It is a phenomenon when we feel energized, connected, and alive past the infatuation stage of our relationship.
At the beginning, we fall in love. We feel euphoric, on top of the world, passionate, sexy, wanted, lustful, etc. This stage lasts and can be maintained only for so long.
In this stage we live in a state of arousal: heart rate increases, different hormones and chemicals in our bodies are triggered, we loose our appetite, we need less sleep, we loose concentration, we become obsessed with the other, we spend most of our time together or thinking about each other, etc.
This stage is Mother Nature’s way of insuring a bond is created between two people. But eventually reality needs to set back in, and life needs to continue on happening.
It is at this point that couples start running into trouble. Negotiating and balancing the relationship, one’s needs and life in general is a struggle. And so people do the best they can and resort to their usual defense mechanisms to cope with and manage their lives.
These defenses are a trigger for their partner in that these do the opposite of what the partner needs. For example, you might go about business by being detached and aloof so life and the relationship are doable for you, but your partner needs somebody who is emotionally available who checks in, nurtures, caters, pampers, and wants to talk.
Because what our partner needs is out of the scope of our usual functioning, we have difficulties giving them what they need, and vice versa. This is how we get stuck in dissatisfying interactions. This is what creates the repeated arguments, issues and lack of resolution.
This is how we start to grow distant. Sometimes we might get lucky and have a stretch of good days, but usually we feel out of sorts with our partner. This is the power struggle stage of relationships.
The reason we can’t give our partner what they need, is because it would stretch who we currently are. Our partner is triggering old wounds in us that require the usual defense mechanisms to cope with the feelings. For us to do something different would mean becoming vulnerable, feeling unsafe, and very uncomfortable, that is if we are even able or even have the skills or know how on how to provide what our partner needs.
This is due to us having had less than perfect caretaking growing up that truncated part of our development and skill building impeding us from having our full Self and associated skills accessible to us.
One way to start breaking this cycle and to be able to give each other what we need is to finish our developmental task of growing up, get to know and fully develop our Self. When we do this, we have our full Self to bring to our relationship to interact and be with our partner. When we are fully there we can then be in relationship. If we are not present or if we don’t exist, how can we be in relationship?
Start acknowledging, finding, nurturing, holding, appreciating, accepting, recognizing, integrating, expanding, and owning your Self. Feel the liveliness, resonance, vibrancy, energy, buoyancy, warmth, glow, zeal, passion that is You. You are alive, you exist, you count, you matter, you make a difference, and you are needed for your Self, your partner and the world!
Become the Master of You. Make sure being connected and feeling good in your relationship isn’t just a phenomenon but a given in your relationship. Get your Self and share It!!
Happy Selfing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Start a Developing My Self project. Choose any two of these methods to start defining, finding and acknowledging your Authentic Self (term and concepts borrowed from the book Simple Abundance, see resources section).
A) Buy a beautiful leather bound blank book for journaling and make daily entries about your wishes, likes, dislikes, observations, insights, etc.
B) Choose a comfortable, soothing and warm place in your home where you can relax and let go. Go here for 20 minutes on a daily basis to Meditate. Just sit with yourself and try to keep your mind quite.
C) Create a Treasure Map by cutting out things out of magazines that you are drawn to and would like to have, become more like, aspire to achieve (home, decorations, landscapes, sceneries, clothing, people, colors, flowers, trophies, awards, etc.)
D) Go on Exploration Trips for hints of your deeper desires and wishes, window shopping does a nice trick here. Honor your first impulse of what you like: a fuchsia hat versus a beige one. Just acknowledge your preferences.
E) Limit your intake of the news and listen from a different angle. Listen for your opinion and reaction from within and not the version that was created from outside influences.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We don’t very often think of freedom in the context of our relationship. We leave freedom and independence to be celebrated on the 4th of July, and for politicians and policy makers to worry about. But freedom is a gift that should be treasured, cherished and protected in all contexts, especially in such an intimate and influential relationship in our lives such as our relationship with our partner.
In our relationship, the ability to exercise our freedom is key to our and our partner’s wellbeing and that of the relationship. Without freedom your true authentic selves can not be in relationship and the relationship can not flourish and be satisfying.
But how does freedom manifest in our relationship? I am not talking about being free to do what you please, at whim, at your partner’s expense. Exercising freedom carries responsibilities with it to ourselves and those around us. It is not about being selfish, inconsiderate, and irresponsible.
Having freedom in your relationship means having the ability, opportunity, space and safety to be your authentic self and interact from your uniqueness, strengths, and gifts. It also means being responsible for creating the ability, opportunity, space and safety for ourselves and our partner.
