Many couples operate under the assumption that being in a relationship means to be bossed around, told what to do, and to loose their personal freedom and choices. I have heard references to young couples getting engaged as “he bit the bullet” and other similar degrading remarks.
I’m sure you have heard before couples complain about how their partner wants to change and control them and references to partners being “trained,” “whipped,” “on a short leash,” etc. All these really set up the stage to struggle in one’s relationship.
After the “infatuation” stage, the honeymoon period, is over and the “power struggle” sets in (the second stage of relationships), we get stuck in our perspectives and have repeating arguments and conflicts. We try to resolve and address this by wanting and trying to change our partner.
When we address our relationship thinking that we have to change our partner so that we get along better, so we’d like our partner better and to get our needs met we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction.
Partners CANNOT be changed. Yes, you read that right. They cannot be changed. Please, read that again: They cannot be changed. I can’t emphasize this enough. I come across this concept probably more so that the average person in my I work with couples and creating changes.
It is very frustrating to watch couples beat each other up with hurtful words and actions because each partner is entrenched in their views and stance and they want to change their partner.
Why would you want to change your partner anyway? If they changed they would no longer be the person you fell in love with… Personality and people’s core are very difficult, if not impossible to change. What we really want to change is the partners’ behaviors and their reactions toward each other. These are changeable.
But, the catch here is that the partners cannot change each other. Whenever you see couples with partners who supposedly changed their partner what you are actually seeing is dynamics with baggage at work. The partners are actually not really satisfied in their relationship. Take a closer look.
If the couple looks very different from how they were and appear to be getting along nicely – then the partners have both mutually worked at changing themselves within the relationship. They have compromised and resolved issues. One did not change the other…
So, the point is you cannot change your partner and your partner can’t change who they are, but both your behaviors and reactions can be changed. AND, each partner is responsible for owning up to their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and the changes made in them. Stop trying to change your partner – it doesn’t work. Only they can change their behaviors and reactions.
Another very common and frustrating mistake partners make, is that once partners understand this concept they now wait for their partner to change their behavior. And they wait. And they wait. And the will continue to wait forever…
Change in relationships happen when one partner owns up to their stuff and create their OWN changes. If both partners are doing this, then change in the relationship is imminent. If both partners are not working together as allies yet, the trick is to take ownership and change oneself, take the initiative – the other will have no choice but to change in response.
This is the only way that you can actually change your partner – inviting them to change… Remember – It Takes Two To Tango!
Happy Dancing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Pay attention to your partner’s actions and make note of the responses, reactions and behaviors that bother you and that you find hurtful. See if you can find a common denominator for them.
For example, your partner is always late, they make plans with others without consulting or including you, they eat their own meals without regards for your nutrition, etc. The common denominator could be said to be: appearing not to be a priority or important to your partner.
What are you doing to receive this kind of treatment? Are you too busy yourself and not available in the way your partner would like? Are you too clingy, critical or bossy that they need to create space? Whatever you find, and the hint will be in your partner’s complaints…, you need to change.
What happens next is that as you change the behavior that invites the treatment you don’t like, then the treatment needs to change as well and therefore your partner’s behavior will have changed. It works try it!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Sometimes we feel stuck and hopeless. We look at our life and relationship and wonder, What happened? This is not what I set out to create. Somewhere along the way you lost your path, you lost your self. And now, you have no idea where you want to go and how to get yourself there.
You might even blame your partner for the lack of progress in your life and relationship. You can’t get your partner to do what you want. Stop trying. It won’t work – you can’t tell others what to do; they are not responsible for your happiness.
If your life and relationship are not what you had dreamed they would be, you have nobody but yourself to blame. Your contribution determines the outcome. You invite what you get. You cocreate your reality. This is a hard pill to swallow, but take a real look at your situation.
Own how you have contributed to the dissatisfying parts of your life. Take a good look at how you are holding your self back from where you want to be and from having the relationship you want to have.
It is very easy to make excuses for our shortcomings and to blame our circumstances and others for the dissatisfaction we experience. In fact it is so easy, that this is our default MO. We might wonder how could it be our fault that the relationship is not working, after all we do it all. It has to be our partner’s fault. They don’t put in half as much. It can’t be our fault that our life is not working. We had bad parenting. Nothing is our fault.
We wait for our partner to make changes so that our relationship can be better, we wait for the economy to bounce back to make money again, we wait for tomorrow to start our diet or go back to gym, we wait for Hell to freeze over to have a life. Why are we disowning our self? Why are we giving our power away?
It is time to reclaim your self. It is time to show up in your relationship and your life. It is time to stop giving your power away and start using it to create the relationship and life you want. Yes, this is easier said than done, but not impossible. Get to it!
You can do this by: 1) Not reacting to your surroundings and the people in your life. Take a step back and gain perspective.
