Is lack of trust undermining your connection with your partner and wrecking havoc in your relationship? Lack of trust might extend to beliefs that your partner is cheating. Or it can be as simple as not trusting your partner to be there, follow through, keep their word, be accountable, get your back, do the right thing by you, be mindful, thoughtful, and honorable.
The level of distrust has to do with our own insecurities, but also the level of our partner showing up authentically. When we both address our side of the coin this becomes a non-issue!
As usual, we start with what we contribute to the cocreation of the relationship. What we are doing, or not doing, to create the interactions that leave us dissatisfied. Are we controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in our approach to the situation, or in general in our relating, that doesn’t allow our partner to show up? Ouch!
Think about this. When we operate from this place, we are insufferable and suffocating! No wonder our partner gets shifty… Of course this is not to excuse them, but to understand and start making adjustments to get what we desire.
I see this ALL the time. When we try to get our needs met, share our preferences and make requests with this attitude and approach, we are cornering our partner. This leaves them to “yes” us, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises they can’t keep, avoid us, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.).
This does not mean we are responsible for our partner’s choices… This just sheds some light into the cocreation of our patterns…
The way to change this is very simple. I’ve seen incredible immediate changes made by partners as soon as they adjusted their approach. Not only do we need to address what we contribute to this pattern, but we also need to address what our partner contributes… And, we do this not by beating on them but by setting proper boundaries. Voila!
Therefore, the key to changing this pattern is to own our self and not own our partner, and to get what we desire from our partner through appropriate boundary setting. Remember the Ownership Guidelines™: We cannot tell another how to be, think, feel, or behave and all derivatives of this.
We can only clarify, challenge, and own our own beliefs, expectations, preferences, wishes, feelings, actions, and such. Then we can use them to inform a clean approach (non of the dirty behaviors mentioned above) in the interactions with our partner.
The initial focus needs to be on cleaning up our act. Then we can address the boundary setting. It is challenging to set proper boundaries when we are not clean… In a nutshell, boundary setting has to do with making appropriate and mindful requests to get our needs met… For example, “I would prefer that when we address a concern or have a disagreement that we don’t raise our voices. It really jars me, triggers me, making me more reactive.
I would like it if we could be mindful not to escalate. So, going forward, when things start getting too intense for me in a disagreement, I will ask to pause our discussion to get a breather. How do you prefer that I ask for that so I don’t upset you, trigger you, in turn? And, how long of a breather do you think we’d usually need? I think I’d need XX, how about you?”
After, that is agreed upon, “If I find that I’m feeling in need of a breather, I will alert youso we can regroup and stay engaged. But if after a few minutes we continue on a path too intense for me, I will ask for a breather. If my request for a breather is not honored, please know that then I will disengage from the interaction as lovingly as I can, and will come back after the XX time we agreed on.”
This approach of stating a request or preference, the purpose or reasoning, the behavior or approach modification desired, and mindful agreement can be used to set boundaries in a multitude of circumstances.
So, building trust is an inside job… Once we Clean Our Side of the Coin™, make appropriate requests, and set proper boundaries to meet our needs we are setting up our partner for cooperation. This creates a mutually respectful space where trust is a given. Give it a shot, start by owning your Self.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Trusting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Which do you do in your relationship? Are you controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in your approach to the situation, or in general in your relating, that doesn’t allow your partner to show up?
Do you “yes” your partner, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises you can’t keep, avoid your partner, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.)?
Identify which dirty behaviors you use. If not sure, take a couple of days to catch yourself in doing them or thinking them! Then, work on eradicating them from your repertoire… The faster and cleaner the job the greater the impact on your relationship and more immediate the results you’ll notice. Have fun, it’s completely empowering… Enjoy! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m familiar with relationship struggles. I’ve had my share, obviously I’m not exempt, and this is what I work with day-in and day-out. I’m pretty intimate with the nuances of what troubles partners and what gets them stuck. For reasons that are beyond the scope of this article, I love working with couples. Couples are my passion. I’m intrigued by them and care about their wellbeing.
Through witnessing so much pain and suffering, despair and hopelessness, and partners throwing their hands up in the air surrendering to what appears an insurmountable challenge, I was able to formulate a process to assist them get past this and thrive.
Time and again couples present with patterns and approach to their partner and relationship that undermine their satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing and ability to create and enjoy their awesome relationship.
The process is just amazing. Couples have created their new relationship in just a few sessions! But not all couples are the same, and I find that it’s not the number of sessions that count but the ability of the partners to embrace the process and their growth and healing journey…
The process constitutes 10 Strategies I have identified as fundamental to creating an awesome relationship. Most couples that struggle usually need assistance with the first 5 Strategies. They are the building blocks to creating awesomeness.
