Are you generous in your relationship? Do you freely give from your heart with no strings attached, tit-for-tat, score keeping, need for acknowledgement, manipulation, or any other funny business?
This may appear as an obvious rule to follow in our relationship but I actually find that it’s not, especially for couples that are struggling. I come across much crooked logic around how partners choose to interact and give. They create so much suffering.
Partners have different ways of withholding. Withholding comes from a fear of self extinction, not existing, annihilation, and the need for self preservation … The giver has to make sure they also get for in getting they know they exist … Also, being stingy gives the false impression of security, keeping reserves, and being safe or protected.
These create a power struggle, conflict, drama, and pain in the relationship. Partners experience this as being taken for granted, abandoned, neglected, and punished. In their stinginess they stifle the natural flow of abundance, aliveness, love, passion – thereby keeping themselves and the relationship in a state of deprivation, paralyzed, stuck …
However you are withholding is obviously not conducive for creating the relationship you want. There are two paths you can follow to rectifying this.
1) Psychological: Address the underlying driving motivation for your choices, the fear of self extinction and need for self preservation, in more healthy and productive ways … (Beyond today’s topic)
2) Practical: Make a commitment to creating an awesome relationship, and start giving from the heart effortlessly by replacing your giving style with laser beam targeted loving guaranteed to touch your partner!
When you choose to put your funny business aside and genuinely and fully commit to making your relationship work, magic starts to happen. I’ve seen it, and I’m no Tinker Bell!
When you make this kind of commitment, you start operating from a heart-centered place – becoming open minded, flexible, patient, understanding, accepting, compassionate. You begin to understand and accept how your partner wants to be loved, and what touches them. You can begin to give from the heart and do informed giving.
Sometimes, even though we have the best of intentions, and come from a very loving place, our efforts still do not touch our partner’s heart, nor do we know what would. This might feel hopeless, but there is no need to despair. A little curiosity, investigating, and mindfulness goes a long way.
The tip is to identify your partner’s love language (refer to the list below, and you can refer to The 5 Love Languages) and to make sure you give to your partner in the way they prefer to receive love… You can give laser beam targeted loving!
Below are the 5 ways for giving targeted loving to match your partner’s love language preference, and at the end is your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you get started:
Acts of Service – Do things for them, help with tasks, take care of things that need doing, offer to help with projects, surprise them by fixing, buying, planning, etc. without their asking, take charge and lead gently
Time Together – Spend quality time together, plan dates, join in activities, tackle projects together, create new rituals, synchronize your routines, plan special couple moments
Physical Intimacy – Do a lot of touching, caressing, hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, other forms of affection, and enrich your sensual and sexual repertoire
Words of Acknowledgement – Shower your partner with compliments and praise, show appreciation for their contributions, give validation for their experience, give credit for their efforts
Material Gifts – Know what kinds of things your partner likes (when in doubt fish around or ASK!), tailor your gifts to their personality, style, profession, talents, interests, needs, celebration, milestones, etc.
It’s time to be more generous, start giving from the heart, give laser beam targeted loving for maximum impact! Let your partner feel your love!
Embrace your generosity today!
Happy Giving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Invite your partner into a discussion about your Love Languages and how you each like to receive love. Identify and share with each other your own primary love language, and then explore how you each can give love to the other in their love language so they can feel your efforts.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Time and again the prevalent theme in initial sessions with couples is reactivity, anger, fighting, hopelessness, criticism and lots of pointing fingers. The partners appear to be enemies. The pain is palpable in the room. A real sad state of affairs!
All this noise is just misguided attempts at being heard and understood, getting needs met, getting on the same page, connecting, feeling closeness, love and passion, and experiencing intimacy, joy and peacefulness. This is partners’ grown up version of baby crying to get basic needs met…
They are trying real hard to create a Successful and Satisfying Relationship (sm), but what they don’t realize is that their approach is creating more rapture, space, disconnect, and pain.
