It seems that it is so easy to abuse ourselves if we are not being intentional about loving ourselves… Self-abuse can take on so many forms that we might be abusing ourselves and we don’t even know it… Self-abuse is anything we do that doesn’t serve us, and directly or indirectly harms us… Abusing yourself takes on many forms and sabotages your life…
Yes, I know the word abuse is very loaded. And it tends to easily get thrown around. I’m OK with that as it highlights the severity of the matter or the users experience…
The thing is that it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves so that we actually live the life we are meant to live. We are on this earth to have a Human Experience and to evolve into the best version of ourselves, expanding our consciousness…
But the way we go about our life is in resistance to this… It creates friction, and dis-ease, and stuckness, and physical illness, and mental illness, and broken homes, and other suffering…
What is the kicker here is that we are carrying on with this unbeknownst to ourselves. Yikes!
So here is list of ways we abuse ourselves to get you started identifying how you might be being mean to yourself without even knowing it…
You drink alcohol or have other substances most evenings
You go to sleep too late
You watch TV or have other blue screen time till the moment you fall asleep
You sleep plugged into your devices or with them running in the background
Your room is not set up for a restorative night sleep
You hit snooze several times or beat yourself up to get out of bed to get your day started
You barely have enough time to get ready in the morning before getting your children off to school, getting to or starting work
You start your day by pumping yourself full of caffeine and eating a sugary/carb-loaded something
If you happen to be fasting, you don’t properly break your fast and might be overdoing your fasting
You grab what you can for lunch and eat at your desk while working, scrolling on social media, or surfing the web, you barely hydrate, and don’t really see the sun
You go from meeting to meeting or staring at a screen for hours
You have some more caffeine and a sugary treat in the afternoon to keep you going till the end of the workday
You rush to get your kids from school and get them to some activity, to figure out dinner, and to get them to bed
You crash on the couch to do some Netflix binging, your partner might be sitting there with you, and start the whole cycle again
And this is just what happens on the outside…
On the inside:
You beat yourself up for being exhausted and for not having figured out a better evening routine- actually for haven’t figured out how to live your meaningful and joyous life
You complain to yourself about how your partner sucks because they don’t do half as much as you do, and they whine about and want a star for the little they do to boot
You give free reign to all your scripts and limiting believes about your body, your self, your partner, your finances, the government, the world and the rest of it
You live in your head, from the neck up
You criticize, judge, condemn, control, manipulate and other tactics inside your head (and outside) to manage your world
You live in other people’s circles and barely mind your own
You don’t take care of yourself or meet your needs, you might not even know what your needs are or how to meet them
You don’t feel or express your feelings
You put on a mask and live with it on, you don’t even know yourself
You have programs running your life that you are barely aware of, you just know you do because you feel stuck, dissatisfied or keep repeating unwanted patterns
Now, not all of the above might fit for you, and you might have your own to add to the lists. The point is thathow we are doing our life is not how we are supposed to do our life!
We think that all that doing and pushing is going to create our Best Self, our Best Relationship and our Best Life. Well, I got news for you- it ain’t.
There are lots that can be done with all the above:
But the key is to do these not from doing more, from working on improving ourselves, from trying to get somewhere else and the like. All that efforting has the same energy as all the items on the list… It is driven from judgement, from lack, from not deservingness and such…
It is driven from not being good enough, from not accepting ourselves, from not honoring ourselves. The activities are much better intentioned but all that doing won’t make that much of difference if it is still done from the head up, from fear and reactivity…
How about we just chill out for a bit?
How about we pause all the noise we usually make, and go about our life by living our life? How about we just Live?
How about we breathe? How about we feel? How about we experience?
How about we honor, and express, and forgive, and let go, and accept, and love, and savor?
What if we actually show up to our life? To our body? And unplug from the Matrix?
What if we no longer buy into all the constructions we’ve been fed? What if we just show up and enjoy?
What if by just showing up we actually create/allow our Better Self, Better Relationship, and Better Life?
