Whether there is a lot of fighting and bickering or quiet discontent and separateness, most couples struggle in their relationship. You might feel dissatisfaction, loneliness, and hopelessness seep in and take an unrelenting hold of your relationship from which you can’t seem to figure out a way to feel okay in your relationship and with your partner.
A daunting sense of despair, panic and / or paralysis might overcome you perpetuating the hurtful cycle (the demand / withdraw, pursuer / distancer, over- / underfunctioner, maximizer / minimizer pattern of relating). This is a result of using self-defeating defense mechanisms when triggered by the repeated unsuccessful attempts at trying to connect with our partner.
When we feel vulnerable, stressed, concerned, needy or just simply need to be in connection, we put our feelers out for our partner for comfort and might try approaching our partner for the safety of connection. This is an evolutionary bonding need that ensures our survival.
In connection we survive and thrive. When our approach is thwarted, dismissed, rejected, ignored or not recognized and our need goes unmet, we feel a sense of doom. Our very survival is at stake.
It is imperative for partners to feel connected to ensure a satisfying relationship and a sense of wellbeing. There are three key components (captured with the A.R.E. acronym) to making this happen according to attachment expert Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight. These include:
Accessibiltiy (Can I reach you?) Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?) Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?)When our partner is consistently available, open, receptive and approachable, we know we can turn to them.
When our partner is attuned, accepting, and makes us a priority we know we can count on them. When our partner is absorbed, attracted, involved, and interested, we feel special and wanted – we know we exist and we are OK.
This is the recipe for creating and sustaining connection and strengthening your bond. When you are accessible, responsive and engaged toward your partner, as best you can be even when things are rough, you become safe to your partner and in turn invite them to reciprocate. You change your dissatisfying interaction cycle to a satisfying, healing and loving one.
This is how we enjoy connection. This is how we are OK. This is what you get out of being in relationship. Give it a try. Give your partner the A.R.E. and invite them to thrive in connection.
Happy Connecting and Bonding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about how you can each be more accessible, responsive and engaged with each other. Take turns speaking for yourself and how you intend to enhance your bond and connection.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Some couples experience a lot of discomfort, dissatisfaction and unhappiness in their relationship as the partners have a hard time syncing, seeing eye-to-eye, understanding each other and connecting. This is not just about hectic schedules or intense life styles, different communication styles, gender or other differences for as these are addressed the dejection remains…
There is a human fundamental need that is not met for the partners in these couples. The need of being Accepted – to know that they are OK, that they exist, that they matter.
Partners struggle to be heard, seen, validated, recognized, praised, acknowledged, and cherished for who and what they are. In their struggle they go to any lengths to achieve this and in the process lose sight of their partner. They fail to recognize that their partner has the same need and is seeking the very same thing.
They both go about relating and interacting with each other in hurtful ways, denying each others’ reality and very existence trying as hard as they can to show themselves up. And, show themselves up they do – in very unkind ways!
This is the easiest way for a relationship to disintegrate. Partners do not feel gotten and revered by their partner experiencing a loss that deadens their chemistry and wanes their interest for each other, and/or a rage that creates chaos and drama in their life. These partners are in a lot of pain.
They are too busy assigning motive or telling each other how to Be and/or working so hard at protecting themselves and getting trapped behind the wall they put up, that they make it impossible to relate and connect with each other in a satisfying and meaningful way.
When we work so hard at being seen, we end up not being ourselves anyway… and we miss out on actually truly beholding our partner! A real tragedy. How about we stop trying so hard to be seen, and just show up as we Are, and work really hard instead at seeing our partner? Seeing and Accepting our partner does not deny who we are…
Happy Beholding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Find a creative way to show your partner you see their True Self. Celebrate them.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you ever wondered how some people create successful lives and others settle for mediocre ones? Have you taken this a step further and wondered how some people create successful relationships and others settle for mediocre ones? I have.
This is my life’s purpose… It’s a constant wonder and question for me. My every breath, thought, and action revolve around this. I’m obsessed with this. There is a common theme to my musings, research, and work driven by the question of how we can Be our Best Self… Reach our Highest Potential…
What’s really amazing to even me is that I don’t get tired of this and I’m not kidding, I’m obsessed. I build my days around these concepts. They drive my every intervention in session with my clients and are the drivers behind everything I create.
