Right about now I know many are feeling discombobulated, overwhelmed, unmotivated, anxious, depressed, lost. This is not uncommon for this time of year. There is such a let down from the frenzy of the holidays and pressure to rock the new year that people feel paralyzed. If this is you do not worry. It makes sense!
In fact, this week includes a Blue Day – Blue Monday (the 3rd Monday in January), the most depressing day of the year! The post-holidays crash, wintry dark days, arrival of unpaid credit card bills, and realization of unkept New Year’s resolutions would do that to some. Here is a fun site on this for kicks: http://www.bluemonday.org/. You might also want to check out getting a Light Therapy Lamp!
So now is the time to be gentle, compassionate and loving towards yourself. Now is the time to pamper and comfort yourself out of the slump and reset so you can have your most amazing year yet (no pressure!). I am currently playing with an AMAZING book on self-care, The Woman’s Comfort Book. It’s by Jennifer Louden, who also wrote, The Couple’s Comfort Book.
This is a terrific resource for finding ways to expand your self-care, self-nurturing, self-pampering, self-soothing, self-love, and such. It provides tons of different ways to accomplish these and a robust resource list the specific topics she covers. Just glorious…
Focusing on this for yourself will help empower, recharge, reset, motivate, and inspire you. Just what’s needed right about now. And, while you are it, check out the Couple’s version to get your Relationship off to an amazing start as well. 🙂
Most people focus on things like releasing weight, exercising more, saving money, and paying off debt. Not many include a relationship goal or intention when thinking about the New Year… If you do, you get a gold star!! This is interesting as being in a happy relationship is one of the most important success, health and happiness indicators in our life…
So, how about it? Let’s make it a new habit to pay better attention to our love life and our partner… The book I mentioned above is a great way to start nurturing your relationship. Also, you can get our weekly Laser Relationship Assignments™ if you don’t already get them to help you create your Successful Relationship™.
Let’s share more TLC and Love starting TODAY!
Complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Happy Blasting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Let’s keep it simple! Sign-up for our (FREE) weekly Laser Relationship Assignments™, a relationship enrichment program, to keep you focused on nurturing your relationship this year. It gives you strategies for healing, communicating, collaborating, and creating the changes you want. This is an easy way to stay the course on your relationship goals. Start creating your Successful Relationship™ now!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Partners protect themselves because of the inherent vulnerable position in their intimate primary relationship… It is not uncommon for partners to protect themselves by using forms of control. Control provides a sense of security, safety, preservation, asylum and even freedom.
But these are elusive, they are like sand running through fingers, and hence control is pervasive… Control provides a false sense of being OK, promoting disconnect, pain and dissatisfaction. When partners use control they are actually creating more space between each other. Obviously this isn’t the way to go.
Control can take on many forms. Some common ones include: Anticipating, assuming, mindreading, projecting, using logic and rhetoric, fact-finding, and assigning motive. All which have a negative impact on the relationship…
In anticipating, partners love to think they know what the other will do, how they will respond, what they will choose, how they will feel and such. Yes, because historically our partner has been a certain way and because we know our partner, we can anticipate what might happen…
When we operate from a place of already knowing the outcome, we are not allowing something different to happen. We are not allowing our partner, and even ourselves, from being or doing something different, which is what would create the change we are seeking…
We can make all kinds of assumptions for the same reasons. We might be historically informed, but we are cheating the relationship from evolving. When partners relate through assuming they are creating circumstances for things to go wrong and to be disenfranchised. They are short-changing themselves of an opportunity to connect by checking-in, getting on the same page and synchronizing.
Mindreading is a real arrogant way of being in relationship. Who are we to know what’s in someone else’s mind? Yes, we can make educated guesses, but this is extremely intrusive and disrespectful. We are going in our partner’s mind with our own filters… There is nothing trustworthy of the information coming from this tactic. Talk about really setting ourselves up to fail. Note, this does not refer to imagining how somebody could feel, using compassion…
Projecting is how things get really interesting… Partners start going around and around on topics and experiences losing track of whose issue, feeling, or need it is… This is crazy making in interactions…
Logic, rhetoric, and fact- and truth- finding are all ego-driven. These are ways to prove ourselves right and to make our partner wrong creating a lose-lose situation. And, what’s the benefit in that?
Assigning motives is a sure way to shoot ourselves on the foot. Partners going through a rough patch rarely assign positive motives, give their partner the benefit of the doubt, or extend grace. They are usually convinced their partner did what they did on purpose to hurt or because they don’t care… They assign intentionally and assume the worse.
While these are common, they are not exclusive. Partners have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves to survive their relationship… Imagine employing several of these and others in your interactions. This is the surest way to create bizarre and messy situations.
