What do you usually think of when you think of the “f…” word? We probably both think of the same four-letter word, but for today let’s make our “f…” word a more meaningful word. F is for Focus. F is for Freedom. I’ve written before that what we focus on persists.
What we focus on either enables us or enslaves us… We have the power to create our awesome ongoing experience… All we have to do is choose. We have to exercise our freedom of choice. This applies to everything in our lives.
Choose. Focus. Create. This is the power of freedom. When we choose to focus on things we value, appreciate and that make sense to us we enable, activate, expand, manifest our creativity, passion, uniqueness, gifts, Life. When we forgo our power of choice and proceed on automatic we usually focus on lack, things that go wrong, problems and disappointments, how others are not leaving up to our expectations and how unhappy we are.
It’s even worse when you consciously choose to focus on these! For guess what? You won’t have an awesome life or relationship, and certainly not happiness if you live your life with these shackles on. What we focus on persists…
Exercising intentional choice creates happiness. Doing otherwise is to crush our spirit, not honor our Soul. Here is the trick. Choose what you want. Choose how you want to feel. Choose how you want things to look like. Choose the experiences you want to have. Choose what the picture on the canvas of your life and relationship is to be. Don’t have a general or vague idea about these. Actually Choose, for then that is what Is…
Dream, choose, focus, and take massive decisive action. This is the formula to creating the life and relationship you want. You can create anything you want. When you make intentional choices, set goals, put plans and systems in place and invest in them consistently there is no way you can not create what you set out to, or something better…
This is the beauty of owning our freedom. When we exercise our freedom of choice, magnificent things happen. This is the beauty of owning our free will. When we exercise our free will we are in alignment with our Soul (Higher Power, Universe…).
This is where the magic is. Don’t be bound by limiting and narrow expectations, mindset, views, skills, scripts, legacies – take charge, clean these up and expand them. Stay open. Follow your gut (your Core Self, Authentic Self, Soul) talking to you and guiding you… Allow the magic in. Choose to have a magnificent life and relationship. And, so it is…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog!
Happy Choosing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment This weekend take inventory of areas in your life where you’ve lost your voice, or haven’t developed your voice yet… This business of not having a voice is holding you back from creating the life and relationship you desire…
Pick an area where you’ve allowed your Self to be muted and unmute yourself… Learn to mindfully share and express your voice in this area to develop it to your liking… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you noticed that when you are really close to what you want or to the next level in your life, things seem to go wrong?
You are close to having your car paid off and you total it, you are about to win a sports competition and you get injured, you are about to take the trip of a life time and you get sick, you decide you purchase a new home and have other unexpected expenses, you are about to get a promotion but loose your nanny and want to stay home with the baby.
You finally decide to scale down on the hours at the office and your assistant quits, your business is about to make it big and your partner pulls out, your body starts trimming and looking fit and you stop going to the gym and eating healthy, you get the drift.
The reason for this is that we scare ourselves off from getting what we want, moving forward with our life, achieving our dreams. We are afraid of the unknown. We know what to do and how to be in a mediocre life. We don’t know what to do and how to be in an amazing life. We believe we don’t deserve or we are not good enough for more. We believe we can’t do better. We can’t fathom a better life, never mind how to get there.
So whenever we are close to a breakthrough we unconsciously sabotage it. We induce disasters, we shoot ourselves on the foot, we invite drama and chaos, anything to distract us from getting to our intended destination.
We do the same in our relationship. Have you noticed that whenever you are getting along great, have been on the same page and feeling close, or are ready for the next level of commitment, that you have a major fight or experience a set back? It is too scary for our unconscious mind to be intimate, satisfied and happy.
It is afraid that this too shall pass like it did when we were children. It sabotages attempts at closeness and satisfaction to protect itself from additional pain and disappointment. It creates conflict, space and disconnect. Even though these states hurt, they are what we know and hence easier to endure.
Remember, our unconscious mind is time, place and people stupid. It doesn’t know you are in 2008, that your partner is your partner, and you are in your adult home. It believes your partner is your less-than-perfect-caretaker(s), back when you were young, in the home you grew up in. Imagine operating from that state and trying to create the life and relationship you want!
What a conundrum this is. We work hard at having a great life and relationship, but are operating at a less than resourceful state and do anything possible to undermine ourselves. Talk about spinning our wheels!
