Our relationship has a purpose. There is a reason for our relationship why we chose the partner we did. People, in more recent times, usually say they got married, or are involved in their relationship, because they love their partner, and/or have also other logical reasons why they decided to commit and stay with their partner.
These are not the real reasons for why they are in their relationship! These are either socially correct or superficial reasons, and are ways for them to understand why they are with their partner.
Because partners use this lens, to interpret their relationship and interactions, there will be a time when they will get stuck in their relationship and be dissatisfied.
Individuals supposedly chose their partner for whatever reasons they told themselves: they love their partner and want to be with them, they invested a lot of time in the relationship, the partner has all the qualities they want in a partner, convenience, pregnancy, to have children, security, to get out of parents’ home, they were getting older and needed to settle down, etc.
These reasons will inevitably not hold up to scrutiny to explain the partners’ reality, experiences, and interactions.
To make matters worse, partners continue to use this lens when they are looking to resolve their situation. If the logic is crooked, so will be the output! If you use rotten ingredients when cooking, your meal will not be tasty no matter what you do to it!!
The real purpose of our relationship is to meet our unconscious needs (heal childhood wounds and become complete). Inherently, the relationship is of an intimate nature, even if we don’t feel close, and our partner has the make up necessary to meet our needs. This is why we are unconsciously attracted to them in the first place! The trick is to figure out how to tap into this resource!!
To discover childhood wounds, partners need to ask themselves what is their major gripe about their parents/caretakers growing up. This can be translated into wounds by discovering how the parents’ hurtful behavior made them feel.
This is then related to the present relationship and to how partners’ behaviors are making each other feel as they did growing up. Partners continue to re-wound each other when they are not aware of this connection. They can use this new awareness to start giving each other what they didn’t get growing up, thus, healing.
To achieve completeness, partners just need to look at their partner’s opposite characteristics, personality traits, and work on owning them for themselves.
This process, even though it is hard, is uplifting and renewing. When couples take off their blinders and see their relationship in these terms, things finally make sense. They understand their interactions and their hurts. They understand where their partner is coming from and realize they are not out to get them or not be there for them. Partners now become allies and are no longer enemies. This realization changes their lens from black to pink!
Partners now see the unconscious bond that has been holding them together. When they get it and work it they feel a sense of relief and are finally at peace and hopeful. They are ready to get unstuck and get their needs met. Now they have the ability to feel a true bond and inner connection!
Happy Bonding!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™AssignmentHave a heart-to-heart with your partner about your childhood histories and how you felt growing up. Share how you are re-wounding each other: which behaviors from your partner make you feel the same way you did growing up. Ask each other for concrete changes in those behaviors.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
People are obsessed with the difficulties in their relationship, they just keep thinking about it and hurting over it. They put too much negative mental energy into it. I don’t really blame them as I know it is very difficult and painful to be in a relationship that just keeps hurting them, but one gets out what one puts in. Negativity begets negativity.
When you are focused on how bad, painful and dissatisfying your relationship is, you are drenching your relationship with unwarranted negative mental energy and attention. When the relationship gets desperation, negativity, criticism, disgust, and hopelessness, it is strangled. Its lifeline is being cut off. The flame of love, lust, trust, friendship and partnership is close to being smothered.
When we are this stuck in our relationship, we have given the power struggle stage in our relationship a life of its own. We are so entrenched in thinking how awful it is for us that we loose perspective of the relationship and our partner with it. It is time to reclaim that power and use it to create the relationship you want.
Stop chocking the life out of your relationship. When the pressure is off, when the energy we send our troubled relationship is retargeted, miracles happen…
The power struggle is a very lonely, frustrating, enraging and painful stage in our relationships. It takes courage, will power and stamina to wade through the wounds, hurts, negative coping mechanisms, exits, reactions and intimacy ignorance. It is difficult healing ourselves and our partners simultaneously while dealing with everyday life. It is hard work and we have to have faith that in the end it will be better.
