Time is a commodity in short supply depending on how you approach it … If you are strict about measuring time by the clock and calendar, there will never be enough hours in a day to create a lifetime of pleasure and purpose …
On the other hand, if you choose to Experience time, Being in the moment, you’d transcend the time-space-reality barriers and instead join the Vastness that Is. Here is when time becomes limitless and where all Abundance resides … Here is where joy, happiness and contentment happens. Here is where we make the difference and fulfill our Destiny …
The challenge is that we get distracted from the moment, from Being, by all the noise we create by doing! We put ourselves in a hamster wheel and then wonder why life, and our relationship, feel meaningless and exhausting. To top it off, partners are in their own wheels! We make it impossible to fulfill our commitment to our Journey …
This is detrimental to our relationship. It is impossible to synchronize, connect, feel each other, and feel our love if we are in separate worlds and in constant motion. We are moving targets!
It’s time to recognize the reality of this, acknowledge its impact, and do repair and rebuilding before the “clock runs out”.
First off, get off the hamster wheel! Take a ruthless look at your situation and how you are creating chaos and noise in your life. Be honest. Identify the demands, distractions, obligations, inefficiencies and redundancies that are energy suckers and black holes in your life.
Take a look at your commitments, routine and situation. Do these honor you? Do they add to the quality of your life? Are they in alignment with your Authentic Self, your core values, and your purpose in life?
We have a tendency to operate with blinders on convincing ourselves that how we do things works, that we need the things we have, that the world will fall apart if we don’t do everything on our to-do list, that more is better. Stop the race. Life is not a marathon. Slow down the pace, remove the noise,clear out the clutter, restructure the routine – free up your Energy. When you remove the shackles you have Time, the possibility, to Be.
And this is Magnificent, for in your Being you are grounded, available, connected and abundant. You are Splendid. You are infinitely attractive … This is the partner your partner is attracted to. This is the partner your partner can relate to. This is the partner our partner enjoys. This is the Partner your Partner Loves.
Let’s take this a step further and get a little crazy. How about making Time for our Partner!? (sarcasm …) Imagine you align your schedules, calendars, routines, rhythms … Imagine that you bring You, in all your Splendor, to the places of convergence. Imagine how Glorious those interactions can be … This does not have to reside in your imagination only, for once you imagine it you can create it … Trust me …
Start with this:
1) Set the intention to have this – make the picture really vivid with colors, feelings and meaning …
2) Start creating Time
3) Invite your Partner to synchronize
4) Show up in your Splendor
When you choose to get off the hamster wheel with your doing and decide to Be, Live, you have All the Time in the Universe … Time, Abundance and Love are then not a scarcity … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Timing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Take stock of where your divergent point(s) happen in your relationship. Where in time and space do you find you miss each other? Where are you ships crossing in the night? When do most of your fights or disagreements happen? When do you feel the worst about your relationship or your partner (lonely, rejected, critical, hopeless, stuck, etc.)? These are all opportunities for creating Magnificence – you are not in sync or attuned, there is no space, and you are not showing up … Line up your Timing and approach your partner in your Splendor …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships.
I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship.
There are three steps to this process:
1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)
2) Stopping the pattern (insight and stretch)
3) Repairing, Rebuilding, and Revitalizing (skill and action)
Recognizing the pattern is a massive first step. I know that you know when you are in it. I know you recognize the repetitiveness of it, and the stuck and hopeless feeling. So, recognizing the pattern as the first step might seem silly to you, but stick with me as there is actually a lot more here…
Couples feel stuck when they start arguing and can’t resolve their disagreement. They recognize the pattern here: how they feel, their approach, and the outcome. I want to challenge you to dissect, deconstruct, this further in order to identify opportunities for “doing” something different and therefore allowing, inviting, and creating a different outcome and the possibility for something amazing.
