Communication skills and tools are not just necessary for getting on the same page, making joint decisions and problem solving effectively. They are also indispensable for more deeply understanding each other and warmly flowing in our interactions with our partner. Excellent communication also helps increase our bonding.
Feeling understood is an existential human need… In feeling that the other “gets” us, we feel Known and that we exist… Feeling understood engenders feelings of belonging, being accepted, and safety. This is pretty much at the core of things! This is why it’s super important to use our skills and tools to make sure we get our partner, and others, when we are in our interactions with them.
And, with that it goes without saying how super important it is to show them that we got them… This is where the validation step in the Intentional Dialogue comes in. This is the step that partners forget in interactions that crashes the conversation and possibly even leads to a fight.
Equally important is to communicate so our partner can understand us, and to seek confirmation that we were understood.
Interactions don’t have to go south… Most of the time when couples refer to communication problems, they are actually referring to emotionally charged issues and conversations. They can’t communicate well when they are triggered… Which makes complete sense! Employing communication tools and skills has a lot to do with managing ourselves and being mindful to not trigger our partner… Removing roadblocks to communication goes a long way.
And most importantly, when we are mindful of how we show up and how we communicate we are investing in protecting, nurturing, and strengthening our bond…
Strengthening Our Bond
Therefore, it is imperative that we are very intentional and mindful about how we communicate with our partner and what the focus of our conversations are. For who doesn’t want a lovely and strong bond with their Lovey? Right?
I invite you to add having Meaningful Conversations to your Couple Time… Let’s not use couple time for just more binging on Netflix.
Awareness and consciousness about yourself
Do you know what triggers you and why? Do you know what core wound and defense mechanisms you keep playing out, what you contribute to your repeating patterns? Do you know what your needs are and how to meet them? Do you know your Love Language? Getting a deeper understanding of yourself in this way is enlightening and a great investment in your personal development…
Then, sharing this with your partner and integrating your new awareness into your interactions is truly transformative…
Then, you can share your understandings, discoveries, and what you make of them with your partner. Isn’t this a gorgeous conversation?
Aspirations and passions about yourself
Have you identified your Purpose, what drives you? Are you focused on that purpose daily? Do you have a vision of your future and your life? Do you have clear goals and milestones? What are you working on? Are your projects, tasks and routines in alignment withyour Vision? Getting some clarity around these and aligning your life accordingly makes life so much easier and pleasurable…
Then, share what you are up to, your desires, fears, and possible roadblocks with your partner for additional alignment and meaning…
Aren’t these delicious? Imaging these are the topics of your conversations most of the time… This is what gives our interactions depth and meaning. These interactions are what strengthen our bond, bring us closer and guide our relationship and life. This is how we create radiance and meaning in our relationship.
APPLICATION: Select the area about you that you want to explore, gain a deeper understand, more clarity and direction to play with… Set some time aside to indulge in this exploration, and then bring your discoveries, insights, and desires to your Couple Time
Awareness and consciousness about yourself
Awesomeness and uniqueness about yourself
Aspirations and passions about yourself
In developing ourselves and owning our sparkle, with bring more radiance to our relationship…
Be curious, be playful, be vulnerable, be available…
Share yourself more in your interactions and communication, strengthen you bond!
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Hey, we can all relate to being annoyed by our partner at one point or another. But sometimes this goes beyond our idiosyncrasies, quirks or habits. Sometimes we just pick, pick, pick and go around and around. We argue to make our point and prove ourselves right. We get into fights about how we are talking and arguing. And the fights might even escalate to epic proportions. There is no fun and love in that.
I you are bickering and fighting, how are your communication skills? Have you considered this as part of the issue?
I’ve been giving this topic more airtime recently to really help partners get over this hump:
Having great communication skills is a must in our relationship, actually in any relationship, for the partners, or parties involved, to feel good about the exchanges being had. In a love relationship this is paramount for helping the partners feel heard and understood, repair and apologize, get on the same page, make decisions, address issues and resolve conflict.
This is primarily where the safety and flavor of the relationship is created. This is where the partners get to gel, feel close and create intimacy, feel belonging and acceptance, address how to create their dreams and the rest of it.
When partners keep missing each other in interactions – when they force their perspective and miss their partner’s, when they hear what their partner is saying in terms of how it impacts them instead of understanding their partner’s experience, when they are not attuned or available, how are they to get on the same page and feel understood and accepted?
It is impossible to get on the same page when we say something, and our partner responds not to what we said but to what they interpreted and assumed we meant. And, when we do the same to them…
The key here is to listen with an open heart and compassion. To listen with the intent of understanding what is going on for our partner, regardless of what that means for us. And to definitely not make it about what it means about us!
So, just listen. Try to understand what they are saying without getting stuck on the words being used. And try to understand what it means for them, what is happening for them, given what they are saying. Don’t make assumptions, translate or play therapist!
Then, reflect back what you are hearing, repeat to them what you heard them say: “I’m hearing you say __________”.
When partners feel genuinely heard, they stop repeating themselves, they stop using pejorative and blaming language and they soothe any agitation or intensity…
This very basic skill is a game changer! Give it a good try.