This is where it gets really tricky. Having faith in ourselves, our partner and our relationship is a daunting task when we are running on empty and when we hurt so bad, but do rest assured. I can tell you that if you stick it out and do the work, things do get better. I know this because I have seen it in my own relationship and in that of all my clients that have made it through the process.
It is difficult. I do give you that. And trying, and exhausting and painful, but in the long run, it is all well worth it. After all, what have you got to loose? If you end this relationship, it is all a matter of time before your wounds (and that of your new partner’s) resurface in the new relationship creating another dissatisfying relationship and you are back to square one…
So, stick it out and do the ‘real work to heal yourselves’ and move out of the power struggle in your relationship.
Remember, partners are unconsciously attracted to each other and are stuck together because they have the ability to re-wound each other as they were wounded when they were children by their caretakers and now have a chance at getting what they didn’t get then.
This is the reason you keep having the same issue over and over and why it’s so painful. Your coping mechanisms are opposite each other’s recreating hurts for each other. The more painful and stuck, the better the match between the two of you.
This means that you both have the ability to really hurt (re-wound) each other as you were before, but also to heal each other. There is reciprocity in your coping, it creates a cycle that needs to be broken by one putting their needs, and associated mental energy, on hold for a bit and tend to their partner. This breaks the cycle and healing can commence. When you both give each other alternate outcomes to the usual hurting situations, healing takes place.
The big hint here is to refocus your energies. Stop thinking about yourself and how your needs are not met and how hurt and dissatisfied you are and put yourself in your partner’s context for a change. Really look at your relationship from your partner’s perspective.
The trick is not to go into your partner’s shoes with your own head, but to look at things from their perspective and mindset. How do they experience the relationship? How do they experience you? Are their needs, as they define them, met? Is their vision of the relationship a reality for them? Are they happy?
When you do this, you realize that you are not alone in this and that your partner is not out to get you, but they are also trying to survive. They are not your enemy! With this new realization in mind, switch your mental energy setting to life saving mode and engage your ally in creating a win-win situation.
First, do a mental update on how you look at your relating. Your partner is not really out to hurt you, but they are protecting themselves. They are communicating their dissatisfaction and pain. Look at all your interactions and relationship situations from this perspective.
Once that mental energy is refocused, you are ready to start creating some changes. What can you give your partner to help ease their pain? When their pain eases, so will yours…
Happy Healing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make an appointment with your partner for them to gift you with tips on how you hurt them. Ask them to prepare and bring a list of things that bother them about you that recreate wounds for them. Review the list together while remaining accepting and trusting.
You might want to create a safety shield around yourself before you start. You will probably find that some things you do because you mean well or are trying to be helpful are probably the worst or most painful ones to your partner. Remember, we have to give love how our partner wants it not how we want to give it…
Just listen to your partner and take it in. Don’t defend or explain. Finish the appointment by asking your partner to help you change by showing you when you do the damaging behavior and how they would like it to change. Pick two behaviors on the list to start with.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you find that hard as you try you seem to be stuck in the same place? That it seems like you’ve tried it all, work hard at it, are pooped and yet nothing is different? Unfortunately, this is the story of most partners, the ones that give a hoot anyway. The rest have resigned themselves to living contentedly in ignorant bliss missing out on the potential inherent in their partnership. Either one of these suck in my book.
I don’t concern myself with the peeps that are content. It’s their choice to live mediocre lives and survive their relationship. To each their own. I do concern myself with the other lot. They are my peeps. They are the partners I live and work for. They are the partners I’m on this earth to assist, guide and inspire. I know those peeps intimately… I know it is a struggle day-in and day-out to Be our Authentic Self and Be in Relationship.
I know what it’s like to grow and heal in relationship. I know what it’s like to make difficult choices, to live outside the box, to explore new frontiers and push the envelop all in the name of owning our Selves and creating an awesome life and relationship.
