Couples share one of the main issues in their relationship is their inability to properly communicate. They feel out of sync, not on the same page, disconnected, and not understood. To top it off their planning, getting things done, resolving conflict, making decisions and such are jeopardized by their lack of communication skill.
Their inept attempt at communicating makes things worse as they hurt each other’s feelings, widen the gulf between them, and feel further misunderstood and alone. Add to this all the other “funny” things partners do in their relationship that make it challenging to get along, and it makes sense they might feel in a slump …
Fear not, start getting out of the slump, addressing issues or simply creating a better relationship with improved communication. The video below gives you instructions on exactly how to do just that!
5 Tips for Better Communication:
1) Make sure you heard the message correctly
2) Show your partner you understand where they are coming from
3) Show your partner you understand how they “feel”
4) Make time to “chat” (dialogue)
5) Deal with your selves while you wait to talk…
Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Go for it, start the year right with new communication skills and nurturing your relationship!
Happy Communicating!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify an item that you want to discuss or address with your partner. Invite them to dialogue about it following the instructions in the video above (share the video with them so you are on the same page!).
Before the “talk”, think about what it is you want to discuss and wrap your mind around your “story” or “point” so you speak your truth in a “clean”, respectful, and mindful manner: share how your emotions, how you are impacted by their behavior, your needs, etc. without beating up your partner. Speak about you, not how much your partner “sucks”…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships.
I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship.
There are three steps to this process:
1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)
2) Stopping the pattern (insight and stretch)
3) Repairing, Rebuilding, and Revitalizing (skill and action)
Recognizing the pattern is a massive first step. I know that you know when you are in it. I know you recognize the repetitiveness of it, and the stuck and hopeless feeling. So, recognizing the pattern as the first step might seem silly to you, but stick with me as there is actually a lot more here…
Couples feel stuck when they start arguing and can’t resolve their disagreement. They recognize the pattern here: how they feel, their approach, and the outcome. I want to challenge you to dissect, deconstruct, this further in order to identify opportunities for “doing” something different and therefore allowing, inviting, and creating a different outcome and the possibility for something amazing.
The pattern has typical elements. Here is a basic overview to get you started:
Resistance and ambivalence: The disagreement actually happened way before the fight … If you are fighting, consider yourself lucky as the disagreement is now overt and can be addressed …
The first sign that you are entering the twilight zone is when your partner is non-compliant, non-responsive, and you experience either of you doing aggressive, intrusive, controlling, flaky or flighty or wishy-washy, forgetful, manipulative, passive aggressive or other non-self-owing behavior. This is the sign that you are not on the same page.
Tension and intensity: Things start feeling weird. Physical symptoms might manifest (head, back, stomach or other ache, allergies, cough, losing one’s voice (literally), diarrhea, cramps, etc.). Negative emotions start to escalate (anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, rejection, overwhelm, etc.).
Circularity: You want to address what is going on and get to some resolution, but don’t know how. You start tip-toeing around, or possibly lashing out, in an attempt to synchronize, connect, get on the same page, get your needs met, or prevent a fight. You start saying the same old things, repeating yourself, you hear the same old from your partner – historical loaded words, phrases or requests show up.
You both become stubborn. Your logic becomes very rigid, narrow, black-n-white, loopy, but most importantly, your internal process becomes a broken record … If you pay attention, you’ll notice your “story” showing up, your script, your saga, your rules and expectations … This “mindset” makes up your overarching relationship pattern …
Defensiveness and reactivity: At this point you are in the middle of if. You know you are in the pattern and you go around and around. You become defensive and lose sight of your partner and the bigger picture. Responses become reactive and attacking. Inappropriate, acting out, behavior might be thrown into the mix. This can become the point of no return in this round …
You can prevent this. When you start observing and decoding what’s happening, you are already intervening in both your behalf’s and starting the “pattern interruption.” You are on the right track to resolving the impasse!
The next step is to go a little deeper and understand the trigger, the point of divergence. This is the root of the disagreement. This is where old hurts, projections, identification, internalizing, mind-reading, assigning of negative motives, assumptions, unexpressed expectations and needs, etc. come into play.