Debriefing Chats
Couples experience the most difficulties during transition times in their routines and life flow… Moving from work mode to couple or family time is usually a major friction point and when most of the arguments happen…
Building in some time to realign as you switch gears is key to pave the way for being together, honoring each other, and enjoying what’s up next.
All it takes is intentionality. Start by agreeing when the transition time is… This in and of itself is massive. Usually, partners are not on the same page about this and are automatically set up for conflict…
This would look something like: Having “Morning coffee/tea” at 7 am Touch base at lunch at 1pm Dinner time / evening routine starts at 6:30 pm Reconvene at 1 pm on weekend days
Once you have a time, use this time align – share what you’ve been doing, things you experienced, what’s on your mind, address any lose ends or concerns, recap game plan for what’s up next and such…
This ensures you flow and operate well together. It prevents all the nonsense couples experience and build-up of minutiae and concerns and therefore chaos and resentment… Implement this immediately to take charge of your day and flow with each other. Enjoy!
Appreciation Sprinkles
It is hurtful to not be seen and recognized in our relationship. Especially when we try to be loving, kind, generous and attentive and it seems to fall on blind eyes and deaf ears. Better yet, might feel like our partner is in a sensory deprivation tank or another plane of existence! LOL
Don’t get me wrong, they might feel the same way. It might seem to them like we are in a sensory deprivation tank or another plane of existence…
There are many ways to address this, but the easiest and fastest is to simply be mindful…
What does this mean in this context? It means to be present and aware, to notice. And then to action this awareness…
At any moment in time when you see your partner, let them know a couple of things they’ve done that day or how they were that you appreciated.
To remember to do this, you might do it at specific times in your routine: When transitioning from one part of the day to another or from one activity to another, before meals, at bedtime and such.
This minor caring gesture is super powerful in shifting energy and reconnecting… Play with this one with gusto. It’s super rewarding.
These are so easy to implement and yet powerfully transformative.
ASSIGNMENT: Decide which Communication Hack you’ll embrace first and make a Habit of it. Add it to your Habits list / tracker and play full out with it:
Reflective Listening
Debriefing Chats
Appreciation Sprinkles
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Great communication has to do with smoothing things out and feeling Aligned. It has to do with getting on the same page, feeling understood and accepted, and getting traction towards a vision in common. Unfortunately, partners get in their own way when interacting with each other which prevents the flow of joy, harmony and love that is possible when doing this well. Let’s remove the roadblocks to great communication. Shall we?
Gottman is a researcher who has a research-based approach to relationships. If you are struggling in your relationship, you might be already acquainted with the 4 Horseman… Once Contempt shows up, the relationship is in trouble. This creates painful and damaging exchanges. Contempt is a strong predictor of divorce!
The easiest way to avoid these is to be preventative in your communication approach to begin with. If you employ great communication skills and tools, you won’t be finding the 4 Housemen at your doorsteps.
And hey, I’m not one to give up or let others give up easily… So even if these are currently present in your relationship, I encourage you to work your side to stop doing these and to invite something else from your partner…
Here is where Relationship Mindset, personal ownership and effective boundaries come in very handy. These are important for you to change how you choose to look at and experience your partner and your relationship… For once you do so, you can show up differently and invite something different from your partner…
In any case, aside from keeping the 4 Horseman away, you also need to avoid the Dirty Dozen of Communication in your interactions.
The Dirty Dozen of Communication
1 – Addressing needs or concerns when triggered
When we are in a triggered state, our brain is marinating in emotional juices that prevent us from fully accessing the executive, logical and problem-solving part of our brain. This means that no matter how hard you try to get on the same page it’s virtually impossible to stay sensible and productive.
This is not a judgment against feelings. Feelings have their place, but when rampant and heightened they don’t support productive communication.
2 – Using electronic devices as modes of communication
It is so interesting that partners choose to address concerns on social media and other platforms, via email, and specially via text. I realize that we live in an age of electronic communication, but so much gets lost via this medium…
A communication approach needs to include visual, audio and physical presence so you can feel the energy better and include touch as you see fit. This ensures you are able to pick up all the nuances of the communication and align with more than just words. And so that the words are not taken out of context or misinterpreted.
3 – Addressing issues on the fly
It is unproductive to throw issues out into the air and expect our partner to catch them and play nice with them. It’s unfair to expect them to catch them at all, and then to be ready on a whim to give the topic the proper attention it needs.
Nothing serious should be tackled this way as the context might not be conducive for a deep and productive conversation, and our partner might not be receptive for whatever reason. A productive conversation happens when the partners are ready to have a productive conversation. Setting up time and the proper context goes a huge way.
4 – Starting conversations when not in a good state
If you or your partner is not in a good state, it doesn’t make sense to have the conversation. This is true even if the conversation was set up properly ahead of time. If either of you is hungry, tired, still triggered, and such, you are not resourced enough and won’t have what it takes to do the conversation justice.
In this case it is best to reschedule or postpone the conversation and address other needs first.