The pattern has typical elements. Here is a basic overview to get you started:
Resistance and ambivalence: The disagreement actually happened way before the fight … If you are fighting, consider yourself lucky as the disagreement is now overt and can be addressed …
The first sign that you are entering the twilight zone is when your partner is non-compliant, non-responsive, and you experience either of you doing aggressive, intrusive, controlling, flaky or flighty or wishy-washy, forgetful, manipulative, passive aggressive or other non-self-owing behavior. This is the sign that you are not on the same page.
Tension and intensity: Things start feeling weird. Physical symptoms might manifest (head, back, stomach or other ache, allergies, cough, losing one’s voice (literally), diarrhea, cramps, etc.). Negative emotions start to escalate (anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, rejection, overwhelm, etc.).
Circularity: You want to address what is going on and get to some resolution, but don’t know how. You start tip-toeing around, or possibly lashing out, in an attempt to synchronize, connect, get on the same page, get your needs met, or prevent a fight. You start saying the same old things, repeating yourself, you hear the same old from your partner – historical loaded words, phrases or requests show up.
You both become stubborn. Your logic becomes very rigid, narrow, black-n-white, loopy, but most importantly, your internal process becomes a broken record … If you pay attention, you’ll notice your “story” showing up, your script, your saga, your rules and expectations … This “mindset” makes up your overarching relationship pattern …
Defensiveness and reactivity: At this point you are in the middle of if. You know you are in the pattern and you go around and around. You become defensive and lose sight of your partner and the bigger picture. Responses become reactive and attacking. Inappropriate, acting out, behavior might be thrown into the mix. This can become the point of no return in this round …
You can prevent this. When you start observing and decoding what’s happening, you are already intervening in both your behalf’s and starting the “pattern interruption.” You are on the right track to resolving the impasse!
The next step is to go a little deeper and understand the trigger, the point of divergence. This is the root of the disagreement. This is where old hurts, projections, identification, internalizing, mind-reading, assigning of negative motives, assumptions, unexpressed expectations and needs, etc. come into play.
This is the fertile ground for growth and healing. This is where your stretch is needed to break out of your mold to do better for your Self, and activate parts of yourself that allow you to be there for your partner in the way they need it … Once you transcend your fight and bring this to the table, you’ll be having a very different conversation … You can now address the source of the disagreement and get resolution …
But even more magnificently, this is where you get to create the relationship you want. This is where the fun begins. This is where the “relationship work” is exciting, captivating, alluring, inviting, seductive, enthralling, seamless, effortless. This is the intentional relationship where you put in the good stuff and create pure awesomeness.
This is the possibility after you get out of your own way … You are ready to repair, rebuild and revitalize. You can learn how to do this and apply it. You look forward to learning and applying it. You start breaking your own rules and thinking outside the box. This is where the magic is unleashed. This is where your vibrant relationship is created. It is absolutely breathtaking to be in this place!
Get out of our own way, break your own rules and be blown away by what lies just up ahead … !
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Rule Breaking!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Invite your partner into a dissection discussion. Review a prior fight looking for places where you each could have responded differently and how to foster togetherness, team work and support, cohesiveness, understanding, compassion, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, closeness, and intimacy …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The Holidays are always a difficult time of year for people for many reasons. At the risk of adding to the plethora of writing on this topic, I still feel called to share with you how you can use this time as an opportunity for change and creating an amazing life and relationship. I invite you to look at the Holidays not as something to endure, get through and manage, but as a fertile ground of new possibilities.
I ask that you put aside your usual thinking about the planning and celebrating of the Holidays, and instead look at them as a mirror of your life and relationship … Take a deep breath and hang in here with me … Let’s get down and dirty.
The way you do the Holidays, and any other celebrations, is how you do your relationship … Take a moment to think about this. I’m asking to transcend and stretch your thinking … Give this a try and remove yourself from your earthly, material, and practical perspective and engage your essence and energy. Take deep breath …
Can you see the parallel? Can you see that your MO shows up everywhere? Can you see that what you put in is what you get back? Can you see that you are writing your own story? Can you see that you invite what you get? Can you see that how authentic you are (core you without defense mechanisms!) in your relationship translates to how intimate you can be in your relationship? Can you see that how much you show up in your life dictates the kind of life you have?? Take another deep breath …
The way you go about doing the Holidays is how you go about doing your relationship and your partner, and how you engage with them during the Holidays is how you usually engage with them … How has this been working for you?
