I love observing couples. I’m always intrigued by how they operate, especially if it works for them. I’m always learning from the couples around me. I’m in awe and inspired by couples that are dedicated and devoted to making their relationship work better. I’m honored to work with the partners I work with.
Their commitment to their relationship and each other is unparalleled. I love working with them. Sometimes though, the things that partners tolerate surprise me. And, the things they find egregious doubly surprise me. This is when I do education moments during our work so partners don’t end up torturing themselves and each other…
Here are some basic Relationship Best Practices™:
Know and remember your partner is your ally, not your enemy. Don’t assign negative motives.
Understand your partner is a Gift, a mirror…, to help you heal, grow, and evolve… If you don’t like something, you have to change something – not the other way around!
Don’t own your partner – don’t tell them how to be, how to operate, what to do, how to feel, what to believe, what to eat, how to dress, etc. Even in your internal dialogue! This generates animosity and doesn’t serve anyone…
Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s intentions, feelings, thoughts, etc. Don’t run away with the story you concoct about what is happening… Mindfully and respectfully check-in about what is going on for them.
Listen to your partner’s side with understanding, compassion and acceptance. Don’t listen to give advise, fix, judge, make a counter argument, or waiting to give your side…
Be smart about the timing of your communication. Don’t push if either of you is triggered. Build-in time-outs if things start getting heated, and always come back to wrap things up.
Understand your partner’s hot buttons, wounds / triggers, and be mindful to avoid these. When your partner is triggered give a response that meets the need underneath the trigger… This is one way we heal.
Intentionally go about meeting your partner’s needs.
Intentionally set up structures and systems for getting and staying connected, increasing intimacy, and having fun.
Intentionally set up structures and systems for operating like a well-oiled machine and creating an amazing life.
It goes without saying that showing up with courtesy and respect is of utmost importance. We build and add the other skills from here. This means no: yelling at, cursing at or name-calling, physicality, blaming, criticizing, and other things we wouldn’t necessarily do in other relationships or to other people…
I find that when couples are struggling they throw right out the window basics things like respect, courtesy, understanding, benefit of the doubt, grace, compassion, appreciation and the like. It’s as if they never learned manners, sensibility and how to be nice. As sad as it sounds, coaching partners to treat their partner as if they were strangers does the trick during stubborn times…
If you do some of these, make it your business to clean this up now and keep it clean no matter what your partner is doing… If you are feeling antagonized then it’s not a good idea to continue the interaction. Take a break and resume addressing your concern, and/or addressing the interaction, at a later time…
You each have relationship rights and responsibilities. Here are some to get your wheels turning, to:
Be treated well
Be yourself
Have needs met
Have loyalty and honesty
Have transparency
Have privacy
Have freedom
Have accountability
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to expand our capacity and skill for being tolerant, accepting, and compassionate towards our partner while being accountable and having appropriate boundaries ourselves… We don’t want to freak out over mundane things, and we don’t want to overlook inappropriate and harmful behavior and attitudes.
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to really mind what we put into it… We tend to focus on what our partner puts in, victimizing ourselves… We pat ourselves on the back for putting in things we want to put in, as opposed to things that nurture the relationship and that our partner prefers.
What’s the point of that?! We don’t have to work so hard or invest so much. We just have to do the right kind of investing, giving in our partner’s love language. It goes a longer way… There is a saying in networking circles: “Givers, Gain”…
Stop fighting it and power struggling. Just start giving more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Giving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Find an area in your relationship where your ownership is skewed and your boundaries can use some recalibrating. Note sure where?
Think on times when you are frustrated and annoyed with your partner. This is a strong indicator that you are owning them and not taking care of yourself properly. Make a list of these times and find pattern(s) or recurring issue(s).
Select one and use Relationship Best Practices™ to address it and make a change.
Own your Self, transform your interactions!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
How do we create a masterpiece life? How do create an awesome relationship? The answer is quite simple, we change (grow, heal, step it up a notch, etc)… How do we change? We change by taking action on new information (or old information if you sat on your a** with it thus far)… Insight, information, learning, reading do nothing for us unless we take some kind of related action, unless we implement something different.
