A common complaint in relationships is partners feeling disconnected from each other. I hear this as one of the primary concerns couples present with in my practice, aside from fighting a lot and not communicating.
As a couple is composed of two different individuals who have different histories, upbringings, personalities, ways of looking at things and processing information, styles of communication and many other individual characteristics, it is easy to get disconnected. This gets even further compounded with current dynamics and contexts if an effort to stay connected is not made.
As partners are different from each other in all these areas, it comes as no surprise that they are different in what they need to feel connected and to connect as well. I have come across three different styles of connecting:
ACTIVE (doing)- The partner wants to do fun activities, projects, or other endeavors together. They look to feel like a partnership, a unit, or a team. They seek to have a common sense of purpose, a shared destination. They want approaches, goals, tasks spelled out. These partners are on the go and are busy.
PASSIVE (being)– The passive partner enjoys being around the other regardless of whether they interact. They can sit together doing individual activities or a joint one that does not require interaction (i.e., watching T.V.). They feel connected as long as they are physically close to one another. I’ve even heard this type of partner feeling connected by just carrying the thought of the other with them.
EXPRESSIVE (talking) – These types of partners need to explore and share feelings and thoughts. They need to analyze and process their interactions, relationship, vision, needs, wishes, etc. These partners are very emotionally expressive and usually very verbal. Issues, concerns or ideas need to get discussed.
What I often see happening with couples is that the partners have different connecting needs and styles and are not really aware of it or have not figured out how to work out this kink.
When partners remain entrenched in their different styles they have difficulties connecting, meeting each other’s needs, getting on the same page, achieving joint goals, and feeling satisfied in the relationship. These partners also have a hard time being more intimate both emotionally and physically as they constantly miss each other.
The task of the partners, to ensure this kink does not cause havoc in their relationship and future together, is to first become aware that they have different styles of connecting, and different needs, and then to try connecting in their partner’s style and meeting their partner’s needs.
As I’ve written before, one partner always needs to start first taking responsibility for changing the status quo (or situation at hand) and getting things moving in a better direction. If both partners continue to wait for the other to start making changes, they’ll be both waiting a long time.
Once, the ball starts rolling, it picks up momentum: the other partner follows suit. Believe me it is true. I’ve seen this happen more often than not. Granted, the other partner might need some guidance, but because they are being showed love and interest they are willing to learn and stretch themselves. Give it a try and watch your bond flourish!
Happy Flourishing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Think on your connecting styles and identify how these promote your missing each other. Come up with specific examples for when you appeared to be out of sync. Approach your partner with this understanding and have a discussion about how to take turns using each of your styles, incorporating a new one, or in some other way compromising, so that you do get to connect and have your needs met.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Couple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.
The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating.
The temperamental relationship might appear chaotic, volatile, reactive, the partners are all over each other. The tenuous relationship might appear rigid, cold, boring, polite, a lot of rules are in place, the partners lead parallel lives. Some relationships might fluctuate between these or have traits of both.
Regardless of the relational style polarity the partners tend to create, one of the common denominators between the styles is their ineffective system structure. The couple system consists of two individual subsystems, the partners. How these are aligned within the couple system determines in part the effectiveness of information and energy flow between the partners required for building intimacy and connection.
When this flow is disrupted by an inappropriate systemic structure, the partners can not be their authentic selves in their interactions nor be fully alive in their relationship.
Imagine the partners as circles. In the temperamental relationship, the partners are enmeshed with one another. Their individual circles might significantly overlap one another or one might engulf the other. In the tenuous relationship the partners are disengaged where their individual circles might be very separate, might have an obstruction in between them, or are above one another.
Combination of these are possible creating more complex interactional patterns.
Imagine the couple system itself represented by a circle that contains the individual circles structure. The success of this system depends also on how the individual circles are positioned in relation to it. In some troubled couples, one or both of the individual circles might be outside the couple circle, or the couple circle is barely discernible.
