How do we create a masterpiece life? How do create an awesome relationship? The answer is quite simple, we change (grow, heal, step it up a notch, etc)… How do we change? We change by taking action on new information (or old information if you sat on your a** with it thus far)… Insight, information, learning, reading do nothing for us unless we take some kind of related action, unless we implement something different.
I hear all the time, “I’ve tried it all”… No you have not! Stop deluding yourself and tricking yourself into complacency. To create your Authentic Life and Awesome relationship you have step out of your comfort zone and do what the next level requires. If you keep doing the same old, you’ll keep getting the same old. So stop it, and decide now that you are going for it. S** or get off the pot! What does this mean? How do we go for it?
Decide you are going for it
Make a commitment to not settle and stay the course (it’s easy to commit to not settling by leaving)
Learn everything you can about the next level and how to get there
Create a prescription, plan, structure, system, routine, practice, whatever out of the information
Put your implementation mechanism in place
Make sure it has a “drilling” characteristic built in (repetition is the key!!)
Trying something once is not trying something. Trying something a couple of times is not even trying. When you workout once, are you fit? When you workout a couple of times, are you fit? No. So, why when you try to connect with your partner and it goes awry you say, “I tried”? This is not good enough.
Trying a couple of times doesn’t cut it. We have to push through the disappointment, fear and hopelessness – the pain, as with exercising. We don’t stop at the sign of pain. We keep going, we push through. This is where the muscles get strong, where growth and change happens…
Your trying needs to be repeated. Do you type one word on your keyboard and decide you don’t know how to type? Do you shoot one hoop and decide your suck at basketball? Do you hit a couple of keys on the piano and decide you are not musically inclined?
No. You practice and repeat to get proficient and then amazing. You have to give it a chance for it to stick. You have to keep refining your approach. Tweak, tweak, tweak. Practice makes “perfect.” The drilling, tweaking, and practicing element of this is so huge and way underestimated.
This means you keep trying and refining your communication skills, your lovemaking, your dates planning, your repairing skills, your boundary setting, etc. The more you invest the better you get at it! Having an awesome relationship means creating an awesome relationship… It doesn’t happen by chance it requires laser focus, investing and intention.
And, we don’t keep the weight at the same weight amount, we keep increasing it for better results. The same goes for our relationship! Once the thrill of this level wears off, we are ready for the next level so we keep creating more awesomeness. If we allow ourselves to stay in the plateau and stagnate, we don’t keep the progress we made…
Part of being alive is to keep going for more. It’s part of our human condition. Don’t fight it. Honor it. Keep investing. You’ll create all you desire and more. You can’t even imagine the possibilities from the level you are at…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this article?
Happy Drilling!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What is a characteristic, quality or behavior that you want to see more in your relationship? Break it down into a small actionable step that can be repeated. For example, affection – kissing and hugging, trust and honesty – transparency and sharing, ownership – making requests for tangible behaviors that meet your needs, connection – spending quality time together.
Now, devise an implementation system that includes “drilling” – kissing every hour, getting home a certain time everyday, making a clear and mindful request daily that addresses a need, having date night every Saturday. Put this in place for a determined period of time (a week or month depending on the drill frequency) and implement no matter what. Stay tuned for the awesome impact! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m a therapist… I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a Certified Imago Therapist (additional training in doing couples work). Hence, I specialize in working with couples. I’m often asked what’s my niche, what’s my thing… I specialize in working with codependent couples (partners having poor boundaries and self ownership…).
And, I further specialize in working with couples where apathy is ramped in their relationship. Where one partner is not involved, withdrawn, removed, difficult to engage, self absorbed and such. And, where the other partner is driven insane by this (not literally of course!).
This is the pattern that is so prevalent in couples. This is the pursuer-distancer dance.
Partners in this dance have a difficult time staying connected without loosing themselves… Therefore they strive for connection, but as soon as it gets too comfy they feel threatened. To deal with their unconscious fear, they pull their shenanigans that end up creating space for psychological, existential, safety.
The problem with this pattern is that the shenanigans and the space created are damaging to the relationship, the bond, respect for each other, and the self-esteem of the partners. This might create psychological safety, but this doesn’t meet our inherent need for connection and love. This is the gun we use to shoot ourselves on the foot. This is a disaster for relationships!
