Using the 5 Love Languages for giving and receiving the right kind of love
What is Love? Love is many things, and we can all define it differently. And, we can all give it and receive it differently… It is common in couples for the partners to feel that they give more love than their partner does. It’s interesting when both partners in the relationship feel this way. The reason for this is that they are giving love the way they themselves like to receive love, not necessarily in the way that their partner likes to receive it. This leaves the partners giving love that the other doesn’t even register…
What a conundrum, right? The partners give the love, and the other doesn’t feel it.
They are both investing in their relationship with no impact. They get frustrated at giving the love that seemingly it not being reciprocated. The partners struggle to understand what’s happening, feeling resentful at not being loved enough…
When this continues, with the partners none the wiser that they are both investing just not in the required way, the resentment starts manifesting in poor interactions. Which are riddled with cynicism, criticism, control, defensiveness, passive aggressiveness, defiance, power struggles, and other pesky ways.
This can all be easily shifted when the partners give their love in the way the other likes to receive it!
This idea was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman and presented in his popular book, The 5 Love Languages. He shares the 5 love languages commonly desired by partners and how to give love in those languages. Now we all like to receive love in all the 5 languages, but usually we have 2 top ones we prefer.
I teach clients to focus on giving their partner love in their top two languages, so they no longer spin their wheels giving love how they like to receive it and it being lost on their partner. This shift in how they give love makes a great impact as the partners start to immediately feel more loved. An investment well worth what it requires to shift their approach.
Dr. Chapman also presents pitfalls to avoid according to each love language. It’s interesting that partners have the hardest time giving the love in the way that their partner desires it, and do exactly the things that hurts the other the most… This is all part of our relationship dynamics and our patterns.
The way we struggle giving the right love for our partner and avoiding the related pitfalls is all part of how we are to continue to evolve… This is yet another way in how we are a perfect match for each other…
Here are the 5 Love Languages and Their Pitfalls
Learning our Love Languages is key in ensuring we are showing each other love in the way that touches are heart the most and avoid the common pitfalls that hurt our partner.
1~ Words of Affirmation
Partners with this love language feel most loved through verbal expressions of affection, praise, and encouragement. This also includes compliments, appreciation, acknowledgment, credit, and validation.
These Have this Flavor:
~ Saying, “I love you,” frequently.
~ Giving genuine compliments like, “You’re amazing at what you do.”
~ Leaving a heartfelt note or sending a thoughtful text message.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
~ Insincere or forced compliments can feel empty.
~ Negative or critical words can be especially hurtful to someone who values affirmation.
~ Assuming your partner “already knows” you appreciate them without saying it.
2~ Acts of Service
Love is expressed through helpful actions rather than words. Doing things that make life easier for the partner is the key to their heart. These partners really appreciate practical and hands on support. Help with their to-do list or getting things done.
These Have this Flavor:
~ Cooking a meal for them when they’ve had a long day.
~ Taking care of household chores without being asked.
~ Running an errand they’ve been putting off.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
~ Doing things out of obligation rather than genuine love.
~ Assuming your acts of service are meaningful to your partner without asking.
~ Expecting praise in return, or having strings attached, rather than giving selflessly.
3~ Quality Time
Undivided attention and meaningful experiences are the primary ways these partners feel loved. This is where the attunement, presence, and protected couple and intimate time come into play.
These Have this Flavor:
~ Planning a date night with special touches.
~ Engaging in deep conversations without distractions.
~ Taking a weekend trip together to reconnect.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
~ Being physically present but mentally absent (e.g., scrolling on your phone).
~ Assuming quantity of time matters more than quality.
~ Failing to plan meaningful activities together.
4~ Physical Touch
Physical affection is the primary way these partners feel connected and loved. This doesn’t always mean physical intimacy or sexy time. It can be as simple as touch. These can look like caressing, petting, patting, grazing, kissing, and the like…
These have this flavor:
~ Holding hands while walking together.
~ Giving hugs, back rubs, or gentle touches throughout the day.
~ Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
~ Assuming all physical touch is romantical- non-intimate affection is important too.
~ Withholding touch as punishment.
~ Forgetting that small, spontaneous gestures of touch can mean a lot.
5~ Receiving Gifts
For some, tangible symbols of love carry deep emotional significance. It’s not about materialism but about the thoughtfulness behind the gift. Though some partners have higher expectations on the kinds of gifts.
These have this flavor:
~ Bringing home their favorite snack just because.
~ Giving a meaningful birthday or anniversary present.
~ Surprising them with a small, sentimental token that reminds you of them.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
~ Thinking it’s about money rather than meaning.
~ Forgetting special occasions or failing to put thought into gifts.
~ Assuming a generic or last-minute gift will have the same impact as something personal.
Understanding and speaking our partner’s Love Language, and knowing and communicating our own, can be truly transformative in our relationship.
Identifying and prioritizing our love languages can help prevent unnecessary conflicts, and deepen our connection. If you don’t already know yours, check out Dr. Chapman’s quiz! Here.
This is a fun exercise to share with your partner to realign, add more dimension to your relating, and just for kicks. Why not?
If you notice resistance in giving your partner love in their Love Language, take some time to explore what’s behind that for you and how you need to stretch for your own growth…
Happy Loving…
With Much Love & Light!
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Often when couples struggle in their relationship, or when they feel they are in a bit of a slump, it has to do with Relationship Neglect… When life gets hectic with demands and we barely have time to sleep, the further thing from our mind is being cute in our relationship. Because we are so used to a life of grind, this state of affairs is common. Where the relationship and our bond take a major blow.
The relationship can sustain challenging times, but ongoing neglect takes its toll. There are specific factors that play a role during these difficult times, that can at times be pervasive in the relationship making matters worse. Shifting these is key to getting out of the slump along with intentionally and effortlessly investing in the relationship.
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PS: Related Articles
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Are you being nice to your partner?
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Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
Break the barrier to connection
Flexibility enables connection
Perception, mood and connection
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