In these cases, the energy is leaked out of the couple system giving the partners a double whammy to deal with – funky relational structure and views.
It makes sense then that couples would struggle… And, a little mis-alignment is probably present in most couples, not just the ones screaming for help… How can couples possibly experience and enjoy synergy!? We haven’t been taught how to do relationship health and maintenance. If anything, most of us have grown up with mediocre relational role models at best.
Not to worry, good intention and an open heart is a good beginning. Then, restructure your system to its proper healthy functional order! How?
1) Mind your interactions to see if you are doing any engulfing, owning, dismissing, rejecting or other disruptive relating with your partner. Correct any tendencies to do this.
2) Accept your partner fully – you don’t have to love everything about them or agree with everything they say and do, but try to understand, get and accept them for who they are.
3) Treat your partner as an equal and invite their authentic Self to come out and play.
4) Address gender and other roles, expectations, cultural influences and differences.
5) Cooperate with each other. Set up clear responsibilities and opportunities to shine.
6) Have functional and efficient routines for taking care of the business of life. Schedule staying current discussions.
7) Have a united front, work as a team, address any obstacles standing in between you or pulling you apart.
8) Build in couple fun and intimate time. Dialogue about what it takes for you to feel special in your relationship and how to sprinkle that into your relating.
9) Re-introduce old rituals and create new ones. Intentionally interact with one another. Regularly share what you appreciate about each other.
10) Set out to create the relationship you want with your partner. Mark your calendars with your next “Relationship Check-up Chat”.
The current state and structure of your relationship is a manifestation of your and your partner’s growth opportunity. You are co-creating exactly what you each need right now in your journey to continue to grow and heal your Selves. What a beautiful and humbling treat! Don’t let the moment pass you by, savor its richness. Appreciate the way of things.
Happy Restructuring!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™Assignment
Discuss with your partner ways in which you can each bring more equality, respect and intention into the relationship. Share with each other one new behavior you each intend to implement to foster effective information and energy flow between you for greater connectedness and intimacy, healing and growth.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You might not have a chance if you keep this up: A tendency to look for weaknesses, gaps, holes, things to improve, deficiencies and the like, and miss the boat on capitalizing on strengths in your relationship. We bring this tendency to how we view our partner and how we relate with them. We look for their shortcomings, what they forget to do, what they could do better, and what else they can do for us. We use a lack and negative expectations lens. We filter our experience to prove our negative expectations. We expect our partner to fail before they even try.
It is imperative that we stop using this destructive lens and reprogram our thinking. When partners struggle in their relationship, they usually have a proclivity for assuming the worst about their partner’s motives and how they feel. They sell themselves short believing their partner does not like them or care about them, then go about relating from this perspective…
Can you imagine how differently you’d relate if you believed you are cherished as opposed to hated? You’d be a lot more open and giving, and a lot less defensive and mean.
It is imperative that we give our partner the benefit of the doubt, the opportunity to show us their greatness, and take a risk letting them show us their love and care. I know it is challenging to do this, especially when our partner has been operating with defense mechanisms, which are usually hurtful to us. But they can’t give us something different if we don’t give them the chance.
I encourage partners to do Appreciations to start reprogramming this undermining habit. This forces them to focus on the positives in their partner, interactions and relationship. They get to search, find and acknowledge their partner’s good qualities, efforts and investments. This shift in focus assists in rewiring the brain, creating a different brain circuitry, which allows a different experience to emerge…
Learning to focus on the positive and things we is an essential skill. It engages the gratitude center of the brain, which cannot be in a state of gratitude and a state of fear at the same time. We usually operate from a fear state that is driven by egotistical thoughts… It is time to make a concerted effort at operating from a gratitude state. This means operating from an appreciation and abundant position that is driven by Loving and accepting thoughts…
We are not our mind… We do have control over our thoughts… We get into trouble when we overly identify with our mind. We don’t realize that our mind is just a tool for Self expression, that we don’t use well at that. We create incessant noise with our negative thinking, ugly pictures and low or unrealistic expectations. We end up creating an unsatisfying self-fulfilling prophecy and prevent our self from Being! It is time to properly engage your mind.
