One version of couples struggling that I come across are couples with partners that are codependent. These are the couples that are stuck in patterns that they can’t seem to break, they have a lot of fighting and drama or complete disconnect (conflict avoiding).
They feel they are behind their peers in terms of professional and relational achievements, and can’t seem to synchronize on handling the business of creating a joint life and getting their needs met.
In these couples the partners show up in two ways:
One is the pursuer (borderline tendencies…) – the one that needs connection and acknowledgement to feel OK.
The other is the distancer (narcissistic tendencies…) – the one that needs more space to be themselves to feel OK.
Note, that nothing in life is so clear cut – there is range on both sides on how this manifests. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
These partners create a loop of pursuing and distancing that creates more stuck patterns and dissatisfaction. They constantly hurt each other, usually not intentionally. Their main focus is to make sure they are OK. Their ego is on overdrive to make sure they are not smothered or swallowed up (for the distancer) and not abandoned or rejected (for the pursuer).
The ego’s approach at making sure we are OK, is to do more of the same and more intensely – nobody ever said the ego is smart… Therefore, if you are a pursuer – to feel OK you pursue even more. If you are a distancer, to feel OK to distance even more… If your partner distances, you pursue. If your partner pursues, you distance. You see how we can get stuck?
One of the pursuer’s main fear is not to be seen, feeling like they don’t exist or count. For the distancer, one main fear is of not being good enough, or feeling small or not measuring up.
The way the partners go about addressing their related needs trigger the other’s fears which engage their ego further (the fear-based approach to relating and life). When the pursuer wants connection and acknowledgement and they don’t get it, they micromanage and criticize to get what they want – which makes the distancer feel not good enough and small like they don’t have a voice or can’t be themselves.
When the distancer wants space and have a voice and they don’t get it, they shut down and withdraw and go do their own thing – which makes the pursuer feel abandoned, not wanted and not existent.
And, this creates a mess! Here are two quick tips to start breaking the codependency:
1 – Own yourself and not your partner! If I got a dollar for every time I say or write that… Mind your beliefs, thinking, feelings, communication, and attitude and behavior… and not your partner’s…
2 – Work your “stretch”. If you are a distancer, your stretch is to feel your feelings, own your voice responsively and respectfully, and not shut down or withdraw – safeguard the connection… If you are a pursuer, your stretch is to contain yourself, self soothe, self regulate and self manage, find ways to stay grounded and engaged, and to be patient and stand still…
When couples focus on changing how they are contributing to their stuckness and invest in stretching and changing their own approach to the relationship and their partner, beautiful things start to happen. I wish this for you. I you happiness , abundance and authenticity upon you!
Happy Stretching!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
If you are a distancer – find two areas you need to be more vocal on and mindfully share your perspective on them… (this gives you a voice and importance)
If you are a pursuer – find two self care activities to integrate into your routine… (this helps you self soothe and regulate)
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Trying to change the other’s mind, perspective or view
Persuading, cajoling, nagging
Third degree interrogations
Wanting to know everything that is on the other’s mind
Not respecting privacy or personal “space”
Smothering
Taking over
Insulting, cursing
Yelling
Throwing, hitting or breaking things and/or hitting each other
Involving others
If you identified with the list and find that some or a lot of these are present in your relationship, then – STOP IT! This form of communicating and interacting is hugely detrimental to the relationship and each of your wellbeing. It disrupts your attunement and ruptures your connection.
It disregulates you. It re- injures, traumatizes and wounds you. It makes you feel crazy. It creates a vicious negative cycle of interaction that is hurtful, harmful and dissatisfying. It holds you back from your personal and relational potential. It holds you back from Being You, being alive, living your authentic successful relationship and life.
Research indicates that relationships that are plagued with negative interactions are doomed to fail. Do not let this be your relationship! Instead create the loving, nurturing, supportive, and wonderful relationship you dream of and deserve.
Start by noticing how often you employ this negative form of communication and its outcome. Notice how you feel disconnected, disrupted and discontent… Catch yourself reacting and interacting this way. Gently remind yourself this is not how you want your relating to be and how this does not meet your needs.
Give yourself permission to try something different. Be kind and attuned, respectful. Interact from your authentic self (not your defense mechanisms). Stop reacting and start responding – stop the negative vicious cycle today!
Happy Responding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Share the list above with your partner and invite them to also become aware of how you each employ negative forms of communication and interaction. Make a deal to each mind your own reactions and start becoming more responsive.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation (book referenced above). Words of affirmation come in many forms including praise, acknowledgement, credit, recognition, validation, compliments, and appreciation. Each of these are a gift in and of themselves.
When you use these, you show your partner that you notice and see them, appreciate them, like and accept them, that you are proud of them, that you cherish them, that you understand and get them.
How much easier would our relationship be if we consistently showered our partner with these gifts? Most couples’ disconnect come from not feeling gotten by their partner. They don’t necessarily need to have Words of Affirmation as their primary love language, but please know that all human beings need to feel understood, gotten.
If your partner is not keen on thank yous and compliments, that’s fine, but do use the other types of affirmations to show your partner you get them and like them!
Feeling gotten is a very primal need. In being gotten, we know we exist and that we are OK. We know we are important and that we matter. This is paramount that parents do for their children, showing the children they understand where they are coming from. A lot of the time, we did not receive this as children ourselves because we had less than perfect parenting. Now is the chance to receive these gifts and to bestow them onto our partner.
