When couples struggle it is very common to find that the partners have not yet found a way to honor and support each other in genuine, compassionate and generous ways. Partners share that they have tried it all and are tired of not getting anything back, getting their needs met, nor being able to create an awesome relationship.
They participate in their relationship with an ego (fear-based, selfish, and self-centered) approach. These partners have difficulties letting go and trusting their partner…
This is when partners are controlling, overfunctioning, overwhelmed, frazzled, accident prone, chaotic, exhausted, and rundown. They have poor boundaries, take on too much, can’t say no, can’t seem to implement and stick with self-care routines, have no clue as to how to delegate, are stingy about investing in support, and get in their own way of success and embracing their magnificence.
It gets as bad as impacting their finances, household ambiance, and personal appearance. They are possibly even facing health issues and might be dealing with infertility. This is not a fun way to be in relationship and live our life!
So, if our relationship and our life are so miserable, why do we keep doing more of the same? I’m sure you know that by doing more of the same we get more of the same results. I find that partners want to create a different relationship without stretching, growing, healing and changing…
They prefer to focus on what is wrong with their partner, working on changing their partner or waiting for their partner to change… They dig their heals in, in the name of “this is who I am… take it or leave”. For things to be different, YOU have to change!
We of course do not want to change the core you, your Authentic Self, who you ARE. What we do want to change is your not owning your Authentic Self, your not honoring your Self! And, your funky approach to your life and your relationship that at the end of the day is not serving either of you… We want to change how you are with your Self and with your Partner.
Do you find that you abandon your Self…? That you are not there for yourself and don’t appropriately take care of yourself? Be careful how you answer these questions. A lot of times we think we are taking care of ourselves but instead we are either doing more of the same which hasn’t been working, shoot ourselves in the foot, or are being reactive and not honoring…
How can we trust others to be there for us, when we are not even there for ourselves? We can take this a step further. How can others love us, if we don’t love ourselves…?
Mind your ego… I’m sure it is telling you that your partner can’t support you, that you’ve tried that with horrible results. And, the like… Stop that line of thinking right now. Don’t host a dinner party for your ego. I’m sure your partner supports you in ways that you don’t even recognize… I’m sure your partner is willing to support you better… This is the moment of truth. Do you want to have an awesome relationship? If so, give your partner a chance!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog!
Happy Supporting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Get support now!
From your Self – implement a meditative practice, NOW! This is a direct channel to your Authentic Self, your Soul. This is the easiest way to stop the abandonment and build connection with your Self. This is the fastest way to honor and know your Self. This is the best way to attune with your Life’s purpose…
From your Partner – identify one behavior your partner does to support you that you haven’t recognized and acknowledge this to your partner. Select a supportive behavior you would like from your partner and responsibly, appropriately, and clearly ask for it.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Many couples operate under the assumption that being in a relationship means to be bossed around, told what to do, and to loose their personal freedom and choices. I have heard references to young couples getting engaged as “he bit the bullet” and other similar degrading remarks.
I’m sure you have heard before couples complain about how their partner wants to change and control them and references to partners being “trained,” “whipped,” “on a short leash,” etc. All these really set up the stage to struggle in one’s relationship.
After the “infatuation” stage, the honeymoon period, is over and the “power struggle” sets in (the second stage of relationships), we get stuck in our perspectives and have repeating arguments and conflicts. We try to resolve and address this by wanting and trying to change our partner.
When we address our relationship thinking that we have to change our partner so that we get along better, so we’d like our partner better and to get our needs met we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction.
Partners CANNOT be changed. Yes, you read that right. They cannot be changed. Please, read that again: They cannot be changed. I can’t emphasize this enough. I come across this concept probably more so that the average person in my I work with couples and creating changes.
It is very frustrating to watch couples beat each other up with hurtful words and actions because each partner is entrenched in their views and stance and they want to change their partner.
Why would you want to change your partner anyway? If they changed they would no longer be the person you fell in love with… Personality and people’s core are very difficult, if not impossible to change. What we really want to change is the partners’ behaviors and their reactions toward each other. These are changeable.
But, the catch here is that the partners cannot change each other. Whenever you see couples with partners who supposedly changed their partner what you are actually seeing is dynamics with baggage at work. The partners are actually not really satisfied in their relationship. Take a closer look.
If the couple looks very different from how they were and appear to be getting along nicely – then the partners have both mutually worked at changing themselves within the relationship. They have compromised and resolved issues. One did not change the other…
So, the point is you cannot change your partner and your partner can’t change who they are, but both your behaviors and reactions can be changed. AND, each partner is responsible for owning up to their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and the changes made in them. Stop trying to change your partner – it doesn’t work. Only they can change their behaviors and reactions.
Another very common and frustrating mistake partners make, is that once partners understand this concept they now wait for their partner to change their behavior. And they wait. And they wait. And the will continue to wait forever…
Change in relationships happen when one partner owns up to their stuff and create their OWN changes. If both partners are doing this, then change in the relationship is imminent. If both partners are not working together as allies yet, the trick is to take ownership and change oneself, take the initiative – the other will have no choice but to change in response.