When you can’t follow what is happening in an interaction or get anywhere, it’s because a lot of these are going on… Make sure you don’t create more damage… Clean this up, and fast! The life of your relationship depends on it, literally!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
All of the control tactics are actually boundary injuries… If you find yourself doing the above, or other control tactics, then you are owning your partner and not owning yourself…
If you just had the thought that your partner is controlling, this applies to you as well as you are still “other-focused” and that’s part of a lack of ownership approach… What are you doing or not doing that is inviting your partner to be controlling…? Identify how the way you are carrying on is controlling in and of itself…
Any boundary injurious tactic constitutes putting a knife to the bond between you… This is a most painful, dissatisfying, and hopeless approach to our relationship. Mind how you can clean up your side… Be super diligent about this. The better the boundaries, the better the relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify where you cross boundaries in your relationship.
If in doubt, ask your partner… Be ready to receive the feedback, and be grateful for it. Don’t take it as a criticism, it’s just feedback to help you in your evolution…
Do NOT give your partner unsolicited direct or indirect feedback. It is not your job to be their teacher… Your job is to learn from the feedback you get…
Understand how you are crossing boundaries, and what need you are trying to meet. Clean up how you show up, and try a different approach to get your needs met.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I frequently witness partners’ devastation when feeling stuck in their relationship. They share about their pain and hopelessness. They believe things are as good as they are going to get, and think there is nothing that can be done to change them.
The pain is great because if this is as good as it’s going to get, then they think they shouldn’t be in it. And, with that come feelings of failure, betrayal, resentment, anger, loss, sadness and such. In this dooms day perspective they perpetuate their pain…
What’s interesting is that this happens when they are triggered. If asked at other times how things are going, it’s usually far from dooms day. But, when we are triggered it is very easy to miss the forest for the tree. Partners put on blinders and only see the episode that hurt them or threw them off track, and all the previous similar ones.
They are great historians and skilled at threading this negative pattern… They focus on this one dimension of their relationship and refuse to see the rest that’s good, or even amazing.
When partners focus on what is not working as a theme and really harp on what goes wrong, they are setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are looking for things that don’t work. They are looking for their partner’s mistakes. They are looking for things that bother them. And, find they will because nobody is perfect.
They are hyper-vigilant and on alert against their partner… Donning this lens is nothing but self-and-other-defeating, relationship sabotaging, limiting and down right abusive of our Self and our Partner.
The ruminating on the events and interactions that hurt us just serve to retraumatize ourselves. It keeps us stuck in a negative thinking loop, that generates hurtful feelings and that keeps us from acting from our Authentic and Highest Self… This promotes nasty behavior towards our partner and neglectful behavior towards our Self. It is very difficult to set effective loving boundaries and maintain our self-care practice when we are in this place.
We are reactive, and sometimes don’t even realize it… If we continue to nurture our grouch, our lens gets dirtier and dirtier to the point where we lose our sight period. We lose our perspective completely. Then of course it’s hard to imagine there is coming back from the current experience or that something different is possible…
The first item of business here is to suspend all judgment, slow down the recursive thinking, and put ourselves on a time-out. Imagine you can hit a pause button where the movie can stop playing, do that… Do whatever it takes to stop ruminating, analyzing, fact-finding and the like…
This squirrely activity is just like you drinking the poising and expecting your target to die. Stop poisoning yourself! Do any activity that releases positive chemistry in your brain and helps you change your state. You are responsible for how you feel…
From this place you are more resourced and are now able to address your trigger. But don’t go at it until you are able to see your partner’s experience. If you can’t or as soon as you start thinking about it you get retriggered, then you are not ready to address this with your partner. Keep at this until you are ready. Otherwise, you’ll keep hacking at your bond and creating more damage that becomes harder and harder to repair.
Do whatever it takes to see things from your partner’s viewpoint and experience. Understand what is happening for them and the pain they are also in. Access your compassion for their side. Then you’d be ready to effectively and productively address the initial trigger.
Your job is to keep yourself in a resourced state as much as possible, or more and more, for your relationship to work. If you are intent on being right, being resentful for how you’ve been wronged, and upset then there is little chance to make changes in your relationship. Might as well quit now and save yourself a lot of aggravation. But, please know that this does not have to be your outcome! You CAN push through this veil and enjoy the Light on the other side…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The boundary in this instance is of containing yourself. If we refuse to take the hook our partner is casting and if we refuse to take ourselves on a ride, we minimize the damage we usually do. When a trigger happens, take a moment to regroup, change your state, gather what’s happening for you and for your partner, put it all in perspective and then you are ready to go back.
