I have written in the past about the importance of having fun in our relationship. Fun equals Life! There are all kinds of fun that can be had with our partner. The trick is to figure out how as couples seem to lose this knowledge as the relationship progresses…
Couples have a tendency to move from positive energy to negative energy once they become more committed in their relationship. They used to once be “in-love” and now they are in a “power struggle”. Maintaining feelings of sexiness and keeping the relationship fun is not easy when all the partners focus on is who is right and who is wrong, who did what, who does more, who sacrificed more, who gives more and so on. These are relationship killers!
So, for a moment put all that aside and remember how it was when you first met. Your togetherness might have been sprinkled with cuteness, thoughtfulness and tenderness, excitement and exploration, gifting, going out and getting dolled up, staying in and playing house, lots of fun and experimental sex, thinking of each other constantly, or wanting to be together all the time.
How did it feel? See if you can recapture the high…Sit with that feeling. Feel alive…
Now let’s bring some of that back! Regardless of how you have been feeling towards your partner recently, operate from the alive place towards them. Recapture the good feelings and then approach your partner… This might throw your partner off and they might not reciprocate. Don’t take this personally or as an excuse to give up. You are culture shocking your partner and have to give them a chance to recuperate.
They might be suspicious, they might not get it, or they might plain reject you. That’s ok. They have no clue what is happening and might not trust your motives. Give them a chance to catch up… Reassure them of your motives and invite them to play!! Your partner is craving connection and fun as much as you are. Hopefully they are aware of it and will respond to you fairly easy. If they are not – they just need a little more prodding in the right direction…
There are a lot of ways couples can recapture their sexiness and fun. Look back in your past and use what used to work! Build on this and tweak it to fit you now. Spontaneous sex does not have to be a thing for new couples. Look for opportunities to surprise your partner with a sexy invitation. Better yet, seduce them when they are least expecting it!
Remember to keep in mind what turns them on, what they like, what pleasures them and use good taste (you don’t want this to backfire!). Routine sex is not bad either… There is comfort in knowing when it is “intimacy” time. Partners look forward to it, prepare for it and are ready for it. This is an example of being on the same page!
Rekindling desire and feeling sexy can be a difficult task. This requires work when the relationship is in a slump. Workout your sexiness muscle, get the sparks going and have fun:
Have sensual secrets…
Use different positions, caresses or sexy toys
Role play or “dress up” when “making love”
Tantalize the senses with new textures and scents in your room – create a Sensual Haven
Re-explore each other’s bodies
Flirt… Tease…
Bring out the “hotty” in you – dress up for your partner
Own and flaunt your sexuality with your partner
Be in the moment with your partner
Gaze into your partner’s eyes…
Fun comes in other forms as well! Couples can not only recapture old ways of having fun, but they can expand their repertoire. As the relationship and the partners mature, so can their fun (or not!!). Fun together can be mellow or exhilarating:
Read the same book and discuss, join a book club, read to each other
Join a team, play sports together, workout together
Be playful, play pranks, tell jokes
People watch and analyze, make couples friends and double date
Go dancing, biking, rollerblading, hiking or running
Go hang-gliding, parachuting, bungee-jumping, or white-water rafting
Have a joint hobby, project or goal
Take an educational, skill or talent building class
Play board games, computer games, or pretend games!
Explore religion, meditation and prayer
As you invite and seduce your partner into different kinds of fun, the energy in your relationship shifts. You feel closer and more intimate. You can tackle whatever difficulties you may have and start making changes. You work together and are there for each other. You enjoy each other… You feel happy, satisfied, high, and alive! Welcome to your relationship!!
Happy Seducing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What is your relationship sexy and fun quotient? How can you infuse your relationship with more of these important Successful Relationship ingredients? Pick three ideas you want to implement and work them into your lifestyle. To ensure you follow through, here are some tips to promote readiness, eagerness, and enthusiasm:
Be comfortable in your body: eat nutritious foods, drink a lot of water, get your necessary sleep, take your daily multivitamins/minerals, get fit
Look the part: get clothes that fit you well and enhance your favorite body parts, groom and tidy yourself, do a little extra to feel the part (i.e., wear a new perfume/cologne, get a new hair style, get your nails done)
Relax yourself into availability: get a body treatment at a spa, take a long luxurious bath, workout, listen to jazz or classical music, meditate, listen to “Creative Visualization”, do positive affirmations, sip your favorite tea in front of a fireplace
Psych yourself up: plan, set up, day dream, visualize, make-believe, act-as-if, tease, seduce, invite…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s amazing how many partners know their partner loves them, but they still don’t feel loved… This is actually kind of an epidemic… Couples struggle because they get stuck in power struggles. They let their Ego get in the way. They approach their situation from a reactive and self-preservation place that only puts their partner in the defensive or offensive. Not allowing them to be open, responsive, or caring and able to meet their needs as desired.
