What is your tradition for wrapping up the year? What kind of bow do you like to put on it? Have you acknowledged all your accomplishments and experiences you’ve had this year? Have you wrapped up anything you don’t want to carry into the New Year? What else are you leaving behind? Do you have any other special transition practices to glide into the New Year? How are you having your Future Self’s back? How are you resetting and realigning for your New Beginning? Now is the time to give all this some thought to have a magnificent and smoother transition into the New Year…
And what does resetting and realigning mean?
~ They mean that you revisit what who you are and how you become more your true self… ~ They mean that you revisit what kind of partner you want to be and what kind of relationship you want to create… ~ They mean that you revisit what kind of lifestyle you want to live and what kind of life you want to create…
Tall order? Maybe, but this doesn’t have to be intimidating. You can focus only on the area that resonates most for you if you want to streamline your process. The key here is that what we focus on grows- or becomes, or we create… By giving attention to what we desire, not what we don’t desire mind you, we energize it and make it so… I know, not very scientific but I’ll spare you those insights for the sake of getting to the crux of it here for you.
Our Signature Planning Processcan help you get all this under your belt. A key concept as you do your planning is that it requires some dreaming. This is the fun part in my opinion, aside from setting up the actual strategyof course… (Yes, I can be nerdy- don’t judge me! LOL) Do dare to get in touch with your big dreams. Go big, why not? What would light up your heart should that thing come to be?
Remember, that accomplishing some part of a big dream is a lot more that accomplishing all of a small one or nothing from not having one… Don’t let your dream, or your partner’s intimidate you. The other thing is to then find a way of making those a shared dream. This is where the juice is- togetherness, meaning, purpose, synergy, joy, happiness… Have fun with this!
In today’s video, I share about Element 5 of our Successful Relationship Strategy™- Collaboration & Partnership, where we align with our partner to become a strong partnership and to create the life of our dreams…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Is our partner really separate from us, or are they a part of us? It is obvious that our partner is a separate entity from us. They have their own body, their own brain, their own most things… Yet, we treat them as if they are a part of us that we own… But maybe they are a part of us in a different way… And we just don’t know how to better relate to them from that perspective… Maybe the answer is to embrace your partner as a blessing…
It’s interesting what happens in relationships when the partners still have a codependency operating system… They lack boundaries and personal ownership. They suffocate their partner by entrapping them, and by spilling and projecting their stuff onto them. They control, manipulate, and coerce. They act as if the partner belongs to them, and they live in the other’s circle…
This is unfortunate as it mucks the beauty and gift inherent in their partner and the relationship…
When partners operate dirty like this, it’s very challenging to make heads or tails of what’s happening in the relationship. So, the first order of business is to establish some effective loving boundaries and increase personal ownership, so the spinning, looping, and drama can stop.
Embrace Your Partner
Once the partners have this under their belt, once they more fully own themselves, not the other, and can stand still, then they can witness their partner… They couldn’t see their partner before as they only saw projections of themselves and were only privy to the other’s resulting reactivity and sensitivities…
With cleaner interactions, the partners can start understanding their relating and dynamics better. They can also now better see their partner… And what a beautiful sight that is!
Now they can see the gift that their partner is– how they are a mirror that reflects us, how they provide the opportunities for growth and evolution, and how they provide a safe haven for exploration and practice…
This is a true Partner, beyond a partner with whom we create a practical daily life… With this Partner, expansion is possible…
Through this partnership, we are not separate… Through this partnership we commune at a higher level where we are One…
By owning our seemingly separateness we are able to experience our true togetherness, our Oneness…
When we can transcend the mundane, the triggers, the ego in our interactions with our partner, that’s when we can truly commune with them and witness our wholeness in our Oneness…
And this is how our partner is a Blessing in our life…
APPLICATION: Take a beat to reflect upon your relationship and your partner…
~ How do you entrap them? How do you control, manipulate, or coerce them- how do you jedi-mind-trick them? What do you project onto them? How do you invite them into the drama?
~ Where can you own yourself more and take full ownership of yourself?
~ How does the Blessing of your Partner, enable expansion in your life?
When we stop the spinning and looping, we have a cleaner experience with ourselves which allows us to have a clearer and more expansive experience with our Partner…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is a wonder that couples figure out how to get along and create a joint life together. Partners usually experience love, attention, intimacy, communication, conflict, money, holidays, time, space, and everything else differently. They bring to their experience their history, upbringing, culture, spirituality and many other influences. Yet, they still have one very important thing in common, their need to feel loved, valued and accepted.
The kicker is that even though this is one of our prime directives, and a main objective of our human experience, we manage to botch this. We want love, attention, affection and connection, but we do everything in our power to actually not get this… We sabotage our relationship satisfaction, our happiness, and the success of our Experience every chance we get.
We walk around with blinders on oblivious to our brilliance, oblivious to the gift that is our partner and to all the opportunities for growth, healing and creating that are thrown our way. If only we could just wake up. Oh wait, we can!