From a less escalated, regrouped, and resourced place you can more easily repair, get back on the same page, and move on. A key element here is that when you take your leave from the situation, that you still remain connected… Otherwise, the triggering continues…
How do you usually keep retraumatizing your Self? Make a commitment now to stop that! Give your Self a lot of love and compassion.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Regrouping!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Escalation-proof your relationship to prevent stuckness and hopelessness:
Make an agreement with your partner on how to implement time-outs to prevent escalations, and discuss how to reentry.
Identify items that easily put you in a positive state and integrate them into your routine.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Feeling disconnected from our partner and at a loss for how to change this, are very disempowering and painful feelings. Couples in this predicament struggle in all aspects of their relationship.
The relationship in general feels unsteady, questionable, elusive, untrustworthy, unsafe, scary or threatening. When we are disconnected we can’t tell up from down in the relationship. We struggle making decisions. We move slow in achieving goals, getting things done or getting anywhere.
We have the experience of being in a fog and of going around in circles. We feel exhausted, disenchanted, hopeless. This state impacts our self-esteem as we feel rejected, unwanted, unworthy, not good enough, not capable. This is even more poignant and obvious for the partner that’s the connector in the relationship…
At some level we wonder, How is it possible to not be able to Connect to the most important person in our life? This is painful. This is torture. This is hell on earth!
This is troubling because it doesn’t feel good to be alone in our relationship, and because life is more challenging when doing it alone. This is painful because in our humanness we are meant to be in connection, our brain is wired for connection. Not having connection is not meeting a basic human need.
And, I’ll go further and say that this is so painful because we are not meeting a basic Higher need. We are not meeting the need to be in our Partnership… In disconnection, we are not in Partnership… If we are not honoring our Partnership, we are missing out on its inherent gifts needed to live our Purpose…
But, it is not all lost. The reasons for the disconnect and how the disconnect manifests are part of the Journey in and of themselves… When we are connected the focus is on tapping into our synergy and doing amazing things. When we are disconnected the focus is on cracking the code on how to connect. In the cracking of the code we heal, grow and evolve preparing us for the next phase of our Life…
So, if you are feeling disconnected all is not lost. Reframe your situation and see the Gift in this. Be mindful to not engage your usual defenses for they keep you blind… Sit tight and take care of yourself. From a more resourced state you can approach your situation and relationship differently creating the conditions for change to happen.
Have compassion for yourself and your partner in all this. This is just a part of the Journey. When you get that, all this is MUCH easier…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When we feel disconnected two things are usually happening. One, one of the partners is trying really hard to connect but is going about it in such a way that it invites the opposite outcome than what’s desired. Two, the other partner is so busy protecting themselves and holding on to their independence that they disappear from the relationship. This invites the first partner to try harder to connect… And, so the cycle continues.
The key here is for both partners not to focus on what their partner is or isn’t doing, but on how they themselves are showing up… This is one of the most important concepts to wrap our mind around if our relationship is going to work, and work well…
Stop focusing on whether your partner is being nice, doing what they said they’d do, using the right techniques or skills, and such. And, most importantly stop keeping score and doing the tit-for-tat thing. Relationship math doesn’t add up! Instead focus on what you are doing to maintain the status quo:
– How do you continue to pursue, demand, criticize, attack, teach, suggest, control, be the boss of the other? It’s time you cut that out. You might think you’ve come a long way not pursuing, but if you are feeling disconnected in your relationship chances are you are still pursuing in some kind of shape or form… It’s time you really clean how you are operating. Get out of your partner’s circle! Your invading their space does not allow them to show up.
Instead work on meeting your own needs, and having compassion and understanding for your partner. No cajoling or helping them do their side, this is codependence… They need to do it. This does not mean not being supportive though. Some take this to an extreme creating other problems… You need to sit tight and appropriately address your needs…
– How do you continue to distance, withdraw, protect, disappear, be unavailable, shutdown, leave, dismiss, minimize? It’s time you cut that out.
You might think you’ve come a long way not distancing, but if you are feeling disconnected, or your partner is feeling disconnected [use this measuring for you might even be shutdown from your own feelings and needs…], chances are you are still distancing in some kind of shape or form… It’s time you really clean how you are operating. Get in your circle! All the protection you are doing is a temporary fix.
You are just postponing the work (healing, growing, evolving) that you need to do. It’s time to stop playing it safe. Life can’t happen if you don’t show up. And remember, showing up doesn’t mean forcing your side. Part of showing up means getting the other person’s experience and giving them compassion for it… This is the heart-led approach that moves mountains…
What will it be? Will you start really Living your life? To do so, keep cleaning how you are operating. You’ll be glad you did!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a look at how your weeks go, how your days go, and how your daily routines go. What are your chances of crossing paths on a daily basis? I bet not that large unless you both stay home, work from home together or work in the same place.