As we are coming off the Valentine’s Day hype and the pressure for enhanced romance, steamy passion and having a dreamy relationship, I want to reassure you that you are not alone if you are feeling a bit blue and stuck in your relationship… I’m giving you a huge virtual hug if you are in need of some loving, and a gift of the First Five Fundamental Strategies™ to help you start cranking change in your relationship!
Warning: Do not try these if you prefer to stay stuck… – Set Up Proper Boundaries and a Healthy Relationship Structure – Fully show up, own yourself and become accountable. Set proper boundaries, expectations, roles, and rules. Clean your interactions and approach to each other – respect, courtesy and mindfulness go a long way.
– Transform Relationship Patterns to Heal, Repair and Build Trust – Understand what’s driving the hot buttons in your relationship. Understand how yours and your partner’s buttons are a perfect match for keeping you stuck… Invest in not triggering your partner and in appropriately getting your needs met.
– Set Up a Strong Communication and Conflict Management System – Create and honor a Fighting Fair Code™. Set up safe conversation times to address issues, concerns or intense topics. Set each other up for cooperation. Set up transparency and accountability mechanisms.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Mindset Keeping You Stuck – Gentle your inner critic, clean your yucky thinking and take control of your mind! Move from an ego-led (fear-based) to a heart-led (love-based) approach to your relationship. Address assumptions, recurring themes and limiting scripts.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Feelings Keeping You Stuck – Feel and manage your feelings (anxiety and depression are only symptoms…). Self-regulate and self-soothe. Establish a sustainable self-care routine.
The approach to implementing the Strategies is not black and white. You can juggle a couple at the same time as the investments will tend to overlap. You can be fluid and flexible as long as you keep your eye on the ball! I would recommend picking one or two to focus on and give it your all.
The more you put in, the more you get out. Remember that insight and knowledge is not enough. You have to take action on these. Go crank and create change!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Cranking! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Decide what area of your relationship needs attention: – Establishing Boundaries, Ownership and Accountability – Changing Patterns and Getting Needs Met – Improving Communication and Conflict Resolution – Upleveling Your Relationship Mindset and Changing Debilitating Scripts – Increasing Self-Management, Regulating and Soothing (to reduce reactivity…) Pick three actions you will do this week to address your area of need… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Romance is not just for Valentine’s Day! Romance adds spice, texture and color to life. Unfortunately, most of us don’t utilize this much in our life and relationship. We get too comfortable and busy… This is probably one of the hardest muscle to exercise unless you are in the dating world, and even then you might feel challenged.
I hear all the time from my single clients (yes, I do also work with single persons and individuals on attracting love and having an awesome relationship) how difficult it is to figure out what would tickle another person.
The thing is they go about this from an egocentric approach. They wonder how they’ll get their soul mate, and get their needs met… And, partners in relationship wonder the same thing, How can they turn their partner into their soul mate! Of course they don’t go consciously about it this way, but this is their end game. To say that this is the wrong approach is obviously an understatement.
Therefore, I will show you how to exercise your romance muscle to help you attract your “soul mate” if you are dating and help you tickle your partner if you are in a relationship. Ready?
So, the goal is not really to find your “soul mate” and obviously not to turn your partner into your soul mate.
The goal is to become soul mate material! Yes, take a second to digest that… This journey is not about finding or having the right person but about Being the right person, Being YOU… For when you are you, you will attract and create awesomeness…
How do you measure up in the Being Fabulous department? Yes, at your core you are fabulous, but are you owning your fabulousness? Or are you walking around with defense mechanisms and less than attractive qualities that actually repel others, including your partner? This is where it all starts, with you. When you show up with your fabulous Self all else is a walk in the park.
Here is to empowering you, to bringing out your swag, and to exercising your romantic muscle to dazzle your partner, or love interest, and sweep them off their feet:
Blessing Tokens™ – Choose a beautiful bowl (whatever is beautiful to you pending on your gender and style) to hold your tokens. Capture the Blessings in your life in writing on the tokens: index cards, cardboard, paper, stickies without the sticky part, construction paper, wood blocks, tiles, stones, etc.
You can make them as fancy as you like. And add them to your bowl to display. Create extra blank tokens to keep adding blessings. Everyday, pick and read a token to activate the gratefulness center of your brain… and to be reminded of the abundance in your life. Post pics of your finished product (#blessingtokens). I would love to see it, feel free to tag me.
Soulful Dates™ – On the first Sunday of the month, pick two hours per week where you get to have special “Me Time.” Block off the time and make arrangements to have this time honored.
During this time, read an inspiring book or listen to inspiring programs or other audio material, attend a prayer group, meditate, attend a religious service, do yoga, get a massage or other body treatment, tinker with your plants or in your garden, journal, do any other self growth and development, spiritual or self care activity that nurtures and replenishes you. Would love to hear about your Soulful Dates – tweet me at @emmakviglucci (#soulfuldate)!