I hear all the time, “I’ve tried it all”… No you have not! Stop deluding yourself and tricking yourself into complacency. To create your Authentic Life and Awesome relationship you have step out of your comfort zone and do what the next level requires. If you keep doing the same old, you’ll keep getting the same old. So stop it, and decide now that you are going for it. S** or get off the pot! What does this mean? How do we go for it?
Decide you are going for it
Make a commitment to not settle and stay the course (it’s easy to commit to not settling by leaving)
Learn everything you can about the next level and how to get there
Create a prescription, plan, structure, system, routine, practice, whatever out of the information
Put your implementation mechanism in place
Make sure it has a “drilling” characteristic built in (repetition is the key!!)
Trying something once is not trying something. Trying something a couple of times is not even trying. When you workout once, are you fit? When you workout a couple of times, are you fit? No. So, why when you try to connect with your partner and it goes awry you say, “I tried”? This is not good enough.
Trying a couple of times doesn’t cut it. We have to push through the disappointment, fear and hopelessness – the pain, as with exercising. We don’t stop at the sign of pain. We keep going, we push through. This is where the muscles get strong, where growth and change happens…
Your trying needs to be repeated. Do you type one word on your keyboard and decide you don’t know how to type? Do you shoot one hoop and decide your suck at basketball? Do you hit a couple of keys on the piano and decide you are not musically inclined?
No. You practice and repeat to get proficient and then amazing. You have to give it a chance for it to stick. You have to keep refining your approach. Tweak, tweak, tweak. Practice makes “perfect.” The drilling, tweaking, and practicing element of this is so huge and way underestimated.
This means you keep trying and refining your communication skills, your lovemaking, your dates planning, your repairing skills, your boundary setting, etc. The more you invest the better you get at it! Having an awesome relationship means creating an awesome relationship… It doesn’t happen by chance it requires laser focus, investing and intention.
And, we don’t keep the weight at the same weight amount, we keep increasing it for better results. The same goes for our relationship! Once the thrill of this level wears off, we are ready for the next level so we keep creating more awesomeness. If we allow ourselves to stay in the plateau and stagnate, we don’t keep the progress we made…
Part of being alive is to keep going for more. It’s part of our human condition. Don’t fight it. Honor it. Keep investing. You’ll create all you desire and more. You can’t even imagine the possibilities from the level you are at…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this article?
Happy Drilling!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What is a characteristic, quality or behavior that you want to see more in your relationship? Break it down into a small actionable step that can be repeated. For example, affection – kissing and hugging, trust and honesty – transparency and sharing, ownership – making requests for tangible behaviors that meet your needs, connection – spending quality time together.
Now, devise an implementation system that includes “drilling” – kissing every hour, getting home a certain time everyday, making a clear and mindful request daily that addresses a need, having date night every Saturday. Put this in place for a determined period of time (a week or month depending on the drill frequency) and implement no matter what. Stay tuned for the awesome impact! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I can tell my couples how to do things till I’m blue in the face, but unless we play deeper change is not possible… I find that we have a tendency to look for immediate gratification, the quick fix, the easy way out, and the shortest path to the Promised Land. If this approach worked we would already be an amazingly evolved species…
Unfortunately, this is not the case. This approach does not work. We have to be in it to win… We have to have skin in the game to get the desired outcome. We have to have our two feet in to walk and enjoy the Journey. Investing anything less guarantees we won’t thrive, that we won’t create our Authentic Life and Awesome Relationship.
What I see happen is that we jump in with blinders to create what we desire. We think we know where we want to go and start going in that general direction, with our fingers crossed that we’ll find the way. Haphazardly we go in without a plan or a map.
We do this with our life, and with our relationship… We have no idea what we are doing or where we are going, and get upset when we get lost or go in the wrong direction… This is an absurd way to do our life and relationship.