What if we Allow the most magnificent expression of our Human Experience…
APPLICATION: Choose to start being kinder to yourself… In a couple of minutes upon waking:
~ Start your day by bringing your shoulders to your ears with a big inhale and release with a big ahh exhale
~ Then visualize taking a shower of white radiant light cascading over you and around you
~ Then identify a few things you are grateful for- such as having breath, having running water- don’t over complicate it
~ Finally set an intention for what you’d like to feel this day and cultivate that feeling as you go
~ Observe anytime when you might not be being kind to yourself and change the moment as possible
Remember life is about Being, not doing…
By being kinder to yourself, showing up to your life and allowing flow, you’d shift any funky energy and patterns you have running you… It’s time to create/Allow a life of overall abundance…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Complete the Relationship Enrichment Course to help you take your relationship to the next level!
Whether you need an overhaul or next level inspiration, this course helps you:
Break the impasse, be empowered, feel hopeful and inspired again
Improve your communication and deepen your understanding of each other
Change your patterns and better meet your and your partner’s needs
Enrich your connection, enhance your intimacy and truly enjoy being with each other
Strengthen your partnership, strive towards your Joint Life Vision, role model a radiant and successful relationship
You can access it through our Member Center, FREE with our Lifestyle Membership Access it HERE
You don’t have a Lifestyle Membership yet? No worries, you can get yours now for only $29 per month! Get it HERE
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We can twist ourselves into a pretzel to get everything right in our relationship. We can wait for our partner to change. Or we can manipulate or control our partner into doing what we want. But none of these tactics work for creating our radiant and successful relationship, and joy in our life. Have you wondered how to change your relationship? The best way to create change in our relationship is to use connection and compassion…
I’ve been offering that to create change in our relationship, we have to change ourselves first. For this invites our partner to respond differently and hence shift the dynamic. And that is how we inspire our partner to change as well…
That is all true, but we can take the “change ourselves first” a bit too seriously and then feel discouraged and not even try…
What I want to offer today is some lightness into all this…
We CAN create the relationship we desire with our partner without turning ourselves into a pretzel, waiting for ever, or forcing our partner into anything… The way to do it is so simple that it almost flies under the radar… We tend to make things too complicated when they don’t have to be. Enriching our relationship is one such thing.
Change Your Relationship
So, what is this elusive tactic that is the magic bullet? The answer is to show up softer…
When we enter an interaction with our partner and they get defensive, reactive, and hijacked, that is our cue that they erected a wall. Now, no amount of pounding is going to get us through without both being unscathed.
In this case, the best approach is to try approaching them again with a softer approach. The softer approach will invite our partner to drop the wall and become available.
What does softer look like? Softer body language, softer voice and tone, softer language, softer energy…
Did you feel the shift in your body just reading that description? Imagine showing up shifted… Your partner doesn’t get physically and emotionally triggered- their unconscious and subconscious don’t need to erect protection… They don’t go into freeze, flight, or fight mode…
Going softer can be a challenge in and of itself if we are triggered, right? The key is to take a pause, take a deep belly breath, adjust ourselves, and then engage. Sometimes the pause needs to be longer than a breath if you are very activated… In that case, give your partner a heads up if appropriate- for sometimes discontinuing the engagement or not engaging at all is indicated, and then take a time out, a little break, to regroup, reset…
From the gentler place you can address your concern or needs, still being mindful of not aggressing your partner… Not going into their circle. Not judging or criticizing. Not making them wrong. Not canceling them. You do it by speaking your truth…
Speaking our truth can be challenging to do as well if you are disconnected from ourselves, and if our dynamics have been scary where we don’t feel safe showing up.
Please remember that your truth doesn’t mean that you are right, and that your partner is wrong- they have their own truth. Both partners are right in their own experience… Partners have a hard time with this.
They can’t hold space for both existing… This is why it’s so important that when you address your side that you don’t invalidate your partner’s… That you don’t go after them reinforcing whatever programs and triggers they have going on themselves… And to not confirm whatever fears they already have running rampant…
Going softer is a super simple tactic that does require a commitment on your part to do what it takes to show up softer… And to be mindful to speak your truth without canceling your partner in turn… Using your compassion should do the trick…
To know your truth and have the courage and wisdom to show up with it just requires connecting to yourself…
~ When you are disconnected from yourself, you are operating with your lower-self, blindly…
~ When you are connected with yourself, you are operating with your higher-self, brilliantly…
Note that when you operate from your higher-self, you are a lot more attractive and easier to connect with… Your partner won’t be running for the hills.
