Uniqueness and Richness in Your Relationship

by Emma Viglucci

We bring a lot more into our relationship than we are aware. We are unique human beings with a unique set of history, parenting, socialization, wounding, and experiences. As we develop and journey in our lifetime, our uniqueness plays a role in all we do including how we relate to our partner.  

One of the characteristics that make us unique is our sense of our self. According to Harville Hendrix, author of “Getting The Love You Want,“ , our True Self, our original whole being we were born with, has been compromised over time just by the mere fact that we live in an imperfect world.  

The caretaking and socialization we received wounded us as we were given direct or indirect messages about parts of us not being acceptable. In response to these messages we repressed those certain parts of our True Self. We repressed natural qualities, abilities, and feelings what make up our Lost Self.

We still have these qualities but they are buried and not a part of our conscious self-image. This Lost Self also includes parts of ourselves that we consciously hide because we learned they are disliked.  

Because we are operating with an incomplete self, we compensate for the missing parts and protect ourselves around not getting our needs met by creating a False Self. Our False Self is comprised of qualities that are acceptable to our caretakers and society, but this is a fake and therefore continues to perpetuate the wounding because our deepest needs are still not met.  

Our False Self might have some qualities that others still perceive as negative, and because we can’t just get rid of these parts because they are supposed to be protecting us, we deny them. Creating our Disowned Self. The parts in this Disowned Self are parts others recognize in us but that we deny we possess.  

Out of our True Self, Lost Self, False Self and Disowned Self we are only aware of what is left of our True Self and parts of our False Self we haven’t disowned. These form our personality,how we see ourselves and would describe ourselves to others.  

Our Lost and Disowned Selves are there but are not in our awareness. They start becoming apparent to us with the assistance of our partner. Their complaints, criticisms and behavior change requests are all suggestive of our other parts playing roles in our functioning and relating. Until we own these parts and integrate them into our picture of who we are, we are doomed to dissatisfaction in our lives.  

The kicker is that we fell in love with our partner who is our Missing Self. They possess, among other things of course, the qualities of our Lost and Disowned Selves. This is Mother Nature’s way of making sure we become whole again.  

As we can’t hide from our partner as we can from the public, we are forced to start recognizing and owning our denials. We had deemed these qualities negative, though, and so we are resistant to taking ownership of these traits in ourselves and in turn reject them in our partner as well. They become a source of conflict in our relationship.  

By taking our partner’s criticisms seriously, we have access to parts or ourselves that we normally wouldn’t have. Also, the things we hate most about our partner are often true of ourselves! Thus, our relationship is a rich source of information about us, and it gives us a chance at integrating ourselves and becoming whole.  

Reclaiming all of our True Self is essential to our satisfaction and genuine happiness with ourselves and our partner.   Happy Reclaiming!!!   

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Compile the criticisms you’ve heard of yourself and criticisms you have of your partner and start owning the denied parts of yourself integrating them into your self-image. Formulate a new description of yourself that is reflective of your True Self. 

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com. 

Bring Your Self to Your Relationship

by Emma Viglucci

It is a phenomenon when we feel energized, connected, and alive past the infatuation stage of our relationship.

At the beginning, we fall in love. We feel euphoric, on top of the world, passionate, sexy, wanted, lustful, etc. This stage lasts and can be maintained only for so long.

In this stage we live in a state of arousal: heart rate increases, different hormones and chemicals in our bodies are triggered, we loose our appetite, we need less sleep, we loose concentration, we become obsessed with the other, we spend most of our time together or thinking about each other, etc.

This stage is Mother Nature’s way of insuring a bond is created between two people. But eventually reality needs to set back in, and life needs to continue on happening.

It is at this point that couples start running into trouble. Negotiating and balancing the relationship, one’s needs and life in general is a struggle. And so people do the best they can and resort to their usual defense mechanisms  to cope with and manage their lives.

These defenses are a trigger for their partner in that these do the opposite of what the partner needs. For example, you might go about business by being detached and aloof so life and the relationship are doable for you, but your partner needs somebody who is emotionally available who checks in, nurtures, caters, pampers, and wants to talk.

Because what our partner needs is out of the scope of our usual functioning, we have difficulties giving them what they need, and vice versa. This is how we get stuck in dissatisfying interactions. This is what creates the repeated arguments, issues and lack of resolution.

This is how we start to grow distant. Sometimes we might get lucky and have a stretch of good days, but usually we feel out of sorts with our partner. This is the power struggle stage of relationships.

The reason we can’t give our partner what they need, is because it would stretch who we currently are. Our partner is triggering old wounds in us that require the usual defense mechanisms to cope with the feelings. For us to do something different would mean becoming vulnerable, feeling unsafe, and very uncomfortable, that is if we are even able or even have the skills or know how on how to provide what our partner needs.

This is due to us having had less than perfect caretaking growing up that truncated part of our development and skill building impeding us from having our full Self and associated skills accessible to us.

One way to start breaking this cycle and to be able to give each other what we need is to finish our developmental task of growing up, get to know and fully develop our Self. When we do this, we have our full Self to bring to our relationship to interact and be with our partner. When we are fully there we can then be in relationship. If we are not present or if we don’t exist, how can we be in relationship?

Start acknowledging, finding, nurturing, holding, appreciating, accepting, recognizing, integrating, expanding, and owning your Self. Feel the liveliness, resonance, vibrancy, energy, buoyancy, warmth, glow, zeal, passion that is You. You are alive, you exist, you count, you matter, you make a difference, and you are needed for your Self, your partner and the world!

Become the Master of You. Make sure being connected and feeling good in your relationship isn’t just a phenomenon but a given in your relationship. Get your Self and share It!!

Happy Selfing!!!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Start a Developing My Self project. Choose any two of these methods to start defining, finding and acknowledging your Authentic Self (term and concepts borrowed from the book Simple Abundance, see resources section).

A) Buy a beautiful leather bound blank book for journaling and make daily entries about your wishes, likes, dislikes, observations, insights, etc.

B) Choose a comfortable, soothing and warm place in your home where you can relax and let go. Go here for 20 minutes on a daily basis to Meditate. Just sit with yourself and try to keep your mind quite.

C) Create a Treasure Map by cutting out things out of magazines that you are drawn to and would like to have, become more like, aspire to achieve (home, decorations, landscapes, sceneries, clothing, people, colors, flowers, trophies, awards, etc.)

D) Go on Exploration Trips for hints of your deeper desires and wishes, window shopping does a nice trick here. Honor your first impulse of what you like: a fuchsia hat versus a beige one. Just acknowledge your preferences.

E) Limit your intake of the news and listen from a different angle. Listen for your opinion and reaction from within and not the version that was created from outside influences.

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.