2) Monitor your feelings and moderate them to your situation – exaggerated or minimized feelings are reactive, not responsive, promoting more dissatisfaction.
3) Stop worrying about what your partner is doing or not doing, and focus on your investment instead.
4) Stop trying to please, doing always what is expected of you, caretaking for everyone, imposing unrealistic expectations on yourself and others, trying to be perfect, and worrying about others’ impressions of you.
5) Clearly express realistic expectations of others and allow them to meet them.
6) Appropriately communicate your needs and go about having them met.
7) Flexibly hold on to your views and convictions and carry yourself accordingly.
8) Don’t tell others how to feel, what to think or what to do – doing so takes their power away disabling them from bringing their authentic and beautiful self to you!
9) Let go of outcomes. Live and enjoy the moment.
10) Give from the heart – no strings attached.
Stop de-selfing your self, stop the co-dependency today. Own your self and start moving forward in your relationship and your life!
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Choose a behavior you have been expecting from your partner that they haven’t granted, and identify the need behind it. Have a discussion with your partner about the need and brainstorm on how to best meet that need.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A crippling state in relationships is when partners can’t seem to get each other and get on the same page. Partners struggle with being themselves, seen, accepted, recognized and embraced. I find when couples struggle is because the partners are having a difficult time honoring themselves and each other…
The partners get busy trying to be seen, acknowledged, get their needs met and have their way that they lose sight of the other and shoot themselves in the foot with their approach. They encroach on their partner bringing about the opposite of what they are actually seeking.
Partners bring baggage (wounds, triggers, buttons) and blind spots to their relationship that makes them vulnerable to recreating disappointing patterns. They bring histories laden with poor role modeling and emotional injuries, lack of relational and self management skills, meager relationship and life mindsets, invalidating habits and routines, and a haphazard approach to their relationship.
— It behooves partners to identify what emotional injuries they are carrying around that keeps attracting situations as opportunities to repair and heal… Why be tortured and get smacked upside the head by leaving this to chance? Assertively seek out what is your internal driver and set up a plan to address and heal this. It is time to eradicate this black hole that sucks the life out of your relationship.
— It behooves partners to learn how to effectively participate in their relationship for maximum impact and results. This needs to be a life long investment to always enhance, improve and sharpen their skills – communication, conflict resolution, decision making, breaking patterns, meeting needs, self soothing, containing, risk taking, nurturing, connection, intimacy, dreaming, goal setting and achieving, etc.
— It behooves partners to be intentional about what they allow to rent space in their heads. It is imperative to be mindful about thought processes, thinking habits and scripts, and negative and distorted thinking patterns they allow to ensnare them. Relationships are not logical puzzles to be solved!
— It behooves partners to proactively set up their support, environment, routines, rituals and self care to facilitate a smooth and pleasurable journey.
— It behooves partners to prioritize their partner, mindfully and intentionally give to their partner, stretch to meet their partner’s needs (in the stretch we grow… so we both benefit…), and set up mechanisms to make this effortless.
Partners have strengths they bring to the relationship that complement each other. It is important to capitalize on these as they are part of their attraction and their contribution to the relationship. A lot of times we focus on what we lack, what we need to do better, holes to fill, the stretches we need to make that we end up muting what we actually have to contribute…
For the Pursuer – How do you contain, chill out, let go, trust, continue to be nurturing without becoming a doormat or a martyr? Do embrace your expressiveness, connecting and nurturing know-how.
For the Distancer – How do you take a risk, be vulnerable, express feelings, and partake without losing your voice? Do embrace your practical, logical, and down-to-earth savvy.
When couples struggle they go to extremes using their assets making them a hindrance instead; or they pause or hide them in order to feel more compatible but end up cheating the relationship and their partner of their strengths and attraction…
Find the balance between overpowering and cheating your relationship of your strengths… Go forth honoring your Selves and properly investing in your relationship. Then awesomeness is in-stored for you!
Happy Balancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Identify a gift or character strength that you have been underutilizing in your relationship.
Gently (re)introduce it into your relating. Invite your partner to do the same.
Be aware of your own and your partner’s resistance in favor of maintaining the status quo…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Couples run into trouble when the partners have different definitions of how things should be in their relationship. They operate under different assumptions, expectations, wishes and needs. One of the reasons for this is their Boundaries.
Individuals have two kinds of Boundaries that play into how partners relate to each other. These are internal and external boundaries. Internal boundaries have to do with the amount of disclosure and with owning own thoughts, feelings, views and attitudes. External boundaries have to do with personal space and time, communication/speech patterns, and physical relating.
Boundaries give people and couples definition. They are our encasings. The two main types of boundaries are too rigid or too loose. These boundaries create the partners’ MO, modus operandi. How they approach each other and life is directly influenced by their boundaries.
