How hot are you in your relationship? Do you allow your Self to be hot? Are you in touch with your hotness? Does your hotness come out and play? If you are like most partners in a long-term committed relationship, the answer to these questions might not very positive which does not bear well for the passion quotient in your relationship.
What is passion? Do you need it in your relationship? Do you want it? You might be thinking that you can do without it and what’s the big deal anyway.
For some of you this is obvious and the answers are something like, I have a hard time being hot and yes, I want the, or more, passion in my relationship. But, for others this might be a foreign concept to even consider …
The fact is we all want to be Hot and have Passion – however you want to define these for your Self. For in being “hot” we Are ourselves and for in being “passionate” we are Alive … And, what better place is there than our intimate relationship for this playground of life?
But, hotness and passion go out the window, or can’t even enter it, when partners start adopting the socially prescribed notions of being androgynous, egalitarian and independent (worse, become codependent!) in their committed relationship.
These make everything a blur, muted, dull. The relationship becomes an undifferentiated energy mass of sameness, neutrality, PC attitude, and “togetherness” … Yet, partners don’t feel intimacy or connection, never mind passion, Aliveness, as in fact they are choosing not to exist, not to fully show up …
Now, don’t misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with partners embracing stereotypically non-gender specific behaviors, roles, expectations, and attitudes; and, for partners to be equal in their relationship. This is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about pursuing egalitarianism to the point where we lose ourselves, we become something unrecognizable in the pursuit of fairness, equality and justice.
We mute ourselves to squelch stereotypes, disowning what might make us unique and special. And, in our pursuit for independence, to avoid dependence and being “needy”, we live parallel lives not showing up in our relationship and for our partner. Yet, this breeds codependence, stuckness and dissatisfaction.
Let’s get back to the basics. We are Energy. We have a unique vibrational frequency and “flavor”. This uniqueness comes in part from how we balance our male and female energies and own the different aspects of our Selves. The more out of balance, disintegrated and disowning we are, the lower our vibrational frequency and therefore the more muted and dead we are … This is obviously not attractive, never mind Hot!
So, an initial prescription is to own your inherent predominant femininity or masculinity for in this oppositeness is where the magnetism, the attraction, happens. And, own your uniqueness, the characteristics that define you, not your characterological defenses or defense mechanisms, but the Authentic you. This is what makes you Hot.
Explore your energy identity. What does it mean to be masculine or feminine? What does that look like? What does that feel like? How might that come out? How can you expand, enrich, how that shows up? How can you invite your partner’s opposite energy to come out and play? What would be Attractive to your partner? What would draw your partner out? What would excite your partner?
But, before you go focusing on your partner, remember that you are energetically as Attractive and Hot as you feel … Hence, focus on your Self …
Feel your femininity or masculinity. Feel your Self in your body. Feel your body. Take care of your body, and appearance. Pamper your senses. Connect with Nature. Enliven and enrich your environment. Surround your Self with beauty. See the beauty around you.
Connect with your uniqueness, gifts, talents, magic. Let the Light shine through. Honor, gift, your partner with your Presence. Share of your Self – your experience, observations, learnings, dreams, vision, mission.
Welcome your partner witnessing your journey … Allow their influence and support … Let them show up for you … They are your cosmic partner. There is a reason for their being in your life. Revel in the partnership. Let it flourish and fulfill its purpose …
This is where you become Alive. This is where your Partner becomes Alive. This is where Passion resides. This is where there is Meaning and All makes sense … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Passioning!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Shine. Sparkle. Nurture your inherent predominant Feminine or Masculine Energy … Own it, live it: Sway or sturdy your body, undulate or embolden your voice, soften or invigorate your approach. Enliven your presence: Amplify your mannerisms, embellish your language, bolster your appearance and wardrobe, expand your repertoire of behaviors, broaden your preferences, tantalize the senses. Embrace the moment, flirt with it …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships.
I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship.
There are three steps to this process:
1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)
2) Stopping the pattern (insight and stretch)
3) Repairing, Rebuilding, and Revitalizing (skill and action)
Recognizing the pattern is a massive first step. I know that you know when you are in it. I know you recognize the repetitiveness of it, and the stuck and hopeless feeling. So, recognizing the pattern as the first step might seem silly to you, but stick with me as there is actually a lot more here…
Couples feel stuck when they start arguing and can’t resolve their disagreement. They recognize the pattern here: how they feel, their approach, and the outcome. I want to challenge you to dissect, deconstruct, this further in order to identify opportunities for “doing” something different and therefore allowing, inviting, and creating a different outcome and the possibility for something amazing.
