It never ceases to amaze me what couples can accomplish and how they are able to turn their relationship around when they set their mind to it! I have literally seen miracles happen… I have seen couples come back from real horrible places. It is a formidable phenomenon to witness.
I have, unfortunately, also seen partners give up on their relationship without fully investing in creating changes. They get too hang up on what their partner is doing or not doing and how they are being or not being. This is a train wreck in the making… Very unfortunate indeed
If you find that you are struggling in your relationship, a little or a lot, I beg you to stop looking at your partner for answers or changes. This is only ingraining and maintaining your status quo. You can’t do anything about what your partner is doing or how they are… You were actually attracted to how your partner is…
Granted, how they show up nowadays might be different, but this is only a protection on their part… Their True Self, the person you fell in love with, is still there! I want you to remember this and engage your partner as if you can see their True Self… Ignore their nonsense and engage their True Self, Core Self, Authentic Self, Pure Self, Soul… When you engage Soul to Soul, miracles happen…
Your approach needs to be: to Be as you want to Be. Be the partner you want to be. Treat your Partner as if you are in love… Treat your Partner as if they are your dream come true… Treat your Partner as if they are the best thing in your life… Treat your Partner as if they deserve to be treated with the utmost love and care… Does this feel like too much? Exactly… Treat your Partner as an equal human being…
(Ouch!) We don’t generally invest in having an Awesome Relationship… Isn’t this crazy? We invest with all our might in other things, but not in our relationship and then we wonder how come it suffers. Then we wonder how come we are not treated well. Then we wonder how come it fails. We get what we put in!
I’ve been pushing my clients in this regard with CRAZY AMAZING results! I know it can be done.I know you can do it too. The trick is to focus on ourselves, not on what we don’t get and how we are wronged, but on what WE put in and what WE contribute.
When we focus on our stretches, how we communicate, on soothing ourselves when triggered, mindfully and respectfully going about getting our needs met, understanding our partner and having compassion for their experience, sprinkling our interactions with loving and caring gestures, setting things up for cooperation, etc. the tending pays off.
Sometimes this approach is challenging to embrace. I know this too… This is difficult because we are insecure, our Ego gets the best of us, we are holding on to resentments (the past), we might be projecting (putting things on our partner that’s not theirs…) or owning our partner (we know best how they should be and what they should do…), or we are not being accountable for our own Self – we are not being honorable and virtuous…
These get in the way. This is sucky. We do not want to go through life and our relationship like this. This is a sure way to being unhappy…
Instead, we want to invest with all our might, to really go for it. Now, I’m not talking about smothering or stalking your partner, being disingenuous, etc. I’m talking about really contributing the way your partner and relationship call for… As I’ve written before, partners share that “they’ve tried it all” and that “they do everything for the relationship” – but is what they have tried what is needed the way it is needed?
Usually it is not… Herein is the secret: tailored and targeted investing – not till you drop dead and at your expense investing, but just the right investment that meets both your needs… I’ve seen it done. I know you can do it as well!
So, figure out what is the right investment and go for it. It has to touch the right places, at the right times, in the right way while meeting both your needs. This might seem tricky but it is TOTALLY doable. Just put on your open minded lens and you’ll see… Invest the best, get the best…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Investing!
~Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Stop thinking about how your Partner stinks – stop thinking about how they could look better, do better, be better… Stop owning them! Start thinking about how You can invest better!! Focus on what You contribute and what You can do better… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You have to be happy with yourself first… You cannot be happy in your relationship if you are not first happy with your Self… If you are not your Authentic Self, your Soul Self, you are just a robot completing daily tasks and missing the whole point of life… This is not Living…
What is the purpose of your Life? Why are you alive, today, right now?
I believe we all have a Purpose and we have unhappy and dissatisfying lives when we are not living our purpose, when we are not living from our Authentic Self, when we are not in alignment with our Soul. We are “embodied energy” living a human experience. Liken it to being on a mission and donning a costume, or uniform. You are the Hero of your Story. What is your Story? What is your Mission? What is the point of You?
We waste so much time and effort going about life with blinders on and focusing on unimportant things. We miss the point completely! We create mediocre lives at best, lives without purpose. We get stuck in our little perspective, drag our partner into it, and battle there. Wow, are we ignorant and blind. This is painful to witness. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
It is our job to WAKE UP to our Life, to open our eyes, to take off the shades. When we start getting in touch with who we REALLY are, how magnificent we are, how important we are, how needed we are and humbly accept our “assignment”, mission, Purpose, then everything changes…
We transcend daily nonsense (Ego) for the beauty (Blessings) in it all, for it is all beautiful… There is a reason for everything… Our job is to translate our experiences into lessons and use them for the greater good… There is something in each of us that is a Gift waiting to be shared.
