Trust is very delicate and fragile and needs to be earned and developed, it is not a given. And, once it is achieved it is only transient. For it to survive it needs to be safeguarded and nurtured. It is like achieving our ideal weight and level of fitness. To maintain them we need to continue to eat healthy and nutritious foods and keep up with out fitness program.
Even though we are not aware or cognizant of this when we are infants, for obvious reasons, we are actually born as fully trusting human beings. We start off with a clean slate. This trust slowly gets eroded as we are parented by imperfect parents. We quickly learn that our needs do not get met 100% of the time and that others are not there for us %100 of the time the way we need them to be.
This makes us cautious. This teaches us how to protect ourselves and not be vulnerable to others. This creates defense mechanisms that hide our authentic self and prevent us from being fully engaged with ourselves, our partner and in our life as a whole. This keeps us from being fully alive!
Our defense mechanisms show up in the form of being passive-aggressive, aggressive, angry, controlling, obsessive, pursuing, shut-down, and a multitude of other ways that prevent us from being in connection with our loved ones. The kicker is that partners usually have opposite defense mechanisms that tend to trigger, hurt, each other further.
For example, let’s say that Jane needs attention and security and to get it she controls and obsesses. She is married to John, who needs freedom and validation and to get it he withdraws and acts passive-aggressively. When Jane wants attention from John, she demands things, asks a lot of questions, becomes critical and bossy. This makes John want more space and so he withdraws further, making Jane come after him more.
And so, their pattern, cycle, dynamic goes. They keep this perpetual cycle until, if and when, they figure out what is behind their behavior and each works to give the other what they need. Until they become conscious and mindful in their relating.
This is challenging to do, because each partner is looking to get what they want and has difficulties giving what the other partner wants. Each is trying to meet their own needs and is stuck in that perspective. When neither budges, and they continue to hurt the other in their pursuit of getting their own needs met, they get stuck in a power struggle.
This is a very painful place. Partners hurt each other in their quest to be OK. They too are imperfect in their relating. Trust keeps getting eroded.
This situation gets to a critical point when in their unconsciousness partners use their defense mechanisms to an extreme inflicting additional trauma on their partner. Trust in relationship and in stuck dynamics is subject to many tests, but when exposed to extreme negative treatment (i.e., violence, abuse, cheating) it cannot withstand the impacts of the trauma.
It is imperative for partners to change the focus of their attention from what their partner is not doing for them or how their partner is hurting them, to what they are not doing for their partner and how they are hurting their partner. No matter how much pain they are in, partners need to see how they contribute to their stuck dynamic and change their contribution to it.
When the partners’ focus changes and they are both doing for each other from a more giving, nurturing, accepting and unconditional loving place, they are finally creating safety for each other, meeting each others’ needs, and developing and safeguarding their trust.
The partners are fully engaged; they bring their authentic selves to their relating, and are in connection. They are conscious and mindful. They are healing, growing, and contributing. They are becoming more fully alive!
Happy Trusting and Living!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
For the next two days, closely observe what you do that bothers your partner. At the end of your observation period, invite your partner to a Connecting Session. Make it fun and safe:
1. Share three things you noticed bothered them in the past two days 2. Take a guess as to why it bothered them 3. Have your partner correct any wrong interpretations 4. For every interpretation you got right, they get to request a cute and small gesture from you that tickles their fancy.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Does your partner support you, romance you, engage you, enliven you, energize you, seduce you? Is your partner there?
When couples are not on the same page, they tend to drift apart. They fight a lot, don’t feel each other, and don’t get their needs met. Partners appear invisible or have a negative presence.
This becomes a way of relating where partners are resentful, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, alone and hopeless. They perceive each other as noncaring, selfish, self-centered and absorbed, unapproachable and unlovable. They don’t operate as a partnership or as allies but as opponents or enemies. They have a tit-for-tat mentality or a very self-indulgent mentality where they are only focused on how to get their needs met.
When the focus is all on having our own needs met and we don’t validate our partner’s perspective and efforts, we become entrenched in an individualistic modus operandi which underminds couplehood.
