Is lack of trust undermining your connection with your partner and wrecking havoc in your relationship? Lack of trust might extend to beliefs that your partner is cheating. Or it can be as simple as not trusting your partner to be there, follow through, keep their word, be accountable, get your back, do the right thing by you, be mindful, thoughtful, and honorable.
The level of distrust has to do with our own insecurities, but also the level of our partner showing up authentically. When we both address our side of the coin this becomes a non-issue!
As usual, we start with what we contribute to the cocreation of the relationship. What we are doing, or not doing, to create the interactions that leave us dissatisfied. Are we controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in our approach to the situation, or in general in our relating, that doesn’t allow our partner to show up? Ouch!
Think about this. When we operate from this place, we are insufferable and suffocating! No wonder our partner gets shifty… Of course this is not to excuse them, but to understand and start making adjustments to get what we desire.
I see this ALL the time. When we try to get our needs met, share our preferences and make requests with this attitude and approach, we are cornering our partner. This leaves them to “yes” us, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises they can’t keep, avoid us, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.).
This does not mean we are responsible for our partner’s choices… This just sheds some light into the cocreation of our patterns…
The way to change this is very simple. I’ve seen incredible immediate changes made by partners as soon as they adjusted their approach. Not only do we need to address what we contribute to this pattern, but we also need to address what our partner contributes… And, we do this not by beating on them but by setting proper boundaries. Voila!
Therefore, the key to changing this pattern is to own our self and not own our partner, and to get what we desire from our partner through appropriate boundary setting. Remember the Ownership Guidelines™: We cannot tell another how to be, think, feel, or behave and all derivatives of this.
We can only clarify, challenge, and own our own beliefs, expectations, preferences, wishes, feelings, actions, and such. Then we can use them to inform a clean approach (non of the dirty behaviors mentioned above) in the interactions with our partner.
The initial focus needs to be on cleaning up our act. Then we can address the boundary setting. It is challenging to set proper boundaries when we are not clean… In a nutshell, boundary setting has to do with making appropriate and mindful requests to get our needs met… For example, “I would prefer that when we address a concern or have a disagreement that we don’t raise our voices. It really jars me, triggers me, making me more reactive.
I would like it if we could be mindful not to escalate. So, going forward, when things start getting too intense for me in a disagreement, I will ask to pause our discussion to get a breather. How do you prefer that I ask for that so I don’t upset you, trigger you, in turn? And, how long of a breather do you think we’d usually need? I think I’d need XX, how about you?”
After, that is agreed upon, “If I find that I’m feeling in need of a breather, I will alert youso we can regroup and stay engaged. But if after a few minutes we continue on a path too intense for me, I will ask for a breather. If my request for a breather is not honored, please know that then I will disengage from the interaction as lovingly as I can, and will come back after the XX time we agreed on.”
This approach of stating a request or preference, the purpose or reasoning, the behavior or approach modification desired, and mindful agreement can be used to set boundaries in a multitude of circumstances.
So, building trust is an inside job… Once we Clean Our Side of the Coin™, make appropriate requests, and set proper boundaries to meet our needs we are setting up our partner for cooperation. This creates a mutually respectful space where trust is a given. Give it a shot, start by owning your Self.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Trusting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Which do you do in your relationship? Are you controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in your approach to the situation, or in general in your relating, that doesn’t allow your partner to show up?
Do you “yes” your partner, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises you can’t keep, avoid your partner, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.)?
Identify which dirty behaviors you use. If not sure, take a couple of days to catch yourself in doing them or thinking them! Then, work on eradicating them from your repertoire… The faster and cleaner the job the greater the impact on your relationship and more immediate the results you’ll notice. Have fun, it’s completely empowering… Enjoy! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m familiar with relationship struggles. I’ve had my share, obviously I’m not exempt, and this is what I work with day-in and day-out. I’m pretty intimate with the nuances of what troubles partners and what gets them stuck. For reasons that are beyond the scope of this article, I love working with couples. Couples are my passion. I’m intrigued by them and care about their wellbeing.
Through witnessing so much pain and suffering, despair and hopelessness, and partners throwing their hands up in the air surrendering to what appears an insurmountable challenge, I was able to formulate a process to assist them get past this and thrive.