This means that the opportunities to cross paths need to be created, and guarded. Being in the same place at the same time or touching base electronically does not necessary mean you create connection. Sometimes these interceptions actually create conflict and make things worse.
Some would take this as a sign to stay away. Don’t be tempted to that as that makes things even worse yet. Granted you might not be fighting but the distance is the same as not having a relationship, so what’s the point?
You are tasked with two things:
Teak the flow of your day and routine so you can have predictable and spontaneous interceptions.
Bring your nicest self, operating from a heart-led approach, to your interactions. Talk to your partner’s heart.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I love observing couples. I’m always intrigued by how they operate, especially if it works for them. I’m always learning from the couples around me. I’m in awe and inspired by couples that are dedicated and devoted to making their relationship work better. I’m honored to work with the partners I work with.
Their commitment to their relationship and each other is unparalleled. I love working with them. Sometimes though, the things that partners tolerate surprise me. And, the things they find egregious doubly surprise me. This is when I do education moments during our work so partners don’t end up torturing themselves and each other…
Here are some basic Relationship Best Practices™:
Know and remember your partner is your ally, not your enemy. Don’t assign negative motives.
Understand your partner is a Gift, a mirror…, to help you heal, grow, and evolve… If you don’t like something, you have to change something – not the other way around!
Don’t own your partner – don’t tell them how to be, how to operate, what to do, how to feel, what to believe, what to eat, how to dress, etc. Even in your internal dialogue! This generates animosity and doesn’t serve anyone…
Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s intentions, feelings, thoughts, etc. Don’t run away with the story you concoct about what is happening… Mindfully and respectfully check-in about what is going on for them.
Listen to your partner’s side with understanding, compassion and acceptance. Don’t listen to give advise, fix, judge, make a counter argument, or waiting to give your side…
Be smart about the timing of your communication. Don’t push if either of you is triggered. Build-in time-outs if things start getting heated, and always come back to wrap things up.
Understand your partner’s hot buttons, wounds / triggers, and be mindful to avoid these. When your partner is triggered give a response that meets the need underneath the trigger… This is one way we heal.
Intentionally go about meeting your partner’s needs.
Intentionally set up structures and systems for getting and staying connected, increasing intimacy, and having fun.
Intentionally set up structures and systems for operating like a well-oiled machine and creating an amazing life.
It goes without saying that showing up with courtesy and respect is of utmost importance. We build and add the other skills from here. This means no: yelling at, cursing at or name-calling, physicality, blaming, criticizing, and other things we wouldn’t necessarily do in other relationships or to other people…
I find that when couples are struggling they throw right out the window basics things like respect, courtesy, understanding, benefit of the doubt, grace, compassion, appreciation and the like. It’s as if they never learned manners, sensibility and how to be nice. As sad as it sounds, coaching partners to treat their partner as if they were strangers does the trick during stubborn times…
If you do some of these, make it your business to clean this up now and keep it clean no matter what your partner is doing… If you are feeling antagonized then it’s not a good idea to continue the interaction. Take a break and resume addressing your concern, and/or addressing the interaction, at a later time…
You each have relationship rights and responsibilities. Here are some to get your wheels turning, to:
Be treated well
Be yourself
Have needs met
Have loyalty and honesty
Have transparency
Have privacy
Have freedom
Have accountability
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to expand our capacity and skill for being tolerant, accepting, and compassionate towards our partner while being accountable and having appropriate boundaries ourselves… We don’t want to freak out over mundane things, and we don’t want to overlook inappropriate and harmful behavior and attitudes.
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to really mind what we put into it… We tend to focus on what our partner puts in, victimizing ourselves… We pat ourselves on the back for putting in things we want to put in, as opposed to things that nurture the relationship and that our partner prefers.
What’s the point of that?! We don’t have to work so hard or invest so much. We just have to do the right kind of investing, giving in our partner’s love language. It goes a longer way… There is a saying in networking circles: “Givers, Gain”…
Stop fighting it and power struggling. Just start giving more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Giving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Find an area in your relationship where your ownership is skewed and your boundaries can use some recalibrating. Note sure where?
Think on times when you are frustrated and annoyed with your partner. This is a strong indicator that you are owning them and not taking care of yourself properly. Make a list of these times and find pattern(s) or recurring issue(s).
Select one and use Relationship Best Practices™ to address it and make a change.
Own your Self, transform your interactions!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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