Have you gotten over yourself, evicted your Ego, yet? Are you full steam ahead? Are you all in?Are you fully committed to really giving it your all, to throwing your whole Self in? Are you fully committed to kicking some serious butt, to creating an extraordinary life and awesomest relationship? Do these questions scare you?
Do you feel a wave of terror cursing through your body? Do you feel your insides shaking? Do you feel frozen or paralyzed? Do you feel like a protagonist in a film playing in slow motion, or like you are walking in molasses?
It’s ok. This fear comes up when we aspire to reach our full potential, when we get a glimpse of the possibilities. We are quick to remember our limitations and scripts, and to choose the status quo and playing it safe… We are scared of our own splendor. We impose our limiting lens on our experience, process and decisions to-do-over. We give up too easily without giving ourselves the full groundhog-day benefit.
Keep investing and tweaking till you are %99.9999 perfect…, till you have mastered doing your life and your relationship… There is so much beauty and magic in this. This is what Life is about… I want you ALL in. It makes a massive difference in the quality of all you do and the awesomeness you are able to create…
Here is how to get yourself all in and creating your extraordinary life and awesome relationship:
Step back and take stock of all areas of your life. Is this what your picture of your most awesomest life and relationship looks like? Where are the discrepancies? Notice the gaps. Notice what comes up for you as you think about this…
Pay attention to your scripts, your self limiting believes, the lack of ownership and accountability, the fear… I want you to take notice of all this and don’t judge, criticize or beat yourself up, or anyone else… I want you instead to give yourself understanding (not excuses, but validation), compassion and love.
I want you to soothe the shame monster. You are OK. There is nothing wrong with you. You are exactly where and how you need to be right now, to be where and how you need to be next… This is your journey… And, it’s beautiful. There is a reason for everything… Let’s use what you got!
What are you getting from your pic? What is your lesson? I want you to go deeper and figure out what it is you are to be learning? What is the code you need to crack? What is your stretch? Take your time and GET THIS. Now, imagine you cracked this. Imagine you rewired yourself.
Imagine you changed your molecular structure, your energy… Imagine you have a brand new ninja OS. Imagine you no longer have limiting scripts or believes. Whoa… Do you see where I’m going? Humor me.
Please take a moment to imagine this… Imagine you fully own your Self, have mastered self-management, and have embraced your magnificence. Can you see what this would do for your life and your relationship? You would ROCK!
Do you see how you hold your Self back? It is time to stop. It is time to do something. It’s time to take action. Insight is not enough. Once you get it, you have to take massive action to get massive results. What does this mean for you? Think about what you need to do, what actions you need to take. If you are stuck, let me help you: Go back to the code you need to crack.
Here is where your massive action needs to be… Here is where you push yourself, where you stretch. Here is where you put all the support in the world in place to help you crack this and get moving. Here is where you invest. Here is where you hang out. Here is your sweet spot. Push through this and the ceiling is gone!
Do whatever it takes to Get It, and reach for the Stars. Play with your strengths, get assistance with your weaknesses. Put support in place to keep you accountable, and to stretch, teach, and guide you. Put support in place to celebrate your successes, hold you up when you fall down, and cheer you on when you feel like giving up.
Give yourself every chance and opportunity to succeed. What does that look for you? Where do you need the support? What would free up resources allowing you to invest better where it really counts?
Make a commitment now to go for it, to be all in, to have an extraordinary life, starting today! Take an action RIGHT NOW to put the wheels in motion, on the right path… Go for it, you have my support; my energy is with you. Go kick butt!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Actioning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take stock of where you have been wishy-washy in your relationship and your life (i.e., planning, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, exercising, dating, intimacy & connection, parenting, gardening, writing, invoicing clients, whatever.). Make a list of all the things you do half heartedly, without conviction and commitment, with reservation and disinterest, with one foot in and the other out, and with a minimum of effort and investment.
Next, categorize each item with: to Ditch, Reassign (delegate, contract out, automate, etc.), or Reinvest (leave only what you truly care about and are uniquely talented at).
Pick one from each category to tackle this week. Use your support system… This creates new energy and energy flow in your life…
I want you to turn your special attention to your chosen Reinvesting item. REALLY invest… Give it your all…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our relationship has a purpose. There is a reason for our relationship why we chose the partner we did. People, in more recent times, usually say they got married, or are involved in their relationship, because they love their partner, and/or have also other logical reasons why they decided to commit and stay with their partner.