This is the only way that you can actually change your partner – inviting them to change… Remember – It Takes Two To Tango!
Happy Dancing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Pay attention to your partner’s actions and make note of the responses, reactions and behaviors that bother you and that you find hurtful. See if you can find a common denominator for them.
For example, your partner is always late, they make plans with others without consulting or including you, they eat their own meals without regards for your nutrition, etc. The common denominator could be said to be: appearing not to be a priority or important to your partner.
What are you doing to receive this kind of treatment? Are you too busy yourself and not available in the way your partner would like? Are you too clingy, critical or bossy that they need to create space? Whatever you find, and the hint will be in your partner’s complaints…, you need to change.
What happens next is that as you change the behavior that invites the treatment you don’t like, then the treatment needs to change as well and therefore your partner’s behavior will have changed. It works try it!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Sometimes we feel stuck and hopeless. We look at our life and relationship and wonder, What happened? This is not what I set out to create. Somewhere along the way you lost your path, you lost your self. And now, you have no idea where you want to go and how to get yourself there.
You might even blame your partner for the lack of progress in your life and relationship. You can’t get your partner to do what you want. Stop trying. It won’t work – you can’t tell others what to do; they are not responsible for your happiness.
If your life and relationship are not what you had dreamed they would be, you have nobody but yourself to blame. Your contribution determines the outcome. You invite what you get. You cocreate your reality. This is a hard pill to swallow, but take a real look at your situation.
Own how you have contributed to the dissatisfying parts of your life. Take a good look at how you are holding your self back from where you want to be and from having the relationship you want to have.
It is very easy to make excuses for our shortcomings and to blame our circumstances and others for the dissatisfaction we experience. In fact it is so easy, that this is our default MO. We might wonder how could it be our fault that the relationship is not working, after all we do it all. It has to be our partner’s fault. They don’t put in half as much. It can’t be our fault that our life is not working. We had bad parenting. Nothing is our fault.
We wait for our partner to make changes so that our relationship can be better, we wait for the economy to bounce back to make money again, we wait for tomorrow to start our diet or go back to gym, we wait for Hell to freeze over to have a life. Why are we disowning our self? Why are we giving our power away?
It is time to reclaim your self. It is time to show up in your relationship and your life. It is time to stop giving your power away and start using it to create the relationship and life you want. Yes, this is easier said than done, but not impossible. Get to it!
You can do this by: 1) Not reacting to your surroundings and the people in your life. Take a step back and gain perspective.
2) Monitor your feelings and moderate them to your situation – exaggerated or minimized feelings are reactive, not responsive, promoting more dissatisfaction.
3) Stop worrying about what your partner is doing or not doing, and focus on your investment instead.
4) Stop trying to please, doing always what is expected of you, caretaking for everyone, imposing unrealistic expectations on yourself and others, trying to be perfect, and worrying about others’ impressions of you.
5) Clearly express realistic expectations of others and allow them to meet them.
6) Appropriately communicate your needs and go about having them met.
7) Flexibly hold on to your views and convictions and carry yourself accordingly.
8) Don’t tell others how to feel, what to think or what to do – doing so takes their power away disabling them from bringing their authentic and beautiful self to you!
9) Let go of outcomes. Live and enjoy the moment.
10) Give from the heart – no strings attached.
Stop de-selfing your self, stop the co-dependency today. Own your self and start moving forward in your relationship and your life!
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Choose a behavior you have been expecting from your partner that they haven’t granted, and identify the need behind it. Have a discussion with your partner about the need and brainstorm on how to best meet that need.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A crippling state in relationships is when partners can’t seem to get each other and get on the same page. Partners struggle with being themselves, seen, accepted, recognized and embraced. I find when couples struggle is because the partners are having a difficult time honoring themselves and each other…
The partners get busy trying to be seen, acknowledged, get their needs met and have their way that they lose sight of the other and shoot themselves in the foot with their approach. They encroach on their partner bringing about the opposite of what they are actually seeking.
Partners bring baggage (wounds, triggers, buttons) and blind spots to their relationship that makes them vulnerable to recreating disappointing patterns. They bring histories laden with poor role modeling and emotional injuries, lack of relational and self management skills, meager relationship and life mindsets, invalidating habits and routines, and a haphazard approach to their relationship.
— It behooves partners to identify what emotional injuries they are carrying around that keeps attracting situations as opportunities to repair and heal… Why be tortured and get smacked upside the head by leaving this to chance? Assertively seek out what is your internal driver and set up a plan to address and heal this. It is time to eradicate this black hole that sucks the life out of your relationship.
— It behooves partners to learn how to effectively participate in their relationship for maximum impact and results. This needs to be a life long investment to always enhance, improve and sharpen their skills – communication, conflict resolution, decision making, breaking patterns, meeting needs, self soothing, containing, risk taking, nurturing, connection, intimacy, dreaming, goal setting and achieving, etc.
— It behooves partners to be intentional about what they allow to rent space in their heads. It is imperative to be mindful about thought processes, thinking habits and scripts, and negative and distorted thinking patterns they allow to ensnare them. Relationships are not logical puzzles to be solved!
