’t create and sustain connection? That you can’t make headways in creating the life you want? Do you feel stagnant, stuck, hopeless? If so, you are not alone. Unfortunately, wanting to fix your relationship is a common desire. Things might not be working right now, but they can…
You want to have an amazing life but even thinking of pursuing a Life Vision feels foreign and overwhelming. You have no clue as to where to start. And thinking about living your best life feels ridiculous when your life is a struggle every day.
When you are constantly at odds with your partner. How can you possibly think of a dream life, a dream future? You don’t even know what would be in it- it is so far removed. And if you had an inkling it really just lives in dream land…
You can’t even consider going for it as you are in mostly survival mode. Yes, you have some good days and some fun times, but in all you are just grinding and surviving. You are not alive. You are not living your best life.
You are not on the same page, feeling deeply connected and having a flowing collaboration with your partner. You are not creating your joint Life Vision every day. The concept of manifesting it together is extraterrestrial talk.
When you pause to think about your life and your relationship, it feels like life is passing you by. It feels like you are incompatible with your partner- that they don’t get you and that you don’t care to get their ridiculousness.
You deeply want to fix your relationship because every conversation and interaction ends up in a disagreement, escalation, or at minimum both feel really bad- not heard, understood, gotten, valued or cherished. You keep triggering and annoying each other, you are constantly walking on eggshells, and are running on empty.
You can count on one hand how many times you were intimate in the past couple of months or had real fun together. So then, how can you possibly have bandwidth and energy for collaborating on a joint Life Vision…
I get it – even considering a joint Life Vision is the furthest thing from your mind…
What if I told you that you can come back from this disillusioned grim place? And that the way is actually quite simple, not easy but simple?
Fixing Your Relationship
The reason it’s not easy is because we love to blame our partner for what’s wrong. We focus on who they are, how they are, what they do, and not do, and so on. This is really an epidemic. When the couples we work with are stuck, it is partially because they refuse to not focus on their partner and how they supposedly ruin things…
You see focusing on your partner and how they should change- how they should stop lying, or start apologizing, or stop yelling, or start being nice, or stop being compulsive, or start being more compassionate, and so on- is not the answer.
We can’t make people do anything, we are not inside their brain and body to make them do the things we want. We can’t demand respect, understanding and niceness. This is not how we create our radiant and successful relationship…
But what I can tell you with certainty, is that you do have control over yourself and what you do… And, that when you do something different or show up differently that your partner automatically responds in kind… A different approach invites, inspires, a different response…
This is how you create change- this is how you help your partner change… This is how you create a different relationship that is the cornerstone of creating your best life. From this place you can envision and create your joint Life Vision… Voila!
Hey, I know that this is super hard to do for different reasons. It is especially hard to make our own changes and to show up differently, when our partner is doing what they do that so hurt or annoy us… But if you want to create your best life, it needs to start with you!
You can’t keep waiting for your partner to change or to do something different. You can be waiting a very long time, and that is if you even make is as a couple… You have the power, all the power, to change your relationship for you have control over what you do and what you do creates change…
It’s up to you. Do you want this relationship to work? Do you want to create an epic love affair with your partner? Do you want to create your best life? Do you want to strive for your Life Vison jointly? Well, let’s go- you can do it!
APPLICATION: How can you possibly change your relationship by yourself? The key is in fully owning all of you and showing up with your best self, as much as you can, as often as you can…
When you do this, your awesomeness will inspire your partner (and others!) to show up better themselves– and so in actuality you are both working it at the end of the day…
But when you wait for your partner as supposed to inspiring your partner, that’s when things move super slow and they are more painful than they have to be…
So, where do you start? Start as simply as possible and that is by having awareness of your self- your triggers, your sensitivities, your scripts, your stories, your wounds, your defenses, your shadows, how you show up and what you put out, your patterns, what you love, what you desire, what gives you joy, what’s fun and exciting for you, etc. Become more aware of you and learn yourself better!
How? Start with simple mindfulness practices, journaling, being with yourself, staying open and receptive… Strengthen yourself from within…
If you are at a loss for how to do this and stay the course for better taking care of and learning yourself, and how to inspire your partner- we can help.
Take one action today to get you moving on your new track: Get a meditation app, get a new journal, schedule a Self Date, schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or other professional support, anything towards investing in yourself… Have fun!
You can do it! You can fix your relationship! Become your most radiant self and invite your partner to shine with you…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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