Time and again couples present with patterns and approach to their partner and relationship that undermine their satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing and ability to create and enjoy their awesome relationship.
The process is just amazing. Couples have created their new relationship in just a few sessions! But not all couples are the same, and I find that it’s not the number of sessions that count but the ability of the partners to embrace the process and their growth and healing journey…
The process constitutes 10 Strategies I have identified as fundamental to creating an awesome relationship. Most couples that struggle usually need assistance with the first 5 Strategies. They are the building blocks to creating awesomeness.
As we are coming off the Valentine’s Day hype and the pressure for enhanced romance, steamy passion and having a dreamy relationship, I want to reassure you that you are not alone if you are feeling a bit blue and stuck in your relationship… I’m giving you a huge virtual hug if you are in need of some loving, and a gift of the First Five Fundamental Strategies™ to help you start cranking change in your relationship!
Warning: Do not try these if you prefer to stay stuck… – Set Up Proper Boundaries and a Healthy Relationship Structure – Fully show up, own yourself and become accountable. Set proper boundaries, expectations, roles, and rules. Clean your interactions and approach to each other – respect, courtesy and mindfulness go a long way.
– Transform Relationship Patterns to Heal, Repair and Build Trust – Understand what’s driving the hot buttons in your relationship. Understand how yours and your partner’s buttons are a perfect match for keeping you stuck… Invest in not triggering your partner and in appropriately getting your needs met.
– Set Up a Strong Communication and Conflict Management System – Create and honor a Fighting Fair Code™. Set up safe conversation times to address issues, concerns or intense topics. Set each other up for cooperation. Set up transparency and accountability mechanisms.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Mindset Keeping You Stuck – Gentle your inner critic, clean your yucky thinking and take control of your mind! Move from an ego-led (fear-based) to a heart-led (love-based) approach to your relationship. Address assumptions, recurring themes and limiting scripts.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Feelings Keeping You Stuck – Feel and manage your feelings (anxiety and depression are only symptoms…). Self-regulate and self-soothe. Establish a sustainable self-care routine.
The approach to implementing the Strategies is not black and white. You can juggle a couple at the same time as the investments will tend to overlap. You can be fluid and flexible as long as you keep your eye on the ball! I would recommend picking one or two to focus on and give it your all.
The more you put in, the more you get out. Remember that insight and knowledge is not enough. You have to take action on these. Go crank and create change!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Cranking! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Decide what area of your relationship needs attention: – Establishing Boundaries, Ownership and Accountability – Changing Patterns and Getting Needs Met – Improving Communication and Conflict Resolution – Upleveling Your Relationship Mindset and Changing Debilitating Scripts – Increasing Self-Management, Regulating and Soothing (to reduce reactivity…) Pick three actions you will do this week to address your area of need… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s amazing how many partners know their partner loves them, but they still don’t feel loved… This is actually kind of an epidemic… Couples struggle because they get stuck in power struggles. They let their Ego get in the way. They approach their situation from a reactive and self-preservation place that only puts their partner in the defensive or offensive. Not allowing them to be open, responsive, or caring and able to meet their needs as desired.
This plays out on a repeating loop for partners. Where both partners are trying to be seen, heard, understood, accepted and taken cared-of but where neither is at the end of their interactions. Neither partner ends up feeling heard, understood, accepted and never mind loved.
This is the result of poor exchanges that are laden with unresolved past hurts and unclean belief systems and thought processes… The repeating loop becomes pervasive. Creating a general feeling of dissatisfaction for the partners even though they have everything it takes to have an awesome relationship!
I want you to get in touch with your Knowing that your partner Loves you. Go ahead, take a few deep breaths and get in touch with that. It shouldn’t be too difficult, like I mentioned this is usually a given for most. After, you have that easily accessible, I want you to think about a typical scenario where you end up not feeling loved… Take a moment to conjure this up.