Take a moment to thread your experiences and find the common denominator. What is the theme in your life? What situations, circumstances, lessons keep creeping up? What is getting louder and louder in your life? What is the message that you are not getting? What is the code you have to crack?
Stop blaming your partner for the quality of your life… Stop waiting for your partner to create the life you want… Own your Self. Be your Authentic Self. Show up in your relationship. Be Understanding and Accepting in your relationship. Be Compassion in your relationship. Be Abundance in your relationship. Be Love in your relationship. No “Buts”…! Stop it and own your Self!
Stop waiting for your partner to do something different. See your partner’s Core. Don’t get hang up on their appearance, on their behavior, and especially not on their defense mechanisms (protective behaviors). Look beyond all this and see the purity of your partner. Witness your partner’s Soul… They have a code to crack as well after all, but that’s on them… Don’t get hand up on the minutiae of your interactions. Be with your partner!
When your Souls team up… now that’s where the Awesomeness is. That’s where your untapped Synergy is. That’s where the Purpose is… Your partner is your Partner! Don’t take them for granted. They are not your enemy, they are your ally. It’s time you recognize this and treat them like Royalty. Humbly embrace your Kingdom and uplift the world. Be the Hero in your Story. The Universe is the limit!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship. Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Uplifting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
How do you know if you are on the right track? What’s the best way to go about your Life?
Listen to your Feelings… Not your Ego! Your Feelings… Make your feelings your compass. They are the language of the Soul. That’s your Authentic Self’s built in guiding mechanism… Follow your Heart… At every juncture ask, “What would make me feel Good?”
Honor your Self. Pursue Happiness. Add simple pleasures. Give and Receive TLC freely… Make this part of your daily approach to life and your relationship.
Make Meditation a part of your daily life as well. This is your direct line to your Self, your Soul…
When you start aligning with your Authentic Self, Soul, things begin to make sense…, your life becomes more beautiful… It’s actually this simple…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you know when you get on your partner’s nerves? There is a general underlying theme to the complaints couples usually share and that is that their partner is being egocentric. Egocentrism gets in the way of witnessing our partner’s beauty, gifts and contributions.
It keeps us trapped in our mind’s machinations and delusions keeping us from Being our Authentic Self. Egocentrism prevents us from connecting with our partner and from having the relationship we want.
Most complaints can be boiled down to partners being egocentric. And, yes, this applies to those with codependent tendencies as well… Partners get stuck on their perspective, expectations, position, blaming the other or looking for the other’s shortcomings, and how their needs are not met. We can’t see our partner in all their glory – their brilliance, intentions, and love. We can’t be mindful and loving.
Egocentric interactions cause pain. Our behavior is reactive and calculated. We are out to get our needs met no matter what – most of the times at our partner’s and the relationship’s expense… The result is that we actually don’t really get our needs met…
Characteristics of egocentric behavior include being: inconsiderate, self-righteous, controlling, rigid, manipulative, flaky, unaccountable, aggressive, passive-aggressive, overbearing, invisible, withdrawn or non-involved. It is impossible to create a wonderful relationship when we use these tactics.
These hurt our partner and invite them to protect themselves, even retaliate, creating reciprocal negative and dissatisfying interactions. The stuckness in our relationship is made up of this yucky pattern.
Egocentrism comes from fear. We are egocentric as a means to make sure we are OK. Our ego is out to protect us unfortunately to our detriment as it forges “separateness” promoting additional fear and pain. What we desired in the first place, being connected, accepted and loved, is but impossible to get when we operate from this place. We are actually putting our hand up and saying ‘stop’.
Your stretch is to recognize when you are operating from an ego, fear-based place and move yourself to a heart centered, love-based place; mind your yucky thinking, engage your Authentic Self. When you recognize that you are being egocentric, you can bet your partner has not been experiencing you as loving. You have most likely been getting on their nerves and hurting them.
Once you are able to recognize that you’ve been egocentric, you can share your revelation with your partner. Share your fear script, your doubts, and your pain. Remember to speak about your vulnerability and not about how your partner contributed to the dissatisfying interaction. No need to overload, an acknowledgement of your wrong approach and reason behind it is sufficient.
Communicating on your process and sharing your vulnerability is validating to your partner allowing them to make sense of things, which in turn takes the sting away. This is an awesome repair skill to make nice after you’ve been hurtful. This level of self-ownership is empowering and healing, and builds intimacy and connection. Go for it, stop getting on your partner’s nerves!
Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Happy Repairing!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
This week, think about one of your reactions, positions, or behavior that you can recognize as egocentric, fear driven.
Think about how this could have been experienced by your partner… And, how they might have felt.
Create a soft, playful, fun, cozy, mindful, safe moment during which you can share your insight with your partner.
Add this to your took kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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