One of the main reasons couples argue is because they are not on the same page. It’s not so much because they might disagree on something, but it has more to do with knowing and understanding where each partner is coming from. Partners usually make assumptions about what is going on, what their partner wants, and that they both want the same thing… Partners don’t always share what’s on their mind, their wishes, and desires and expect their partner to somehow know… Not sharing expectations with your partner is a sure way to not be on the same page, to have disagreements, conflicts, arguments, and fights.
There are many reasons that partners might not share their expectations with each other, some include that:
~ They might not realize that it’s easier to get on the same page when the parties involved know what’s on the table
~ They might be afraid to share for fear of being misunderstood, judged, and rejected
~ They might be worried that their partner knowing what they want might cause disagreements, conflicts, arguments, and fights
What they don’t realize is that as they each operate from their own set of beliefs, opinions, expectations, and wishes that they are more likely than not to run into trouble. Can’t be on the same team, collaborate and work towards achieving a common goal if the partners are focused on different things and doing things in different ways.
When the partners are not aligned, they are each going in their own direction making it impossible to make progress creating the home life, family, lifestyle, and life they want. Not to mention that there is friction and conflict at every step of the way, making it challenging to get along, feel good about the relationship, and cultivate connection and embrace their love.
It is important for partners to get on the same page about their expectations so they can align and better collaborate, creating a strong partnership and successful relationship…
Clarifying Expectations
The first order of business is to own for oneself what our beliefs are about all areas of life and relationship to make sure we have a clean mindset to draw expectations from… If we have limiting beliefs, a lack mentality, and just overall poor mental hygiene, we are likely to have faulty expectations out of the gate.
Then not only would we not have communicated our expectations to our partner, but they are unrealistic and potentially out there as well. Talk about setting up our relationship to be a struggle…
So, back to the first order of business, review all the areas for yourself first. Scrutinizing your beliefs about them as to:
~ How realistic they are ~ Do they make sense ~ How did you come to believe them ~ Did you choose these or were they passed down to you ~ Do you want to keep them ~ Do they need to be upgraded ~ And so on
Clean up what you believe about each area to be really representative of where you stand with things. Fully own what you believe in its cleanest form.
The areas, topics, and concepts to review include things like:
Dating
Intimacy
Connection
Affection
Touch
Sex
Sexuality
Body
Gender
Gender Roles
Relationship
Commitment
Marriage
In-laws
Husband
Wife
Spouse
Partner
Partnership
Pregnancy
Nursing
Children
Parenting
Discipline
Education
Health
Illness
Death
Weight
Priorities
Goals
Collaboration
Support
Chores
House Keeping
Leisure
Vacation
Career
Success
Finances
Debt
Money
Spirituality
Religion
Politics
Social Systems
Social Institutions
And so on…
Explore as much or a little as makes sense for where you are in your relationship and add other things that are important to you that might not be captured on the list. Then you are ready to share with your partner…
As you can probably see, these are big things that we have all sorts of ideas, preferences, and expectations about that we might not be fully aware ourselves and that are impacting our relationship and our life.
And, as you can probably see, these can wreak some havoc in our interactions and our relationship if we are not proactive about what we belief and expect and about making that known…
Just remember when you have your sharing session with your partner, to be gentle, open, understanding, accepting and mindful. Both your sides are equally as valid, and you might find that you diverge on things.
That’s ok. That’s the point of this exercise. To find the differences so you can work on getting on the same page for improving your collaboration, partnership and overall relationship and life.
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What do you think about the concept of Unconditional Love? I believe this is very challenging for people because of the expectations that exist in the relationship. They equate love with the other showing up a certain way…
If my partner checks off these boxes, then I love them… Think about this for a second, how crooked is that… We obviously then don’t necessarily love the person but what they do and how they make us feel… How they meet our needs, take care of us, add to our status, and such… So, we actually love them on paper? It seems that way…
But we know better, don’t we. We just have a philosophical, or practical, depending on how you choose to look at it, issue with the concept of Unconditional Love. Because even though your partner is not perfect, and they might get on your nerves, and maybe are not meeting your needs, you still love them, right?