Brilliance Infusion™– Every morning before you start your day, select an empowering descriptive characteristic that you’d like to embrace for the day. Create a positive affirmation with it to keep as a running mantra in your head throughout the day. Infuse your brain with your Brilliance.
For example, Alluring – “I am magnetic, passionate, and inviting. I attract and create amazing experiences with my partner.” Share your Infusion and inspire others! (#brillianceinfusion)
Swag Board™– You can have a ton of fun with this one. Create a Vision Board, or you can use a Pinterest Board (look me up)!, to assemble images that represent Swag to you. These can include outfits you like, shoes, accessories, hobbies and interests, hair cuts and styles, sunglasses, decorative items for your home, special outing or place to visit, art, fancy cars and other toys, people you admire, etc.
Anything that if you had it or emulated would make you feel cool. Experiment, get your juices flowing, and grab your Style! Sit with your Style as if you already have it. Feel your Swag. Bring that feeling to your day, everyday! (#swagboard)
Tickle Box™ – This is an incubator where you get to generate the connection, the fun, the romance, the experiences… Find a box that talks to you. It can be rustic, it can be frilly. You can grab a shoebox and decorate it. Cover it with newspaper or satin fabric. This is your box, give it your personality.
Or, you can make a virtual “box”! Use this box to collect sexy and romantic ideas and resources like trendy restaurants, perfect gifts, ultimate experiences, songs, delightful treats, great websites, activities, outings, whatever grabs your fancy. This is your fun, excitement, and romance generating box.
The more you put in, the more you’ll get out. This is your go to place to create awesome energy and for creating romance. Do share the treasures you find! (#ticklebox)
Use these tools to get in touch with your Self, to bring your Fabulous Self out to play, to create your brand of swag and blow your partner away with your brilliance and awesomeness. Have them coming back for more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this post? Please share your takeaways below! Happy Dazzling! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Plan a romantic gesture for this weekend for your partner regardless of Valentine’s Day: Bake a heart shaped cake Cook their favorite meal Wear that outfit they love… Put on something sexy and invite them to play… Get a special treat outside your traditional chocolate.
Get a ravishing bouquet of flowers outside your traditional roses Make a bouquet of flowers (check out Pinterest for ideas!) Send them on a scavenger hunt that ends up with you as the price… Write them a poem Give the a list of 10 Things You Love About Them Dedicate a song to them Name a star after them Plan a date in front of your fireplace … Get your creative juices going… Have a Romantic Weekend! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s amazing how many partners know their partner loves them, but they still don’t feel loved… This is actually kind of an epidemic… Couples struggle because they get stuck in power struggles. They let their Ego get in the way. They approach their situation from a reactive and self-preservation place that only puts their partner in the defensive or offensive. Not allowing them to be open, responsive, or caring and able to meet their needs as desired.
This plays out on a repeating loop for partners. Where both partners are trying to be seen, heard, understood, accepted and taken cared-of but where neither is at the end of their interactions. Neither partner ends up feeling heard, understood, accepted and never mind loved.
This is the result of poor exchanges that are laden with unresolved past hurts and unclean belief systems and thought processes… The repeating loop becomes pervasive. Creating a general feeling of dissatisfaction for the partners even though they have everything it takes to have an awesome relationship!
I want you to get in touch with your Knowing that your partner Loves you. Go ahead, take a few deep breaths and get in touch with that. It shouldn’t be too difficult, like I mentioned this is usually a given for most. After, you have that easily accessible, I want you to think about a typical scenario where you end up not feeling loved… Take a moment to conjure this up.
Now, this is the tricky part… I want you to become the observer of that moment… Remove your self as the protagonist and just observe the interaction… I want you to use your Heart lens as you process what you see… Leave your Ego, logic, protection, expectations, judgment, and any scripts out of it…
Just take a look at the moment as if you were a third party looking in… Heck, let’s do a little experiment… Look at the exchange as if you were Me, Emma, looking at it (how tricky is that?!)… Sit with that…
What do you think I would see? How would I see each of you? How would I interpret, assess, translate what is happening in the moment? Would I say you are each right about? What would I point out you are each actually trying to do in your interaction…? Take a deep breath… Sit with that…
[If you are not sure about my take because you are not too familiar with my work yet, then use a best friend in my place above. Select a friend that is able to be neutral, nonjudgmental and wise…]
Now, look at it again and see if you can see that for yourself… Please put your Ego in check, and keep looking at this with your Heart. Do you see what your partner is doing, their intention? Sometimes their intention is not as honorable as I’m leading with here… Sometimes their intention is only to protect themselves… But, see if you can see that… And, stop looking at it as if your partner is trying to extinguish you…
Remember, the 80/20 rule – 80% of the interaction is about us and only 20% about our partner, and vise versa… This means, that when your partner is being their most jerky self – it’s because they are in pain or in self preservation mode… It’s not about you!