These are not the real reasons for why they are in their relationship! These are either socially correct or superficial reasons, and are ways for them to understand why they are with their partner.
Because partners use this lens, to interpret their relationship and interactions, there will be a time when they will get stuck in their relationship and be dissatisfied.
Individuals supposedly chose their partner for whatever reasons they told themselves: they love their partner and want to be with them, they invested a lot of time in the relationship, the partner has all the qualities they want in a partner, convenience, pregnancy, to have children, security, to get out of parents’ home, they were getting older and needed to settle down, etc.
These reasons will inevitably not hold up to scrutiny to explain the partners’ reality, experiences, and interactions.
To make matters worse, partners continue to use this lens when they are looking to resolve their situation. If the logic is crooked, so will be the output! If you use rotten ingredients when cooking, your meal will not be tasty no matter what you do to it!!
The real purpose of our relationship is to meet our unconscious needs (heal childhood wounds and become complete). Inherently, the relationship is of an intimate nature, even if we don’t feel close, and our partner has the make up necessary to meet our needs. This is why we are unconsciously attracted to them in the first place! The trick is to figure out how to tap into this resource!!
To discover childhood wounds, partners need to ask themselves what is their major gripe about their parents/caretakers growing up. This can be translated into wounds by discovering how the parents’ hurtful behavior made them feel.
This is then related to the present relationship and to how partners’ behaviors are making each other feel as they did growing up. Partners continue to re-wound each other when they are not aware of this connection. They can use this new awareness to start giving each other what they didn’t get growing up, thus, healing.
To achieve completeness, partners just need to look at their partner’s opposite characteristics, personality traits, and work on owning them for themselves.
This process, even though it is hard, is uplifting and renewing. When couples take off their blinders and see their relationship in these terms, things finally make sense. They understand their interactions and their hurts. They understand where their partner is coming from and realize they are not out to get them or not be there for them. Partners now become allies and are no longer enemies. This realization changes their lens from black to pink!
Partners now see the unconscious bond that has been holding them together. When they get it and work it they feel a sense of relief and are finally at peace and hopeful. They are ready to get unstuck and get their needs met. Now they have the ability to feel a true bond and inner connection!
Happy Bonding!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™AssignmentHave a heart-to-heart with your partner about your childhood histories and how you felt growing up. Share how you are re-wounding each other: which behaviors from your partner make you feel the same way you did growing up. Ask each other for concrete changes in those behaviors.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
People are obsessed with the difficulties in their relationship, they just keep thinking about it and hurting over it. They put too much negative mental energy into it. I don’t really blame them as I know it is very difficult and painful to be in a relationship that just keeps hurting them, but one gets out what one puts in. Negativity begets negativity.
When you are focused on how bad, painful and dissatisfying your relationship is, you are drenching your relationship with unwarranted negative mental energy and attention. When the relationship gets desperation, negativity, criticism, disgust, and hopelessness, it is strangled. Its lifeline is being cut off. The flame of love, lust, trust, friendship and partnership is close to being smothered.
When we are this stuck in our relationship, we have given the power struggle stage in our relationship a life of its own. We are so entrenched in thinking how awful it is for us that we loose perspective of the relationship and our partner with it. It is time to reclaim that power and use it to create the relationship you want.
Stop chocking the life out of your relationship. When the pressure is off, when the energy we send our troubled relationship is retargeted, miracles happen…
The power struggle is a very lonely, frustrating, enraging and painful stage in our relationships. It takes courage, will power and stamina to wade through the wounds, hurts, negative coping mechanisms, exits, reactions and intimacy ignorance. It is difficult healing ourselves and our partners simultaneously while dealing with everyday life. It is hard work and we have to have faith that in the end it will be better.
This is where it gets really tricky. Having faith in ourselves, our partner and our relationship is a daunting task when we are running on empty and when we hurt so bad, but do rest assured. I can tell you that if you stick it out and do the work, things do get better. I know this because I have seen it in my own relationship and in that of all my clients that have made it through the process.
It is difficult. I do give you that. And trying, and exhausting and painful, but in the long run, it is all well worth it. After all, what have you got to loose? If you end this relationship, it is all a matter of time before your wounds (and that of your new partner’s) resurface in the new relationship creating another dissatisfying relationship and you are back to square one…
So, stick it out and do the ‘real work to heal yourselves’ and move out of the power struggle in your relationship.
Remember, partners are unconsciously attracted to each other and are stuck together because they have the ability to re-wound each other as they were wounded when they were children by their caretakers and now have a chance at getting what they didn’t get then.