It is a difficult choice to make to get out of our shoes and into our partner’s for a second and see how they might be perceiving the situation, how they feel and what they need. But when this is done and our partner feels heard and significant, they stop running and turn around and actually look at us. They are now open to seeing and feeling us and relating differently.
This is how we invite change from our partner. We show them they matter and that we care for them on their terms not ours. This opens the lines of communication and new relating. Here is the chance to get your needs met. This is where you get on the same page and establish a strong foundation for continued satisfying relating.
When you have your partner’s openminded-attention engage them by stating how you feel when they do uncaring behaviors and not how you see or perceive them and their actions. This is engaging and not attacking keeping your partner’s attention. Then tell them how you want them to change the behavior, giving them concrete behavior change choices and ask them to choose one.
This gets couples on the same page. Couples get to share where they are at and how the partner can help without alienating them. This allows couples to respond to each other without reacting. This gets couples to meet each other’s needs. This is how they break the impasse and the fighting cycle.
When partners are not attacking each other, are not angry and resentful, and they understand where their partner is coming from and are resolving conflicts and meeting each other’s needs, they enter a new level of relating.
This is where the juices of satisfying relating get going. Partners become interested and curious about each other, they miss each other, they want and pursue each other. This is where romancing and seducing come in. This is where affection and lovemaking come in. This is where laughter, humor and childish fun come in. This is the gravy of relationships.
So, stop killing yourself trying to get your needs met and instead meet your partner’s (how they want them met and not your way…) inviting them to receive you with open arms and an open heart!
Happy “Gravying”!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner about things they want, wish and dream of. Ask them what role you play in making those happen. What specific behaviors does that entail and what other needs do they have that you can fulfill? Unconditionally start meeting your partner’s needs the way they want them met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Whether there is a lot of fighting and bickering or quiet discontent and separateness, most couples struggle in their relationship. You might feel dissatisfaction, loneliness, and hopelessness seep in and take an unrelenting hold of your relationship from which you can’t seem to figure out a way to feel okay in your relationship and with your partner.
A daunting sense of despair, panic and / or paralysis might overcome you perpetuating the hurtful cycle (the demand / withdraw, pursuer / distancer, over- / underfunctioner, maximizer / minimizer pattern of relating). This is a result of using self-defeating defense mechanisms when triggered by the repeated unsuccessful attempts at trying to connect with our partner.
When we feel vulnerable, stressed, concerned, needy or just simply need to be in connection, we put our feelers out for our partner for comfort and might try approaching our partner for the safety of connection. This is an evolutionary bonding need that ensures our survival.
In connection we survive and thrive. When our approach is thwarted, dismissed, rejected, ignored or not recognized and our need goes unmet, we feel a sense of doom. Our very survival is at stake.
It is imperative for partners to feel connected to ensure a satisfying relationship and a sense of wellbeing. There are three key components (captured with the A.R.E. acronym) to making this happen according to attachment expert Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight. These include:
Accessibiltiy (Can I reach you?) Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?) Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?)When our partner is consistently available, open, receptive and approachable, we know we can turn to them.
When our partner is attuned, accepting, and makes us a priority we know we can count on them. When our partner is absorbed, attracted, involved, and interested, we feel special and wanted – we know we exist and we are OK.
This is the recipe for creating and sustaining connection and strengthening your bond. When you are accessible, responsive and engaged toward your partner, as best you can be even when things are rough, you become safe to your partner and in turn invite them to reciprocate. You change your dissatisfying interaction cycle to a satisfying, healing and loving one.
This is how we enjoy connection. This is how we are OK. This is what you get out of being in relationship. Give it a try. Give your partner the A.R.E. and invite them to thrive in connection.
Happy Connecting and Bonding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about how you can each be more accessible, responsive and engaged with each other. Take turns speaking for yourself and how you intend to enhance your bond and connection.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Some couples experience a lot of discomfort, dissatisfaction and unhappiness in their relationship as the partners have a hard time syncing, seeing eye-to-eye, understanding each other and connecting. This is not just about hectic schedules or intense life styles, different communication styles, gender or other differences for as these are addressed the dejection remains…
There is a human fundamental need that is not met for the partners in these couples. The need of being Accepted – to know that they are OK, that they exist, that they matter.