— It behooves partners to proactively set up their support, environment, routines, rituals and self care to facilitate a smooth and pleasurable journey.
— It behooves partners to prioritize their partner, mindfully and intentionally give to their partner, stretch to meet their partner’s needs (in the stretch we grow… so we both benefit…), and set up mechanisms to make this effortless.
Partners have strengths they bring to the relationship that complement each other. It is important to capitalize on these as they are part of their attraction and their contribution to the relationship. A lot of times we focus on what we lack, what we need to do better, holes to fill, the stretches we need to make that we end up muting what we actually have to contribute…
For the Pursuer – How do you contain, chill out, let go, trust, continue to be nurturing without becoming a doormat or a martyr? Do embrace your expressiveness, connecting and nurturing know-how.
For the Distancer – How do you take a risk, be vulnerable, express feelings, and partake without losing your voice? Do embrace your practical, logical, and down-to-earth savvy.
When couples struggle they go to extremes using their assets making them a hindrance instead; or they pause or hide them in order to feel more compatible but end up cheating the relationship and their partner of their strengths and attraction…
Find the balance between overpowering and cheating your relationship of your strengths… Go forth honoring your Selves and properly investing in your relationship. Then awesomeness is in-stored for you!
Happy Balancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Identify a gift or character strength that you have been underutilizing in your relationship.
Gently (re)introduce it into your relating. Invite your partner to do the same.
Be aware of your own and your partner’s resistance in favor of maintaining the status quo…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Couples run into trouble when the partners have different definitions of how things should be in their relationship. They operate under different assumptions, expectations, wishes and needs. One of the reasons for this is their Boundaries.
Individuals have two kinds of Boundaries that play into how partners relate to each other. These are internal and external boundaries. Internal boundaries have to do with the amount of disclosure and with owning own thoughts, feelings, views and attitudes. External boundaries have to do with personal space and time, communication/speech patterns, and physical relating.
Boundaries give people and couples definition. They are our encasings. The two main types of boundaries are too rigid or too loose. These boundaries create the partners’ MO, modus operandi. How they approach each other and life is directly influenced by their boundaries.
Individuals whose boundaries are too thick tend to be walled off and therefore have difficulties with intimacy. These individuals are the distancers, avoiders, and isolators in relationships. They want their space, they prefer solo activities, they are usually quite or have explosive tempers, tend to withdraw, and appear secretive or reticent.
These partners have a hard time identifying their needs, feelings, and wishes. They are so walled off that even they have a hard time getting in touch with themselves.
Individuals whose boundaries are too loose tend to be the relationship concerned partner and people pleaser. They tend to be all over the place. They multi-task, speak for others, have all the answers, are martyrs, are care takers, get things done, prefer group/couple/family activities, prefer to be in company, and want to share and talk about everything.
These individuals are the pursuers, clingers, and fusers in relationships. These partners might know what they want but have a hard time getting their needs met because they get lost in the shuffle, everybody else comes first.
Both these types of partners have a hard time having solid selves. They are either not in touch with themselves, or they are not contained and therefore are spilt all over and they are not there either. These partners have difficulties owning themselves, getting their needs met and functioning at their highest potential individually and as a couple.
Partners with poor boundaries don’t know where one ends and the other starts: they project their feelings and views, mind read, speak for each other, make assumptions about their partner’s wishes and needs, hear criticism and judgment in feedback or stances, have a hard time validating and empathizing, operate in crisis or reactive mode, etc. These partners are not having a satisfying relationship!!
There are a few terms in the clinical literature for this. Two off the top of my head that are very similar in their gist are: being undifferentiated or codependent.
When partners are not differentiated or are codependent, they are not being themselves in the relationship and the relationship is not working at its best (their LIFE is not all that it could be). At first glance, the descriptions mentioned above of how these partners operate might appear to be who the partners are, but this is not the case.
The descriptions mentioned above are symptoms of poor boundaries, are coping mechanisms, which surfaced as a result of childhood dysfunction, wounds, hurts or unmet needs.
To heal or resolve this there is no need to go dwell in the past or confront childhood caretakers, but rather to get needs met in the present. The main way to do this is to clearly express your needs, wishes, wants, and expectations by owning them and not blaming, criticizing, playing martyr or other games and not at the expense of others.
The simple antidote is to respond to situations and contexts by processing feelings and thoughts, assessing the need and getting it simply met. In other words, kindly standing up for yourself consistently and efficiently.
Standing on your own two feet allows YOU to be a part of your relationship and a participant in YOUR life!!
Happy Standing Up!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Pick an area in your life that you believe your partner is holding you back on: i.e., dieting, going to the gym, getting up early during the weekend, having fun, addressing addictions, or going back to school.
Have a thinking session and process your feelings (resentment, jealousy, fear, anger) and your thinking (blaming, generalizing, criticizing, compensating), and identify what your need is brainstorming different ways to meet it. Invite your partner into a discussion about this and present your options for having your need met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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