This plays out on a repeating loop for partners. Where both partners are trying to be seen, heard, understood, accepted and taken cared-of but where neither is at the end of their interactions. Neither partner ends up feeling heard, understood, accepted and never mind loved.
This is the result of poor exchanges that are laden with unresolved past hurts and unclean belief systems and thought processes… The repeating loop becomes pervasive. Creating a general feeling of dissatisfaction for the partners even though they have everything it takes to have an awesome relationship!
I want you to get in touch with your Knowing that your partner Loves you. Go ahead, take a few deep breaths and get in touch with that. It shouldn’t be too difficult, like I mentioned this is usually a given for most. After, you have that easily accessible, I want you to think about a typical scenario where you end up not feeling loved… Take a moment to conjure this up.
Now, this is the tricky part… I want you to become the observer of that moment… Remove your self as the protagonist and just observe the interaction… I want you to use your Heart lens as you process what you see… Leave your Ego, logic, protection, expectations, judgment, and any scripts out of it…
Just take a look at the moment as if you were a third party looking in… Heck, let’s do a little experiment… Look at the exchange as if you were Me, Emma, looking at it (how tricky is that?!)… Sit with that…
What do you think I would see? How would I see each of you? How would I interpret, assess, translate what is happening in the moment? Would I say you are each right about? What would I point out you are each actually trying to do in your interaction…? Take a deep breath… Sit with that…
[If you are not sure about my take because you are not too familiar with my work yet, then use a best friend in my place above. Select a friend that is able to be neutral, nonjudgmental and wise…]
Now, look at it again and see if you can see that for yourself… Please put your Ego in check, and keep looking at this with your Heart. Do you see what your partner is doing, their intention? Sometimes their intention is not as honorable as I’m leading with here… Sometimes their intention is only to protect themselves… But, see if you can see that… And, stop looking at it as if your partner is trying to extinguish you…
Remember, the 80/20 rule – 80% of the interaction is about us and only 20% about our partner, and vise versa… This means, that when your partner is being their most jerky self – it’s because they are in pain or in self preservation mode… It’s not about you!
Once, you are in touch with all this, if you had a hard time keep trying ‘till you get this…, then look at the exchange again and see what you could have done differently… What would have given you different results? What would have kept your partner engaged and responsive?
How could you have gone about this differently? What would have gotten your needs met? This is your Stretch. This is your growth place. This applies to all your situations… This is how you crack your code… This is how you get to Feel the Love…
It’s time to take a risk. It’s time to be all in. It’s time to crack the code. I know you can do it. I’m with you in Spirit. Go for it. Give it a try! Feel the Love!!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Loving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Take your calendar out. Pick two hours you can devote to your partner… Use that time to plan a magnificent date with your partner… Use this time to brainstorm, do research, check out things, place orders, make reservations, choose an outfit, whatever it takes.
Go all out to show your partner you think about them, cherish them and want to show them a great time. This is your chance to use your Relationship Enrichment Skills and Resources! Be Passionate, Be Romantic, Be Loving! Have a fabulous date!! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I think romance is underrated… I hear couples express they want romance and to be romanced, but they state it with a sense of shame, wishful thinking and as an unattainable outcome. They off-handedly claim their wish in the same sentence that dismisses it with the practicality of everyday life. Yuck! Why can’t we own our desire to be seduced, swept-off our feet, pampered and nurtured, and catered to? I think this is related to our sense of deservingness…
On the surface we don’t like the attention and the fuzz. We don’t know how to be in the face of it. On a deeper level, we reject all this because it doesn’t match our subconscious beliefs about our self worth… Ouch! Well, how about we commit to upleveling these believes and choose to live life to the fullest? How about we choose to Be with our partner, and all our loved ones, fully present, available and engaged? How about we choose to Give Love, and Receive Love…? How about we go all out in showing how we care? How about we totally invest in increasing our ability to do all this!? How about we choose Life and Love? How about we make that commitment right now, and decide that going forward we are going for it!?!? Yeah, let’s go!
Ok, so how do we do this and start getting our toes wet? Very simple. I don’t want you to freak out and quit before you start! I’m here to hold your hand and help you put this in place. Ready? Here we go:
1) Decide to take a break from your Ego Self for a day… Obviously we want this to be an ongoing thing, but for this exercise and to enjoy this process, let’s do baby steps. Deal? What this means, is that for a day you will connect with a part of you that resonates with romance, fun, excitement, exhilaration and allow that part to come out and play. Invite it to take over for the day.
2) Empower your Romantic and Exciting Part to be fully in charge… For the day, make decisions, set plans, dress, eat, behave and interact with others from this part. This is soooo fun! Really embrace this and be surprised at what you’ve been hiding!
