Couples get stuck in how they relate in their relationship and no matter how they try to get unstuck, to meet their needs and to create a satisfying relationship, they just get more and more buried in dissatisfaction.
The negative cycle of relating, their stuckedness, is created because partners bring childhood wounds into their relationship that are reopened in their interactions. The primary aim of relationships is to heal each partner of these wounds so they can break the cycle. Remember, partners fall in love with each other because they are unconsciously attracted to the other’s potential to heal them.
Partners can heal each other as they have the ability to create situations that reopen the old wounds as they have similar characteristics of their partners’ caretakers thus hurting them the same way as their caretakers hurt them when they were young. This provides an opportunity at being healed in that here is another chance to get what one didn’t get growing up.
When partners are focused on “getting their own needs met” they go about it the only way they know how. They use their usual defense mechanisms they developed when they were young. These are immature and inadequate to cope with the complexity of an adult relationship and its contexts.
To make matters worse, the defense mechanisms have hardened into character defenses meaning that they guide and inform its owner’s coping, views, and perceptions. It is these that partners use in their interactions and not their real selves.
Partners get stuck in a negative cycle, reopening wounds for each other, as they interact with each other with their character defenses which are polarized to ensure the opportunity for healing!
Let me show you how this may play out. Let’s say that growing up Partner A had a parent that was absent (mentally and emotionally absent count as well). They learned to cope with this by making sure the parent was there (fusing) so they became clingy, sought negative attention, got into trouble or were really good. As they became an adult, these behaviors translate into being an overfunctioner, demanding, controlling or critical.
Partner B had a parent growing up that tended to be overly involved, to overparent, or was very critical, so they developed defense mechanisms of isolating to create breathing space for themselves. As adults these behaviors might translate into a tendency to be a workaholic, overly involved in personal interests, becoming involved in outside relationships, or being passive-aggressive.
Partner A and Partner B will attract each other because they have developed opposite character defenses that have the ability to reopen wounds for each other. Partner A will now experience Partner B as uncaring, distant, selfish, not involved (just as they experienced their partner growing up – they feel abandoned) and so will go out of their way to engage them.
This in return will make Patner B want to run away more (as they feel smothered) to create more space as they are experiencing Partner A as nagging, demanding, controlling, or critical reminding them of their parent growing up.
The partners will unconsciously search for a mate to recreate their childhood wounds get a different outcome this time and thus get healed.
You can use this information to figure out your dynamics and break your negative cycle of interaction. First, figure out your childhood wounds and have your partner do the same. This sounds easier than it is. This stuff is hidden! So, search your souls and figure this out.
Once you know how you were each wounded, figure out what your character defenses are and how you use them in your relationship (the opposite ways you guys deal with each other). This is your dynamic. Your wounds are interacting with each other, they are being triggered by each other.
This is what makes the negative cycle of interaction that you are so familiar with: You are repeating the same argument over and over and dealing with it the same way you always have, without getting much resolution or satisfaction.
To break this cycle, change your dynamics, all you have to do is do something different than the usual. Give your partner an alternate outcome to the argument. If you are not sure how to give a different response or give your partner what they need, ask them.
Ask your partner to tell you how they feel when you behave from your character defense place and how they would like you to behave instead. By doing this consistently you’ll be giving your partner the alternate outcome to the wounding scenarios thus healing their wounds. Keep in mind that when you do this you are also inviting your partner to behave differently so your needs are met in return.
Whether you feel abandoned or smothered in your relationship, your partner feels the other. You invite each other’s behaviors and are stuck until one of you takes responsibility to stop the cycle by giving your partner a different outcome and thus starting the healing cycle. Be the one to do something different and start healing today!!
Happy Healing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™AssignmentHave a discussion with your partner about your histories and your feelings growing up and how your relationship is replicating those for you. Give your partner behavior change requests that will give you a different outcome to the recurring wounding scenarios thus resolving them and healing yourself. Do the same for them.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A lot of times we experience our partner as selfish. They might seem self-indulgent, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, thoughtless, demanding, and unsupportive. They might be passive-aggressive and underminding. It appears that everything is about them and for them.
It is draining to be in relationship with a selfish partner as all our energies seem to go to trying to get our voice heard, our needs met, and our wishes seen. We appear to be constantly fighting off being “absorbed”, taken for granted, stepped on, used and abused, and dismissed. We feel unappreciated, invisible and not understood. There is always an element of going tit-for-tat, especially during stressful moments. It is exhausting!!