Once, you are in touch with all this, if you had a hard time keep trying ‘till you get this…, then look at the exchange again and see what you could have done differently… What would have given you different results? What would have kept your partner engaged and responsive?
How could you have gone about this differently? What would have gotten your needs met? This is your Stretch. This is your growth place. This applies to all your situations… This is how you crack your code… This is how you get to Feel the Love…
It’s time to take a risk. It’s time to be all in. It’s time to crack the code. I know you can do it. I’m with you in Spirit. Go for it. Give it a try! Feel the Love!!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Loving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Take your calendar out. Pick two hours you can devote to your partner… Use that time to plan a magnificent date with your partner… Use this time to brainstorm, do research, check out things, place orders, make reservations, choose an outfit, whatever it takes.
Go all out to show your partner you think about them, cherish them and want to show them a great time. This is your chance to use your Relationship Enrichment Skills and Resources! Be Passionate, Be Romantic, Be Loving! Have a fabulous date!! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
There is more to us than meets the eyes… We have an internal world operating at all times that we are vaguely aware of. Some people are totally out of touch with theirs… The more we become acquainted with our own Self and all it’s aspects, needs and desires the more we can be our Authentic Self and create our Authentic Life and Awesome Relationship.
Because we might not be very aware or proactive about the health and wellbeing of our internal world, we might not be in the best shape to actually create the Life we desire. When we are clueless or in the know but not proactive, we neglect aspects of our care, maintenance and sustenance that eventually lead to breakdown.
Just like we clean house, go to the dentist, and do oil changes our inner world also needs routine care and attention. When we don’t invest in learning about our Self and our inner world, upkeeping and upleveling its functioning, and implementing best ways to show up in the outside world, we are leaving things to chance, bad habits and mishaps.
Lack of intention, attention, planning and implementation leads to malfunctioning cars, cavities, dirty houses, toxin laden bodies prone to illness and poor aging, and relationship dissatisfaction and break-ups. This is what living an unintentional and winging-it style to life gives you.
This is actually not living life, life is happening to you… You are not its Master and Designer. This is the way to go through life struggling because you are not in charge. If you are not the driver, you will never get to your desired destination. Being the driver includes choosing the destination, acquiring a well functioning mode of transportation and a road map. Now, that’s the Trip!
In this case the vehicle is our body and mind… It is our absolute responsibility to make sure that both are in optimal shape!!! It is up to us to ensure our Trip is awesome and that we make our destination. Now is the time to detox both your mind and your body of any unwanted toxicity lingering from foods and other ingested substances, poor mindset and mental hygiene, and unaddressed emotional pain.
Detox Your Body: Most things we ingest are not good for us. We are killing ourselves with food… Unless of course you are really mindful and intentional of what you eat and otherwise consume. But even still the body develops a deposit of toxins that get more and more sludgy and burden the body.
The more burdened the body is the less optimal it’s digestion, cleansing, rejuvenation and other functions. This is how we become ill and age poorly. If you don’t already have a cleansing regimen, now is the time to look into this. Explore your options. Decide to clean your body and make it beautiful from the inside out. Here is a book, philosophy, approach I live by:Clean.
Detox Your Mind: When left to its own devices, our mind is our worst enemy! Its conscious, subconscious and unconscious mechanisms can wreck havoc in our life if we don’t take charge of them. It is our job to mind our internal mental world, upgrade its programs, and rewire its functioning.
Our triggers, wounds and emotional baggage clog our unconscious mind with unresolved emotional issues, our belief system litters our subconscious mind with unintentional debilitating programming, and our Ego, negative thoughts, and poor mindset undermine our conscious approach to life and our relationship. If you want to be the Master of your Universe you need to align your 3 minds, actively manage them and put them on course to serve you.
Here is work by a colleague that is amazing at rewiring the brain…: Dan Siegel – Brain Lesson on YouTube. When you are “clean” you ensure your most optimal performance level and ability to create to your Heart’s content. Make a Commitment to having an awesome Trip and reaching your Destination.
Set the intention to lead a Clean life. Decide what you need to do to make sure you get and stay Clean. Invest on this now, invest in your Self now, to make sure this happens!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Establish a Cleansing Practice™. Body: Select times of year when you want to do a “cleanse / detox” program. Schedule them into your calendar. After Holidays it’s a good time… Select two foods / substances that are not clean that you will eliminate from your diet. Keep eliminating bad things until you are ingesting primarily clean substances most of the time.
Mind: Select a new tool to implement to help you declutter, clean and rewire your brain: meditation, affirmations, vision board, prayer, visualization, self-hypnosis, appreciations, stop-thought-technique, rewriting dirty thoughts, sending others loving vibes, etc. Integrate this tool into your daily routine. Integrate others over time for a full on amazing brain. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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