From Desperate Anger to Blooming Passion

by Emma Viglucci

The season of renewal is finally here and with it comes an invitation to awaken to life. Note the blue skies, the sun shining, birds chirping, flowers blooming. What an enchanting time to be alive. The possibilities are countless.

As we are coming out of hibernation, it is time to look around and take stock. How much did we neglect ourselves and our relationship over the winter months? Did the month of love make an impact in your relationship, or did you let the opportunity to feel alive and connected with your partner pass you by? No worries, now is the time to wake up and smell the roses. Now is the perfect time to get in touch with your relationship energy and passion.

In my work with couples I usually encounter couples who feel at their wits end. These couples only experience their partner in a negative way through their misperceptions, assumptions, miscommunications, and poor relationship skills. Their relationship is fraught with anger, frustration and resentment. They can’t feel their love or their union. They feel alone and enraged. This is what I call misguided passion.

The partners are not properly tapping into their relationship energy and passion! They feel it but misuse it. These partners get entangled with selfishness, egocentricity, self-absorption, self-pity, and their sense of entitlement. This coupled with their lack of self-knowledge and relationship skill is a formula for disaster.

Positively experiencing your relationship energy and passion requires some tending, pruning and watering. Relationship nurturing is key to the success of the relationship. Dissatisfied and enraged couples are in a constant state of deprivation. Their anger is signaling them that they don’t feel heard, understood, and gotten and that their needs are not being met.

Start paying attention to when your partner appears agitated. When do you feel put-off? If you can objectively track this down, you will find that at the core you both want respect, understanding, attention, and love. Your relationship energy and passion is churning in an attempt to meet these needs. Tend to these needs, and you will experience your relationship energy and passion as you have never experienced it before! Enlivened!!

Happy Tending!!

~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment

Have a discussion with your partner about needs. First, create a safe environment and openness to the topic. Don’t bring this up in the middle of a fight or when you are both exhausted. Then, taking turns, speak from your core self about how you like to receive attention and love, and what little gestures touch your heart. Share with each other needs you have and give tips on how these can be met.

Any requests or tips you give need to follow this formula: S M A R T – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time Limited (borrowed from Harville Hendrix’s Imago relationship work).

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com. 

Facing Codependence in Your Relationship

by Emma Viglucci

When we think of codependence we think of it in terms of its association with substance dependence. We think of a partner who is codependent with a substance dependent partner. But this is not the case. Codependence can be a condition and state of being and dealing with life all on its own.

Codependence comes about from being raised in less-than-nurturing family systems where certain parental practices that are approved by society, or considered normal, actually tend to impair the growth and development of the child and lead to the development of codependence! Some of these practices, in a nutshell, include too rigid or too permissive parenting, or a combination of these.

How this happens is beyond the scope of this article, but here is an introduction to some basic codependence concepts (borrowed from Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody).

The codependence experience manifests itself in two clusters of operating and being. The first, is characterized by people experiencing normal human emotions of shame, fear, pain, and anger with such magnification that they are always in a heightened emotional state.

These people usually find themselves overreacting to everyday experiences and having feelings far more excessive than warranted by a given situation. These people’s experience is colored by feeling anxious, out of control and irrational, dysfunctional, and/or crazy.

The second cluster is characterized by people having the opposite experience. The normal human emotions are so minimized and repressed that they hardly experience their feelings at all including positive ones such as love, joy, pleasure, or contentment. They numbly go through life and hide behind rationale and logic.

People who deal with life through codependence, manage their existence by being perfect and constantly trying to do things better. They think they should make those around them happy and, when they can’t, they feel somehow less than others, as if they don’t measure up, and are not good-enough.

Sometimes their perfectionism is so strong that they are also plagued by procrastination appearing to under function and therefore feeding into their feelings of inadequacy… They try to please and seek approval, which in turn places others in charge of their happiness. When the approval, acknowledgement or appreciation is not given, they become furious – a feeling they can’t always share or show because they are trying to please!

They might then repress their rage which finds a different outlet in the form of sarcasm, criticism, gibes, picking, micromanaging, forgetfulness, ambivalence, or other passive-aggressive behaviors including possibly developing addictions and/or other compulsive behaviors. They might also hold in the rage for a while, but eventually let out their wrath.

Usually these people appear to be gentle, caring and helpful, but underneath it all is their powerful need to control and manipulate those around them to give the approval and validation that is salve to their inflamed feelings.

This shows up in relationships in that both partners exhibit codependence traits, usually opposite in nature, where one partner has maximizing tendencies and the other minimizing tendencies. Respectively, one partner appears very emotional (other and relationship focused) and the other very logical (fearing intimacy)…

The partners tend to take things personally, be hyper sensitive to criticism, assign negative motive and mind read, take on each other’s mood, thoughts and attitudes, be reactive and experience their relationship as being stuck and going around in circles.

