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How to Reprogram the Patterns Keeping You Stuck in Your Relationship

How to Reprogram the Patterns Keeping You Stuck in Your Relationship

by

Even with the best of intentions, and even if we activate full grind and grit mode, sometimes we just can’t make the changes we want… This is because everything we do in our relationship and our life is actually driven by underlying programming. We can force this all we want, but ultimately the changes don’t stick if the driving patterns are not also changed. So, let’s focus on deprogramming these presets.

We are talking about unconscious and subconscious patterns…

~ Where the unconscious patterns are more visceral, emotional, wiring, and structural of our embodied nervous system… A mind-body connection. Not directly accessible.

~ And where the subconscious patterns are more of a mental and feeling nature, a product of the mind. It includes fears, limiting beliefs, meaning systems, personal narratives, and the like. These can be accessed when we tune in with deepened awareness. 

Our job is to identify what’s not working in our life and address it from a deprogramming perspective, not just a behavioral and action taking one. 

The more superficial level depends on sheer willpower and discipline, which we know ebbs and flows depending what’s going on in our life and our priorities.

But a deeper approach is more systemic. Once we deprogram, change the preset, everything automatically flows from there with no additional effort or input from us. Ahh…  

This is how we truly level up and create the relationship and life we love- not through effort but by resetting the system underneath it all. You with me?

Deprogramming the Layers

When our programs don’t get a proper upgrade, they keep running outdated scripts. Those scripts trigger defenses that reinforce the very patterns we are trying to change. That’s how we get stuck even when we’re doing all the work

The most common dynamic we see in couples is the pursuer-distancer, maximizer-minimizer, relational overfunctioner-underfunctioner, or simply the codependence pattern… 

The names vary, but the flavor is the same of how couples keep cycling through conflict and disconnection in their relationship. 

This is the new codependence, not necessarily tied to recovery like it was at its inception…

This pattern is driven by a low sense of self and programs of insecurities, unworthiness, fear of abandonment, or feeling not good enough, shame, controlled or suffocated. All developed due to less-than-perfect-caregiving growing up…

The Codependence Pattern in Action

The Pursuer – They need reassurance and connection to feel safe or their abandonment and unworthiness wounds get triggered (Usually core female energy partner, core need is connection) 

~~ They – Nag, complain, over explain, are very emotive, chase, control, are manipulative

The Distancer – They need acknowledgment and appreciation to feel confident and strong or their not-good enough and shame wounds get triggered (Usually core male energy partner, core need is freedom) 

~~ They – Dismiss, hold it in, not very verbal, shut down, distance, gaslight, are passive aggressive

Note: We all have both sets of energies so this is not so black-and-white and both apply to us to some extent… 

The Unconscious Deprogramming

The Pursuer – Heal abandonment and worthiness wounds by not abandoning themselves… Taking care of themselves, their needs, self-soothing and self-regulating, nurturing and pampering themselves. 

~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with nurturing and pampering, Fathering with protection and security

The Distancer – Heal not-good-enoughness and shame wounds by acknowledging themselves… Taking note and being proud of their strengths, uniqueness, accomplishments and achievements. 

~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with compliments and praise, Fathering with structure and discipline

The Subconscious Deprogramming

The Pursuer – Deconditioning fears, beliefs and stories about being left, not being wanted, being alone, having to take care of everything, not being able to count on others, distrust, being unlovable, being too much, being too needy

The Distancer – Deconditioning fears, believes and stories about being controlled, suffocated, trapped, not good enough, not measuring up, feeling behind in life, being unsuccessful, being used or taken advantage of, not being appreciated or valued

~~ Updating Meaning Systems – Do reality checks being mindful of confirmation bias, look for the exemptions, focus on and cultivate what does work or meets your needs, check for secondary gains- what do you get out of something not working…

Upleveling the Relationship

The Pursuer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for togetherness and connection without being controlling and triggering your partner’s wounds of feeling trapped, without throwing them in a cage  

The Distancer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for separateness and freedom without being evasive and aloof or distant and triggering your partner’s wound of feeling abandoned, without throwing them off a precipice

This addresses a couple’s main theme and pattern. Of course, each couple and partners are unique– so apply this to your situation as you see best. 

~~ And then you integrate all the Conscious work… 

~ The aligning on values and setting boundaries
~ The improving communication skills and tools
~ The intentionally meeting your own and each other’s needs 
~ The building connection and intimacy
~ The implementing systems for a smooth collaboration and strong partnership 

If we want to level up our life and our relationship, we have to change the preset that’s maintaining the status quo. 

No matter how much effort we put in to changing our behavior, habits and circumstances, if we don’t change the underlying programming, all our work will eventually revert back to the established preset… 

Identify which part of the dynamics you usually land in and commit to addressing the driving programming to change your preset. This is how you’ll create sustainable and lasting change. Here is to your upleveled relationship! 

Happy Deprogramming…

With Much Love & Light!