So, I ask that you hang in there. There is a reason you are in this place. There is something you are supposed to be learning. Some part that still needs healing. Some code that still needs cracking.
Mine has been being vulnerable, trusting, letting go and allowing help… I know I can’t do it alone… I know it takes two Partners to have a relationship… (don’t laugh, or judge). I now Know a lot more… I’m a therapist and relationship expert, but I’m still human… It takes courage to own not being perfect, and to remove the perfection mask… It’s actually pretty liberating…
What is your mask? What is your lesson? What is your code to crack? What is really going on for you? Dig deep and see if you can see it? What is your vulnerability? What is your week spot? What is the trigger, wound? What are you protecting against?
What is the message about your Self, alone and in relationship, that has been renting space in your head? It’s time to stop all this. It’s time to evict the fear monster and victim mentality, mindset. Are you with me??
I understand if you are hesitant and scared. It makes sense to me that it’s difficult to imagine something different that doesn’t include quitting and starting over. Believe me I get it. Leaving in this place makes it difficult to see what is beyond, to see the possibilities. I ask that you have little faith, courage, patience, open-mindedness and willingness to go the extra mile, on foot! Yes, you’d be out of your comfort zone.
Yes, without a doubt you will question if you are on the right path. Yes, there will be moments when you want to throw out the baby with the bath water. But through all this, I ask that you stay in faith and open for it is here that the magic takes place… I know what lies on the other side. And, it is pretty awesome… We can get there together. I can show you the way, if you let me.
Here is how we get started: Take a risk… (hold the sighing, or huffing and puffing!) Push through the fear… This can take many forms: Deciding not to leave the relationship, even if just for now. Deciding to continue to invest wholeheartedly regardless of what you get in return, for now.
Showing your partner you are all in, that you believe in them. Staying strong even when your partner wavers, not jumping on the misery and reactivity wagon. Extending clean invitations for connection. Doing loving and nurturing gestures. Creating and enjoying fun moments.
Pending on the status of your relationship and stage of investment, you will have different reactions to the above. Regardless, take what resonates and take one immediate related action today. When you start pushing the envelop, pushing through fear, taking a risk, interactions and dynamics start realigning, the relationship starts to shift, you feel awesome… For some this experience is slow in coming (because they are still very guarded).
For most initially, it’s up and down until this is their new norm. I ask that you trust the process and Be in it. The more you allow your energy to flow, the more fluid, flexible and open-minded you are (not guarded, defended, and full of Ego), the smoother this is and the quicker you’ll find yourself on the other side…
Take that risk, mindfully push through the door of fear, and you’ll find yourself on the other side… It is that simple to start getting results… Try it today!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Risking!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Choose an item that has been a sore spot between you and your partner. One where you don’t see eye-to-eye, have a difference of opinion, haven’t been able to compromise on, has been taboo to bring up, has you walking on eggshells, or has resulted in fights.
Think about what would happen if you let go of your position, if you get your Ego out of the way… What would happen if you weren’t so invested in your position? For what is our position anyway…? What would happen if you detached from the meaning of letting go of your position…? For this is Ego driven and a protection… What would happen if we took this risk, and just let go…? Think about it… How will you be different…? How will you be free…?
How will you be empowered…? How will you become available…? What would happen if you got and honored your partner’s perspective? What would happen if you genuinely showed this to your partner…? Can you muster the courage and take the risk? Can you deal with being out of your comfort zone? Can you receive the awesomeness that follows…? Put safety and support in place, then go for it! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our mood is impacted by many variables in our lives if we let it. Our hectic lifestyles, poor self care, habits, emotional problems, the weight of our history, etc. can all have a huge impact on how we feel and therefore how available we are in our relationship(s).
