I can tell my couples how to do things till I’m blue in the face, but unless we play deeper change is not possible… I find that we have a tendency to look for immediate gratification, the quick fix, the easy way out, and the shortest path to the Promised Land. If this approach worked we would already be an amazingly evolved species…
Unfortunately, this is not the case. This approach does not work. We have to be in it to win… We have to have skin in the game to get the desired outcome. We have to have our two feet in to walk and enjoy the Journey. Investing anything less guarantees we won’t thrive, that we won’t create our Authentic Life and Awesome Relationship.
What I see happen is that we jump in with blinders to create what we desire. We think we know where we want to go and start going in that general direction, with our fingers crossed that we’ll find the way. Haphazardly we go in without a plan or a map.
We do this with our life, and with our relationship… We have no idea what we are doing or where we are going, and get upset when we get lost or go in the wrong direction… This is an absurd way to do our life and relationship.
We train, study, research, plan and set goals, and get support with other things we do… Actually, some don’t do this at all, and then they wonder how come nothing is working… We have to set ourselves up for success to create what we Desire…
How do we do that? There are three areas of focus to really get ourselves in order:
Consciously – We usually don’t know where we are going and how to get there. We have general ideas but don’t bother to create a clear destination, have a map and plan for getting there.
At this level we need to have a clear vision of what we desire – what we want our human experience to be, which can be further developed and tweaked as we go. And, we have to have a plan and support in place to get there. We need a vehicle with a full tank of gas, an itinerary and a map.
Subconsciously (or preconsciously) – We have a core set of beliefs that infiltrate and drive our behavior and approach to Life. We are usually blind to these unless we’ve invested in unearthing them. These are fear driven as a protective mechanism and operate as the break pedal on anything that appears “dangerous”… These beliefs are usually not in alignment with our “scary” desires and therefore manifest as sabotage…
At this level, we have to tune in, address and clean out our fears and limiting beliefs… We need to reprogram ourselves so our conscious and subconscious minds are congruent and in alignment. This clears up the traffic jams on our way to our destination.
Unconsciously – We have primitive, instinctual and built-in systems that are not directly or easily accessible. These include our embodied brain, our affective biological program, and our energetic molecular make up… This is our embodied Soul impacted by our human experience.
At this level, we have to change our blueprint, our very wiring, brain structure, biology, and energy integrating ourselves for higher Wellbeing. This enables us to fully own our Self and our Mission… We need to make repairs to our vehicle and service it along the way.
We struggle and create mediocre Lives because we fail to properly tend to our conscious, subconscious and unconscious minds… These comprise our operating system that we neglect to update and optimize… Trying and efforting to create the life and relationship we desire with an antiquated, short-circuiting, and malfunctioning system is a doomed quest right off the bat.
Our approach to our Life is inconsistent, haphazard, uninformed, unskilled, unsupported, unguided, and with limited resources. This is us inebriated at the wheel of malfunctioning vehicle without a GPS and trying to reach our destination with our feet both on the break and gas pedals… How in the world can we possibly lead Authentic Lives in this state and with this approach?
To top it off, our energetic vibrational frequency is low when we are “discombobulated”. We give mixed messages to the Universe (give me, don’t give me) as what we say we desire is energetically incongruent with our energy and approach. This contributes to the experienced stuckness and lack of forward movement… We compound the situation by attracting other low-vibe-frequency experiences adding to the drama and chaos in our life.
Our desires, abundance, love, service, philanthropy and the like, have high vibrational frequencies. It is our human responsibility to get to and maintain ourselves operating in high vibrational frequencies to be in alignment with our Desires and therefore able to accomplish our Mission…
Our Relationship is a tool, a vehicle, a mechanism, and a gift to assist us with all of the above… Anyway you look at it, our relationship serves a purpose… Put your relationship in its rightful place and get cranking on creating your Awesome Relationship, and Authentic Life!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Minding!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Assess your current level of attention and investment you are putting into optimizing the functioning of your three minds (Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious) to enable your Self to create your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life.
Select one to shower with more attention, and take an action today to start investing in it. Starting points for each:
Conscious Mind – Have a visualization session where you see your future and how you desire it to be. Break down your vision into measurable goals. Set milestones and tasks to achieve your goals. Schedule your tasks. Enlist support to build skills, expand your tool kit and create systems to accomplish your tasks.