Partners struggle to be heard, seen, validated, recognized, praised, acknowledged, and cherished for who and what they are. In their struggle they go to any lengths to achieve this and in the process lose sight of their partner. They fail to recognize that their partner has the same need and is seeking the very same thing.
They both go about relating and interacting with each other in hurtful ways, denying each others’ reality and very existence trying as hard as they can to show themselves up. And, show themselves up they do – in very unkind ways!
This is the easiest way for a relationship to disintegrate. Partners do not feel gotten and revered by their partner experiencing a loss that deadens their chemistry and wanes their interest for each other, and/or a rage that creates chaos and drama in their life. These partners are in a lot of pain.
They are too busy assigning motive or telling each other how to Be and/or working so hard at protecting themselves and getting trapped behind the wall they put up, that they make it impossible to relate and connect with each other in a satisfying and meaningful way.
When we work so hard at being seen, we end up not being ourselves anyway… and we miss out on actually truly beholding our partner! A real tragedy. How about we stop trying so hard to be seen, and just show up as we Are, and work really hard instead at seeing our partner? Seeing and Accepting our partner does not deny who we are…
Happy Beholding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Find a creative way to show your partner you see their True Self. Celebrate them.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As with busyness comes neglect of things we care about, our partner is usually one of the first to go. This is very unfortunate as most would say that the relationship with their partner is one of the things they care about most in life. But, still they usually come in last on the priority list.
I see people trying to take care of everything but their partner. They worry about clean houses, gifts for relatives and friends, work, email, etc. By the time the end of the day arrives, they are too exhausted to have fun and connect with their partner. They claim they want to, but they are too tired… People are too tired for the good stuff!! Isn’t that something?
We worry about our quality of life, but we really do little to make sure we have the quality of life we want day-in and day-out. We believe that more money will provide a higher quality of life and so focus our energies on working more for our money.
We end up overextended, stressed, and exhausted. This is hardly conducive to a “high quality of life.” When we are in this context, we can’t find pleasure in the little everyday things and interactions that make up our life.
The Fall and Winter are magnet month’s for staleness in relationships. We get caught up with the children’s school and extra curricular schedules, with meeting end of year deadlines, with the Holidays, etc. that we overbook and overextend ourselves to the point that we can’t handle anything or anyone else placing demands on us. We can’t even take pleasure on the things we are working for!
So, how do we make sure we stay on our partner’s priority list, and them in ours? How do we keep our relationship from getting stale?
We take care to create a Couple Routine. A Couple Routine is an explicit plan that delineates when and how to have contact. This needs to include small daily connecting rituals, weekly dates, time set aside for joint projects, weekend trips, vacations, romantic dinners, gifts, etc.
The Couple Routine set up now for the next few months will ensure that when you are in go-go-go mode, and have no time or inclination to think about connecting and having fun with your partner, that is already taken cared of. All you have to do is follow your plan.
Of course, your plan will be specific enough that it’ll have its details scheduled in your calendar. So, you’d have automated your relating taking the guesswork out of the equation and the chance for your partner not to make it to your priority list.
This task actually blocks out time from your calendar preventing you to overbook yourself and forget your partner and be too tire to interact with your partner. It takes out the staleness before it even manifests! And, because you’ve booked and committed yourself to interacting and connecting with your partner that will automatically get you on their priority list! Try it and see!!
Happy Prioritizing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Create your Couple Routine. Go through your calendar and book dates, outings, project times, weekend trips, dinners, joint down time, etc. If you follow a TimeMap, it already blocks out “social time” that includes couple time. Then all you have to do is put in activities in the allotted times of your calendar.
You may also want to get “Time Management from the Inside Out“: It gives you a play by play on creating your “TimeMap.” Use this book to help you automate your Couple Routine. Let it guide your daily moves to create connection and fun with your partner!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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