The pattern has typical elements. Here is a basic overview to get you started:
Resistance and ambivalence: The disagreement actually happened way before the fight … If you are fighting, consider yourself lucky as the disagreement is now overt and can be addressed …
The first sign that you are entering the twilight zone is when your partner is non-compliant, non-responsive, and you experience either of you doing aggressive, intrusive, controlling, flaky or flighty or wishy-washy, forgetful, manipulative, passive aggressive or other non-self-owing behavior. This is the sign that you are not on the same page.
Tension and intensity: Things start feeling weird. Physical symptoms might manifest (head, back, stomach or other ache, allergies, cough, losing one’s voice (literally), diarrhea, cramps, etc.). Negative emotions start to escalate (anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, rejection, overwhelm, etc.).
Circularity: You want to address what is going on and get to some resolution, but don’t know how. You start tip-toeing around, or possibly lashing out, in an attempt to synchronize, connect, get on the same page, get your needs met, or prevent a fight. You start saying the same old things, repeating yourself, you hear the same old from your partner – historical loaded words, phrases or requests show up.
You both become stubborn. Your logic becomes very rigid, narrow, black-n-white, loopy, but most importantly, your internal process becomes a broken record … If you pay attention, you’ll notice your “story” showing up, your script, your saga, your rules and expectations … This “mindset” makes up your overarching relationship pattern …
Defensiveness and reactivity: At this point you are in the middle of if. You know you are in the pattern and you go around and around. You become defensive and lose sight of your partner and the bigger picture. Responses become reactive and attacking. Inappropriate, acting out, behavior might be thrown into the mix. This can become the point of no return in this round …
You can prevent this. When you start observing and decoding what’s happening, you are already intervening in both your behalf’s and starting the “pattern interruption.” You are on the right track to resolving the impasse!
The next step is to go a little deeper and understand the trigger, the point of divergence. This is the root of the disagreement. This is where old hurts, projections, identification, internalizing, mind-reading, assigning of negative motives, assumptions, unexpressed expectations and needs, etc. come into play.
This is the fertile ground for growth and healing. This is where your stretch is needed to break out of your mold to do better for your Self, and activate parts of yourself that allow you to be there for your partner in the way they need it … Once you transcend your fight and bring this to the table, you’ll be having a very different conversation … You can now address the source of the disagreement and get resolution …
But even more magnificently, this is where you get to create the relationship you want. This is where the fun begins. This is where the “relationship work” is exciting, captivating, alluring, inviting, seductive, enthralling, seamless, effortless. This is the intentional relationship where you put in the good stuff and create pure awesomeness.
This is the possibility after you get out of your own way … You are ready to repair, rebuild and revitalize. You can learn how to do this and apply it. You look forward to learning and applying it. You start breaking your own rules and thinking outside the box. This is where the magic is unleashed. This is where your vibrant relationship is created. It is absolutely breathtaking to be in this place!
Get out of our own way, break your own rules and be blown away by what lies just up ahead … !
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Rule Breaking!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Invite your partner into a dissection discussion. Review a prior fight looking for places where you each could have responded differently and how to foster togetherness, team work and support, cohesiveness, understanding, compassion, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, closeness, and intimacy …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We have a tendency to focus on the negatives, what doesn’t work, weaknesses and deficiencies, and how much our partner “sucks”. This is the kiss of death in life and relationships. This is a sure way of staying stuck in the status quo for what we focus on persists: we co-create it, manifest it, invite it …
The focus on negativity creates a state of fear which induces a fight, flight or freeze response:
Thoughts -> Feelings -> Action
If you think negative thoughts, what I call “crooked thinking” (not reality based …), you generate negative feelings (pain …), and therefore the resulting actions are meant to swiftly address this pain. But as they are ill-conceived they are in the form of defense mechanisms and reactivity creating more issues and more pain. This becomes a vicious cycle keeping you from moving forward in your life and stuck in a dissatisfying relationship.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what happens in relationships when the focus is on the negatives and what doesn’t work … The resulting criticism, complaining, power struggling, and lack and deprivation erode the bond, connection, passion and good will.
As you can imagine this creates a toxic situation that becomes pervasive and impossible to live with. It sucks the life out of your relationship, and your life … You don’t even have to be verbally critical – show disapproval with your body language and facial expressions, or even just in your thoughts … the impact is the same!!