5 – Disregarding good communication skills and tools
You might start a conversation with the best of intentions but as soon as things get a little hot, all the skills and tools go out the window. This is why it’s very important to be resourced, so a little heat doesn’t throw you off.
Also, setting up the conversation properly ensures you bring your skills and tools with you. A less intentional approach might miss this important detail…
Using your skills and tools is a decision. Make it wisely and honor it. Don’t get lazy. If you find that you feel like disregarding the skills and tools or that you can’t access them, then it’s not a good time to have a meaningful conversation…
6 – Forcing conversations
Remember you both have to be in the right place, and stay in the right place, for a meaningful conversation to take place and continue. If this is not true for either of you, or if things change as the conversation is underway, then it’s time to call it. Either postpone the conversation or pause it…
Do set up another time to pick up where you left off and make sure you do so. This sets up a precedent to be able to not push to have conversations that are not likely to go well in the moment… It creates trust allowing for a necessary cooling off or resetting period.
7 – Not really listening, paying attention or taking in the other
What’s the point of having a conversation if you are not listening, paying attention or taking in your partner? The point of having a conversation is to understand and get each other. To get on the same page. To resolve concerns. To collaborate. To dream. To share love.
If you are not present, if you are listening to combat what you are hearing, if you just want to talk about your side, you are missing the point of having the conversation… In this instance, you might as well forego the talk as you are actually creating more damage by not mindfully showing up…
8 – Not having personal accountability and ownership
You’ll find it insightful and eye-opening to revisit in your mind’s eye a past interaction with your partner that didn’t go well.
When you revisit, make believe you are an invisible stranger observing the exchange. This stranger is a relationship expert and has successful relationship tactics know-how…
See how the stranger sees you and how you are interacting… Does the stranger think you are being accountable for yourself, showing up with your best self, and fully owning yourself?
The stranger is not there to observe your partner, they are only able to see you… What do they see? Do they think you are doing the best job you can? What might they offer you as feedback?
Take this feedback to heart and make the necessary changes going forward…
9 – Track-jumping and messy content
Decide before hand what the topic of discussion is and the intention for the conversation. The quickest way to lose each other, trigger each other, and to shift from the possibility of a great conversation to one that crashes is to be messy in what you bring up…
Avoid jumping from topic to topic or example to example, going off on lengthy tangents, not fully finishing your thought or sentences before changing to something else, and such…
And avoid using sensitive information or already addressed and resolved issues to make your points! There is nothing more hurtful than to use your partner’s sensitivities, especially things shared in confidence or during vulnerable moments.
Take the time to organize your thoughts, your message, your point and stick with it as you go. Stay mindful of not hurting your partner unnecessarily, and especially not intentionally.
10 – Making a federal case
The point of a conversation with your partner is not to win. That’s right, there is no winning in a relationship… If you “win” that means your partner “loses”, right? And, if that’s the case, did you actually “win”?
When you go about a conversation as if you are trying a federal case, everybody loses. There is no logic or empirical data that’s relevant to getting on the same page… Everything about a relationship is subjective, emotional and personal…
Therefore, stop with trying to prove how things really happened, and who is right and who is wrong, and keeping a scorecard!
Tactics like analyzing, interpreting, diagnosing, questioning, probing, and arguing have no place in a conversation where you are holding space for your partner to show up and for you to really get them…
Conversations are not about me vs you. Conversations are about me getting you…
11 – Being aggressive in speech, attitude or behavior
The simplest way to create friction, misalignment, and invite poor reactions from our partner is to show up protecting ourselves, trying to win or one-up our partner. When we try to force our way in some way, it is destructive.
This can take a lot of different forms, but the not-so-obvious ones include: Ordering, directing, commanding, warning, threatening, admonishing, and the like…
12 – Patronizing in some form…
Believe it or not, some things that we might consider positive in interactions are actually not great forms of communication… These include things like: Praising, agreeing, supporting, reassuring, sympathizing, consoling, advising, giving solutions, suggesting and such. The reason for this is that we are infusing ourselves in the interaction with these tactics…
A conversation has two parts, being there for our partner and our partner being there for us. Being there for our partner means absolutely and fully getting their side without infusing anything from ours into it… It means not corrupting their experience with ours…
This is a huge concept, as most of us use the above to be supportive, understanding and such not realizing that we actually undermine, minimize and dismiss the other’s experience when we interject ourselves into it… Just hold space for your partner’s experience and their truth…
Let’s say that you don’t have great communication skills and tools yet. Being mindful of avoiding the above will take you a long way as you expand your great communication skills and tools repertoire.
The key is to bring as much mindfulness and positive intentions to your interactions as possible.
ASSIGNMENT: Make a list of all the poor communication habits and undermining tactics you tend to employ in your communication and interactions with your partner, and others for that matter! Select the two that are the most pervasive, and commit to eradicating them from approach.
Being an intentional and mindful communicator is a gift to your partner and your relationship. And, to you, as upgrading how you communicate will definitely bring your relationship to the next level. You CAN create the relationship you desire…
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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