How can we do this better? How can we build on our strengths? How can we invest, contribute, nurture, related, etc. better? All driven by a desired to see people accomplished in life and in their relationship… I want us to have our best Human Experience…
As I continue on my search to assist others, and myself, in this endeavor I have found a common denominator underlying an awesome life and relationship. I have found that to be Self Love and Self Acceptance… I’ve written about this before maybe not in these exact terms, but the theme has been pervasive. It is ringing loud in my head.
As if I’m to go to the top of a mountain and yell this down for those that still don’t get it to get on board… I’m reading works on high achievement and performance, peak potential, conscious living and the like. I’m fine-tuning my language and context… I’m learning that even more specifically, the key is Self Mastery.
It exhilarates me to explore and research this, to connect the dots in different ways, to integrate concepts, fields and schools in new ways, to translate them into accessible frameworks, to devise practical mechanisms for ready consumption for improving our quality of life and relationship.
The marrying of Self Mastery to creating our Authentic Life and Awesome Relationship is paramount. I am now understanding more and more my purpose…, how I’m the translator and integrator of these concepts and conduit for implementation. At first glance, this might all seem obvious and others are already on this wagon. But if this is so obvious and accessible, why aren’t we all extremely successful in all areas of our life?
I know that we are our own worst enemy. We for sure get in our own way. I see this day in and day out in my practice, and dare I share, in my own life. I know we are not perfect. But I know most of us can do much better than we do… Therefore, the challenge of the day is how can we improve our Self Mastery? How can we take charge of ALL aspects of our lives in a way that create massive results for us?
We have a tendency to play victim, point fingers, blame circumstances, and find excuses for things that don’t go as we wish in our lives. What we fail to see over and over is that we are creating our life either intentionally or unintentionally. Either by design, or by accident and lack of ownership, we are creating it…
It is imperative that we start taking charge, that we set out to intentionally create what we desire, that we make sure we function at our most optimal level, that we do not leave anything to chance. Why wouldn’t we go about creating a Magnificent Life and Relationship intentionally, rather than leaving it to chance and trial and error? Doesn’t that seem silly to you not to do so?
So for today, I want us to first take a pledge to take our life seriously and to decide to create a Master Piece – obviously including our relationship… Then, I want us to focus on developing Self Mastery.
This means: — Learning Healthy Self Soothing and Self Management Techniques — Working Through Fear and Limiting Mindset — Breaking Bad Habits and Creating Healthy Ones — Developing, Implementing and Sticking to our Self Care Plan — Generating Naturally Unlimited Energy — Harnessing the Power of Focus — Creating a Personal Brand — Embracing Your Purpose
I know that Being our Best Self invites our Partner’s Best Self to come out and play with us… I know that when we bring our Best Self forward, we create and attract awesomeness in our life and relationship. I know that when we bring our Best Self forward that we live our Authentic Life. I know that when we rock, we Rock!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Rocking!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Rate your level of Self Mastery in the areas listed below (1 lowest – 10 highest):
___ Learning Healthy Self Soothing and Self Management Techniques
___ Working Through Fear and Limiting Mindset
___ Breaking Bad Habits and Creating Healthy Ones
___ Developing, Implementing and Sticking to our Self Care Plan
___ Generating Naturally Unlimited Energy
___ Harnessing the Power of Focus
___ Creating a Personal Brand
___ Embracing Your Purpose
Note your top 3 lowest ratings. Pick one of these. This requires your immediate attention to get you moving further along your path of High Achievement, Accomplishment and Success in your life AND relationship. Determine how you will invest in enhancing your Self Mastery in your chosen area. Determine your first actionable step towards implementation, and get to it! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As with busyness comes neglect of things we care about, our partner is usually one of the first to go. This is very unfortunate as most would say that the relationship with their partner is one of the things they care about most in life. But, still they usually come in last on the priority list.
I see people trying to take care of everything but their partner. They worry about clean houses, gifts for relatives and friends, work, email, etc. By the time the end of the day arrives, they are too exhausted to have fun and connect with their partner. They claim they want to, but they are too tired… People are too tired for the good stuff!! Isn’t that something?
We worry about our quality of life, but we really do little to make sure we have the quality of life we want day-in and day-out. We believe that more money will provide a higher quality of life and so focus our energies on working more for our money.