This is so damaging that when too pervasive it’s difficult to comeback from.
And, unfortunately, this is when couples come in for Couples Therapy… So, I want to do you a favor, and give you specifics about this pattern so you can catch it early and do something about it early before it’s too disruptive in your relationship. These are the characteristics I have identified in the Codependent Couple™ that create this debilitating dance:
The “I Don’t Give a *S—T” Partner – Underfunctioner in relationship, Minimizer (simplifies interactions/situations), Distancer (withdraws from interactions/situations), Rigid boundaries, Lets other take control / ownership / responsibility, Passive-aggressive …
Narrow range of emotions (shutdown), Narcissistic personality characteristics, Independent, “Me” oriented, Little access to memories, Needless / “clueless”, Dismissive, Left brain dominant (linear thinker, appears controlled / posed, reticent), usually Male
The “Oh, Poor Me” Partner – Overfunctioner in relationship, Maximizer (exaggerates interactions/situations), Pursuer (“hounds” in interactions/situations), Loose boundaries, Controlling of other / takes over / overly responsible, Manipulative …
The characteristics fall on a range. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
Now, nothing is black and white and so clean cut in life. I’m sure there are characteristics in both groups that you can identify with. Please note, these do not define you! These are defense mechanisms, bad habits and lack of skills and tools… All of it can be changed!!
What I want you to do is to identify which group is more like you, most of the time, or in times of crisis, stress or transition. Once you identified your side. Your job is to become more moderate in the way you operate.
So, more specifically, your job is to pick one or two characteristics that get you the most in trouble, stuck, in your relationship and give it your all to moderate it. This is challenging as with any habit we try to change or any other self-growth or development endeavor we undertake. You’ll be out of your comfort zone for sure. But it is in this stretch that we heal, grow and evolve… And, how we create our awesome relationship to boot!
Remember to pick one or two to focus on. Don’t go overboard trying to change everything at once. You’ll only accomplish to trigger yourself and your partner (explanation beyond today’s writing), and to crash and burn! Instead, take baby steps in a massive way! To do this successfully:
Gratitude – Keep a Gratitude Practice™ where you stay in a state of appreciation through out the day (or as much as possible…). Your brain cannot physically be in a state of appreciation and fear at the same time…
Accountability – Share with others what you are trying to do and have them keep you accountable in a loving way.
Tracking – Keep a journal or other tracking of your feelings, experiences, impact, effects, results, etc.
Self-Care – Practice a lot of self-care to soothe your unconscious mind… You don’t want to undermine or sabotage your own efforts…
Reassurance – Your partner might become suspicious… Reassure them that you are investing in the relationship.
Support – Get support to help you see things differently so you can pursue operating differently, to learn the skills and tools you might need, to support your efforts, to cheerlead you, to help you tweak your investments for better results, and help you manage your Self…
Even if you are the only one changing the steps to the dance, the dance changes… As usual, focus on what you need to do to be the best you and the best partner, and you’ll soon be performing your best choreography yet! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Dancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner what they need from you this weekend. What would be a gesture, behavior, attitude, or such that would touch their heart? What is something they’ve been wanting from you that hasn’t happened yet, or could happen more? This is your chance to stretch…
For as soon as a partner is presented with such a question, you know you’ll be asked for something that is challenging for you to give… This is the beauty of our relationship. It’s a playground at the ready. Here we get to learn and practice new skills…
Go ahead, honor your commitment to yourself to heal, grow and evolve… Your partner is gifting you with the opportunity to stretch! Go about this respectfully, responsively, intentionally, and mindfully – no need to crash yourselves! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Is lack of trust undermining your connection with your partner and wrecking havoc in your relationship? Lack of trust might extend to beliefs that your partner is cheating. Or it can be as simple as not trusting your partner to be there, follow through, keep their word, be accountable, get your back, do the right thing by you, be mindful, thoughtful, and honorable.
The level of distrust has to do with our own insecurities, but also the level of our partner showing up authentically. When we both address our side of the coin this becomes a non-issue!
As usual, we start with what we contribute to the cocreation of the relationship. What we are doing, or not doing, to create the interactions that leave us dissatisfied. Are we controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in our approach to the situation, or in general in our relating, that doesn’t allow our partner to show up? Ouch!