We can stop this ridiculous cycle and actually start creating and enjoying the life and relationship we want:
1) Soothe your unconscious mind by tending to its fear and reassuring it. Feel and name the feelings, put them in perspective, understand what triggered them and why. What do they remind you of growing up? Identify what the broken record in your head is saying and where it comes from. Soothe your self with understanding, acknowledgement and acceptance.
2) Meet your global needs by making sure you get the antidote to your hurts from childhood. Translate the feelings and story you identified above into emotional needs and diligently go about having them met. By believing in yourself, doing for yourself, pampering, nurturing, and cherishing yourself. Ask for what you need from your partner and set them up to be able to give it to you. Once you do get what you asked for – receive it, accept it, take it in!
3) Grow yourself up by becoming whole again. Become mindful of situations, events, and interactions that trigger you and your usual responses to them. Stretch yourself by activating a different more resourceful part of you to use to cope and respond. Try using more parts of you more frequently and consistently. Stretch yourself further by gifting your partner with what is usually difficult for you to give them. Integrate these into a grown up you.
Bestow your life, your relationship and your self with the care and attention of a grown up you. Don’t sabotage, support yourself instead. Watch your life and relationship flourish! Live the life you want to live!!
Happy Bestowing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Manage your internal reactivity to triggers with:
1) Exercise
2) Journaling
3) Creative Visualization
4) Meditation
5) Affirmations
6) Positive Self Talk
7) Reality Checks
8) Understanding and Acceptance
9) Appreciation
10) Letting Go and Ownership
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Every once in a while we need to acknowledge how far we’ve come in our relationship. Think back on how things were, when you were having a hard time in your relationship and had not started making a conscious and guided effort to make things better.
If your relationship is fairly new and you don’t have that much history together yet but are having a difficult time, if you just started working on making things better, or if you are new to this publication and to “consciously” working on your relationship, you might feel like there really hasn’t been that much progress yet. That’s ok – your time shall come, I promise.
But for those of you who have been putting in an “appropriate” effort – I’m sure you are seeing the results and therefore I want to congratulate you!! I want YOU to also acknowledge how your relating has improved and how things are looking up. Mind you, the relationship doesn’t have to be completely satisfying yet for you to take credit on the changes that have been made. After all, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”!
By “appropriate” effort I mean that you are able to see things from your partner’s point of view also and that you are not just entrenched in yours and how much you do, and that you are able to give your partner credit for their efforts. Remember, “It takes two to tango.”
However small are the results you’ve gotten thus far, I want you to acknowledge that there has been a change. I want you to give yourself credit for your paradigm shift – how you are using a different lens to look at your partner and your relationship. I want you to take credit for trying and for looking for resources.
Take credit for putting in more time and effort. Take credit for the baby steps taken. Take credit for noticing that, in their own way, your partner is trying.
In noticing the small changes, you are aware that movement is happening and that you are on your way to creating a satisfying relationship. This is empowering, motivating and heart lifting. This is the fuel needed to keep you going and on the right track.
So, go ahead and pat yourself on the back and do something nice for yourself to reward your efforts. A little acknowledgement goes a long way!
Happy Acknowledging!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Make a date with your partner to acknowledge and celebrate your relationship enhancement and how far you’ve come. Just have fun together!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We bring a lot more into our relationship than we are aware. We are unique human beings with a unique set of history, parenting, socialization, wounding, and experiences. As we develop and journey in our lifetime, our uniqueness plays a role in all we do including how we relate to our partner.
One of the characteristics that make us unique is our sense of our self. According to Harville Hendrix, author of “Getting The Love You Want,“ , our True Self, our original whole being we were born with, has been compromised over time just by the mere fact that we live in an imperfect world.
The caretaking and socialization we received wounded us as we were given direct or indirect messages about parts of us not being acceptable. In response to these messages we repressed those certain parts of our True Self. We repressed natural qualities, abilities, and feelings what make up our Lost Self.
We still have these qualities but they are buried and not a part of our conscious self-image. This Lost Self also includes parts of ourselves that we consciously hide because we learned they are disliked.
Because we are operating with an incomplete self, we compensate for the missing parts and protect ourselves around not getting our needs met by creating a False Self. Our False Self is comprised of qualities that are acceptable to our caretakers and society, but this is a fake and therefore continues to perpetuate the wounding because our deepest needs are still not met.