Fortunately, there is a VERY simple solution to this dilemma and tendency … The antidote to this plague is Appreciation … The brain can not physically, biologically, have its fear and appreciation centers activated simultaneously. This means that if we can figure out how to be in a state of appreciation, we can bypass the fear state and therefore break this cycle!
Here are two methods I teach my peeps to use to enrich their relationship and life:
Appreciation RX: Once the brain’s appreciation center is activated, and the feeling good chemicals are released, its blissful effect lasts for a few hours. Therefore, I devised this intervention where you are “prescribed” to take an appreciation “dose” 3x / day. This can translate into doing appreciations at breakfast, lunch and dinner – just like taking medicine or vitamins!
You can build this into any kind of ritual, or routine, that works for you like being thankful for meals, brushing teeth, drinking coffee, commuting, etc.
Appreciations don’t have to be anything fancy – don’t let this task scare you. Just open your eyes and see the beauty around you… There is plenty to see! Be thankful for what is…
Partner Appreciation: I know that when we are hurt, disappointed or feeling resentful that it is close to impossible to think of what we appreciate about our partner and even harder to share this with them. Herein lies the beauty of this exercise. When you stretch to focus on the positive and notice your partner’s magnificence, and therefore what they bring to the relationship, you are then gifted with their magnificence!
This is an amazing feat not only because we have the tendency to look for negatives and deficiencies, because in partnership we trigger each other for the purpose of growing and healing, but because our ego is threatened. To be able to transcend all this and truly see your partner, and then share it with them – WOW! When you start doing this, you start experiencing the relationship you want!
It IS that simple! Focus on what your partner contributes, things you like about them, things they’ve done that touch you, notice the effort they put in and how they are trying (yes, they are trying their own way…). Appreciate this, and lo and behold!
Don’t let your relationship continue to suffer at the mercy of negatives. Implement one of the methods now, and start creating changes. Hey, do both for good measure and maximum impact! Go for it, give them a try.
Do the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly implement this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Notice the good, acknowledge the gifts, be Thankful – express your Appreciation!
Happy Appreciating!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Share this concept with your partner and commit to having an appreciation session (10 min) once a week at a mutually agreeable time.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Time and again the prevalent theme in initial sessions with couples is reactivity, anger, fighting, hopelessness, criticism and lots of pointing fingers. The partners appear to be enemies. The pain is palpable in the room. A real sad state of affairs!
All this noise is just misguided attempts at being heard and understood, getting needs met, getting on the same page, connecting, feeling closeness, love and passion, and experiencing intimacy, joy and peacefulness. This is partners’ grown up version of baby crying to get basic needs met…
They are trying real hard to create a Successful and Satisfying Relationship (sm), but what they don’t realize is that their approach is creating more rapture, space, disconnect, and pain.
Their approach is defensive and offensive. It creates a mask that hides their authentic and fabulous selves from each other. It only helps to promote more separateness, dislike and dissatisfaction. Who wants to, or can, get close to a fire breathing dragon or a recluse turtle? These partners are setting up a situation where it is impossible to create a Successful Relationship!
What they don’t realize is that the opposite approach is in order, though hard it might be to operate from such a place. This is where risk taking, trust and vulnerability come in. Embracing these characteristics shift the energy from antagonistic to collaborative allowing for compassion, understanding and togetherness. This is another basic concept of creating a Successful Relationship…
It’s time to take off the mask and show up to your relationship! Here are the simple 3 steps for safely implementing vulnerability when creating your successful relationship. Implement them in this order for maximum results! Also, refer to the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below for additional instructions on using this insight to immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Stop the Attack – First and foremost, if you do nothing else but stop the onslaught of assault whether it is a full on attack with flame throwers (pursuer) or the more quiet version of secret espionage (distancer), you’ll be ahead of the game. The insult to injury that partners impinge on each other sets them further and further away from where they want to be, what they are trying to achieve and from getting what they want in their relationship.
I’ve seen couples consistently repeat the same hurtful and destructive approach in trying to get a different result. This is maddening! If your partner gets triggered by distance and being left – DO NOT ASK FOR MORE SPACE! If your partner gets triggered by requests, demands and criticism – DO NOT ASK THEM TO DO MORE! Just stop your usual approach!!
Use X-Ray Vision –Then, use what I call x-ray vision and see beyond your partner’s mask. Instead of focusing on how imperfect, unfitting, inconsiderate, unfair, hurtful, etc. your partner’s behavior or response is to you, redefine their approach as just a self protective mechanism.