Subconscious Mind – Have a getting-in-tune session where you identify your limiting beliefs and messages, narrow scripts, ego driven attitudes, and fears. Expand and challenge your narrow range, repertoire, and distortions. Enlist support to upgrade your Mindset…
Unconscious Mind – Have a healing and growing-up session where you connect to your affect program and fragmented, fragile Self. Learn to easily bring this to consciousness, effectively address your feelings and meet your needs. Enlist support to mindfully, gracefully and appropriately approach integrating your Self…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The only Time that exists is Now which encompasses our past and future as we understand them. I’ll spare you the physics lesson, but suffice it to say that at any moment in time we create our own reality and have access to all the information we need… I’ve created a powerful tool, Imagine Visiting with our Future Super Successful (FSS) Self who shows us the ropes to create what we desire in all areas of our life.
Mine is my cheerleader, counsel, guide, and coach. I figured Imagine Visiting with my FSS Self is a fun way to access information I already know, but don’t know I know… (If these concepts are foreign to you and you are having a reaction, just focus on the Imagining, visualizing, part of this… Either way it works marvelously…)
My FSS Self has it all figured out. She has cracked all the codes, is fully living her Authentic Life every moment, and is making a huge impact in the world through the lives of others… She knows what she is doing! Whenever I think small, get impatient, have doubts, or get in my own way in any way, she is there to nudge me in the right direction.
She knows what I’m capable of doing and how important my gifts are to the world. She knows what is best for me and for the world. So, I know what is best for me, and how to serve those I’m privileged to share this Journey with…
What do you know about your Authentic Self? What do you know about your FSS Self? What do you Know? See, I believe that we can all have our most magnificent lives, heal ourselves, have awesomest relationships and make a huge difference in the world. I think most of us choose to live mediocre lives… I invite you to say No to a mediocre life. To say, no more!
I invite you to take charge of your Life. I invite you to be the CEO of your Life. I invite you to own this new Identity, to have everything you do flow from this new place. I invite you to Live your life like you mean it. I invite you to accept your FSS Self’s guidance…
I invite you to embrace your FSS CEO Self as your new Identity. Can you see your new life? Can you taste it? Can you smell it? Can you hear it? Can you FEEL it? Sit with this concept for a moment. Your best possible and already super successful Self being in charge… Already living your magnificent Life, every moment!
What is different? What do you do differently? What parts of you are you accessing? What do you put in place to support you? How do you leverage your Self? How do you engage your best parts consistently? How do you invite your partner on this Trip? How do you stay the course?
How do you continually give your Self what it needs to show up in its most brilliant form? What priorities, boundaries, systems and structures do you need to put in place to elevate yourself? What else do you need to implement to assist you on your Journey? How else do you need to Be to Rock this Journey?
Since, I started Visiting with my FSS CEO Self, and embracing this as my new Identity, all my decisions are easier to make. My approach to everything is different… It’s surreal… Give it a try, pick an item you have to decide on and approach it from both Identities, your current and your embraced FSS CEO Self. See what you experience…
Now put your new FSS CEO Self Identity in charge of your relationship… Interact with your partner as if you already have your awesome relationship, the relationship of your dreams, the relationship you’ve desired. For why continue to waste time and be in pain, when you know the outcome… Start Living the outcome…
Make your future your Present… You can create your desired reality… Live your Awesome Relationship Now!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
At the beginning of each day, Visit with your FSS CEO Self and consult on what is to be your approach to the day, or to a specific issue. Embrace the FSS CEO Self Identity and operate from that place. Do this for a week, and then check-in on how you are feeling and what you’ve been able to accomplish, or change… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I learned to listen to my husband’s wishes. This might sound simple and easy to do, and even a given, right? But it’s not. It’s common for partners to give and do for each other what they’d like for themselves. Just this week I was talking with a client who does not like to make a fuss over her birthday so she doesn’t make one over her husband’s either, when the he actually wants a fuss!
I wish, my husband likes to fly under the radar also. I’ve learned to respect and honor that. I’ve learned not to embarrass him with undo attention and lavish gifts. It makes him uncomfortable. So, why would I celebrate him and gift him in that way? Who am I really gifting then…?
