It is just the way it is for some couples. After a while they can’t feel their partner. They don’t feel loved and actually believe their partner doesn’t care about them. They feel like just roommates, two ships passing in the night. Others don’t even see each other at night! They spend so little quality time together that they forget to show up to their relationship!
This is a huge phenomenon in relationships. I see this day in and out in my practice. Couples complain that they are stagnant, bored, deprived, running on empty, alone, lonely, and just plain disconnected. People get so busy in their routines and their lot in life that they forget to actually live their life and be in relationship!
I have seen couples do funny things with their schedules, routines, and responsibilities so that they have very little wiggle way to find mutual time. These couples run from one activity, event, engagement, responsibility to the next and collapse at the end of their day leaving no time or energy to being fully engaged with their partner. And, then they wonder how come they can’t feel their partner!
We need to be available to ourselves and our partner in order for our relationship to be alive. When we have so many thoughts, concerns, and demands, we build a wall of preoccupation, stress, and inconsequentials around us that shelter us from intimacy. This wall keeps our true self in hiding. It gets harder and harder for our authenticity and our splendor to shine through when such a thick opaque glass surrounds us!
I envision these couples in thick opaque glass cocoons, sitting next to each other, talking and waving, but they can’t hear or really see one another. Never mind touch one another! It is a scary site. We can’t connect with someone we can’t touch… I implore you to shed your protection and let your true self, your authenticity, brilliance, power, enigma, playfulness, sensuality and love shine through!
When you are not guarded and protected, when you are not shut down (my clients love this phrase) and you are available to your partner, your relationship can start to feel alive.
Show-up to your relationship and feel your connection!!
Happy Showing-Up!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make a weekly date with your partner to just be with each other not doing (getting errands done, shopping, meeting others, discussing tasks or responsibilities, etc.). Discuss how you would like to be:
sharing a light meal and intimate thoughts
sipping tea and holding hands on a park bench
watching a sunset while snuggled up on a board walk
sitting in your living room with no TV, some candles and soft music on, and reminiscing about tender moments and good times
doing intimacy building exercises from the the couples companion (refer to the resource section)
etc.
This is difficult to do when you are feeling disconnected. Just get into the habit and you’ll start reaping the benefits real soon!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Most couples can revitalize their relationship after they’ve lost desire for each other and/or after being in their non-sexual relationship (10 sexual encounters a year (less than one per month) for a while, even for decades! This is good news! These dissatisfied couples loose hope of ever having an interesting, stimulating and satisfying relationship with their partner that includes a healthy sexual component. This does not have to be the case!!
Dissatisfied couples fall into patterns of relating that hold them back from their true intimate potential. They have a very limited repertoire of interactions within their tedious and boring daily routines and in their interactional style. They don’t utilize the spectrum of behavior and experiences available to them that automatically engender the feelings and relationship they crave.
Partners say they love each other, even though sometimes it might even be difficult to concede that, but crave the feeling of being-in-love with their partner, of having passion. Anthropologist, Helen Fisher, speaks of Romantic Love, comprised of passion, as a by-product of novelty.
She claims that mystery, newness, physical activity, and joint endeavors increase the chemical levels in the brain that make us feel elated, in-love, passionate, energetic, high.
Couples don’t take advantage of the natural and built-in benefits of the novelty factor. Couples that have been together for a long time and that know each other well believe that novelty has gone out the window, but novelty can be brought into any relationship at ANY time with some external assistance: Doing new fun and physical activities, creating new routines, going on trips and vacation, doing joint projects or ventures, etc.
These couples’ situation is compounded when they bring into the relationship distorted views and definitions of intimacy and sexuality. Their expectations of fairy tale romance or porn/movie-like sexual encounters set them up for disappointments.
These contribute to couples’ misconceptions, expectations and negative images of self and other that impede establishing and maintaining real levels of intimacy including mutually satisfying sexual interactions.
This can be addressed with a reality check, honesty, openness, and acceptance, and by adapting an anti-avoidance approach to intimacy, which includes: Positive anticipation, pleasure oriented sex and regular consistent sexual interactions.
