Do you find that your relationship and life appear to be on pause? Do you feel like you’ve been in a hamster’s wheel? Does it feel like you are always back to square one, like you can’t get ahead, like life is passing you by? Does it feel like your relationship is not going anywhere? This is a very common feeling in some people’s lives and their relationship. This is experiencing Inertia.
Inertia is stuck energy that results from built-up resentment and anger, unspoken truths and unaddressed shame. This is the black hole that sucks up all your energy and resources – your very life. This is the antithesis of growth and healing. It behooves us to have the guts to open up and share our fears and vulnerabilities.
It behooves us to share our secrets. It behooves us to speak our mind, address our concerns, and get our needs met for if we don’t we are throwing our life away.
It takes courage to identify the source of our discomfort, discontent and pain. It takes greater courage to hold it, share it and address it. This is no easy feat. The challenge is that the status quo, as dissatisfying as it might be, is actually easier to deal with.
Changing patterns, growing and healing require work, consistent and dedicated work. The situation could be likened to a rubber band – you can stretch it but it always goes back. Only until it passes a critical point, where it gives, does it stay stretched.
The hint of the day is to keep at it and not to be discouraged when old patterns show up. Rome was not built in a day. The consistent effort will ensure that the changes sought happen and stick – for once placed in their new framework they will remain.
In the midst of all this work lurks ambivalence, uncertainty, fear, and pain; but if you are one of the lucky ones that can see the big picture, for you there is also elation, strength, and hope for you see the possibilities.
The transition from being stuck to living your authentic life is laborious, treacherous and full of snares. Transcend this and experience the promise of what is to come. Focus on the possibilities. Envision what you deserve and so it shall be.
Happy Stretching & Growing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
As you start owning your Self and your life, and start holding your own and addressing concerns with loved ones, you will encounter resistance from your Self and others. This is the time to be gentle and caring to your Self, and responsively and lovingly hold your ground. Put a lot of self care in place for your Self and your relationship.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are asked and begged to be Mindful by our partner. More often than not we hear their plea as a complaint or criticism. We do not recognize their cry for connection and love. This is because they might not have the language or know how to ask us to be in connection with them.
They might instead indeed complain that we are not around, too busy, distracted, controlling, demanding, etc. But all they are saying is, “I can’t feel you. Please show the real you to me.”
Wow! Can you imagine our partner actually asking the real us to show up to our interactions! We might not know how to respond to that. Do we know who the real us is? If our partner is complaining that we are not available, however they do that, then they have experienced a disconnect with us and are having a relationship with our Defense Mechanisms. Ugly! Not for nothing they are complaining.
Pay attention to what is behind your partner’s complaint. Whether they appear to be asking for togetherness or space, underneath it all is the need to feel understood, gotten, connected and loved. Go figure!
Pay attention to how you are approaching your partner and how you are responding to their request for connection. Are you relating with your Defense Mechanism and not your true self? When we operate from our defense mechanism place we are not very attractive.
Pay attention to what you are bringing forth. Is this how you would describe yourself as a person? Is this what you would put on your resume? Is this what you want on your eulogy? It is unfortunate that we do not put our best foot forth in our relationship. We do not give of our true self and show the real us in our relationship. We are short changing ourselves and our partner!
Notice and welcome the invitation to show up to your relationship. Give a positive RSVP to being Mindful and Present in your relationship. Stop squandering yourself by Doing and channel your Being into your relating. Be with your partner. Get a chance to experience exhilaration and joy!
Happy Being!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
It is time to decide to be Mindful. Your life and relationship depend on it. Explore this concept with your partner and choose one behavior each that you will do to start Being more Present in your relationship.
Copyright (c) 2008-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I learned to listen to my husband’s wishes. This might sound simple and easy to do, and even a given, right? But it’s not. It’s common for partners to give and do for each other what they’d like for themselves. Just this week I was talking with a client who does not like to make a fuss over her birthday so she doesn’t make one over her husband’s either, when the he actually wants a fuss!
I wish, my husband likes to fly under the radar also. I’ve learned to respect and honor that. I’ve learned not to embarrass him with undo attention and lavish gifts. It makes him uncomfortable. So, why would I celebrate him and gift him in that way? Who am I really gifting then…?