Take charge of what you think, what scripts you run, how you interpret things, what meaning you assign, and what pictures you conjure.
Remember that what we focus on perseveres, what we imagine we create, and what we expect we get. Create the most outrageous vision of your most fabulous relationship, and then carry on as if it already is… The more adept you get at engaging your mind the more wonderful your life and relationship are.
Happy Conjuring!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™Assignment
Let’s do better with focusing on the good and new…
Pay attention to the things you like throughout the day
Focus on the qualities you are attracted to in your partner
Identify your partner’s strengths and how they make your life better
Notice anything new your partner is trying to implement, any efforts put forth and any nurturing gestures (focus ONLY on what is, NOT what is not!)
Observe how you allow the good to come to you and how you are able to receive the good that is given…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When was the last time you were physically intimate with your partner? If you say a long time, you are not alone! A lot of couples share their sexual life is in the toilet. They struggle getting along, among other things, to the point that being physically intimate is the furthest thing from their mind. Getting along is a big priority for these couples. They experience a lot of fighting, a lot of distance or a rollercoaster of both.
The fighting can range from bickering, disagreeing, passive-aggressiveness to full blown screaming, degrading and even aggressive matches. Regardless of the intensity, these couples are in constant turmoil in their attempt to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished. They feel as if walking on barbedwire. One client shared he felt as if his stomach was full of broken glass.
For some couples conflict is so intolerable that they just prefer to avoid each other… These partners experience a gripping black whole in their chest and a sense of dread when in disconnection with their partner. The partner that usually prefers to be in connection feels as if they are falling off a cliff, but both partners struggle with the gloominess and stagnation.
Part of the reason couples end up in this place is because they tend to focus on the negative. They assign negative motives to their partner. They insist on pointing fingers and being the expert in their relationship as opposed to being accountable for their own contribution to the situation. And, they love to point out their partner’s shortcomings. Being the recipient of this treatment just plain sucks.
When partners treat each other this way, they touch the other’s vulnerable, already hurt and tender parts. It’s like adding salt to injury… What they invite as a result is the other’s usual way of coping with hurt, their defense mechanism. As defense mechanisms get activated, partners revert to less resourceful, appropriate and honoring ways of interacting leading to additional injury. Partners live in this state of affairs.
Over time the damage is so compounded that it is difficult for them to make sense of what is happening and to see the possibility of being able to have the relationship they want. They feel stuck, hopeless and believe the only way to have a happier existence is to get the heck out. But I see couples come back from this hopeless state and create beautiful relationships. I know it’s possible, and with targeted investment I know it’s possible for you as well.
So, here is to getting started on making this possible for you!
I am CHALLENGING you to stop the usual running script in your head, the dirty thinking about how much your partner stinks. Stop the incessant negative internal, and external, observations and chatter about your partner’s faults. I want you to STOP IT NOW.
Catch yourself having your negative assumptions and assigning of motives. Catch yourself nitpicking and looking for the imperfections. Catch yourself examining how your partner didn’t keep their word, follow up, finish a task, nagged you, etc.
Catch yourself thinking how your partner should be different. Just plain STOP IT! I want you to go cold turkey, detox, and eradicate this cancer that is ruining your relationship, and your life.
Instead I want you to do the exact opposite. I want you to scour every interaction, behavior, conversation, gift, etc. for how awesome and fabulous your partner actually is. I want you to SEE your partner. I want you to stop futzing around and take investing in your relationship seriously.
It’s time to make the changes you want and to make a full on commitment to making this happen. No more excuses. No just trying. Not making it work and not having the relationship you want are no longer options. Say yes to this different focus, and get to it!