Our False Self might have some qualities that others still perceive as negative, and because we can’t just get rid of these parts because they are supposed to be protecting us, we deny them. Creating our Disowned Self. The parts in this Disowned Self are parts others recognize in us but that we deny we possess.
Out of our True Self, Lost Self, False Self and Disowned Self we are only aware of what is left of our True Self and parts of our False Self we haven’t disowned. These form our personality,how we see ourselves and would describe ourselves to others.
Our Lost and Disowned Selves are there but are not in our awareness. They start becoming apparent to us with the assistance of our partner. Their complaints, criticisms and behavior change requests are all suggestive of our other parts playing roles in our functioning and relating. Until we own these parts and integrate them into our picture of who we are, we are doomed to dissatisfaction in our lives.
The kicker is that we fell in love with our partner who is our Missing Self. They possess, among other things of course, the qualities of our Lost and Disowned Selves. This is Mother Nature’s way of making sure we become whole again.
As we can’t hide from our partner as we can from the public, we are forced to start recognizing and owning our denials. We had deemed these qualities negative, though, and so we are resistant to taking ownership of these traits in ourselves and in turn reject them in our partner as well. They become a source of conflict in our relationship.
By taking our partner’s criticisms seriously, we have access to parts or ourselves that we normally wouldn’t have. Also, the things we hate most about our partner are often true of ourselves! Thus, our relationship is a rich source of information about us, and it gives us a chance at integrating ourselves and becoming whole.
Reclaiming all of our True Self is essential to our satisfaction and genuine happiness with ourselves and our partner. Happy Reclaiming!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Compile the criticisms you’ve heard of yourself and criticisms you have of your partner and start owning the denied parts of yourself integrating them into your self-image. Formulate a new description of yourself that is reflective of your True Self.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you using the parts you love about yourself in your relationship? Do you bring the best out in each other? Do you complement and learn from each other? Are you a team working towards a common goal? Do you stimulate each other? What is the underlying theme to your interactions with your partner? Is your essence present in your relationship? Or do you hide behind funny coping? Do You get lost in the shuffle?
If you find that you are constantly struggling to get your needs met and to feel your partner, it might be that your partner is not really Seeing you. They can’t feel you. It might be that you are not really available to your partner from your core self. The person your partner fell in love with is hiding behind all the demands, criticisms, and complaints.
Your partner can no longer see the beauty, mysticism, courage, motivation, energy, drive, interest, softness, caring that made you alive and available when you first met. Your partner can only see what you now show them. How are you showing up to your relationship?
Are you constantly frazzled, stressed out, bored, down, disinterested, distant, mean, critical or judgmental? How else do you show up to your relationship that keeps you from your partner? Do you show your vulnerable side and your needs?
Let go of that defensive and offensive role and just show up for the game!When you bring your self to your relationship amazing things can happen. When you put forth You, you are inviting your partner to be available and present. It is safe for them to show up as well. We too often put up protective walls and defense mechanisms that keep us from being fully engageable and make our partners do the same.
I recently saw a couple in which one of the partners was complaining about the other’s unavailability, lack of support and under-accomplishments. The message to their partner, the husband, was you are an idiot. The husband heard this loud and clear, and was not able to see the woman he had married. In the wife’s attempts to get her needs met, she was very critical, demanding, cutting and undermining.
She could not see how her approach was not allowing her husband to be there for her the way she needed him. I said to the wife, it is very difficult for him to come massage the feet of a dragon when it is breathing fire down his neck.
In bringing our self to our relating without our armor and our biased lenses, we allow for a genuine interaction where both partners can really see and be with each other. This is at the heart of a satisfying relationship. From here partners can truly enjoy each other and have their needs met.
When you bring your essence to an interaction and stamp it with your unique signature, you are utilizing your creativity. Creativity is You showing up wherever you are and in whatever you do. Your ingenuity and vision are the driving forces in your relating make your dreams come true, create the relationship you want,use Yourself in your relationship!
Let your Essence step up to the plate and hit a home run in the game of love!!
Happy Stepping Up!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
How can you show your partner acceptance, adoration, unconditional love, trust, empathy, interest, compassion, mysteriousness, exhilaration, faith, eagerness, enthusiasm, liveliness, animation, strength, softness, nurturing. What else was there when you first met your partner that has now been dampened by routine, power struggles, and everyday minutiae?? Peel your layer of defense off and come out and play like old times!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