This works both ways. Whoever wants the fuss, should get the fuss. Whoever wants a modest acknowledgement, should get a modest acknowledgement. Who are we to tell our partner what would make them feel good, how they should celebrate and what kind of birthday, or whatever, they should have?
I see so much pain caused by these impositions. Partners’ refuse to do right by their partner… It’s their way or the highway, never mind their partner’s wishes. Yikes!
Partners also get hang up on fairness. They play the tit-for-tat game. If I do this, YOU have to do this. If it doesn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother you. I’m OK with it, why aren’t you? If I am mindful of this, you should be mindful of this. And, on and on. Fairness is overrated! There is no such thing as fair in relationship.
There will be such things as when one does more than the other, one makes more than the other, one invest more or better than the other, etc. Such is life. If you are both committed, trying and investing you are in good shape.
Don’t get hang up on the details of it all. It’s just noise, minutia and irrelevant life content. You each contribute in your own unique and necessary way… Don’t quantify your investment. Don’t Do in your relationship, Be in your relationship.
And, it’s definitely OK to have double standards! Yes, that’s right. Please read this carefully. This is a huge thing for couples. Partner’s get hang up on justness, rightness, equality, balance, and such in their relating. They worry about how come some rules apply to one and not the other. And, this might be the case for you as well. So, there are two ways to go about this. One, when a rule is made, it applies to both partners.
The one that really cares about the rule, and the other. Both partners agree to abide by this rule. The one that doesn’t particularly love or agree or need the rule complies to meet the partner’s need. Two, when a rule is made, it applies to only one partner.
One partner does a certain behavior, even if they don’t particularly care to, again as an investment. They don’t have the same need, so they don’t require the same behavior of their partner.
The theme here is to stretch and to go out of our way to meet our partner’s needs… Partner’s usually go about this the opposite way. They are all about their own selves, ego driven, thoughtless, uncaring, and selfish. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT encouraging selflessness! I’m encouraging Love…
So, make sure you understand where you both stand on your “rules”. Explore these. What are the wishes, preferences, expectations, guidelines, contracts and agreements that you are each to follow in order to be attuned, connected, safe, synchronized, on the same page, together, and partnering effortlessly?
Don’t impose your wishes for your partner on your partner, they can have their own wishes! Express yours mindfully and respectfully without trumping your partner’s.
Stay open minded, creative, resourceful, giving, compassionate, accepting and forgiving. Both your needs then get met…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Meeting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify an area such as celebrating, planning, eating, cleaning, connecting, investing, parenting, dressing, exercising, or whatever, where you have been out of sync or where there has been tension because you have a different approach or preference.
STOP telling your partner what to do, how to do it, how to feel, what to want, how to be and the like, get out of their circle!
Approach your partner about this topic with the gift of letting go… Let them know that going forward they can do it their way…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Trust is very delicate and fragile and needs to be earned and developed, it is not a given. And, once it is achieved it is only transient. For it to survive it needs to be safeguarded and nurtured. It is like achieving our ideal weight and level of fitness. To maintain them we need to continue to eat healthy and nutritious foods and keep up with out fitness program.
Even though we are not aware or cognizant of this when we are infants, for obvious reasons, we are actually born as fully trusting human beings. We start off with a clean slate. This trust slowly gets eroded as we are parented by imperfect parents. We quickly learn that our needs do not get met 100% of the time and that others are not there for us %100 of the time the way we need them to be.
This makes us cautious. This teaches us how to protect ourselves and not be vulnerable to others. This creates defense mechanisms that hide our authentic self and prevent us from being fully engaged with ourselves, our partner and in our life as a whole. This keeps us from being fully alive!
Our defense mechanisms show up in the form of being passive-aggressive, aggressive, angry, controlling, obsessive, pursuing, shut-down, and a multitude of other ways that prevent us from being in connection with our loved ones. The kicker is that partners usually have opposite defense mechanisms that tend to trigger, hurt, each other further.
For example, let’s say that Jane needs attention and security and to get it she controls and obsesses. She is married to John, who needs freedom and validation and to get it he withdraws and acts passive-aggressively. When Jane wants attention from John, she demands things, asks a lot of questions, becomes critical and bossy. This makes John want more space and so he withdraws further, making Jane come after him more.