The challenge I propose today is to do this differently. I want you to plan your Holidays using your Authentic Self, your Being … Bring your Energy to your planning, and give your Doing a break … Get out of your own way and allow the beauty of others to join you …
Get out of your own way and allow YOUR beauty to show up! If your Energy could speak … What would it say? What would it ask for? What would it set up? What would it give? Remember, your Energy is Love, Nurturing, Compassion, Abundance, Forgiveness, Generosity, Creativity, Flexibility, Patience, Tolerance, Acceptance, Community, Togetherness, Security, Strength, Power, Peace, Passion, Vibrancy, Light, Life …
Your Energy can speak … Your energy is You … Use your Self well. Just show up! In showing up, you have won the war. You have transcended Fear, you have beat the Ego, you rejoice with your partner’s Self, and you are in Communion, and All is well …
Go for it, decide how and where you’ll show up, gift others with your Presence, and stop the mediocracy today!
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Showing Up!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Think on an area of Holiday Merriment that usually creates stress for you. Let go of the practical aspect of this challenge and put it instead into relationship terms … How would you like the big picture to be different? Who would you have to be to belong in that picture? Go for it, embrace your Higher Self and show up as you wish you could … It is that simple …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We have a tendency to focus on the negatives, what doesn’t work, weaknesses and deficiencies, and how much our partner “sucks”. This is the kiss of death in life and relationships. This is a sure way of staying stuck in the status quo for what we focus on persists: we co-create it, manifest it, invite it …
The focus on negativity creates a state of fear which induces a fight, flight or freeze response:
Thoughts -> Feelings -> Action
If you think negative thoughts, what I call “crooked thinking” (not reality based …), you generate negative feelings (pain …), and therefore the resulting actions are meant to swiftly address this pain. But as they are ill-conceived they are in the form of defense mechanisms and reactivity creating more issues and more pain. This becomes a vicious cycle keeping you from moving forward in your life and stuck in a dissatisfying relationship.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what happens in relationships when the focus is on the negatives and what doesn’t work … The resulting criticism, complaining, power struggling, and lack and deprivation erode the bond, connection, passion and good will.
As you can imagine this creates a toxic situation that becomes pervasive and impossible to live with. It sucks the life out of your relationship, and your life … You don’t even have to be verbally critical – show disapproval with your body language and facial expressions, or even just in your thoughts … the impact is the same!!
Fortunately, there is a VERY simple solution to this dilemma and tendency … The antidote to this plague is Appreciation … The brain can not physically, biologically, have its fear and appreciation centers activated simultaneously. This means that if we can figure out how to be in a state of appreciation, we can bypass the fear state and therefore break this cycle!
Here are two methods I teach my peeps to use to enrich their relationship and life:
Appreciation RX: Once the brain’s appreciation center is activated, and the feeling good chemicals are released, its blissful effect lasts for a few hours. Therefore, I devised this intervention where you are “prescribed” to take an appreciation “dose” 3x / day. This can translate into doing appreciations at breakfast, lunch and dinner – just like taking medicine or vitamins!
You can build this into any kind of ritual, or routine, that works for you like being thankful for meals, brushing teeth, drinking coffee, commuting, etc.
Appreciations don’t have to be anything fancy – don’t let this task scare you. Just open your eyes and see the beauty around you… There is plenty to see! Be thankful for what is…
Partner Appreciation: I know that when we are hurt, disappointed or feeling resentful that it is close to impossible to think of what we appreciate about our partner and even harder to share this with them. Herein lies the beauty of this exercise. When you stretch to focus on the positive and notice your partner’s magnificence, and therefore what they bring to the relationship, you are then gifted with their magnificence!
This is an amazing feat not only because we have the tendency to look for negatives and deficiencies, because in partnership we trigger each other for the purpose of growing and healing, but because our ego is threatened. To be able to transcend all this and truly see your partner, and then share it with them – WOW! When you start doing this, you start experiencing the relationship you want!