Sometimes, with even the best of intentions, sex is worlds away. Sex follows a specific formula: Desire, Arousal, Orgasm and Satisfaction. This process is truncated when there is a lack of desire because of relational and circumstantial issues. Couples can manage this by reformulating their approach to physical intimacy: They can go for arousal first which in turn invites desire promoting the continuation of the encounter. Just get moving!
There are 5 Gears of Physical Intimacy according to Couple Sex Therapy Expert, Dr. Barry McCarthy, author of Rekindling Desire. The gears include:
Affectionate Touch
Sensual/Non-Genital Touch
Playfulness/Genital or Non-Genital
Erotic Stimulation (High Arousal)
Intercourse
Couples that are having difficulties or who are not fully satisfied in their relationship usually have only two out of these gears. They go from affection to intercourse. And, if they don’t make it to intercourse, they also give up on the affection… Not for nothing these partners feel disconnected, unloved and dissatisfied!
Integrating additional physical intimacy gears to the couple’s repertoire of interactions assist in creating the anti-avoidance mind set, promotes arousal/desire, and are a source of novelty. This is a must have tool!!
Couples can break the avoidance/dissatisfaction cycle, become more intimate, meet their needs and create a satisfying relationship. Add some novelty, touch more and have more sex and watch the Passion soar!!! Revitalize your relationship today!!!
Happy Revitalizing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Their expectations of fairy tale romance or porn/movie-like sexual encounters set them up for disappointments. These contribute to couples’ misconceptions, expectations and negative images of self and other that impede establishing and maintaining real levels of intimacy including mutually satisfying sexual interactions.
Non-judgingly discuss with your partner how this might be true in your relationship and create a more realistic joint perspective.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I find that most couples do not have a vision of their future in place. They do not know where they are going in life. They deal with things as they come up, live pay-check-to-pay-check or floating their lives on credit cards, putting out fires, and mechanically going through their days.
They cannot benefit from their inherent synergy and gifts because they do not have a vision of how they want their future to be, never mind a plan for getting there.Going through life without a plan is like going on a road trip without a map, you will not enjoy the ride!
This is a complete waste of a perfect partnership! And yes, you are a perfect partnership even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment… You are a perfect partnership in that you complement each other, you trigger each other creating opportunities for growth, and have a vested interest in seeing each other (your “team”) succeed. No other partnerships meet these criteria to their full extent.
Not utilizing the partnership with your lovie to its full potential is such a crime! Everything you need is already built in. Your job is to learn how to use it for maximum results. And, the first step is to know how you want things to be. Have a very clear picture of this for now and for the future.
I know that this may seem unbelievable when you are struggling in your relationship. This might seem far-fetched and unrealistic. But, the way to go about this is to take a look at your relationship by being removed from it by looking AT it and not from within it. This enables you to see the bigger picture.
This allows you to see what is holding you back from your vision… Why is there a struggle in the relationship? If your struggle could talk, what would it say it is trying to teach you? What are the lessons in the struggle? What is the stretch? How does it push you to grow up, own yourself, learn new skills, address unresolved issues, change patterns, etc.?
For you see your relationship is a path to becoming your Authentic Self. When you start addressing, learning, resolving, growing, healing, etc. you become ready for creating your vision. You achieve the means for manifesting your Authentic Life
I understand how challenging this is for those of you who can’t even see a future with your partner. I implore you to not worry about deciding on the status of your relationship, nor to worry about the possibility of this. Instead, put that in a box on a shelf to be addressed at a later time.
In the mean time, as long as you are still with your partner… I want you to focus on Being with your partner… Give it your all! This is the only way – you will either create an awesome relationship or know sooner than later that this is no longer a viable path for you. So, don’t torture yourself “deciding”, you will know…
What does it mean to give it your all? It means you do targeted investing in your relationship – not “crooked trying”. I hear all the time how partners “have tried it all”… When exploring this – the partners did the same old over and over, stuck with their ego, waited for their partner to change, and in a nutshell didn’t really do much investing but wasted time and resources… No wonder they are tired and feel hopeless!
I want you to go at this from a different place. Stop your usual and give to your partner how they prefer to be given, how they like to receive… Focus on what you contribute, what you need to change and improve. Give this your full attention. Tweak and tweak. Do a “Groundhog Day” on your approach to your relating. You will crack the code.