When we get stuck in this situation and look at it only from this perspective, we face the danger of being stuck in a very dissatisfying relationship. Interactions might become volatile, very hurtful and frustrating. Conflicts don’t get resolved and your needs are not met.
But, let’s take a step back and look at this situation from our partner’s position for a second. Partners that appear selfish, that act selfish, do so for a reason, and they are usually not aware of this. They didn’t get up in the morning and said, “I’m going to be selfish and disregard my partner today.”
The reason they are being selfish is usually because they are afraid or scared. They might be afraid of change, of being taken-over and controlled, of not measuring up, of being eventually abandoned so they need to “take care of themselves”, and of being held back.
They might feel incompetent, spiteful, rebelious, small, unworthy, unloved, unsupported, misunderstood, unappreciated, and hopeless. Their behavior is a coping mechanism. They are trying to take care of and protect themselves. They are trying to survive YOU!
We tend to forget that “It Takes Two To Tango.” We do not pay attention to how we invite our partner’s behaviors, responses, and coping. They have to live with us just like we have to live with them! So, next time you experience your partner as being selfish, take a step back and see if you can see the hurt, the vulnerability, behind their behavior.
From this compassionate perspective, you’ll realize that your partner is not really being selfish and out to get you, but is just doing their best not to hurt and to take care of their own needs.
When you are able to reconcile your view of your partner’s behavior, you’ll move into a nonreactive stance rendering you more powerful and resourceful in your interactions. From this new stance you’ll be able to address your partner differently allowing you to get your needs met!!
Happy Interacting!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Next time you find yourself reacting at your partner’s selfishness, take a step back and see the vulnerability behind their actions. Validate your partner’s experience by telling them how you understand where they are coming from and ask do to a Behavior Request Swap:
Ask them what they would like for you to do differently to address their vulnerability and in turn ask for what you want them to do differently to meet your needs. Make sure the behaviors are concrete and specific.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you gotten over yourself, evicted your Ego, yet? Are you full steam ahead? Are you all in?Are you fully committed to really giving it your all, to throwing your whole Self in? Are you fully committed to kicking some serious butt, to creating an extraordinary life and awesomest relationship? Do these questions scare you?
Do you feel a wave of terror cursing through your body? Do you feel your insides shaking? Do you feel frozen or paralyzed? Do you feel like a protagonist in a film playing in slow motion, or like you are walking in molasses?
It’s ok. This fear comes up when we aspire to reach our full potential, when we get a glimpse of the possibilities. We are quick to remember our limitations and scripts, and to choose the status quo and playing it safe… We are scared of our own splendor. We impose our limiting lens on our experience, process and decisions to-do-over. We give up too easily without giving ourselves the full groundhog-day benefit.
Keep investing and tweaking till you are %99.9999 perfect…, till you have mastered doing your life and your relationship… There is so much beauty and magic in this. This is what Life is about… I want you ALL in. It makes a massive difference in the quality of all you do and the awesomeness you are able to create…
Here is how to get yourself all in and creating your extraordinary life and awesome relationship:
Step back and take stock of all areas of your life. Is this what your picture of your most awesomest life and relationship looks like? Where are the discrepancies? Notice the gaps. Notice what comes up for you as you think about this…
Pay attention to your scripts, your self limiting believes, the lack of ownership and accountability, the fear… I want you to take notice of all this and don’t judge, criticize or beat yourself up, or anyone else… I want you instead to give yourself understanding (not excuses, but validation), compassion and love.
I want you to soothe the shame monster. You are OK. There is nothing wrong with you. You are exactly where and how you need to be right now, to be where and how you need to be next… This is your journey… And, it’s beautiful. There is a reason for everything… Let’s use what you got!
What are you getting from your pic? What is your lesson? I want you to go deeper and figure out what it is you are to be learning? What is the code you need to crack? What is your stretch? Take your time and GET THIS. Now, imagine you cracked this. Imagine you rewired yourself.
Imagine you changed your molecular structure, your energy… Imagine you have a brand new ninja OS. Imagine you no longer have limiting scripts or believes. Whoa… Do you see where I’m going? Humor me.
Please take a moment to imagine this… Imagine you fully own your Self, have mastered self-management, and have embraced your magnificence. Can you see what this would do for your life and your relationship? You would ROCK!