This works both ways. Whoever wants the fuss, should get the fuss. Whoever wants a modest acknowledgement, should get a modest acknowledgement. Who are we to tell our partner what would make them feel good, how they should celebrate and what kind of birthday, or whatever, they should have?
I see so much pain caused by these impositions. Partners’ refuse to do right by their partner… It’s their way or the highway, never mind their partner’s wishes. Yikes!
Partners also get hang up on fairness. They play the tit-for-tat game. If I do this, YOU have to do this. If it doesn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother you. I’m OK with it, why aren’t you? If I am mindful of this, you should be mindful of this. And, on and on. Fairness is overrated! There is no such thing as fair in relationship.
There will be such things as when one does more than the other, one makes more than the other, one invest more or better than the other, etc. Such is life. If you are both committed, trying and investing you are in good shape.
Don’t get hang up on the details of it all. It’s just noise, minutia and irrelevant life content. You each contribute in your own unique and necessary way… Don’t quantify your investment. Don’t Do in your relationship, Be in your relationship.
And, it’s definitely OK to have double standards! Yes, that’s right. Please read this carefully. This is a huge thing for couples. Partner’s get hang up on justness, rightness, equality, balance, and such in their relating. They worry about how come some rules apply to one and not the other. And, this might be the case for you as well. So, there are two ways to go about this. One, when a rule is made, it applies to both partners.
The one that really cares about the rule, and the other. Both partners agree to abide by this rule. The one that doesn’t particularly love or agree or need the rule complies to meet the partner’s need. Two, when a rule is made, it applies to only one partner.
One partner does a certain behavior, even if they don’t particularly care to, again as an investment. They don’t have the same need, so they don’t require the same behavior of their partner.
The theme here is to stretch and to go out of our way to meet our partner’s needs… Partner’s usually go about this the opposite way. They are all about their own selves, ego driven, thoughtless, uncaring, and selfish. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT encouraging selflessness! I’m encouraging Love…
So, make sure you understand where you both stand on your “rules”. Explore these. What are the wishes, preferences, expectations, guidelines, contracts and agreements that you are each to follow in order to be attuned, connected, safe, synchronized, on the same page, together, and partnering effortlessly?
Don’t impose your wishes for your partner on your partner, they can have their own wishes! Express yours mindfully and respectfully without trumping your partner’s.
Stay open minded, creative, resourceful, giving, compassionate, accepting and forgiving. Both your needs then get met…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Meeting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify an area such as celebrating, planning, eating, cleaning, connecting, investing, parenting, dressing, exercising, or whatever, where you have been out of sync or where there has been tension because you have a different approach or preference.
STOP telling your partner what to do, how to do it, how to feel, what to want, how to be and the like, get out of their circle!
Approach your partner about this topic with the gift of letting go… Let them know that going forward they can do it their way…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Trust is very delicate and fragile and needs to be earned and developed, it is not a given. And, once it is achieved it is only transient. For it to survive it needs to be safeguarded and nurtured. It is like achieving our ideal weight and level of fitness. To maintain them we need to continue to eat healthy and nutritious foods and keep up with out fitness program.
Even though we are not aware or cognizant of this when we are infants, for obvious reasons, we are actually born as fully trusting human beings. We start off with a clean slate. This trust slowly gets eroded as we are parented by imperfect parents. We quickly learn that our needs do not get met 100% of the time and that others are not there for us %100 of the time the way we need them to be.
This makes us cautious. This teaches us how to protect ourselves and not be vulnerable to others. This creates defense mechanisms that hide our authentic self and prevent us from being fully engaged with ourselves, our partner and in our life as a whole. This keeps us from being fully alive!
Our defense mechanisms show up in the form of being passive-aggressive, aggressive, angry, controlling, obsessive, pursuing, shut-down, and a multitude of other ways that prevent us from being in connection with our loved ones. The kicker is that partners usually have opposite defense mechanisms that tend to trigger, hurt, each other further.
For example, let’s say that Jane needs attention and security and to get it she controls and obsesses. She is married to John, who needs freedom and validation and to get it he withdraws and acts passive-aggressively. When Jane wants attention from John, she demands things, asks a lot of questions, becomes critical and bossy. This makes John want more space and so he withdraws further, making Jane come after him more.