It IS that simple! Focus on what your partner contributes, things you like about them, things they’ve done that touch you, notice the effort they put in and how they are trying (yes, they are trying their own way…). Appreciate this, and lo and behold!
Don’t let your relationship continue to suffer at the mercy of negatives. Implement one of the methods now, and start creating changes. Hey, do both for good measure and maximum impact! Go for it, give them a try.
Do the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly implement this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Notice the good, acknowledge the gifts, be Thankful – express your Appreciation!
Happy Appreciating!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Share this concept with your partner and commit to having an appreciation session (10 min) once a week at a mutually agreeable time.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you generous in your relationship? Do you freely give from your heart with no strings attached, tit-for-tat, score keeping, need for acknowledgement, manipulation, or any other funny business?
This may appear as an obvious rule to follow in our relationship but I actually find that it’s not, especially for couples that are struggling. I come across much crooked logic around how partners choose to interact and give. They create so much suffering.
Partners have different ways of withholding. Withholding comes from a fear of self extinction, not existing, annihilation, and the need for self preservation … The giver has to make sure they also get for in getting they know they exist … Also, being stingy gives the false impression of security, keeping reserves, and being safe or protected.
These create a power struggle, conflict, drama, and pain in the relationship. Partners experience this as being taken for granted, abandoned, neglected, and punished. In their stinginess they stifle the natural flow of abundance, aliveness, love, passion – thereby keeping themselves and the relationship in a state of deprivation, paralyzed, stuck …
However you are withholding is obviously not conducive for creating the relationship you want. There are two paths you can follow to rectifying this.
1) Psychological: Address the underlying driving motivation for your choices, the fear of self extinction and need for self preservation, in more healthy and productive ways … (Beyond today’s topic)
2) Practical: Make a commitment to creating an awesome relationship, and start giving from the heart effortlessly by replacing your giving style with laser beam targeted loving guaranteed to touch your partner!
When you choose to put your funny business aside and genuinely and fully commit to making your relationship work, magic starts to happen. I’ve seen it, and I’m no Tinker Bell!
When you make this kind of commitment, you start operating from a heart-centered place – becoming open minded, flexible, patient, understanding, accepting, compassionate. You begin to understand and accept how your partner wants to be loved, and what touches them. You can begin to give from the heart and do informed giving.
Sometimes, even though we have the best of intentions, and come from a very loving place, our efforts still do not touch our partner’s heart, nor do we know what would. This might feel hopeless, but there is no need to despair. A little curiosity, investigating, and mindfulness goes a long way.
The tip is to identify your partner’s love language (refer to the list below, and you can refer to The 5 Love Languages) and to make sure you give to your partner in the way they prefer to receive love… You can give laser beam targeted loving!
Below are the 5 ways for giving targeted loving to match your partner’s love language preference, and at the end is your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you get started:
Acts of Service – Do things for them, help with tasks, take care of things that need doing, offer to help with projects, surprise them by fixing, buying, planning, etc. without their asking, take charge and lead gently
Time Together – Spend quality time together, plan dates, join in activities, tackle projects together, create new rituals, synchronize your routines, plan special couple moments
Physical Intimacy – Do a lot of touching, caressing, hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, other forms of affection, and enrich your sensual and sexual repertoire
Words of Acknowledgement – Shower your partner with compliments and praise, show appreciation for their contributions, give validation for their experience, give credit for their efforts
Material Gifts – Know what kinds of things your partner likes (when in doubt fish around or ASK!), tailor your gifts to their personality, style, profession, talents, interests, needs, celebration, milestones, etc.
It’s time to be more generous, start giving from the heart, give laser beam targeted loving for maximum impact! Let your partner feel your love!
Embrace your generosity today!
Happy Giving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Invite your partner into a discussion about your Love Languages and how you each like to receive love. Identify and share with each other your own primary love language, and then explore how you each can give love to the other in their love language so they can feel your efforts.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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