We train, study, research, plan and set goals, and get support with other things we do… Actually, some don’t do this at all, and then they wonder how come nothing is working… We have to set ourselves up for success to create what we Desire…
How do we do that? There are three areas of focus to really get ourselves in order:
Consciously – We usually don’t know where we are going and how to get there. We have general ideas but don’t bother to create a clear destination, have a map and plan for getting there.
At this level we need to have a clear vision of what we desire – what we want our human experience to be, which can be further developed and tweaked as we go. And, we have to have a plan and support in place to get there. We need a vehicle with a full tank of gas, an itinerary and a map.
Subconsciously (or preconsciously) – We have a core set of beliefs that infiltrate and drive our behavior and approach to Life. We are usually blind to these unless we’ve invested in unearthing them. These are fear driven as a protective mechanism and operate as the break pedal on anything that appears “dangerous”… These beliefs are usually not in alignment with our “scary” desires and therefore manifest as sabotage…
At this level, we have to tune in, address and clean out our fears and limiting beliefs… We need to reprogram ourselves so our conscious and subconscious minds are congruent and in alignment. This clears up the traffic jams on our way to our destination.
Unconsciously – We have primitive, instinctual and built-in systems that are not directly or easily accessible. These include our embodied brain, our affective biological program, and our energetic molecular make up… This is our embodied Soul impacted by our human experience.
At this level, we have to change our blueprint, our very wiring, brain structure, biology, and energy integrating ourselves for higher Wellbeing. This enables us to fully own our Self and our Mission… We need to make repairs to our vehicle and service it along the way.
We struggle and create mediocre Lives because we fail to properly tend to our conscious, subconscious and unconscious minds… These comprise our operating system that we neglect to update and optimize… Trying and efforting to create the life and relationship we desire with an antiquated, short-circuiting, and malfunctioning system is a doomed quest right off the bat.
Our approach to our Life is inconsistent, haphazard, uninformed, unskilled, unsupported, unguided, and with limited resources. This is us inebriated at the wheel of malfunctioning vehicle without a GPS and trying to reach our destination with our feet both on the break and gas pedals… How in the world can we possibly lead Authentic Lives in this state and with this approach?
To top it off, our energetic vibrational frequency is low when we are “discombobulated”. We give mixed messages to the Universe (give me, don’t give me) as what we say we desire is energetically incongruent with our energy and approach. This contributes to the experienced stuckness and lack of forward movement… We compound the situation by attracting other low-vibe-frequency experiences adding to the drama and chaos in our life.
Our desires, abundance, love, service, philanthropy and the like, have high vibrational frequencies. It is our human responsibility to get to and maintain ourselves operating in high vibrational frequencies to be in alignment with our Desires and therefore able to accomplish our Mission…
Our Relationship is a tool, a vehicle, a mechanism, and a gift to assist us with all of the above… Anyway you look at it, our relationship serves a purpose… Put your relationship in its rightful place and get cranking on creating your Awesome Relationship, and Authentic Life!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Minding!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Assess your current level of attention and investment you are putting into optimizing the functioning of your three minds (Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious) to enable your Self to create your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life.
Select one to shower with more attention, and take an action today to start investing in it. Starting points for each:
Conscious Mind – Have a visualization session where you see your future and how you desire it to be. Break down your vision into measurable goals. Set milestones and tasks to achieve your goals. Schedule your tasks. Enlist support to build skills, expand your tool kit and create systems to accomplish your tasks.
Subconscious Mind – Have a getting-in-tune session where you identify your limiting beliefs and messages, narrow scripts, ego driven attitudes, and fears. Expand and challenge your narrow range, repertoire, and distortions. Enlist support to upgrade your Mindset…
Unconscious Mind – Have a healing and growing-up session where you connect to your affect program and fragmented, fragile Self. Learn to easily bring this to consciousness, effectively address your feelings and meet your needs. Enlist support to mindfully, gracefully and appropriately approach integrating your Self…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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