This is the fertile ground for growth and healing. This is where your stretch is needed to break out of your mold to do better for your Self, and activate parts of yourself that allow you to be there for your partner in the way they need it … Once you transcend your fight and bring this to the table, you’ll be having a very different conversation … You can now address the source of the disagreement and get resolution …
But even more magnificently, this is where you get to create the relationship you want. This is where the fun begins. This is where the “relationship work” is exciting, captivating, alluring, inviting, seductive, enthralling, seamless, effortless. This is the intentional relationship where you put in the good stuff and create pure awesomeness.
This is the possibility after you get out of your own way … You are ready to repair, rebuild and revitalize. You can learn how to do this and apply it. You look forward to learning and applying it. You start breaking your own rules and thinking outside the box. This is where the magic is unleashed. This is where your vibrant relationship is created. It is absolutely breathtaking to be in this place!
Get out of our own way, break your own rules and be blown away by what lies just up ahead … !
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Rule Breaking!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Invite your partner into a dissection discussion. Review a prior fight looking for places where you each could have responded differently and how to foster togetherness, team work and support, cohesiveness, understanding, compassion, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, closeness, and intimacy …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I don’t know why partners can be wonderful people to strangers, and yet awful to each other. Wait, actually I do know why!
There is an inherent risk in being nice to our partner… We create the opportunity for being available, vulnerable, close, intimate, One… Creating the possibility for change, for More…
This can be threatening. Our Ego is not able to tolerate this Togetherness and Vastness… Instead it looks at “being nice” as a danger that we might lose ground and ourselves, as a message that we are OK with the status quo and with unacceptable interactions, as permission to accept getting less than we deserve, as an agreement to live with deprivation, neglect, negativity and even abuse.
But the opposite is true, being Ego led maintains the status quo! Not taking a risk and being run by fear is our Ego’s way of keeping things as they are – “safe”, separate… Sometimes it’s easier to deal with what is than with what could be… Yet, this is painful and not safe… Maintaining the illusion of separateness is a sure way of keeping things as they are…
What a waste this is! Is this how we want to live our life? Is this the kind of relationship we want to create? At the end of the day, the amount of pain and suffering endured is for nothing… This is a coward’s way of living – playing it safe and not showing up to life, to intimate relating.
This is putting your hand up to the Universe and saying, “It’s OK, I don’t need closeness or intimacy, or to Be in Relationship, to feel Love. I’m not on this earth to be Alive. I’m just here to take up space”…
It’s time to fire your Ego! Here is my OMG Formula (sm) on how to switch from fear to heart based interactions with your partner that is a proven approach to creating peace, love, intimacy, passion and synergy in your relationship.
Ownership – First and foremost, you MUST take ownership of what you are contributing to your status quo and clean out anything harmful. Even if what you are contributing is seemingly positive… Are you overfunctioning, protecting, helping, diffusing, being a goodie-two-shoes, selfless, dedicated, a go-getter?
Do you take charge? Are you enabling? Remember, you co-create the relationship you have. So, even if something you are doing seems positive, think of the impact it has on your partner… The more you “do” (react), the less your partner has to… And vice versa!
Mindfulness – Use a caring, understanding and compassionate, lens to interpret your situation and interactions. Stop making assumptions and assigning malicious motives to your partner’s behavior and actions. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt, room to show their intentions, and look for attempts at connection and repair.
They might not do these with finesse, but is the effort and intention that count. With patience, tolerance and respect you can provide guidance on polishing the delivery so it can touch your heart.
Greatness – Always put your best foot forward, be the better person, and take the higher road. We save our yummy parts for other people in our life. Our partner gets to see and experience the worst of us… Why deprive them of your magnificence? Share your skills, talents, passion, and greatness with your partner!
Below is your MetroRelationship™ Assignment to get you started immediately creating the relationship you want!
The intention and investment to create a Heart Centered life and relationship takes courage, but ultimately the return is well worth the risk.
Don’t pass on the game of life! Be nice!
Happy Playing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Take stock of how you are “too helpful or good” in your relationship. Pay attention to how this robs your partner of the opportunity to show up and be there for you… Pick 3 of these intimacy sabotaging mechanisms you usually employ and start weaning yourself off today! Be gentle and loving to yourself as you stretch into this new way of Being. Be prepared for your resistance to the new intimacy you’ll start experiencing… Enjoy!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When your life feels like it’s not working, when your relationship feels like it’s not working – have you pondered why? I’m sure you have!