But how we feel can also be a choice. We can train ourselves to live with better moods. Our perception is the engine behind our feelings. How we choose to look at our world, how we choose to narrate our story, and receive what it offers dictates how we feel. How we let information in and wear it on our body influences our mood! (for a more detailed explanation: Unlimited Power, by Anthony Robbins)
If you choose to look at a situation from a negative angle, and in your mind’s eyes it is big, loud, blinding, tight, looming, your feelings associated with the situation will include powerlessness, hopelessness, overwhelm, fear, worry. If you look at the same situation and make it small, far away, quiet, malleable, open the feelings generated now will include mastery, control, hope, strength, ease, power.
The same is true for good stuff – if you look at them as big, loud, bright, colorful, expansive, all encompassing you will feel ecstasy, excitement, zest, joy, exuberance; if you look at them as small, distant, dull, quiet you will miss out on the joy and gift of the moment!
Also, depending on how we choose to perceive something, we decide to act on it and let it impact us accordingly. We have ideas of how we should look depending on what we believe the impact is on us: If we think we should be tired because we didn’t get enough sleep, we carry ourselves tire like and feel tired. If we think something is supposed to make us happy, we smile and we feel joy.
If we think we should be overwhelmed because we have a lot to do, we droop our shoulders with the weight of the world, and feel hopeless and powerless. Get my drift? You try it. Choose a perception, see how you carry it on your body and how you feel.
Hence, you can choose how to perceive, let stuff in and the meaning you assign to it, and how you act and carry it on your body and take control of your mood in any instance!
You can, starting right now, have the mood you want at any moment in time. When you choose positive moods consistently over time, you rewire your brain with new neurological pathways where it learns to feel good on its own and it won’t require as much effort or consciousness on your part.
You feel the way you choose to feel. When you choose to assign a negative meaning to a situation or interaction and choose anger, jealousy, resentment, or other negative feelings it is difficult to feel loving, nurturing, open and available to be in connection with your partner. Choose right now to view your relationship, situation, interaction differently and to have a flirtatious, sexy, fun, warm, caring, loving mood and invite your partner into connection!
Happy Perceiving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Catch yourself feeling cranky or other negative feelings; practice changing the meaning you are assigning to the moment and make your body have the look of feelings associated with the new meaning…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What makes us Us? What is the essence of our relationship? Is it the sum of You and Me? Of two separate entities committed to each other, hopefully, that positively, or indifferently, relate to each other? The essence of our relationship is made up of the connection between ourselves and our partner.The energy in the space between us.
This energy is flavored and characterized by the stuff that lies between us. This stuff is influenced and created by our personal histories and our personalities; how we behave, act and respond; what we allow and invite to happen; how we structure our selves, lives, and routines; how we hold ourselves back or grow; how we heal or hurt; what we choose to spill into the space; the color of our lenses; our perspectives, etc.
Relationships that are riddled with difficulties between the partners have their in between space filled with dirty stuff. They do not appropriately handle their stuff which becomes damaging to the energy, the connection, between the partners.
If we are neglectful of our selves, are not responsible for ourselves, live our life unintentionally where we are victims to the whims of others and life, if we are less than loving to our partner – our connection suffers.
If we could see the energy in between this type of partners, it would look like a very thin, brittle, translucent filament. Barely visible or tangible. And, the partners would not be doing well in the relationship, and, most likely, individually.
If this is your relationship, your job is to safe guard your connection from yourselves and others: Heal old wounds. Put your history in perspective and re-author the story of your life. Take care of your self and your life. Set appropriate boundaries for yourself and with others.
Learn better communication skills so you can get on the same page with your partner and prevent additional damage to your connection. Be kind, respectful, accepting and supportive to your partner.
Once you start being mindful of the space between and caring for it, you’ll notice a difference in your feelings towards each. Your relationship will become more satisfying and you’ll feel more deeply connected. Start putting in good stuff in the space between you!
Happy Stuffing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Start being mindful of the space between you and your partner. Think of three ways to start nurturing it and enhancing the energy, strengthening your connection. Schedule related tasks into your schedule – integrate nurturing your relationship into your routine!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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