This is the reason you keep having the same issue over and over and why it’s so painful. Your coping mechanisms are opposite each other’s recreating hurts for each other. The more painful and stuck, the better the match between the two of you.
This means that you both have the ability to really hurt (re-wound) each other as you were before, but also to heal each other. There is reciprocity in your coping, it creates a cycle that needs to be broken by one putting their needs, and associated mental energy, on hold for a bit and tend to their partner. This breaks the cycle and healing can commence. When you both give each other alternate outcomes to the usual hurting situations, healing takes place.
The big hint here is to refocus your energies. Stop thinking about yourself and how your needs are not met and how hurt and dissatisfied you are and put yourself in your partner’s context for a change. Really look at your relationship from your partner’s perspective.
The trick is not to go into your partner’s shoes with your own head, but to look at things from their perspective and mindset. How do they experience the relationship? How do they experience you? Are their needs, as they define them, met? Is their vision of the relationship a reality for them? Are they happy?
When you do this, you realize that you are not alone in this and that your partner is not out to get you, but they are also trying to survive. They are not your enemy! With this new realization in mind, switch your mental energy setting to life saving mode and engage your ally in creating a win-win situation.
First, do a mental update on how you look at your relating. Your partner is not really out to hurt you, but they are protecting themselves. They are communicating their dissatisfaction and pain. Look at all your interactions and relationship situations from this perspective.
Once that mental energy is refocused, you are ready to start creating some changes. What can you give your partner to help ease their pain? When their pain eases, so will yours…
Happy Healing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make an appointment with your partner for them to gift you with tips on how you hurt them. Ask them to prepare and bring a list of things that bother them about you that recreate wounds for them. Review the list together while remaining accepting and trusting.
You might want to create a safety shield around yourself before you start. You will probably find that some things you do because you mean well or are trying to be helpful are probably the worst or most painful ones to your partner. Remember, we have to give love how our partner wants it not how we want to give it…
Just listen to your partner and take it in. Don’t defend or explain. Finish the appointment by asking your partner to help you change by showing you when you do the damaging behavior and how they would like it to change. Pick two behaviors on the list to start with.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you find that hard as you try you seem to be stuck in the same place? That it seems like you’ve tried it all, work hard at it, are pooped and yet nothing is different? Unfortunately, this is the story of most partners, the ones that give a hoot anyway. The rest have resigned themselves to living contentedly in ignorant bliss missing out on the potential inherent in their partnership. Either one of these suck in my book.
I don’t concern myself with the peeps that are content. It’s their choice to live mediocre lives and survive their relationship. To each their own. I do concern myself with the other lot. They are my peeps. They are the partners I live and work for. They are the partners I’m on this earth to assist, guide and inspire. I know those peeps intimately… I know it is a struggle day-in and day-out to Be our Authentic Self and Be in Relationship.
I know what it’s like to grow and heal in relationship. I know what it’s like to make difficult choices, to live outside the box, to explore new frontiers and push the envelop all in the name of owning our Selves and creating an awesome life and relationship.
So, I ask that you hang in there. There is a reason you are in this place. There is something you are supposed to be learning. Some part that still needs healing. Some code that still needs cracking.
Mine has been being vulnerable, trusting, letting go and allowing help… I know I can’t do it alone… I know it takes two Partners to have a relationship… (don’t laugh, or judge). I now Know a lot more… I’m a therapist and relationship expert, but I’m still human… It takes courage to own not being perfect, and to remove the perfection mask… It’s actually pretty liberating…
What is your mask? What is your lesson? What is your code to crack? What is really going on for you? Dig deep and see if you can see it? What is your vulnerability? What is your week spot? What is the trigger, wound? What are you protecting against?
What is the message about your Self, alone and in relationship, that has been renting space in your head? It’s time to stop all this. It’s time to evict the fear monster and victim mentality, mindset. Are you with me??
I understand if you are hesitant and scared. It makes sense to me that it’s difficult to imagine something different that doesn’t include quitting and starting over. Believe me I get it. Leaving in this place makes it difficult to see what is beyond, to see the possibilities. I ask that you have little faith, courage, patience, open-mindedness and willingness to go the extra mile, on foot! Yes, you’d be out of your comfort zone.
Yes, without a doubt you will question if you are on the right path. Yes, there will be moments when you want to throw out the baby with the bath water. But through all this, I ask that you stay in faith and open for it is here that the magic takes place… I know what lies on the other side. And, it is pretty awesome… We can get there together. I can show you the way, if you let me.