And so, their pattern, cycle, dynamic goes. They keep this perpetual cycle until, if and when, they figure out what is behind their behavior and each works to give the other what they need. Until they become conscious and mindful in their relating.
This is challenging to do, because each partner is looking to get what they want and has difficulties giving what the other partner wants. Each is trying to meet their own needs and is stuck in that perspective. When neither budges, and they continue to hurt the other in their pursuit of getting their own needs met, they get stuck in a power struggle.
This is a very painful place. Partners hurt each other in their quest to be OK. They too are imperfect in their relating. Trust keeps getting eroded.
This situation gets to a critical point when in their unconsciousness partners use their defense mechanisms to an extreme inflicting additional trauma on their partner. Trust in relationship and in stuck dynamics is subject to many tests, but when exposed to extreme negative treatment (i.e., violence, abuse, cheating) it cannot withstand the impacts of the trauma.
It is imperative for partners to change the focus of their attention from what their partner is not doing for them or how their partner is hurting them, to what they are not doing for their partner and how they are hurting their partner. No matter how much pain they are in, partners need to see how they contribute to their stuck dynamic and change their contribution to it.
When the partners’ focus changes and they are both doing for each other from a more giving, nurturing, accepting and unconditional loving place, they are finally creating safety for each other, meeting each others’ needs, and developing and safeguarding their trust.
The partners are fully engaged; they bring their authentic selves to their relating, and are in connection. They are conscious and mindful. They are healing, growing, and contributing. They are becoming more fully alive!
Happy Trusting and Living!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
For the next two days, closely observe what you do that bothers your partner. At the end of your observation period, invite your partner to a Connecting Session. Make it fun and safe:
1. Share three things you noticed bothered them in the past two days 2. Take a guess as to why it bothered them 3. Have your partner correct any wrong interpretations 4. For every interpretation you got right, they get to request a cute and small gesture from you that tickles their fancy.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Does your partner support you, romance you, engage you, enliven you, energize you, seduce you? Is your partner there?
When couples are not on the same page, they tend to drift apart. They fight a lot, don’t feel each other, and don’t get their needs met. Partners appear invisible or have a negative presence.
This becomes a way of relating where partners are resentful, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, alone and hopeless. They perceive each other as noncaring, selfish, self-centered and absorbed, unapproachable and unlovable. They don’t operate as a partnership or as allies but as opponents or enemies. They have a tit-for-tat mentality or a very self-indulgent mentality where they are only focused on how to get their needs met.
When the focus is all on having our own needs met and we don’t validate our partner’s perspective and efforts, we become entrenched in an individualistic modus operandi which underminds couplehood.
It is a difficult choice to make to get out of our shoes and into our partner’s for a second and see how they might be perceiving the situation, how they feel and what they need. But when this is done and our partner feels heard and significant, they stop running and turn around and actually look at us. They are now open to seeing and feeling us and relating differently.
This is how we invite change from our partner. We show them they matter and that we care for them on their terms not ours. This opens the lines of communication and new relating. Here is the chance to get your needs met. This is where you get on the same page and establish a strong foundation for continued satisfying relating.
When you have your partner’s openminded-attention engage them by stating how you feel when they do uncaring behaviors and not how you see or perceive them and their actions. This is engaging and not attacking keeping your partner’s attention. Then tell them how you want them to change the behavior, giving them concrete behavior change choices and ask them to choose one.
This gets couples on the same page. Couples get to share where they are at and how the partner can help without alienating them. This allows couples to respond to each other without reacting. This gets couples to meet each other’s needs. This is how they break the impasse and the fighting cycle.
When partners are not attacking each other, are not angry and resentful, and they understand where their partner is coming from and are resolving conflicts and meeting each other’s needs, they enter a new level of relating.
This is where the juices of satisfying relating get going. Partners become interested and curious about each other, they miss each other, they want and pursue each other. This is where romancing and seducing come in. This is where affection and lovemaking come in. This is where laughter, humor and childish fun come in. This is the gravy of relationships.
So, stop killing yourself trying to get your needs met and instead meet your partner’s (how they want them met and not your way…) inviting them to receive you with open arms and an open heart!
Happy “Gravying”!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner about things they want, wish and dream of. Ask them what role you play in making those happen. What specific behaviors does that entail and what other needs do they have that you can fulfill? Unconditionally start meeting your partner’s needs the way they want them met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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