I can imagine you just got to that last sentence and you were ready to go, and then doubt and fear crept back in. And, then you did your usual, “but why should I if my partner…” STOP IT! Challenge the part of your self that can’t take in the possibility of something different.
Stop making it about how your partner needs to change and about how much they stink. Start being accountable for what you contribute to your situation and how you invite what you get… Start inviting something different…
Start focusing on what’s awesome about your partner and how they do try… Clean your thinking. Give your partner a break. Envision the possibilities. Open the door to them. Refocus your investment and enjoy your partner! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Happy Refocusing!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Every night this week before going to bed, tell your partner 3 things you appreciate or like about them – be descriptive and detailed, authentic, and generous in your observation and sharing.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When we are “too close”, whether we are getting along or not … , we can’t see each other. If we can’t see each other, how can we possibly decide if we like each other and feel attraction?
This concept is confusing to most, when we live in a society where relationships struggle and the ideal is based on fairy tales and believing our partner should be our best friend.
This is wrong. We do not want our partner to be our best friend. This places them in the familial category which makes the relationship incestous. It makes sense that the attraction wanes, or doesn’t exist!
But even when we are not getting along, we might be too close for attraction and desire. We might think we are not feeling sexy feelings because we are fighting or are not seeing eye-to-eye. When in truth, we might not be feeling desire, because our energies and needs are enmeshed. This lack of differentiation is detrimental to relationships. It causes too much angst and erosion.
It’s an actual conundrum for partners as they need to experience separateness and differentiation to activate and maintain attraction, desire and passion (this is different from drama!), but need to experience togetherness and security to tolerate separateness and be able to thrive. This is where couples go wrong. They do funny business to juggle this dichotomy.
Due to this contrary nature, when we are psychically invested in meeting our emotional needs we can’t at the same time meet our erotic needs leaving couples to focus on the primary relational tasks of getting along, fighting well, communicating better, feeling closeness and spending fun times together.
This assists manage crisis, prevent relational trauma, repair damage, heal wounds, grow-up and joyfully and peacefully “stay on the horse.” For most couples this in and of itself is a life journey through which they get to enjoy a satisfying and intentional relationship.
The problem comes in when the enmeshment and psychic needs are so prevalent that even this foundation is challenging to achieve. The next phase of creating and sustaining desire, passion and eroticism is then inconceivable … Couples would benefit from distinguishing between these two stages of relating and not placing the cart before the horse which only creates more confusion, dissatisfaction and hopelessness.
Whether you are trying to establish a strong and secure structure or get to the next phase, fear not for as long as you are investing in this journey you’ll get results and create the life and relationship you want …
Here is to adding perspective and investing productively:
Closeness, togetherness and security (physical – intellectual – validation): Stand on your own two feet and own only yourself … Mind what you are doing and operate from your strengths. Let your partner do the same without judging or criticizing them.
Separateness and differentiation (psychic – emotional – empathy) – not to be misunderstood as being individualistic and ego driven: Explore uniqueness and tolerance … Learn to self manage and regulate, implement a lot of self care, embrace your uniqueness. Embrace our partner’s uniqueness.
Oneness and synergy (energetic – transcendent, visionary, creative – compassion, altruism): Unleash your Authentic Self and Light … Attune to what makes you happy and feel good in everyday life, your feelings are your guiding mechanism, get in touch with your Mission and get to it. Invite your partner to do the same.
Note these are not mutually exclusive and are fluid in nature. It is helpful to see them as a progressive range or stages (a ramp), and not as concrete steps or levels (a set of stairs). Most couples operate from some overlap of the first two stages, so know you are not alone!
Keep working your ramp and your desire and attraction quotient will skyrocket! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want. Enjoy more attraction, desire and loving today!
Happy Attraction and Loving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick an activity, outing or hobby you’ve been admiring from afar and work with your partner to integrate it into your schedule and routine. Build-in a reconnection ritual for when you get back …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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