Their approach is defensive and offensive. It creates a mask that hides their authentic and fabulous selves from each other. It only helps to promote more separateness, dislike and dissatisfaction. Who wants to, or can, get close to a fire breathing dragon or a recluse turtle? These partners are setting up a situation where it is impossible to create a Successful Relationship!
What they don’t realize is that the opposite approach is in order, though hard it might be to operate from such a place. This is where risk taking, trust and vulnerability come in. Embracing these characteristics shift the energy from antagonistic to collaborative allowing for compassion, understanding and togetherness. This is another basic concept of creating a Successful Relationship…
It’s time to take off the mask and show up to your relationship! Here are the simple 3 steps for safely implementing vulnerability when creating your successful relationship. Implement them in this order for maximum results! Also, refer to the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below for additional instructions on using this insight to immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Stop the Attack – First and foremost, if you do nothing else but stop the onslaught of assault whether it is a full on attack with flame throwers (pursuer) or the more quiet version of secret espionage (distancer), you’ll be ahead of the game. The insult to injury that partners impinge on each other sets them further and further away from where they want to be, what they are trying to achieve and from getting what they want in their relationship.
I’ve seen couples consistently repeat the same hurtful and destructive approach in trying to get a different result. This is maddening! If your partner gets triggered by distance and being left – DO NOT ASK FOR MORE SPACE! If your partner gets triggered by requests, demands and criticism – DO NOT ASK THEM TO DO MORE! Just stop your usual approach!!
Use X-Ray Vision –Then, use what I call x-ray vision and see beyond your partner’s mask. Instead of focusing on how imperfect, unfitting, inconsiderate, unfair, hurtful, etc. your partner’s behavior or response is to you, redefine their approach as just a self protective mechanism.
When you do this from a compassionate and heart centered place and not from an ego, blaming, “logical” place, you’ll be able to start genuinely seeing the pain and vulnerability driving your partner. Stop assigning evil or ill intent motivation to your partner’s action, and see what’s beyond the mask. Their attitude is not about you – it’s about them!!
Show Your Vulnerable Side – Finally, you need to show up to your relationship and interactions if you are to have a relationship period. Two egos, set of defensive mechanisms, interacting with one another do not a relationship make.
It’s actually fairly easy… want intimacy – share of your self, want closeness – be available, want TLC – be softer, want passion – be exciting, want respect – own your self, want compassion – share vulnerable / hurt feelings…, you get the gist!
Stop sabotaging your relationship success. Take a moment to regroup and try a different approach… Save the mask for Halloween!
Happy Regrouping!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Using your x-ray vision will allow you to see the vulnerable side of your partner and provide you with hints on how to repair, meet needs, make nice, show love, connect, touch your partner, etc. Use your inner guidance and compassion to decode what you see and to device an approach that is intended to warm your partner’s heart the way they need it…
Bonus Tip: See your partner’s inner child crying out for help…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I don’t know why partners can be wonderful people to strangers, and yet awful to each other. Wait, actually I do know why!
There is an inherent risk in being nice to our partner… We create the opportunity for being available, vulnerable, close, intimate, One… Creating the possibility for change, for More…
This can be threatening. Our Ego is not able to tolerate this Togetherness and Vastness… Instead it looks at “being nice” as a danger that we might lose ground and ourselves, as a message that we are OK with the status quo and with unacceptable interactions, as permission to accept getting less than we deserve, as an agreement to live with deprivation, neglect, negativity and even abuse.
But the opposite is true, being Ego led maintains the status quo! Not taking a risk and being run by fear is our Ego’s way of keeping things as they are – “safe”, separate… Sometimes it’s easier to deal with what is than with what could be… Yet, this is painful and not safe… Maintaining the illusion of separateness is a sure way of keeping things as they are…
What a waste this is! Is this how we want to live our life? Is this the kind of relationship we want to create? At the end of the day, the amount of pain and suffering endured is for nothing… This is a coward’s way of living – playing it safe and not showing up to life, to intimate relating.