Unfortunately, I’ve been acquainted with those that want to stay asleep and love blaming their misfortune on everything and everybody else. The pity is that they are not aware that they are sleeping and refuse to see anything remotely telling… They sit in their self-righteousness, entitlement, ignorance, and arrogance. They love their box.
Oh, do they love their box! These are the partners that do really funny stuff in their interactions and do all kinds of funky behaviors in the name of “normalcy” and “self-care”… These partners cross boundaries, dishonor themselves, have poor accountability and live as victims…
All it takes is to say – NO MORE! Make a commitment to opening your eyes, to embracing your full Authentic Self, to partnering with your Partner…
Do you want to connect more deeply and intimately with your partner? The strategy around this is to remain flexible. Often times we control the plan, event, situation, interaction, routine, and ritual in order to supposedly get what we want. And wanting we’ll remain…
The trouble with this approach is that it guarantees just the opposite for in rigidness we can’t show up and be our Authentic Self. To boot, there is no space for our partner to show up either. We set up this perfect conundrum over and over, and then wonder how come our relationship and our life are not working.
So, in flexibility there is opportunity for slowing down, syncing up, seeing each other, witnessing the other’s brilliance,receiving our Partner, enjoying the beauty of the moment, getting grounded, Being present. This is what makes up all the little moments that create our relationship.
This is what allows for larger and more meaningful moments to take place. This is what allows for spontaneity to happen and therefore Life. When we are flexible our energy flows, we are Alive.
The opportunities to be flexible are endless. Our job is to make sure we are flexible where it counts. Most of the time we are flexible in areas that harm us and are inflexible in areas that enrich us. We’d have no problem eating an extra cookie, but should our partner ask to spend time with us when we are busy we are quick to deny the request.
We love being busy. We believe that if we Do we Exist, so we do more. We derive our worth from our “busyness” all but forgetting to Be. In our Doing we become rigid getting ourselves stuck and disconnected. Being flexible allows us to Be, to Live, to Love and to Be in Connection.
The next time your partner approaches you trying to connect, stay open and flexible. Slow down. Allow yourself the luxury of Being with your Partner. Enjoy your Gift. Enjoy your Connection!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Flexibility enables connection. Strengthen your flexibility muscle by considering different options when opportunities arise. Choose outside of your usual repertoire. Try this in all areas of your life for a fuller experience and expedited development. Be extra generous when entertaining the options in relation to your partner’s attempts at connection… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
In most relationships usually one partner wants more closeness and togetherness than the other. The partner that wants the togetherness and closeness derives their safety, meaning, and joy from being in relationship and in connection.
They are the ones that do the “relationship work”, make the plans and keep the social calendar, they make sure everything in the home runs smoothly and that everyone has what they need, and are the ones that need to be in “touch”. When this is disrupted in anyway they don’t feel safe, comfortable, grounded, happy, important or valued. In their worst moments, they have the experience of being pushed off, or falling off, a cliff.
These partners tend to be controlling to prevent having this experience and come across as “nuts”, bossy, demanding, critical, mean, uncaring, selfish, reactive, needy and the like. What an irony when their underlying feelings are so raw and vulnerable, when they are feeling so powerless and unloved. Because of their approach to getting love, feeling connection and being together they actually create the opposite.
They push their partner away. They shut down their partner. They are usually a force to be contented with, which their partner is not equipped to do… For you see, they tend to attract a partner who is sensitive to feeling smothered, criticized and not feeling good enough… Therefore with the approach at hand they end up shooting themselves on the foot.
To make matters worse, these partners have a difficult time receiving love, attention, care, appreciation, nurturing, and other niceties… So, even if their partner is able to Stretch to stay in the intensity and stay connected, they are usually not received well… This creates a catch 22 for them, leaving the partners in pain.
The partner seeking the connection has a difficult time trusting the connection being offered because they know it won’t last and the anticipation of the impending “separation” is too much to bear. Also in connection they are “seen” and “see” themselves kicking-up (triggering) all sorts of goodies (shame) exacerbating this dilemma. Connection involves showing up…
This is the challenge. They need to show up for their partner and in their interaction, when they don’t even have their Self… The partner seeking attention and connection is so used to doing for others and caretaking that they are not fully in touch with their Self.
Their sense of Self is not fully developed or strong, making it difficult to bring it out to play… The thing they desire most, connection and attention, is then very scary and threatening. They end up doing funny business when they do get what they desire, giving their partner mixed messages and rejecting the very thing they are after. What a conundrum!
At the end of the day the partner that complains that their partner is not available is not really available either… Ha! This angle on the dynamics is very challenging for the “connecter” to see. They are all about connecting, feeling their partner and being together that at first glance this doesn’t seem to fit…
They’ll make all sorts of claims about how much they wait for the other, how much they reach out, how they do all the nurturing, how the make all the plans, how they do all the asking and taking care of things, and on and on. And, they are right.
They do all that, but that doesn’t make them available… When their partner responds they are met with criticism, nagging, demands, Doing, and such. They are not really Showing-up. They are not Present. They are not Available.