These couples do not derive much pleasure from their relationship as their energy is spent constantly fighting their own demons, dealing with their exaggerated or dismissed experience and their impact, trying to get a handle on the last interaction gone awry and trying to figure out how to be in a nurturing connection with their loved one.

Phew! That’s exhausting! Not to fret – there is light at the end of the tunnel. Here is a basic starter tip for each partner:

For the Maximizer: Learn how to soothe your own self and your feelings, and contain them (thicken your invisible boundary around your self and choose what goes out and how, and what you allow in – less is better)

For the Minimizer: Learn how to get in touch with your self and your feelings, and express them (loosen your thick boundary around your self and choose what goes out and how, and what you allow in – more is better)

Go ahead, start working your self and bringing your composed and available self to your relationship with your partner! Start deriving some pleasure from your relationship and enjoying your partner!!

Happy Facing Codependence!!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Invite your partner into a conversation about how codependence might be a theme in your relationship. Set up a conducive surrounding for an intimate and safe discussion and interaction: Get rid of distractions (no kids, TV, computer, phones, and other gadgets), get your favorite healthy soothing drink, put on pjs, grab a blankie, etc.

Start the discussion by speaking about yourself and your feelings using I-statements and not blaming your partner. Speak about yourself sharing about your maximizing or minimizing tendencies.

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com. 

Managing Anger in Your Relationship…

by Emma Viglucci

Anger is a poison in our relationship when it is misunderstood and unleashed. It gets in the way of understanding, connectedness, intimacy, love, and satisfaction in our relationship. Anger in its explosive or simmering manifestation, is a sign that something is wrong when it is prevalent. This indicates that there is pain and dysfunction in the relationship and that something needs to change.

I do not consider Anger a real emotion. I look at Anger as more of a temporary (or more permanent for some) state of being. The angry state is a reaction that covers more sensitive feelings. It is a protection for our vulnerability. When we feel angry, we actually have other more vulnerability inducing feelings underneath such as feeling hurt, insignificant, dismissed, lonely, hopeless, invisible, smothered and abandoned.

To deal with the anger in our relationship, we first need to start noticing the anger coming on before we act angry – whether it is withdrawing or yelling and throwing stuff around. Some tale signs that we are about to act angry are getting a knot in the stomach, sweating, feeling our heart beat faster, and getting flushed. Start paying attention to how the anger feels in your body.

Once you are aware that you are feeling angry and are about to start acting out your anger, you can take a second to identify what are the sensitive feelings underneath the anger. It is a bit difficult for some to identify their more vulnerability inducing feelings. If you need assistance with this, I have a huge list of emotions on the site, that you may use to assist you.

Choose the sensitive feelings that are related to your anger, don’t get stuck at the superficial level and identifying other reactionary feelings (i.e., frustration, exasperation, rage, etc.). If you allow yourself to go deeper, you will be surprised to discover more tender feelings.

Now that you know what you are really feeling, you need to identify what triggered those feelings. This is where your partner plays their role. Partners are a good source of triggers. They just have it in them to get under our skin.

In our interactions with our partner, we perceive the situation, we interpret such situation and we think on it. This is what creates the anger and the other deeper feelings. The reason for this is that thoughts create emotions. Think about this. How you think about something creates how you feel about it.

When you perceive your partner as selfish, self-involved, non-caring, or like they don’t care or are taking advantage of you or your situation, you are going to feel angry and upon further exploration you’ll realize that you are actually feeling unimportant, abandoned, abused, stepped on, etc.

Being able to recognize how you are thinking about something and identify the related sensitive feelings is huge. This gives you good positioning for healing and creating changes in your relationship. One way to accomplish this is that in knowing how you are looking at something you can choose to look at it from a different perspective, which leads to feeling differently.

Another way is that by having identified sensitive feelings you can interpret your needs and work on getting them met. Wow!!

This handy-dandy concept works wonders when addressing anger management, AND other issues, in relationships as both partners can benefit from better understanding their feelings and triggers. This creates a fertile ground for making changes and getting needs met.

Say goodbye to the anger and start having your needs met and enjoying the relationship you crave!!

Happy Anger Managing!!!

~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment

Take inventory of how you feel when your partner gets under your skin. Search for the sensitive feelings (dismissed, unloved, ignored, suffocated, threatened, belittled, undermined, abandoned, etc.). Share with your partner how their specific behavior makes you feel these and ask for a specific behavior change that would resolve your complaint.

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.