Think about this. When we operate from this place, we are insufferable and suffocating! No wonder our partner gets shifty… Of course this is not to excuse them, but to understand and start making adjustments to get what we desire.
I see this ALL the time. When we try to get our needs met, share our preferences and make requests with this attitude and approach, we are cornering our partner. This leaves them to “yes” us, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises they can’t keep, avoid us, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.).
This does not mean we are responsible for our partner’s choices… This just sheds some light into the cocreation of our patterns…
The way to change this is very simple. I’ve seen incredible immediate changes made by partners as soon as they adjusted their approach. Not only do we need to address what we contribute to this pattern, but we also need to address what our partner contributes… And, we do this not by beating on them but by setting proper boundaries. Voila!
Therefore, the key to changing this pattern is to own our self and not own our partner, and to get what we desire from our partner through appropriate boundary setting. Remember the Ownership Guidelines™: We cannot tell another how to be, think, feel, or behave and all derivatives of this.
We can only clarify, challenge, and own our own beliefs, expectations, preferences, wishes, feelings, actions, and such. Then we can use them to inform a clean approach (non of the dirty behaviors mentioned above) in the interactions with our partner.
The initial focus needs to be on cleaning up our act. Then we can address the boundary setting. It is challenging to set proper boundaries when we are not clean… In a nutshell, boundary setting has to do with making appropriate and mindful requests to get our needs met… For example, “I would prefer that when we address a concern or have a disagreement that we don’t raise our voices. It really jars me, triggers me, making me more reactive.
I would like it if we could be mindful not to escalate. So, going forward, when things start getting too intense for me in a disagreement, I will ask to pause our discussion to get a breather. How do you prefer that I ask for that so I don’t upset you, trigger you, in turn? And, how long of a breather do you think we’d usually need? I think I’d need XX, how about you?”
After, that is agreed upon, “If I find that I’m feeling in need of a breather, I will alert youso we can regroup and stay engaged. But if after a few minutes we continue on a path too intense for me, I will ask for a breather. If my request for a breather is not honored, please know that then I will disengage from the interaction as lovingly as I can, and will come back after the XX time we agreed on.”
This approach of stating a request or preference, the purpose or reasoning, the behavior or approach modification desired, and mindful agreement can be used to set boundaries in a multitude of circumstances.
So, building trust is an inside job… Once we Clean Our Side of the Coin™, make appropriate requests, and set proper boundaries to meet our needs we are setting up our partner for cooperation. This creates a mutually respectful space where trust is a given. Give it a shot, start by owning your Self.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Trusting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Which do you do in your relationship? Are you controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in your approach to the situation, or in general in your relating, that doesn’t allow your partner to show up?
Do you “yes” your partner, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises you can’t keep, avoid your partner, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.)?
Identify which dirty behaviors you use. If not sure, take a couple of days to catch yourself in doing them or thinking them! Then, work on eradicating them from your repertoire… The faster and cleaner the job the greater the impact on your relationship and more immediate the results you’ll notice. Have fun, it’s completely empowering… Enjoy! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m familiar with relationship struggles. I’ve had my share, obviously I’m not exempt, and this is what I work with day-in and day-out. I’m pretty intimate with the nuances of what troubles partners and what gets them stuck. For reasons that are beyond the scope of this article, I love working with couples. Couples are my passion. I’m intrigued by them and care about their wellbeing.
Through witnessing so much pain and suffering, despair and hopelessness, and partners throwing their hands up in the air surrendering to what appears an insurmountable challenge, I was able to formulate a process to assist them get past this and thrive.
Time and again couples present with patterns and approach to their partner and relationship that undermine their satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing and ability to create and enjoy their awesome relationship.
The process is just amazing. Couples have created their new relationship in just a few sessions! But not all couples are the same, and I find that it’s not the number of sessions that count but the ability of the partners to embrace the process and their growth and healing journey…
The process constitutes 10 Strategies I have identified as fundamental to creating an awesome relationship. Most couples that struggle usually need assistance with the first 5 Strategies. They are the building blocks to creating awesomeness.