The trick here is to Be, to be available, to be able to feel the other. When we are present we can connect. A lot to times our “disconnector” partner is looking for us and they can’t find us, they can’t “see” Us… Our shell, our body, our noise, our Defenses are there – but We are not… We are busy Doing because we can’t sit with the uncomfortableness of not doing.
We don’t know how, we feel lonely, alone and unworthy – noise and stuff is better to our untrained psyche, our Ego. But in stillness and quiet we can Be, we can feel and know our Self. We get to connect with our Self… We can feel the bond with our Authentic Self, our Higher Self…
When we feel our Self, connect with our Self, we are not alone. Not only do we have our Self, but we are also connected to our Higher Power… We are NEVER alone… When we connect to our Self, our Authentic Self, our Awesomeness is available. And, it is not only available to us, for our Purpose, but to our Partner. They can now feel us. They can now connect with us. They can now be safe around us…
It is time to stop complaining that your partner is not available… Turn to your Self instead and really see if You are available. Do this when you are open and receptive, and in a Self Growth Place™. Doing it at any other time is counterintuitive and defeats the purpose for you won’t See… When you do get in touch with this, you will have moved to a new phase in your Journey.
Investing in your life and relationship becomes Fun… You’d have transcended the stuckness, and now you’d have a blank canvas in front of you to create Connection to your Heart’s content…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to review the last two weeks and notice when you were not available to your partner. Go deeper than just not being around or being busy… Even when you believe you were available, assess if you really were… How are you not fully available? How are you not Showing-up?
How are you not Being your Authentic Self? How are you rejecting connection from your partner (who is supposedly the unavailable one…)? Take a deep breath and give your Self compassion… Think of 3 things you can do differently to become available… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s interesting that we seek “togetherness” in our relationship, but this is exactly what brings about its demise and our general unhappiness … As a culture, we are experiencing numbness, a lack of Desire in our Relationship … Monogamy, exclusivity, our partner-meeting-all-our-needs, marriage for love is a fairly new phenomenon in our society, a conundrum actually.
We set up the institution of marriage to fail by bringing our archaic Being into it. Our un-evolved, wounded, low frequency, disowned Self has the prime directive to feel safe through attachment, and therefore approaches “togetherness” with a reactive balancing act of clinging and distancing for self preservation …
This is an Ego approach to togetherness, relationship, and marriage which creates physical and energetic space, distance and disconnect.
All while remaining psychically fused, enmeshed, symbiotic, codependent, “together” … The death of actual intimacy, excitement and Aliveness …
Our culture’s obsession with individualism, independence and autonomy creates attachment rupture early in life and then tops this injury with inadequate launching of its young breeding the Ego approach to life and relationships and preserving the underdeveloped psyche, Self.
As a result, we buy into the illusion of being “separate” (individual) and attempting to be “together” (close) when the opposite is true. We are fused and distant perpetuating disconnect, detachment, indifference, paralyses, dissatisfaction, stuckness, ambivalence, and apathy. Definitely not Desire and Aliveness …
We mean well. We have the right idea, to pursue togetherness (intimacy, closeness) while remaining separate (individual) but we are going about this all wrong. Our unmet emotional needs prompt us to seek “togetherness” through the clinging and distancing pattern we all know too well eternalizing the status quo with its continuous recreation of rapture and disregulation.
Our psychic investment in getting our emotional needs met tromps our ability to be effectively separate creating a missing the forest for the tree syndrome …
This proximity prevents us from seeing our Partner, from knowing them for who they truly are and vise versa. This proximity prevents us from genuinely showing up, from being who we are … It robs us of the opportunity to see the Man or Woman behind the label (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, mother, father); to be the Man or Woman behind the label …
There is no faster way to kill Desire than by playing our everyday roles … They are familial, domestic, routine and restrictive. They are not sexy!
Further more, this level of “proximity,” trying to get our emotional intimacy needs met and following societal definitions of our prescribed roles, thwarts curiosity, mystery, and longing elemental to Desire. So, not only do we not get to see our partner, we also don’t get to miss our partner… And, we don’t even know what we might be missing! We just stew stubbornly in our unhappiness …
The key is to ride the uncomfortable edge, to straddle the line between closeness and space, with mindfulness, respectfulness, receptiveness, acceptance, openness, flexibility, compassion, forgiveness, humanity, responsiveness and progressiveness …
No longer be me- or other-focused, just Be. Bring your Self to the in-between … Expand the in-between, Play there … Now this is sexy! This unleashes Attraction, Desire, Passion, Aliveness … And, in this space you are One … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Playing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
What makes you You? What is unique and beautiful about you? What are your interests? What grabs your attention? What’s your philosophy in life? How is your lens different? How does this manifest in your surroundings, opportunities, relationships and how you carry your Self? How do you show this to your partner? Do you show this to your partner? Does your partner get to see you? Make two “moves” that will allow your partner to see you …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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