So then why struggle with the concept of Unconditional Love? Owning this will not make your partner be a worse partner- this is not a get out of jail free card. LOL
What would happen if you embraced the concept of Unconditional Love? If you really approached your partner and your relationship with this lens on and interacted from this perspective as much as possible. If you didn’t focus on your partner’s imperfections. If you didn’t worry about fairness and supposed doubled standards.
If you didn’t get hang up on whether your partner apologized. If you didn’t go into your partner’s circle and told them how to be, feel and do. If you didn’t try to make your partner do things the way you would, or the way you want. If you didn’t have expectations of what you should get out of this relationship. And so on…
~ What if you just loved your partner because they are awesome. ~ What if you just loved your partner because they are on this Journey with you. ~ What if you just loved your partner because they are a fellow Human Being existing in this now and in this relationship with you…
What if you became aware of, if you are not already, to the fact that you are actually an energetic being that appears solid and living in this meat suit because we live in a 3D reality and our experience is limited to what we pick up with our senses…
And, as this energetic being you are actually beyond your mere body, you are actually one with all that is… And so is your partner… AND, as such you are actually ONE…
You are actually part of the whole Universe, you are part of Unity Consciousness- Love Consciousness…
Do you see the implications of this? There is so much here… For now, let’s highlight this, if you are One,
~ When you judge, criticize, scorn, control, reject, or shun your partner, you are doing that to yourself as well…
~ When you don’t like something in your partner, you don’t like that in yourself- might not even be aware you have that…
As soon as you give your partner compassion, acceptance, and freedom- Love, you’ll feel these for yourself…
As soon as you focus on giving yourself compassion, acceptance, and freedom- Love, you’ll feel these from your partner!
When we open ourselves to this inquiry and possibility, and let go of a lower-self experience of lack (we are missing something), attachments (we need certain outcomes), and control (we need to make the things happen) this is when our suffering ends…
This is what the Practice of Letting Go is about… This is about Trusting… About having Faith…
These mindsets, egoic patterns…, just create the struggle we are trying to overcome… These are what hold us back from being able to embrace the Unconditional Love we are capable of and that would make everything so much easier…
~ Lack is driven by believing we are separate and not whole, which leads to sadness, grief, loneliness, aloneness, hopelessness, depression and so on which lead to focusing on fairness and double standards, judging imperfections, self-numbing [flight response…]
~ Attachments are driving by believing we need certainty and certain outcomes which leads to let down, disappointment, resentment, frustration, anger and so on which lead to demanding apologies, owning the other, and getting stuck on expectations [fight response…]
~ Control is driven by believing that we have to make things happen and have to do all the doing which leads to fear, stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety and so on which lead to over-functioning, micromanaging, doing everything ourselves, not accepting help [freeze response…]
So you see, when we get in our own way with our limited mindset we impact how we feel and experience ourselves, our partner, and the world… Not to mention our nervous system and the rest of our biology and hence our health, and our overall energy and what we are able to manifest…
Addressing these egoic patterns allows us to more easily embrace Unconditional Love and make our relationship, and whole Human Experience, much more satisfying- more radiant, more divine…
Here is to embracing Unconditional Love more this month and going forward…
APPLICATION: Set time aside to contemplate and meditate on the concepts of Unconditional Love and Unity Consciousness…
~ Did you feel peace, joy, love, Oneness?
~ After you quiet yourself down, explore how you might still have limiting mindsets. Observe your lack, attachments and control patterns of thought, feelings and behaviors…
~ Identify which of the three is more prominent for you and decide to gently address these and let them go…
~ Share your discovery and commitment with your partner, with no strings attached…
When we reprogram and release our egoic patterns, it is easier to create / manifest what we desire in our life experience… It is much easier to embrace Unconditional Love and enjoy the Journey…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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