This is putting your hand up to the Universe and saying, “It’s OK, I don’t need closeness or intimacy, or to Be in Relationship, to feel Love. I’m not on this earth to be Alive. I’m just here to take up space”…
It’s time to fire your Ego! Here is my OMG Formula (sm) on how to switch from fear to heart based interactions with your partner that is a proven approach to creating peace, love, intimacy, passion and synergy in your relationship.
Ownership – First and foremost, you MUST take ownership of what you are contributing to your status quo and clean out anything harmful. Even if what you are contributing is seemingly positive… Are you overfunctioning, protecting, helping, diffusing, being a goodie-two-shoes, selfless, dedicated, a go-getter?
Do you take charge? Are you enabling? Remember, you co-create the relationship you have. So, even if something you are doing seems positive, think of the impact it has on your partner… The more you “do” (react), the less your partner has to… And vice versa!
Mindfulness – Use a caring, understanding and compassionate, lens to interpret your situation and interactions. Stop making assumptions and assigning malicious motives to your partner’s behavior and actions. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt, room to show their intentions, and look for attempts at connection and repair.
They might not do these with finesse, but is the effort and intention that count. With patience, tolerance and respect you can provide guidance on polishing the delivery so it can touch your heart.
Greatness – Always put your best foot forward, be the better person, and take the higher road. We save our yummy parts for other people in our life. Our partner gets to see and experience the worst of us… Why deprive them of your magnificence? Share your skills, talents, passion, and greatness with your partner!
Below is your MetroRelationship™ Assignment to get you started immediately creating the relationship you want!
The intention and investment to create a Heart Centered life and relationship takes courage, but ultimately the return is well worth the risk.
Don’t pass on the game of life! Be nice!
Happy Playing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Take stock of how you are “too helpful or good” in your relationship. Pay attention to how this robs your partner of the opportunity to show up and be there for you… Pick 3 of these intimacy sabotaging mechanisms you usually employ and start weaning yourself off today! Be gentle and loving to yourself as you stretch into this new way of Being. Be prepared for your resistance to the new intimacy you’ll start experiencing… Enjoy!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When your life feels like it’s not working, when your relationship feels like it’s not working – have you pondered why? I’m sure you have!
The problem with this pondering that you might be doing is that you are probably focusing on the wrong things and that is why you either can’t make changes or the changes are happening SUPER slow that you can’t even tell things are changing …
Fixing your life and your relationship is not a logical exercise to be puzzled out. That approach is futile… Life and relationships don’t reside in a logical realm – they reside in an experiential realm. What is missing from your life and relationship is not a nicer car, or better treatment from your partner, or whatever you claim you are missing. What is missing from your life and relationship is YOU!
Once you start showing up to your life and relationship, things change instantaneously. Decisions are easier to make, doors open up, serendipity happens, grace is bestowed upon you. Things are easy. Can you imagine that!? Things are easier…
Stop blaming your past mistakes and deficiencies, your parents, your boss, your partner. It is time that You show up!
Showing-up means:
Getting in touch with and understanding your feelings (not your thoughts!) -your emotions… And, sharing them
Tracing back your emotions to unmet needs and responsibly, appropriately, responsively, mindfully, intentionally addressing them
Diligently working on getting needs met by making small, quantifiable, behavior change requests or nurturing gestures of significant others, especially your partner, to touch hurt feelings
Focus on getting emotional needs met… Practical needs follow…
Getting support and assistance in this journey – it is a challenge to get in touch with our Authentic Self and bringing it out to play
Expanding your circle of loved, or at least liked, ones
Sharing your opinion even if it’s unpopular
Showing your quirkiness and idiosyncrasies even in the face of possible rejection
Showing up to interactions and being present – increasing opportunities for interacting
Exploring interests and actively pursuing, incorporating, them into your lifestyle
Taking measured risks and consistent action to create the life and relationship you want
If you don’t show up to your life and relationship – you don’t really have a life or relationship to complain about!! Take a risk – start showing up – I’m sure you’ll be liked, approved of, and you’ll be at least good enough …
If You Need Help with your Relationship Enrichment – Contact Us Today!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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