The problem with this pondering that you might be doing is that you are probably focusing on the wrong things and that is why you either can’t make changes or the changes are happening SUPER slow that you can’t even tell things are changing …
Fixing your life and your relationship is not a logical exercise to be puzzled out. That approach is futile… Life and relationships don’t reside in a logical realm – they reside in an experiential realm. What is missing from your life and relationship is not a nicer car, or better treatment from your partner, or whatever you claim you are missing. What is missing from your life and relationship is YOU!
Once you start showing up to your life and relationship, things change instantaneously. Decisions are easier to make, doors open up, serendipity happens, grace is bestowed upon you. Things are easy. Can you imagine that!? Things are easier…
Stop blaming your past mistakes and deficiencies, your parents, your boss, your partner. It is time that You show up!
Showing-up means:
Getting in touch with and understanding your feelings (not your thoughts!) -your emotions… And, sharing them
Tracing back your emotions to unmet needs and responsibly, appropriately, responsively, mindfully, intentionally addressing them
Diligently working on getting needs met by making small, quantifiable, behavior change requests or nurturing gestures of significant others, especially your partner, to touch hurt feelings
Focus on getting emotional needs met… Practical needs follow…
Getting support and assistance in this journey – it is a challenge to get in touch with our Authentic Self and bringing it out to play
Expanding your circle of loved, or at least liked, ones
Sharing your opinion even if it’s unpopular
Showing your quirkiness and idiosyncrasies even in the face of possible rejection
Showing up to interactions and being present – increasing opportunities for interacting
Exploring interests and actively pursuing, incorporating, them into your lifestyle
Taking measured risks and consistent action to create the life and relationship you want
If you don’t show up to your life and relationship – you don’t really have a life or relationship to complain about!! Take a risk – start showing up – I’m sure you’ll be liked, approved of, and you’ll be at least good enough …
If You Need Help with your Relationship Enrichment – Contact Us Today!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We hear all the time that having boundaries is a must for healthy living and happiness in relationship. The only glitch is that a lot of people don’t have the slightest idea about boundaries, never mind about setting them appropriately.
I find that couples who struggle and come in for therapy, have severe boundary issues. They are all over their partner and not aware of how they contribute to their repeating negative patterns of relating and dissatisfying dynamics. These partners are waiting for their partner to change. They think that if their partner changes, everything will be OK and they’ll finally be happy. I tell them: “Good luck with that, you’ll be waiting a long time”…
When partners do this, they are disempowering themselves and each other. They put all their focus on the other, which they CAN NOT control no matter what they believe … instead of focusing on how they need to heal, stretch, change, grow, evolve … When this happens change, progress and movement can’t take place and the relationship feels stuck, stagnant or chaotic. It is a very unhappy place for all!
About Boundaries (borrowed from “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend):
Types of boundaries – Skin, words, truth, geographical distance, time, emotional distance, other people, consequences
Contained by boundaries – Feelings, attitudes and beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, love
Problems with boundaries – Saying “yes” to the bad, saying “no” to the good, not respecting others’ boundaries, boundary injuries, not hearing the needs of others
Setting Healthy Boundaries:
Own your self, don’t own others – You can’t tell someone else how to be, what to feel, think, do, need, etc. and you can’t let others tell you …
Hold your position – Responsively, mindfully and responsibly stand by your beliefs, needs, convictions, etc. Don’t blow with the wind, be a door mat, or a push over. Don’t be rigid either …
State your thoughts and feelings – Express your self fully with authenticity, without manipulation, strings attached, or attachment to results and outcome …
Get your needs met – Mind how you express requests for getting your needs met in terms of timing, tone, clarity, specificity, doability, etc. … Do express your needs and need for help or assistance. Needing help does not make you weak, it facilitates your growth …
Appropriate structure – Set clear expectations, routines, systems, communication, roles, responsibilities, resources, etc. to keep things clean, effective, healthy, harmonious, and harmonious …
Set other’s up for cooperation – Give options for others to choose from that you can live with when making decisions, enlisting help, making plans, etc. …
The bottom line is to mind and live in one’s world, not the other’s, and share, visit, each other’s world for intimacy. Build and share your world!
Happy Boundary Setting!
PS1 – A Gift for You! Setting Effective Boundaries
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PS2 – As always, we are here for you!If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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