Here is how we get started: Take a risk… (hold the sighing, or huffing and puffing!) Push through the fear… This can take many forms: Deciding not to leave the relationship, even if just for now. Deciding to continue to invest wholeheartedly regardless of what you get in return, for now.
Showing your partner you are all in, that you believe in them. Staying strong even when your partner wavers, not jumping on the misery and reactivity wagon. Extending clean invitations for connection. Doing loving and nurturing gestures. Creating and enjoying fun moments.
Pending on the status of your relationship and stage of investment, you will have different reactions to the above. Regardless, take what resonates and take one immediate related action today. When you start pushing the envelop, pushing through fear, taking a risk, interactions and dynamics start realigning, the relationship starts to shift, you feel awesome… For some this experience is slow in coming (because they are still very guarded).
For most initially, it’s up and down until this is their new norm. I ask that you trust the process and Be in it. The more you allow your energy to flow, the more fluid, flexible and open-minded you are (not guarded, defended, and full of Ego), the smoother this is and the quicker you’ll find yourself on the other side…
Take that risk, mindfully push through the door of fear, and you’ll find yourself on the other side… It is that simple to start getting results… Try it today!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Risking!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Choose an item that has been a sore spot between you and your partner. One where you don’t see eye-to-eye, have a difference of opinion, haven’t been able to compromise on, has been taboo to bring up, has you walking on eggshells, or has resulted in fights.
Think about what would happen if you let go of your position, if you get your Ego out of the way… What would happen if you weren’t so invested in your position? For what is our position anyway…? What would happen if you detached from the meaning of letting go of your position…? For this is Ego driven and a protection… What would happen if we took this risk, and just let go…? Think about it… How will you be different…? How will you be free…?
How will you be empowered…? How will you become available…? What would happen if you got and honored your partner’s perspective? What would happen if you genuinely showed this to your partner…? Can you muster the courage and take the risk? Can you deal with being out of your comfort zone? Can you receive the awesomeness that follows…? Put safety and support in place, then go for it! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our mood is impacted by many variables in our lives if we let it. Our hectic lifestyles, poor self care, habits, emotional problems, the weight of our history, etc. can all have a huge impact on how we feel and therefore how available we are in our relationship(s).
But how we feel can also be a choice. We can train ourselves to live with better moods. Our perception is the engine behind our feelings. How we choose to look at our world, how we choose to narrate our story, and receive what it offers dictates how we feel. How we let information in and wear it on our body influences our mood! (for a more detailed explanation: Unlimited Power, by Anthony Robbins)
If you choose to look at a situation from a negative angle, and in your mind’s eyes it is big, loud, blinding, tight, looming, your feelings associated with the situation will include powerlessness, hopelessness, overwhelm, fear, worry. If you look at the same situation and make it small, far away, quiet, malleable, open the feelings generated now will include mastery, control, hope, strength, ease, power.
The same is true for good stuff – if you look at them as big, loud, bright, colorful, expansive, all encompassing you will feel ecstasy, excitement, zest, joy, exuberance; if you look at them as small, distant, dull, quiet you will miss out on the joy and gift of the moment!
Also, depending on how we choose to perceive something, we decide to act on it and let it impact us accordingly. We have ideas of how we should look depending on what we believe the impact is on us: If we think we should be tired because we didn’t get enough sleep, we carry ourselves tire like and feel tired. If we think something is supposed to make us happy, we smile and we feel joy.
If we think we should be overwhelmed because we have a lot to do, we droop our shoulders with the weight of the world, and feel hopeless and powerless. Get my drift? You try it. Choose a perception, see how you carry it on your body and how you feel.
Hence, you can choose how to perceive, let stuff in and the meaning you assign to it, and how you act and carry it on your body and take control of your mood in any instance!
You can, starting right now, have the mood you want at any moment in time. When you choose positive moods consistently over time, you rewire your brain with new neurological pathways where it learns to feel good on its own and it won’t require as much effort or consciousness on your part.
You feel the way you choose to feel. When you choose to assign a negative meaning to a situation or interaction and choose anger, jealousy, resentment, or other negative feelings it is difficult to feel loving, nurturing, open and available to be in connection with your partner. Choose right now to view your relationship, situation, interaction differently and to have a flirtatious, sexy, fun, warm, caring, loving mood and invite your partner into connection!
Happy Perceiving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Catch yourself feeling cranky or other negative feelings; practice changing the meaning you are assigning to the moment and make your body have the look of feelings associated with the new meaning…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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