Now, this is the tricky part… I want you to become the observer of that moment… Remove your self as the protagonist and just observe the interaction… I want you to use your Heart lens as you process what you see… Leave your Ego, logic, protection, expectations, judgment, and any scripts out of it…
Just take a look at the moment as if you were a third party looking in… Heck, let’s do a little experiment… Look at the exchange as if you were Me, Emma, looking at it (how tricky is that?!)… Sit with that…
What do you think I would see? How would I see each of you? How would I interpret, assess, translate what is happening in the moment? Would I say you are each right about? What would I point out you are each actually trying to do in your interaction…? Take a deep breath… Sit with that…
[If you are not sure about my take because you are not too familiar with my work yet, then use a best friend in my place above. Select a friend that is able to be neutral, nonjudgmental and wise…]
Now, look at it again and see if you can see that for yourself… Please put your Ego in check, and keep looking at this with your Heart. Do you see what your partner is doing, their intention? Sometimes their intention is not as honorable as I’m leading with here… Sometimes their intention is only to protect themselves… But, see if you can see that… And, stop looking at it as if your partner is trying to extinguish you…
Remember, the 80/20 rule – 80% of the interaction is about us and only 20% about our partner, and vise versa… This means, that when your partner is being their most jerky self – it’s because they are in pain or in self preservation mode… It’s not about you!
Once, you are in touch with all this, if you had a hard time keep trying ‘till you get this…, then look at the exchange again and see what you could have done differently… What would have given you different results? What would have kept your partner engaged and responsive?
How could you have gone about this differently? What would have gotten your needs met? This is your Stretch. This is your growth place. This applies to all your situations… This is how you crack your code… This is how you get to Feel the Love…
It’s time to take a risk. It’s time to be all in. It’s time to crack the code. I know you can do it. I’m with you in Spirit. Go for it. Give it a try! Feel the Love!!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Loving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Take your calendar out. Pick two hours you can devote to your partner… Use that time to plan a magnificent date with your partner… Use this time to brainstorm, do research, check out things, place orders, make reservations, choose an outfit, whatever it takes.
Go all out to show your partner you think about them, cherish them and want to show them a great time. This is your chance to use your Relationship Enrichment Skills and Resources! Be Passionate, Be Romantic, Be Loving! Have a fabulous date!! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It never ceases to amaze me that what we believe and think we create… I recently had the pleasure of connecting with a fabulous person who shared, “I started having the Good Things falling out of the sky…” What a lovely, powerful and faithful statement! I want this for you. I want you to have a life of ease and beauty. I want your Journey to be out of this world…
All it takes is to have positive believes, to align our values, and to clean our thinking and expectations for what we expect we get… This prescription is easer written than sold. There are many who are resistant to this concept and appear to choose a life of hardship instead. I’m witness to this in my work with couples everyday.
Partners expect their partner to be selfish, unsupportive, unfaithful, greedy, self-absorbed, needy, demanding, critical, uninvolved and many other unloving ways. Isn’t this crazy?! Of course this is not what they say they want in their relationship and from their partner, but they operate and have an ingrained belief system that this is how relationships and partners work. And, so it is for them.
This is tied-in with our feelings of Self worth and value. At a deeper level, we don’t believe we deserve better, to be treated well, to be cherished. If we don’t value ourselves how can we deserve. This is painful and devastating. Our Ego jumps in to protect us from this pain. The result is more shields, defenses and walls that further hide us from our selves, our loved ones and the world. The result is that we lose our Self.
Unknowingly we perpetuate this self-sabotage, defeating, and annihilating approach. We end up being unfaithful, dishonoring our purpose, and cheating those we are meant to be a hero to out of their Hero! This is completely unacceptable. We get an F in the course of life. We fail our mission to earth…
We have been blessed with the Gift of our Partner. We are contracted to assist each other on our Journey. Through our relationship we get to learn (remember) our Self worth and value, to own our Self, to embrace our magnificence, to stretch and become whole (again), to bring our best Self forward – to Be our Self.
This is the goal of our relationship. This is the reason for our Partnership. I know that when I settle in my Journey, lose faith, and sit by the side of the road for a moment that my relationship suffers.
My husband and I have not contracted for a “mediocre”, purposeless, life. When I break our contract we suffer… This has only become obvious to me in the recent past. I know now that I have to stay in the game for the highest good of all concerned… I can’t forfeit. Not embracing my magnificence is not an option.
Unfortunately, sometimes I’m not as much of a quick-learn as I’d like to believe. I’m still learning that when I’m tired I need to do more Self Care, have more Fun, and Recharge, and that being tired does not mean being on the wrong path… I’m learning to read my relationship queues better and really capitalize on this Gift and Blessing. I’m learning how to better Leverage this Partnership.