APPLICATION: Take a moment to ponder what usually triggers you in your relationship with your partner, then:
~ Identify the stories and scripts that run through your mind
~ Identify the vulnerable feelings that come up
~ Identify where these feelings reside in your body
~ Identify what symptoms and ailments they create
~ Identify how you usually numb yourself, so you don’t have to feel your feelings
~ Identify what defenses you use when relating with your partner for protection
~ Recognize how you are living in a life hologram- not authentically you…
Start changing this by becoming more present in your life using mindfulness practices…
Creating the relationship you desire, doesn’t have to be hard work. It doesn’t have to be painful. It doesn’t have to feel impossible. It just requires a commitment to being nice to yourself and each other… 😉
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Complete the Relationship Enrichment Course to help you change your relationship and take it to the next level!
Whether you need an overhaul or next level inspiration, this course helps you:
Break the impasse, be empowered, feel hopeful and inspired again
Improve your communication and deepen your understanding of each other
Change your patterns and better meet your and your partner’s needs
Enrich your connection, enhance your intimacy and truly enjoy being with each other
Strengthen your partnership, strive towards your Joint Life Vision, role model a radiant and successful relationship
You can access it through our Member Center, FREE with our Lifestyle Membership Access it HERE
You don’t have a Lifestyle Membership yet? No worries, you can get yours now for only $29 per month! Get it HERE
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s very interesting to me to watch couples struggle and go around and around… I find that this happens with the ones where partners refuse to take ownership of their own contribution to their relationship’s status quo and are fixated with having their partner change… These are the partners that also are waiting for the magic pill and for me to fix their partner. I have a bit of news for these partners – it ain’t gonna happen!
When partners wait for the other to change, they are waiting. When they wait, they are wasting the moment and the opportunity to have something different – right there and then! If this resonates a bit with you, in that you are waiting for something different in the interaction, I implore YOU to do something differently, to mindfully, respectfully, caringly, and compassionately reach out to your partner about it.
When an interaction is going south, take a step back and see how you are provoking the situation. How you are inviting your partner’s reaction. How you are pushing their buttons, triggering them. How you are hurting your partner. Instead of focusing on how your partner is going about this all wrong, stop your approach and try something different – the more loving and compassionate approach.
We all just want to be understood, accepted and loved at the end of the day. Give that to your partner
I implore you to stop blaming, pointing fingers, and waiting. You will be waiting forever as you cannot change the other, nor drag them to change, push them to change, or beat them to change. Change can only happen when you change yourself! When you are frustrated and in pain because of your partner’s actions and attitudes, take a moment to see what you are contributing to the moment and in general.
Stop being the victim and take charge of what is happening! Take charge in a loving, giving, nurturing, forgiving, investing manner. I’m not suggesting aggression, punishment, ultimatums, control, threats and other ploys partners resort to when they want to take charge… These invite more of the same and escalate your situation.
Please STOP your approach NOW and try something different. Stop going at it from a wounded, deprived, violated and entitled perspective and be NICE! YOU invest TLC. YOU invest compassion, understanding, love, and affection. YOU start and continue to use your partner’s love language and stick to it no matter what.
YOU have the power to invite your partner to a different moment. YOU have the power to break the impasse and seduce your partner. YOU CAN DO IT!
Remember, challenging situations are opportunities for healing, growth, and change. Go about this as if this was a course on change you want to ace. Make believe each interaction is a test… Prep for it, research, get your resources, be at your best, and a have a plan of action to ace your test… Give it your all. Give it your genuine, Authentic all, not your egocentric all… Stop waiting and change your relationship right now.
Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your spectacular relationship. Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Changing!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Identify your usual “fight”, conflict or disagreement. Think about what is driving the tension. What are you ultimately trying to get out of it? Think about what emotional needs you are trying to meet by holding your ground…
Now think about other ways to get this needs met…
Ask for concrete gestures from your partner that would meet those needs, not necessarily related to the topic of conflict… Share the reason behind your request and that you are stretching your approach to the relationship…
Add this to your tool kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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