And so, their pattern, cycle, dynamic goes. They keep this perpetual cycle until, if and when, they figure out what is behind their behavior and each works to give the other what they need. Until they become conscious and mindful in their relating.
This is challenging to do, because each partner is looking to get what they want and has difficulties giving what the other partner wants. Each is trying to meet their own needs and is stuck in that perspective. When neither budges, and they continue to hurt the other in their pursuit of getting their own needs met, they get stuck in a power struggle.
This is a very painful place. Partners hurt each other in their quest to be OK. They too are imperfect in their relating. Trust keeps getting eroded.
This situation gets to a critical point when in their unconsciousness partners use their defense mechanisms to an extreme inflicting additional trauma on their partner. Trust in relationship and in stuck dynamics is subject to many tests, but when exposed to extreme negative treatment (i.e., violence, abuse, cheating) it cannot withstand the impacts of the trauma.
It is imperative for partners to change the focus of their attention from what their partner is not doing for them or how their partner is hurting them, to what they are not doing for their partner and how they are hurting their partner. No matter how much pain they are in, partners need to see how they contribute to their stuck dynamic and change their contribution to it.
When the partners’ focus changes and they are both doing for each other from a more giving, nurturing, accepting and unconditional loving place, they are finally creating safety for each other, meeting each others’ needs, and developing and safeguarding their trust.
The partners are fully engaged; they bring their authentic selves to their relating, and are in connection. They are conscious and mindful. They are healing, growing, and contributing. They are becoming more fully alive!
Happy Trusting and Living!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
For the next two days, closely observe what you do that bothers your partner. At the end of your observation period, invite your partner to a Connecting Session. Make it fun and safe:
1. Share three things you noticed bothered them in the past two days 2. Take a guess as to why it bothered them 3. Have your partner correct any wrong interpretations 4. For every interpretation you got right, they get to request a cute and small gesture from you that tickles their fancy.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Does your partner support you, romance you, engage you, enliven you, energize you, seduce you? Is your partner there?
When couples are not on the same page, they tend to drift apart. They fight a lot, don’t feel each other, and don’t get their needs met. Partners appear invisible or have a negative presence.
This becomes a way of relating where partners are resentful, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, alone and hopeless. They perceive each other as noncaring, selfish, self-centered and absorbed, unapproachable and unlovable. They don’t operate as a partnership or as allies but as opponents or enemies. They have a tit-for-tat mentality or a very self-indulgent mentality where they are only focused on how to get their needs met.
When the focus is all on having our own needs met and we don’t validate our partner’s perspective and efforts, we become entrenched in an individualistic modus operandi which underminds couplehood.
It is a difficult choice to make to get out of our shoes and into our partner’s for a second and see how they might be perceiving the situation, how they feel and what they need. But when this is done and our partner feels heard and significant, they stop running and turn around and actually look at us. They are now open to seeing and feeling us and relating differently.
This is how we invite change from our partner. We show them they matter and that we care for them on their terms not ours. This opens the lines of communication and new relating. Here is the chance to get your needs met. This is where you get on the same page and establish a strong foundation for continued satisfying relating.
When you have your partner’s openminded-attention engage them by stating how you feel when they do uncaring behaviors and not how you see or perceive them and their actions. This is engaging and not attacking keeping your partner’s attention. Then tell them how you want them to change the behavior, giving them concrete behavior change choices and ask them to choose one.
This gets couples on the same page. Couples get to share where they are at and how the partner can help without alienating them. This allows couples to respond to each other without reacting. This gets couples to meet each other’s needs. This is how they break the impasse and the fighting cycle.
When partners are not attacking each other, are not angry and resentful, and they understand where their partner is coming from and are resolving conflicts and meeting each other’s needs, they enter a new level of relating.
This is where the juices of satisfying relating get going. Partners become interested and curious about each other, they miss each other, they want and pursue each other. This is where romancing and seducing come in. This is where affection and lovemaking come in. This is where laughter, humor and childish fun come in. This is the gravy of relationships.
So, stop killing yourself trying to get your needs met and instead meet your partner’s (how they want them met and not your way…) inviting them to receive you with open arms and an open heart!
Happy “Gravying”!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner about things they want, wish and dream of. Ask them what role you play in making those happen. What specific behaviors does that entail and what other needs do they have that you can fulfill? Unconditionally start meeting your partner’s needs the way they want them met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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