Freedom can not be taken away; it is a state of mind that we have control over. When we feel stuck in our lives and relationship, it is because of how we are choosing to look at our situation. Perception is extremely powerful. It creates our experiences, our reality and ultimately our lives!
Be mindful of how you choose to perceive your partner, their motives, your interactions, your options, your relationship, your life. What you make of it is what you get!
You have a choice on how you perceive any given moment and therefore how you feel, how you respond, what actions you take, and consequently what results you get. Take advantage of this inherent gift, your freedom of choice and perception, and create a fabulous relationship with your partner and an incredible life!!
Happy Perceiving and Choosing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Determine what the common denominator is for your repeating arguments and choose to view this from a connection and intimacy lens.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When couples struggle it is very common to find that the partners have not yet found a way to honor and support each other in genuine, compassionate and generous ways. Partners share that they have tried it all and are tired of not getting anything back, getting their needs met, nor being able to create an awesome relationship.
They participate in their relationship with an ego (fear-based, selfish, and self-centered) approach. These partners have difficulties letting go and trusting their partner…
This is when partners are controlling, overfunctioning, overwhelmed, frazzled, accident prone, chaotic, exhausted, and rundown. They have poor boundaries, take on too much, can’t say no, can’t seem to implement and stick with self-care routines, have no clue as to how to delegate, are stingy about investing in support, and get in their own way of success and embracing their magnificence.
It gets as bad as impacting their finances, household ambiance, and personal appearance. They are possibly even facing health issues and might be dealing with infertility. This is not a fun way to be in relationship and live our life!
So, if our relationship and our life are so miserable, why do we keep doing more of the same? I’m sure you know that by doing more of the same we get more of the same results. I find that partners want to create a different relationship without stretching, growing, healing and changing…
They prefer to focus on what is wrong with their partner, working on changing their partner or waiting for their partner to change… They dig their heals in, in the name of “this is who I am… take it or leave”. For things to be different, YOU have to change!
We of course do not want to change the core you, your Authentic Self, who you ARE. What we do want to change is your not owning your Authentic Self, your not honoring your Self! And, your funky approach to your life and your relationship that at the end of the day is not serving either of you… We want to change how you are with your Self and with your Partner.
Do you find that you abandon your Self…? That you are not there for yourself and don’t appropriately take care of yourself? Be careful how you answer these questions. A lot of times we think we are taking care of ourselves but instead we are either doing more of the same which hasn’t been working, shoot ourselves in the foot, or are being reactive and not honoring…
How can we trust others to be there for us, when we are not even there for ourselves? We can take this a step further. How can others love us, if we don’t love ourselves…?
Mind your ego… I’m sure it is telling you that your partner can’t support you, that you’ve tried that with horrible results. And, the like… Stop that line of thinking right now. Don’t host a dinner party for your ego. I’m sure your partner supports you in ways that you don’t even recognize… I’m sure your partner is willing to support you better… This is the moment of truth. Do you want to have an awesome relationship? If so, give your partner a chance!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog!
Happy Supporting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Get support now!
From your Self – implement a meditative practice, NOW! This is a direct channel to your Authentic Self, your Soul. This is the easiest way to stop the abandonment and build connection with your Self. This is the fastest way to honor and know your Self. This is the best way to attune with your Life’s purpose…
From your Partner – identify one behavior your partner does to support you that you haven’t recognized and acknowledge this to your partner. Select a supportive behavior you would like from your partner and responsibly, appropriately, and clearly ask for it.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Many couples operate under the assumption that being in a relationship means to be bossed around, told what to do, and to loose their personal freedom and choices. I have heard references to young couples getting engaged as “he bit the bullet” and other similar degrading remarks.
I’m sure you have heard before couples complain about how their partner wants to change and control them and references to partners being “trained,” “whipped,” “on a short leash,” etc. All these really set up the stage to struggle in one’s relationship.
After the “infatuation” stage, the honeymoon period, is over and the “power struggle” sets in (the second stage of relationships), we get stuck in our perspectives and have repeating arguments and conflicts. We try to resolve and address this by wanting and trying to change our partner.
When we address our relationship thinking that we have to change our partner so that we get along better, so we’d like our partner better and to get our needs met we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction.
Partners CANNOT be changed. Yes, you read that right. They cannot be changed. Please, read that again: They cannot be changed. I can’t emphasize this enough. I come across this concept probably more so that the average person in my I work with couples and creating changes.
It is very frustrating to watch couples beat each other up with hurtful words and actions because each partner is entrenched in their views and stance and they want to change their partner.
Why would you want to change your partner anyway? If they changed they would no longer be the person you fell in love with… Personality and people’s core are very difficult, if not impossible to change. What we really want to change is the partners’ behaviors and their reactions toward each other. These are changeable.