 

JUST FOR YOU

This Month’s Activating Protocol – coming shortly:

Finally Resolve the Repeating Patterns, Gift Your Relationship the Next Version of You

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RESOURCES

~~ Watch our related videos on our YouTube channel

~~ Download our Changing Codependence Patterns Checklist to identify the flavor of yours and start deprogramming it!  

 

PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?

Interested in Couple Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, Individual Therapy or Support Sessions?

We can help with our private and group memberships:
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   Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com. 

Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple…

Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple…

by

It is not uncommon for couples to have the same recurring issues and arguments… If partners are not intentional and proactive about addressing the underlying reasons for these, they will continue to have them…

Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple… Banging around unconscious as to who you really are, what really is driving you, what you really want and how this impacts interactions with your partner, is a sure way to create a dissatisfying relationship and mediocre life. Ouch!

Is this how you want to live your life?

Unless we’ve done personal development work, we all walk around with most of ourselves unknown to ourselves. Isn’t that something?

We have unconscious and subconscious mechanisms at work that inform most of who we are and influence most of what we do… A minuscule of our experience actually happens in our conscious mind…

The subconscious mechanism has to do with how our mind works… We can identify our unsupportive scripts, negative narratives, biases, fears, and limiting believes and address them. We can focus on reducing our Negativity Bias.

The unconscious mechanism has to do with how our embodied-brain works… We can identify/infer our wounds, emotional programming, and physiological responses and address them.

How we were raised and what we experienced growing up influenced our embodied-brain development, our sense of self and our impression and experience of the world…

Left unexplored, we are only aware of and know a small percentage of ourselves and how we experience the world…

The world, our reality, is not a static knowable objective truth to boot… If we are ignorant about our Reality, and take everything we think and experience at face value, we are in for a rude awakening…

Our thoughts are not who we are and what the word is… We can’t believe everything we think!

This is where partners get into trouble. Partners sensitivities might get poked by the mere being of the other person and their imperfections.

  • They make assumptions and assign motives as to what they are perceiving.
  • Their interpretations are influenced by their limited and unexplored knowledge of themselves.
  • They rely on their senses and their logic to interpret an interaction and experience their partner and their relationship.
  • And, their senses and logic as limited as they are, they are usually additionally compromised for whatever reason.

When understanding interactions and relationships from this concept, it is really a marvel that people are able to have any sort of good relationships… The whole thing is a constant moving target!

Luckily our brain doesn’t like open loops, questions, and the unknown. I say luckily because then it looks for patterns and responds accordingly, this is useful. Otherwise, it is not great that the brain fills in the blanks with whatever it needs to reassure itself or prove itself right… This continues the virtual reality and veil we live with…

But, working with patterns allows us to plant the flag somewhere, address the experience we are having, and give us the ability to do something about it…

 

Working with the Unconscious Mind

 

I usually tackle this topic from the unconscious perspective, as this is where a lot of our programming happened growing up. This is when we literally wired our embodied-brain that’s now used to sense and perceive the world around us… (Element3 of The Strategy, of course addressing our conscious mindset and subconscious, is super important and a priority as well – Element1 of The Strategy)

In interactions with our caregivers we formulated our neuropathways and developed and integrated the structures of our brain. When our interactions were less-than-perfect (because no caregiver person is perfect), we wired ourselves according to the experience that now informs our sensitivities…

We have a filter that is on the lookout for preventing the same pain… The brain is amazing at this. Put the brain on something and it’ll find it, it’ll look for an answer to whatever question, and work on closing any open loops.

Therefore, if we have a theme of a certain kind of parenting growing up that scarred us in some way, the brain will latch on to that pattern…

It is imperative that we are aware of how our brain works so it doesn’t trip us up!

 

Changing the Patterns

It is our job to discover what is the pattern we keep playing out. What is our brain looking for? What keeps triggering us? How do we respond in the face of this experience that perpetuates the cycle? And in turn, how does this interact with our partner’s sensitivities? How are we co-creating our reality…?

Once we identify what is triggering us ongoingly, we can translate that pain, feeling, wound, into a need. What is the message of the feeling we are feeling? What do we need to give to ourselves to meet the need? What mindful and respectful requests can we make of our partner to help us meet our needs?

And of course, we reciprocate. When they get triggered, we try to understand what might be happening for them. We check if we are understanding them (we don’t run with assumptions!). We ask what we can offer to help them meet their needs. We can have conversations about patterns, needs, and meeting them… It just requires intentionally.

Note, I set this up from the perspective of one partner. These interactions are much easier if our partner has similar awareness and motivation to work on themselves and the relationship. But note that they don’t have to, partners get stuck on this. When we focus on what we do and how we show up, we can create change… We are not at their mercy!

 

APPLICATION: Take inventory of the theme of your recurring issues, arguments and fights…

  • What keeps coming up for you?
  • What keeps getting triggered?
  • What are the feelings/emotions?
  • What are your feelings telling you?
  • What are the driving needs behind the feelings?
  • How can you go about self-agenting to meet your needs while remaining mindful of your partner and their need and respectful in your approach?

 

We have to take responsibility of our own experience and how we co-create our reality… This self-agency allows us to create the relationship and life we desire…

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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