You have the opportunity and all you need right now to go at this for ultimate results,manifesting your vision – creating your Authentic Relationship and Life. Don’t over think it! Just go for it!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog!
Happy Tweaking!
~Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
If you are questioning your commitment: Stop it! Go at your relationship as if you are committed… Give it your all. If you are struggling: Take a moment to look AT your relationship, and look for how you need to be in it differently… If you want to make things even better: Create a relationship vision and a plan of action for investing in and nurturing it, and your Life… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The bottom line of the romantic relationship is feeling connected, loved and acknowledged. This is what we strive for in our relationship. This is of course not the only thing we want out of our relationship, but it sure is one of the top ones! This explains the need to partner up in life. We are social beings and need to live in relationship.
We know ourselves and exist in relationship with our partner. This is our mirror – we can see ourselves and know we exist in this reflection. Partners co-construct their existence. The romantic relationship’s inherent intimacy is fertile ground for feeling alive. It is, therefore, very scary and dismal to be alone in our relationship when one or both partners are absent. Our existence and aliveness becomes questionable.
This is why people feel distraught, hopeless, aimless, and stuck when their relationship is rocky. Their sense of self is shaken in the absence of a secure connection and their life appears meaningless, empty, and gloomy. It is difficult to behold our reflection, see with clarity and bear witness to the beauty, when looking into a shattered mirror.
For us to feel fully alive, revel in our relationship, and luxuriate in all life has to offer, we need to utilize this built-in existence co-creating mechanism in our relationship. When both partners are fully present in their relationship, they are accessible to each other and themselves. They bring forth all of themselves to play with. All the parts of themselves are activated and engaged. They can partake in all life brings them and attract all they want out of life. They can jointly co-create an amazing reality and life journey. They can be truly and fully alive and savor life!
But this is not a simple task. It is not easy to be fully present and available to ourselves and our partner. We have learned to loose, hide and deny parts of ourselves growing up, and we have created socially acceptable masks to wear. We have even developed coping mechanisms that keep us from one another and ourselves.
The Rx is to start being true to ourselves by exploring and developing ourselves, and then sharing this openly with our partner. Shine your mirror. Be present in your life and in your relationship, and experience Awakening! Plant and nurture the seeds of yourself in the garden of your relationship, and watch it bloom into life!
Happy Blooming!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make a list of ten things you would like to try out or experience that you have not pursued or entertained. Include items to tantalize the senses. Be creative and don’t hold back. Now hop to it and enjoy!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our body is not just a receptacle that houses our Self. It is how the Self manifests itself. The flesh that we refer to as our body is actually all-knowing pulsating molecular energy – the material of the Self, our Being.
Here we store information such as our histories, experiences, their impact, our wishes and desires, feelings, and have access to Knowledge, choices, best options, outcomes, a sense of others and community, and even love.
When we are not in-tune with our body we are disconnected from ourselves, miss out on the possibilities, and are out of touch with our full, authentic Self. This is worsened when we don’t take care of our body by resting, nourishing, and appropriately stimulating it.
Therefore operating from a grinding mode (imagine your car without all necessary liquids and other maintenance) that generates hiccups, blips, static and other noises. We our operating from a suboptimal state.
Our energy’s waves and strength get stuck in that muck. We get stuck. We don’t fully know our Self or use our Self to live a full life. When our energy is bouncing around within our constrictive immediate space it can’t shine through and show Itself. Or, it leaks out in distorted opaque dribbles – not a magnificent radiation.
Most of our efforts in our life then get used to manage this state and the symptoms, chaos, and stuckness it creates. What a waste!
Not for nothing most people struggle at life, and their relationships. How can you possibly have a satisfying relationship with your partner in the midst of this? Your partner can’t fully feel and engage You (and vice versa)! It’s time to clean up your act. Take care of your body, get rid of the noise, tune-in to your Self and start shining through. Radiate to your partner and bathe them with Love.
Happy Shinning!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take up an activity that soothes you, calms down your insides, and settles you down.
Trade an unhealthy habit for a healthy nourishing one.
Establish a connecting ritual with your partner.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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