When you do this from a compassionate and heart centered place and not from an ego, blaming, “logical” place, you’ll be able to start genuinely seeing the pain and vulnerability driving your partner. Stop assigning evil or ill intent motivation to your partner’s action, and see what’s beyond the mask. Their attitude is not about you – it’s about them!!
Show Your Vulnerable Side – Finally, you need to show up to your relationship and interactions if you are to have a relationship period. Two egos, set of defensive mechanisms, interacting with one another do not a relationship make.
It’s actually fairly easy… want intimacy – share of your self, want closeness – be available, want TLC – be softer, want passion – be exciting, want respect – own your self, want compassion – share vulnerable / hurt feelings…, you get the gist!
Stop sabotaging your relationship success. Take a moment to regroup and try a different approach… Save the mask for Halloween!
Happy Regrouping!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Using your x-ray vision will allow you to see the vulnerable side of your partner and provide you with hints on how to repair, meet needs, make nice, show love, connect, touch your partner, etc. Use your inner guidance and compassion to decode what you see and to device an approach that is intended to warm your partner’s heart the way they need it…
Bonus Tip: See your partner’s inner child crying out for help…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I don’t know why partners can be wonderful people to strangers, and yet awful to each other. Wait, actually I do know why!
There is an inherent risk in being nice to our partner… We create the opportunity for being available, vulnerable, close, intimate, One… Creating the possibility for change, for More…
This can be threatening. Our Ego is not able to tolerate this Togetherness and Vastness… Instead it looks at “being nice” as a danger that we might lose ground and ourselves, as a message that we are OK with the status quo and with unacceptable interactions, as permission to accept getting less than we deserve, as an agreement to live with deprivation, neglect, negativity and even abuse.
But the opposite is true, being Ego led maintains the status quo! Not taking a risk and being run by fear is our Ego’s way of keeping things as they are – “safe”, separate… Sometimes it’s easier to deal with what is than with what could be… Yet, this is painful and not safe… Maintaining the illusion of separateness is a sure way of keeping things as they are…
What a waste this is! Is this how we want to live our life? Is this the kind of relationship we want to create? At the end of the day, the amount of pain and suffering endured is for nothing… This is a coward’s way of living – playing it safe and not showing up to life, to intimate relating.
This is putting your hand up to the Universe and saying, “It’s OK, I don’t need closeness or intimacy, or to Be in Relationship, to feel Love. I’m not on this earth to be Alive. I’m just here to take up space”…
It’s time to fire your Ego! Here is my OMG Formula (sm) on how to switch from fear to heart based interactions with your partner that is a proven approach to creating peace, love, intimacy, passion and synergy in your relationship.
Ownership – First and foremost, you MUST take ownership of what you are contributing to your status quo and clean out anything harmful. Even if what you are contributing is seemingly positive… Are you overfunctioning, protecting, helping, diffusing, being a goodie-two-shoes, selfless, dedicated, a go-getter?
Do you take charge? Are you enabling? Remember, you co-create the relationship you have. So, even if something you are doing seems positive, think of the impact it has on your partner… The more you “do” (react), the less your partner has to… And vice versa!
Mindfulness – Use a caring, understanding and compassionate, lens to interpret your situation and interactions. Stop making assumptions and assigning malicious motives to your partner’s behavior and actions. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt, room to show their intentions, and look for attempts at connection and repair.
They might not do these with finesse, but is the effort and intention that count. With patience, tolerance and respect you can provide guidance on polishing the delivery so it can touch your heart.
Greatness – Always put your best foot forward, be the better person, and take the higher road. We save our yummy parts for other people in our life. Our partner gets to see and experience the worst of us… Why deprive them of your magnificence? Share your skills, talents, passion, and greatness with your partner!
Below is your MetroRelationship™ Assignment to get you started immediately creating the relationship you want!
The intention and investment to create a Heart Centered life and relationship takes courage, but ultimately the return is well worth the risk.
Don’t pass on the game of life! Be nice!
Happy Playing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Take stock of how you are “too helpful or good” in your relationship. Pay attention to how this robs your partner of the opportunity to show up and be there for you… Pick 3 of these intimacy sabotaging mechanisms you usually employ and start weaning yourself off today! Be gentle and loving to yourself as you stretch into this new way of Being. Be prepared for your resistance to the new intimacy you’ll start experiencing… Enjoy!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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