But, the catch here is that the partners cannot change each other. Whenever you see couples with partners who supposedly changed their partner what you are actually seeing is dynamics with baggage at work. The partners are actually not really satisfied in their relationship. Take a closer look.
If the couple looks very different from how they were and appear to be getting along nicely – then the partners have both mutually worked at changing themselves within the relationship. They have compromised and resolved issues. One did not change the other…
So, the point is you cannot change your partner and your partner can’t change who they are, but both your behaviors and reactions can be changed. AND, each partner is responsible for owning up to their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and the changes made in them. Stop trying to change your partner – it doesn’t work. Only they can change their behaviors and reactions.
Another very common and frustrating mistake partners make, is that once partners understand this concept they now wait for their partner to change their behavior. And they wait. And they wait. And the will continue to wait forever…
Change in relationships happen when one partner owns up to their stuff and create their OWN changes. If both partners are doing this, then change in the relationship is imminent. If both partners are not working together as allies yet, the trick is to take ownership and change oneself, take the initiative – the other will have no choice but to change in response.
This is the only way that you can actually change your partner – inviting them to change… Remember – It Takes Two To Tango!
Happy Dancing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Pay attention to your partner’s actions and make note of the responses, reactions and behaviors that bother you and that you find hurtful. See if you can find a common denominator for them.
For example, your partner is always late, they make plans with others without consulting or including you, they eat their own meals without regards for your nutrition, etc. The common denominator could be said to be: appearing not to be a priority or important to your partner.
What are you doing to receive this kind of treatment? Are you too busy yourself and not available in the way your partner would like? Are you too clingy, critical or bossy that they need to create space? Whatever you find, and the hint will be in your partner’s complaints…, you need to change.
What happens next is that as you change the behavior that invites the treatment you don’t like, then the treatment needs to change as well and therefore your partner’s behavior will have changed. It works try it!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Sometimes we feel stuck and hopeless. We look at our life and relationship and wonder, What happened? This is not what I set out to create. Somewhere along the way you lost your path, you lost your self. And now, you have no idea where you want to go and how to get yourself there.
You might even blame your partner for the lack of progress in your life and relationship. You can’t get your partner to do what you want. Stop trying. It won’t work – you can’t tell others what to do; they are not responsible for your happiness.
If your life and relationship are not what you had dreamed they would be, you have nobody but yourself to blame. Your contribution determines the outcome. You invite what you get. You cocreate your reality. This is a hard pill to swallow, but take a real look at your situation.
Own how you have contributed to the dissatisfying parts of your life. Take a good look at how you are holding your self back from where you want to be and from having the relationship you want to have.
It is very easy to make excuses for our shortcomings and to blame our circumstances and others for the dissatisfaction we experience. In fact it is so easy, that this is our default MO. We might wonder how could it be our fault that the relationship is not working, after all we do it all. It has to be our partner’s fault. They don’t put in half as much. It can’t be our fault that our life is not working. We had bad parenting. Nothing is our fault.
We wait for our partner to make changes so that our relationship can be better, we wait for the economy to bounce back to make money again, we wait for tomorrow to start our diet or go back to gym, we wait for Hell to freeze over to have a life. Why are we disowning our self? Why are we giving our power away?
It is time to reclaim your self. It is time to show up in your relationship and your life. It is time to stop giving your power away and start using it to create the relationship and life you want. Yes, this is easier said than done, but not impossible. Get to it!
You can do this by: 1) Not reacting to your surroundings and the people in your life. Take a step back and gain perspective.
2) Monitor your feelings and moderate them to your situation – exaggerated or minimized feelings are reactive, not responsive, promoting more dissatisfaction.
3) Stop worrying about what your partner is doing or not doing, and focus on your investment instead.
4) Stop trying to please, doing always what is expected of you, caretaking for everyone, imposing unrealistic expectations on yourself and others, trying to be perfect, and worrying about others’ impressions of you.
5) Clearly express realistic expectations of others and allow them to meet them.
6) Appropriately communicate your needs and go about having them met.
7) Flexibly hold on to your views and convictions and carry yourself accordingly.
8) Don’t tell others how to feel, what to think or what to do – doing so takes their power away disabling them from bringing their authentic and beautiful self to you!
9) Let go of outcomes. Live and enjoy the moment.
10) Give from the heart – no strings attached.
Stop de-selfing your self, stop the co-dependency today. Own your self and start moving forward in your relationship and your life!
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Choose a behavior you have been expecting from your partner that they haven’t granted, and identify the need behind it. Have a discussion with your partner about the need and brainstorm on how to best meet that need.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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