Individuals whose boundaries are too thick tend to be walled off and therefore have difficulties with intimacy. These individuals are the distancers, avoiders, and isolators in relationships. They want their space, they prefer solo activities, they are usually quite or have explosive tempers, tend to withdraw, and appear secretive or reticent.
These partners have a hard time identifying their needs, feelings, and wishes. They are so walled off that even they have a hard time getting in touch with themselves.
Individuals whose boundaries are too loose tend to be the relationship concerned partner and people pleaser. They tend to be all over the place. They multi-task, speak for others, have all the answers, are martyrs, are care takers, get things done, prefer group/couple/family activities, prefer to be in company, and want to share and talk about everything.
These individuals are the pursuers, clingers, and fusers in relationships. These partners might know what they want but have a hard time getting their needs met because they get lost in the shuffle, everybody else comes first.
Both these types of partners have a hard time having solid selves. They are either not in touch with themselves, or they are not contained and therefore are spilt all over and they are not there either. These partners have difficulties owning themselves, getting their needs met and functioning at their highest potential individually and as a couple.
Partners with poor boundaries don’t know where one ends and the other starts: they project their feelings and views, mind read, speak for each other, make assumptions about their partner’s wishes and needs, hear criticism and judgment in feedback or stances, have a hard time validating and empathizing, operate in crisis or reactive mode, etc. These partners are not having a satisfying relationship!!
There are a few terms in the clinical literature for this. Two off the top of my head that are very similar in their gist are: being undifferentiated or codependent.
When partners are not differentiated or are codependent, they are not being themselves in the relationship and the relationship is not working at its best (their LIFE is not all that it could be). At first glance, the descriptions mentioned above of how these partners operate might appear to be who the partners are, but this is not the case.
The descriptions mentioned above are symptoms of poor boundaries, are coping mechanisms, which surfaced as a result of childhood dysfunction, wounds, hurts or unmet needs.
To heal or resolve this there is no need to go dwell in the past or confront childhood caretakers, but rather to get needs met in the present. The main way to do this is to clearly express your needs, wishes, wants, and expectations by owning them and not blaming, criticizing, playing martyr or other games and not at the expense of others.
The simple antidote is to respond to situations and contexts by processing feelings and thoughts, assessing the need and getting it simply met. In other words, kindly standing up for yourself consistently and efficiently.
Standing on your own two feet allows YOU to be a part of your relationship and a participant in YOUR life!!
Happy Standing Up!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Pick an area in your life that you believe your partner is holding you back on: i.e., dieting, going to the gym, getting up early during the weekend, having fun, addressing addictions, or going back to school.
Have a thinking session and process your feelings (resentment, jealousy, fear, anger) and your thinking (blaming, generalizing, criticizing, compensating), and identify what your need is brainstorming different ways to meet it. Invite your partner into a discussion about this and present your options for having your need met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Growing and developing as a couple is no easy feat. It requires intention, consciousness, commitment, dedication, and effort. Being in tune with signs that change is needed is a good way of promoting growth for the couple.
Signs that indicate room for growth and development include one or both partners feeling restless, edgy and impatient with their partner, bickering and fighting, boredom and staleness, impasses, indecision, intolerance and judgment, criticism and spitefulness, unresolved conflict, and lack of intimacy and connection.
When partners experience one or more of these signs, a red flag should go up indicating it is time for them to tune-in to their relating and make some changes. This is an opportunity for growing as a couple.
Here is when the partners need to step away from the tree (content, details, symptoms, signs, tit-for-tat perspectives, blaming, waiting for the other to change) so they can see the forest (context, wounds, patterns, potential, healing, taking responsibility for one’s behavior). Partners could spend a lifetime examining the bark on the tree in front of them and never get to experience the exquisiteness of the whole forest.
It is difficult to stop staring at the bark and take a step back to see the forest. The bark is enchanting and alluring. It takes a lot of willpower and determination to pull away from its spell. The partners need to draw from their own strength and resources and rip themselves away so they can finally get a glimpse of their forest. And, oh, what nirvana!
The trick is staying away from that bark! This is accomplished by targeting our strength and resources to changing our worldview, our meaning system. We need to change our perspective on how we interpret our situation and interactions to include taking responsibility for ourselves as opposed to feeling victimized.
From this new perspective it is easier to give our partner different reactions and outcomes to the usual disagreements and impasses. This in turn invites them to treat us differently and therefore meet our needs. When both partners are doing this, they are on their way to being delighted in their forest.
Liberate yourself from old views and allow yourself the gift of exploring the forest and enjoying its wondrous surprises!
Happy Liberating!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Practice changing the way you look at things. A tip to make this work is to own your thoughts, feelings, and actions and not take on those of others. Learning to let go of making assumptions, mind reading and attributing factors to others helps this along.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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