This is my Guide, my Compass. My husband is my Angel. He is my Gift. He provides the lessons I have to learn… The more I accept and embrace the lessons with courage and determination the more fulfilling, joyful, peaceful, empowering, loving, rewarding and down right awesome my Relationship and Journey become…
My relationship is my classroom and school is in session. I show up everyday ready to learn and pass with flying colors. This is how I create awesomeness. I highly recommend this approach to your relationship to remember your worth, get what you deserve, Be your best Self and have an awesome relationship and life! Receive the Great Stuff falling out of the sky…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Receiving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make a Sitting Date™ with yourself. Get comfy. Get grounded. Open up to see clearly and be open to receive… Take stock of your relationship and interactions. Do a review of what you love and enjoy, of what recharges and uplifts you. Rejoice. Do a review of where tension happens, of what can use sprucing up, and any impasses. Step back and observe these.
What’s their common denominator? What’s the theme? What’s the repeating Script? What is the lesson you have to learn, the code you have to crack, the stretch to Be your whole Self? Sit with this. Think of your next move, make it specific and concrete, to practice and demonstrate new competence in your area of growth… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The only Time that exists is Now which encompasses our past and future as we understand them. I’ll spare you the physics lesson, but suffice it to say that at any moment in time we create our own reality and have access to all the information we need… I’ve created a powerful tool, Imagine Visiting with our Future Super Successful (FSS) Self who shows us the ropes to create what we desire in all areas of our life.
Mine is my cheerleader, counsel, guide, and coach. I figured Imagine Visiting with my FSS Self is a fun way to access information I already know, but don’t know I know… (If these concepts are foreign to you and you are having a reaction, just focus on the Imagining, visualizing, part of this… Either way it works marvelously…)
My FSS Self has it all figured out. She has cracked all the codes, is fully living her Authentic Life every moment, and is making a huge impact in the world through the lives of others… She knows what she is doing! Whenever I think small, get impatient, have doubts, or get in my own way in any way, she is there to nudge me in the right direction.
She knows what I’m capable of doing and how important my gifts are to the world. She knows what is best for me and for the world. So, I know what is best for me, and how to serve those I’m privileged to share this Journey with…
What do you know about your Authentic Self? What do you know about your FSS Self? What do you Know? See, I believe that we can all have our most magnificent lives, heal ourselves, have awesomest relationships and make a huge difference in the world. I think most of us choose to live mediocre lives… I invite you to say No to a mediocre life. To say, no more!
I invite you to take charge of your Life. I invite you to be the CEO of your Life. I invite you to own this new Identity, to have everything you do flow from this new place. I invite you to Live your life like you mean it. I invite you to accept your FSS Self’s guidance…
I invite you to embrace your FSS CEO Self as your new Identity. Can you see your new life? Can you taste it? Can you smell it? Can you hear it? Can you FEEL it? Sit with this concept for a moment. Your best possible and already super successful Self being in charge… Already living your magnificent Life, every moment!
What is different? What do you do differently? What parts of you are you accessing? What do you put in place to support you? How do you leverage your Self? How do you engage your best parts consistently? How do you invite your partner on this Trip? How do you stay the course?
How do you continually give your Self what it needs to show up in its most brilliant form? What priorities, boundaries, systems and structures do you need to put in place to elevate yourself? What else do you need to implement to assist you on your Journey? How else do you need to Be to Rock this Journey?
Since, I started Visiting with my FSS CEO Self, and embracing this as my new Identity, all my decisions are easier to make. My approach to everything is different… It’s surreal… Give it a try, pick an item you have to decide on and approach it from both Identities, your current and your embraced FSS CEO Self. See what you experience…
Now put your new FSS CEO Self Identity in charge of your relationship… Interact with your partner as if you already have your awesome relationship, the relationship of your dreams, the relationship you’ve desired. For why continue to waste time and be in pain, when you know the outcome… Start Living the outcome…
Make your future your Present… You can create your desired reality… Live your Awesome Relationship Now!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
At the beginning of each day, Visit with your FSS CEO Self and consult on what is to be your approach to the day, or to a specific issue. Embrace the FSS CEO Self Identity and operate from that place. Do this for a week, and then check-in on how you are feeling and what you’ve been able to accomplish, or change… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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