Note that we are not always ready to receive the good stuff. Be patient with yourselves and each other. It might be initially strange and scary to all of sudden know you exist and matter… and to be in intimate connection…
Be attentive, curious and gentle in your approach. Surprise your partner with your interest and mindfulness. Show them you get them and their world (you don’t have to necessarily agree with it but just accept it). Show them you like and love them, quirks and all!
Happy Affirming!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Invite your partner to a getting to know you better session. Each of you list on a piece of paper the Five Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) and on separate columns rate them in terms of importance to you and what you believe is important to your partner. Compare and discuss your findings. Keep them in mind as tailor how you show love to each other!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Usually we have good intentions and mean to invest in our relationship. Somehow this fizzles from the moment we have that thought or attitude to the next moment… We are very fickle in our thinking about the status and course of our relationship. One moment we are partners for life, the next we can’t wait to get rid of our partner… I see this day in and day out…
I see this play out in two ways in relationships:One is lack of focus, discipline and commitment. I find that partners mean well, they have an attitude and perspective adjustment, agree to invest in their relationship to soon after lose focus, dedication, momentum and commitment to their investment…
The other includes the arrogant and resistant partners who question everything, lack faith, struggle owning themselves, get stuck in victimhood or in logic when the business of being in a relationship is far from logical… If you are like most partners you probably have a combination of these.
The key is to establish mechanisms to keep you from fizzling:Challenging your thinking and perspectives when your Ego kicks in – Get in touch with your Authentic Self, compassion, love… Stay vigilant for any negative, other owning, blaming, and not accountable or honorable thinking. As soon as you spot these, eradicate them.
Using your emotional system – Most couples have one partner that is very emotional and one that is not very in touch with their feelings… The emotional partner is to contain and self-regulate, moderate their feelings. The other is to get in touch with them and share them.
Implementing self-management systems – Create repetition patterns for self-care (i.e., get a massage the last Friday of the month) and to-dos (i.e., do laundry every Sunday morning) and schedule them as necessary.
Implementing relationship enrichment systems – Establish rituals and routines for your contribution and nurturing (i.e., weekly dates, appreciation times, getting current “appointments”, night time flow, etc.).
Getting support – Put in place whatever you need to help you stay focused and properly investing in your relationship and your life! Enlist or hire help for chores, childcare, house maintenance, finances, nutrition, fitness, health, relationship shifting and enriching, and others that fit your situation and desires.
When we are intentional about our approach to our relationship and our life, we can’t not create the relationship and life we desire. The key is to be as intentional as possible about everything… You are the creator of your relationship and your life. Make it count. Set out to create an Awesome Relationship and an Authentic Life!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Creating!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Be very mindful of what thoughts you allow to rent space in your head! Your mindset and expectations create your reality… Be intentional about your thinking and expectations. Identify two things that bother you about your relationship. Examine your thinking around them. Change your Ego perspective and expectations to a Compassionate and Loving perspective RIGHT NOW! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A key ingredient in a satisfying relationship is Understanding. When we don’t feel understood we are out of sinc with one another and our needs can’t be met.
Understanding validates our existence, is respectful and mindful. It is amazing that most people do not have this necessary ingredient in their relationship. One reason for this is that people confuse understanding with agreeing. When we understand someone, our partner, we do not necessarily need to agree with them.
Understanding means you understand where the other person is coming from, what they are saying, how they see things, how they interpret things. It means you put yourself in their shoes. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes does not mean you go there with your mindset. It means you go there and make believe you are them.
This is the best way to understand your partner. When you make believe you are them and look at the situation from their perspective. Look at the situation as if you had their history, their views, their context (gender, religion, ethnicity, etc.), their baggage, their ideals, their dreams – their mindset. When you truly put yourself in their shoes, you can really see how they look at things and how they are affected.
A lot of times, we have a hard time understanding our partner not only because we do not truly put ourselves in their shoes, but because our baggage gets in the way. We relate everything back to us and listen from a wounded stance. Add to this the fact that most people do not know how to really listen, and you end up with unhappy partners and a dissatisfying relationship.
Understanding our partner does not have to become a major production. Here are the basic ideas about understanding our partner:
Put your own agenda, notions, response, complaints and rebuttals on hold.
This is not about you even though it might feel that way specially if your partner sounds accusatory
Listen to your partner’s words without adding meaning to what they are saying; no mind reading and assumptions allowed
Don’t listen to agree or disagree, to problem solve, to look for loop-holes
There is no right or wrong – this is how your partner sees things
Listen to where they are coming from by putting yourself in their shoes, put their mindset in your head and listen from that perspective
Wait until your partner is finished expressing their point to show them you heard them
If they are long-winded you might want to stop them along the way to check-in and make sure you are following – see below
Repeat back to your partner what they said as closely as you can without passing judgment – just show them you heard what they said
Tell them how you understand what they are saying using their mindset information – remember you are just understanding not necessarily agreeing
When you use this technique you will understand your partner and you will show your partner that you understand them. From this loving and respectful place it is a lot easier to see eye-to-eye and get yourselves on the same page.
Being on the same page allows partners to ask for what they need and give what is asked. This helps partners meet each other’s needs and create a satisfying relationship.
Happy Understanding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Invite your partner to share about a dissatisfaction they might have and to try to relate it to you without placing blame on you, if applicable. Listen to them using the technique above even if they fail to not be accusatory.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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