Do you see how you hold your Self back? It is time to stop. It is time to do something. It’s time to take action. Insight is not enough. Once you get it, you have to take massive action to get massive results. What does this mean for you? Think about what you need to do, what actions you need to take. If you are stuck, let me help you: Go back to the code you need to crack.
Here is where your massive action needs to be… Here is where you push yourself, where you stretch. Here is where you put all the support in the world in place to help you crack this and get moving. Here is where you invest. Here is where you hang out. Here is your sweet spot. Push through this and the ceiling is gone!
Do whatever it takes to Get It, and reach for the Stars. Play with your strengths, get assistance with your weaknesses. Put support in place to keep you accountable, and to stretch, teach, and guide you. Put support in place to celebrate your successes, hold you up when you fall down, and cheer you on when you feel like giving up.
Give yourself every chance and opportunity to succeed. What does that look for you? Where do you need the support? What would free up resources allowing you to invest better where it really counts?
Make a commitment now to go for it, to be all in, to have an extraordinary life, starting today! Take an action RIGHT NOW to put the wheels in motion, on the right path… Go for it, you have my support; my energy is with you. Go kick butt!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Actioning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take stock of where you have been wishy-washy in your relationship and your life (i.e., planning, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, exercising, dating, intimacy & connection, parenting, gardening, writing, invoicing clients, whatever.). Make a list of all the things you do half heartedly, without conviction and commitment, with reservation and disinterest, with one foot in and the other out, and with a minimum of effort and investment.
Next, categorize each item with: to Ditch, Reassign (delegate, contract out, automate, etc.), or Reinvest (leave only what you truly care about and are uniquely talented at).
Pick one from each category to tackle this week. Use your support system… This creates new energy and energy flow in your life…
I want you to turn your special attention to your chosen Reinvesting item. REALLY invest… Give it your all…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our relationship has a purpose. There is a reason for our relationship why we chose the partner we did. People, in more recent times, usually say they got married, or are involved in their relationship, because they love their partner, and/or have also other logical reasons why they decided to commit and stay with their partner.
These are not the real reasons for why they are in their relationship! These are either socially correct or superficial reasons, and are ways for them to understand why they are with their partner.
Because partners use this lens, to interpret their relationship and interactions, there will be a time when they will get stuck in their relationship and be dissatisfied.
Individuals supposedly chose their partner for whatever reasons they told themselves: they love their partner and want to be with them, they invested a lot of time in the relationship, the partner has all the qualities they want in a partner, convenience, pregnancy, to have children, security, to get out of parents’ home, they were getting older and needed to settle down, etc.
These reasons will inevitably not hold up to scrutiny to explain the partners’ reality, experiences, and interactions.
To make matters worse, partners continue to use this lens when they are looking to resolve their situation. If the logic is crooked, so will be the output! If you use rotten ingredients when cooking, your meal will not be tasty no matter what you do to it!!
The real purpose of our relationship is to meet our unconscious needs (heal childhood wounds and become complete). Inherently, the relationship is of an intimate nature, even if we don’t feel close, and our partner has the make up necessary to meet our needs. This is why we are unconsciously attracted to them in the first place! The trick is to figure out how to tap into this resource!!
To discover childhood wounds, partners need to ask themselves what is their major gripe about their parents/caretakers growing up. This can be translated into wounds by discovering how the parents’ hurtful behavior made them feel.
This is then related to the present relationship and to how partners’ behaviors are making each other feel as they did growing up. Partners continue to re-wound each other when they are not aware of this connection. They can use this new awareness to start giving each other what they didn’t get growing up, thus, healing.
To achieve completeness, partners just need to look at their partner’s opposite characteristics, personality traits, and work on owning them for themselves.
This process, even though it is hard, is uplifting and renewing. When couples take off their blinders and see their relationship in these terms, things finally make sense. They understand their interactions and their hurts. They understand where their partner is coming from and realize they are not out to get them or not be there for them. Partners now become allies and are no longer enemies. This realization changes their lens from black to pink!
Partners now see the unconscious bond that has been holding them together. When they get it and work it they feel a sense of relief and are finally at peace and hopeful. They are ready to get unstuck and get their needs met. Now they have the ability to feel a true bond and inner connection!