We end up overextended, stressed, and exhausted. This is hardly conducive to a “high quality of life.” When we are in this context, we can’t find pleasure in the little everyday things and interactions that make up our life.
The Fall and Winter are magnet month’s for staleness in relationships. We get caught up with the children’s school and extra curricular schedules, with meeting end of year deadlines, with the Holidays, etc. that we overbook and overextend ourselves to the point that we can’t handle anything or anyone else placing demands on us. We can’t even take pleasure on the things we are working for!
So, how do we make sure we stay on our partner’s priority list, and them in ours? How do we keep our relationship from getting stale?
We take care to create a Couple Routine. A Couple Routine is an explicit plan that delineates when and how to have contact. This needs to include small daily connecting rituals, weekly dates, time set aside for joint projects, weekend trips, vacations, romantic dinners, gifts, etc.
The Couple Routine set up now for the next few months will ensure that when you are in go-go-go mode, and have no time or inclination to think about connecting and having fun with your partner, that is already taken cared of. All you have to do is follow your plan.
Of course, your plan will be specific enough that it’ll have its details scheduled in your calendar. So, you’d have automated your relating taking the guesswork out of the equation and the chance for your partner not to make it to your priority list.
This task actually blocks out time from your calendar preventing you to overbook yourself and forget your partner and be too tire to interact with your partner. It takes out the staleness before it even manifests! And, because you’ve booked and committed yourself to interacting and connecting with your partner that will automatically get you on their priority list! Try it and see!!
Happy Prioritizing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Create your Couple Routine. Go through your calendar and book dates, outings, project times, weekend trips, dinners, joint down time, etc. If you follow a TimeMap, it already blocks out “social time” that includes couple time. Then all you have to do is put in activities in the allotted times of your calendar.
You may also want to get “Time Management from the Inside Out“: It gives you a play by play on creating your “TimeMap.” Use this book to help you automate your Couple Routine. Let it guide your daily moves to create connection and fun with your partner!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When partners create tunnel vision in their lives focusing all their energies on certain endeavors, they tend to loose sight of their partner and the relationship. These are the partners who feel disconnected and end up dissatisfied in their relationship.
A relationship can’t survive, never mind thrive, in neglect and abandonment. When our lives are full of To-Dos, chores, demands, busyness, obsessions, addictions, and are just plain focused on one or more particular endeavors (work, projects, children, etc.), we create a negative context for our partnership, a sea of muck for it to drown in.
When our partner falls down low on our priority list, are simply not taken into consideration on our daily coming and goings, or are just there because they are expected to make our life easier, we have lost sight of a key person in our life and a key factor in our happiness and satisfaction.
Life tends to get in the way of our relationship if we let it. We get too absorbed in what we are doing that we fail to appropriately attend to our partner and relationship. The longer we remain in this sea of darkness, the harder it is to find our way back to the bright shore…
I have seen this happen all too often. Partners share how they had set out to work really hard to secure their future together, but lost each other on the process. Some were so intent on their path that they got in each other’s way, and yet others just went down different paths and realized it when it was too late!
When these couples come in for counseling, they are so disconnected, hurt, dissatisfied, disillusioned and resentful, that a lot of our initial work has to do with undoing this mess! We have to rescue the couple back from the depths of darkness and the grip of death.
To prevent this gloomy scenario from becoming a reality in their relationship, partners need to make a conscious effort to avoid taking the relationship and their partner for granted. They need to be aware of when routines become too routine, when they are rushing about and are not present, and when they are consumed with other priorities and are neglecting and abandoning their partner, and take a moment to nurture the relationship give to their partner.
Stop being distracted by life and start swimming to shore!
Happy Swimming!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Create a list each of Caring Behaviors you would like to experience from your partner. Make the lists comprehensive and thorough so each partner has a wide variety of nurturing behaviors to choose from their partner’s list. Implement two Caring Behaviors each day and recycle items. These are a gift. Don’t keep tabs and don’t hold them over each other’s head. Enjoy giving each other pleasure!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
STAY CONNECTED WITH US, SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
And, Get a FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
You CAN create the relationship you desire!
You have Successfully Subscribed!
With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Pin It on Pinterest
We track visits and User's visit information to analyze our performance and trends in order to create targeted messaging and programs to best serve you. We use cookies to provide a personalized and smoother browsing experience. Refer to our Privacy Policy for additional details.
You consent to our tracking and cookies when using our Websites.