As we are coming off the Valentine’s Day hype and the pressure for enhanced romance, steamy passion and having a dreamy relationship, I want to reassure you that you are not alone if you are feeling a bit blue and stuck in your relationship… I’m giving you a huge virtual hug if you are in need of some loving, and a gift of the First Five Fundamental Strategies™ to help you start cranking change in your relationship!
Warning: Do not try these if you prefer to stay stuck… – Set Up Proper Boundaries and a Healthy Relationship Structure – Fully show up, own yourself and become accountable. Set proper boundaries, expectations, roles, and rules. Clean your interactions and approach to each other – respect, courtesy and mindfulness go a long way.
– Transform Relationship Patterns to Heal, Repair and Build Trust – Understand what’s driving the hot buttons in your relationship. Understand how yours and your partner’s buttons are a perfect match for keeping you stuck… Invest in not triggering your partner and in appropriately getting your needs met.
– Set Up a Strong Communication and Conflict Management System – Create and honor a Fighting Fair Code™. Set up safe conversation times to address issues, concerns or intense topics. Set each other up for cooperation. Set up transparency and accountability mechanisms.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Mindset Keeping You Stuck – Gentle your inner critic, clean your yucky thinking and take control of your mind! Move from an ego-led (fear-based) to a heart-led (love-based) approach to your relationship. Address assumptions, recurring themes and limiting scripts.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Feelings Keeping You Stuck – Feel and manage your feelings (anxiety and depression are only symptoms…). Self-regulate and self-soothe. Establish a sustainable self-care routine.
The approach to implementing the Strategies is not black and white. You can juggle a couple at the same time as the investments will tend to overlap. You can be fluid and flexible as long as you keep your eye on the ball! I would recommend picking one or two to focus on and give it your all.
The more you put in, the more you get out. Remember that insight and knowledge is not enough. You have to take action on these. Go crank and create change!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Cranking! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Decide what area of your relationship needs attention: – Establishing Boundaries, Ownership and Accountability – Changing Patterns and Getting Needs Met – Improving Communication and Conflict Resolution – Upleveling Your Relationship Mindset and Changing Debilitating Scripts – Increasing Self-Management, Regulating and Soothing (to reduce reactivity…) Pick three actions you will do this week to address your area of need… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is not uncommon for partners to feel bored, stale, empty, disconnected and cranky. When this is not attended to it festers and creates more difficulties in the relationship. Partner’s start to wonder about the solidity of the relationship, their commitment to it and how much they want to actually be with their partner.
I want to give a warning here that temporary or superficial disconnects, boredom and funk can feel like true dissatisfaction with the relationship and the partner. The whole thing doesn’t have to be chucked until real and appropriate attempts at reconnecting have been tried. Most of these relationships could have made it only if enough appropriate attention had been given to it at the right time.
I hate to see couples try too little too late. If something doesn’t feel right do something about it right away! Relationships are very delicate and can’t afford to stay in a yucky place for very long the damage might be irreversible. Getting connected and staying connected with our partner is the first step in beating the funk. The second step is keeping things interesting, alluring and fun. And, don’t forget light. Some partners are just too serious and gloomy.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in identifying that things need a bit of spiffing up. Routine, demands and the power struggle have a way of corroding the liveliness and energy out of relationships. An open and honest (this doesn’t mean brutal or mean) discussion about how the partner’s are experiencing each other and what each other’s needs are in relation to one another is one way to get rolling on this venture to charging things up again.
This discussion in and of itself, although sometimes painful, can be a reconnecting experience. The discussion should include brainstorming about ways to get and stay connected and seduced. A little willingness, openness and risking can go a long way. From this new place anything is possible. I invite you to take a chance and have trust in your ability to create what you both crave feeling loved and satisfied in your relating.
Happy Seducing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Invite your partner to create a joint fun wish list and make the commitment to do one item off the list a week (or at any other agreed upon time interval). Have fun!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
STAY CONNECTED WITH US, SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
And, Get a FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
You CAN create the relationship you desire!
You have Successfully Subscribed!
With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Pin It on Pinterest
We track visits and User's visit information to analyze our performance and trends in order to create targeted messaging and programs to best serve you. We use cookies to provide a personalized and smoother browsing experience. Refer to our Privacy Policy for additional details.
You consent to our tracking and cookies when using our Websites.OK