Happy Bonding!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™AssignmentHave a heart-to-heart with your partner about your childhood histories and how you felt growing up. Share how you are re-wounding each other: which behaviors from your partner make you feel the same way you did growing up. Ask each other for concrete changes in those behaviors.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
People are obsessed with the difficulties in their relationship, they just keep thinking about it and hurting over it. They put too much negative mental energy into it. I don’t really blame them as I know it is very difficult and painful to be in a relationship that just keeps hurting them, but one gets out what one puts in. Negativity begets negativity.
When you are focused on how bad, painful and dissatisfying your relationship is, you are drenching your relationship with unwarranted negative mental energy and attention. When the relationship gets desperation, negativity, criticism, disgust, and hopelessness, it is strangled. Its lifeline is being cut off. The flame of love, lust, trust, friendship and partnership is close to being smothered.
When we are this stuck in our relationship, we have given the power struggle stage in our relationship a life of its own. We are so entrenched in thinking how awful it is for us that we loose perspective of the relationship and our partner with it. It is time to reclaim that power and use it to create the relationship you want.
Stop chocking the life out of your relationship. When the pressure is off, when the energy we send our troubled relationship is retargeted, miracles happen…
The power struggle is a very lonely, frustrating, enraging and painful stage in our relationships. It takes courage, will power and stamina to wade through the wounds, hurts, negative coping mechanisms, exits, reactions and intimacy ignorance. It is difficult healing ourselves and our partners simultaneously while dealing with everyday life. It is hard work and we have to have faith that in the end it will be better.
This is where it gets really tricky. Having faith in ourselves, our partner and our relationship is a daunting task when we are running on empty and when we hurt so bad, but do rest assured. I can tell you that if you stick it out and do the work, things do get better. I know this because I have seen it in my own relationship and in that of all my clients that have made it through the process.
It is difficult. I do give you that. And trying, and exhausting and painful, but in the long run, it is all well worth it. After all, what have you got to loose? If you end this relationship, it is all a matter of time before your wounds (and that of your new partner’s) resurface in the new relationship creating another dissatisfying relationship and you are back to square one…
So, stick it out and do the ‘real work to heal yourselves’ and move out of the power struggle in your relationship.
Remember, partners are unconsciously attracted to each other and are stuck together because they have the ability to re-wound each other as they were wounded when they were children by their caretakers and now have a chance at getting what they didn’t get then.
This is the reason you keep having the same issue over and over and why it’s so painful. Your coping mechanisms are opposite each other’s recreating hurts for each other. The more painful and stuck, the better the match between the two of you.
This means that you both have the ability to really hurt (re-wound) each other as you were before, but also to heal each other. There is reciprocity in your coping, it creates a cycle that needs to be broken by one putting their needs, and associated mental energy, on hold for a bit and tend to their partner. This breaks the cycle and healing can commence. When you both give each other alternate outcomes to the usual hurting situations, healing takes place.
The big hint here is to refocus your energies. Stop thinking about yourself and how your needs are not met and how hurt and dissatisfied you are and put yourself in your partner’s context for a change. Really look at your relationship from your partner’s perspective.
The trick is not to go into your partner’s shoes with your own head, but to look at things from their perspective and mindset. How do they experience the relationship? How do they experience you? Are their needs, as they define them, met? Is their vision of the relationship a reality for them? Are they happy?
When you do this, you realize that you are not alone in this and that your partner is not out to get you, but they are also trying to survive. They are not your enemy! With this new realization in mind, switch your mental energy setting to life saving mode and engage your ally in creating a win-win situation.
First, do a mental update on how you look at your relating. Your partner is not really out to hurt you, but they are protecting themselves. They are communicating their dissatisfaction and pain. Look at all your interactions and relationship situations from this perspective.
Once that mental energy is refocused, you are ready to start creating some changes. What can you give your partner to help ease their pain? When their pain eases, so will yours…
Happy Healing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make an appointment with your partner for them to gift you with tips on how you hurt them. Ask them to prepare and bring a list of things that bother them about you that recreate wounds for them. Review the list together while remaining accepting and trusting.
You might want to create a safety shield around yourself before you start. You will probably find that some things you do because you mean well or are trying to be helpful are probably the worst or most painful ones to your partner. Remember, we have to give love how our partner wants it not how we want to give it…
Just listen to your partner and take it in. Don’t defend or explain. Finish the appointment by asking your partner to help you change by showing you when you do the damaging behavior and how they would like it to change. Pick two behaviors on the list to start with.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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