3) While your usually dormant part is activated, soothe the other parts that are more logical, reserved, timid, serious, etc… They would probably have a s*** fit! Reassure them that this is just for kicks…
4) While you are in this state, put two things on your calendar that honor and make this new persona proud… This is the mechanism built-in to ground this experience and ensure you continue to embrace your fuller Self…
5) Also, have a contingency plan, or “painful consequence”…, should you decide to let your Ego take over and abort this Mission…
Make this exercise worth your while, it can achieve multiple results: synchronicity, fun, excitement, connection, intimacy, romance, passion, nurturing, pampering, and whatever makes your heart sing! Make a commitment right now. Choose your Exciting Part’s Appearance Day and make a commitment to your self to honor your Self… Bam! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Appearing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Get grounded with deep breath, meditation, exercise or a tickle fight… Get into your body… Feel your Self. Get in touch with your awesome energy… Call to your “Exciting Part” to come out and play… Call to the part of you that defies Self-limiting believes and that is Alive…! Embrace the Part. Embrace your Self… Feel, Be this part in your mind’s eye… What does this Part want to do? How does this Part want to enjoy your Partner…? Sit with that… Take a deep breath, and take an immediate action to implement what came up! Enjoy! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
In my recent reading I have come across a piece of writing that has made me think of sexuality and physical intimacy from a different angle. I love when that happens! Give me material that sparks my creative juices and that I can integrate into my work for greater impact, and I’m a very happy camper. This is what tickles me!
Sexuality is commonly seen as physical love and a physical act with some recognition of its spiritual component. Usually we do not look at sex as a coming together of energies. But that is exactly what is happening. Our sexuality colors our energy and influences how we show up in the world. It impacts our style, what we radiate, and what we attract… It fuels our way of Being in the world, and our Aliveness.
When couples struggle with feeling attraction and having an active sex life, they are usually tired, out of sync, hang up on roles, responsibilities, and the mundane. They are stuck on looks and surface appearances. A lot of times work around physical intimacy revolves around addressing the above and getting partners out of their head… We create a lot of noise that impedes us from letting go, being vulnerable and able to connect and enjoy…
We might be able to get ourselves to enjoy a constructed mechanical moment where we might reach orgasm and feel close to our partner. But is this it? I’ve had plenty of conversations with clients around intimacy, attraction, passion, and having a real rewarding sexual relationship.
Partners not only get in their own way with the surface and practical side of their everyday life, but they are also missing the boat entirely around being sexual partners…
Yes, we use enriching sensuality through the senses as well to get things going… But this is not enough either. What is usually missing is the energetic showing up of the partners, the partners showing up with their Soul. Lovemaking is a spiritual experience… When our energies, our Souls connect, that’s where the Bam!, the OMG!, happens… This is the real definition of Intimacy.
Knowing and feeling your partner in a most vulnerable and available state… This is where the protections, defenses, walls come down and partners can Be with each other. This encounter is transcendent, pure bliss. As Dr. Judith Orloff writes, “Passion of the body is ignited by the passion of Heaven”…
I encounter all the time in my work with couples, how partners are not feeling sexual because of whatever their partner is or isn’t, is doing or isn’t doing… Can you imaging putting somebody else in charge of your sexuality, of your sex life? Yet, this is what we do. We do not need another person, a partner to be or feel sexual… This notion is extremely disempowering… We can be sexual beings and come to the party ready to party…
Get in touch with your own unique allure… Get in touch with and connect with your energy. Detach and observe your Self. Witness your Self. Feel your Self. Feel your energy. Feel your Soul. Embrace all of you. Accept all of you past the Surface and looks… Own and nourish your physicality (nutrition, hydration, rest, exercise and pampering) keeping yourself healthy and energized. Nourishment feeds passion…
Sexuality is a holy force of healing of mind, body and spirit… Embrace more fully this part of being human and integrate it with gusto into your life, and into your relationship! Feel sexual, be sexual, be passionate! Share your Passion with your Partner!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Sharing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment –
Has your sex life been on pause? Do you feel stuck sexually with your partner? Do you find having sexual relations to be a chore? Do you find that when you finally sync-up to be physically intimate that it is not all that? Take a moment to ponder these questions.
Sit in quiet and turn inward. Take a deep breath… Once grounded, ask your most vulnerable part of yourself, what is holding you back from an exciting, passionate, truly intimate, and unifying sexual relationship with your partner. Don’t judge the answer. This is a gift… This is your healing and growth place…
Translate your answer into an action you can take immediately to start addressing your healing and growth…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Ok, so you’ve been together for a long time, or maybe not so long, and are feeling time just passing you by and your relationship not moving or progressing with it.
You find that you still have a lot of the same issues, unresolved concerns, repeating arguments, don’t feel connected, are living parallel lives, can’t seem to have fun together or enjoy each other’s company, are bored, and feel empty. You are just going through the motions and question your commitment to your relationship and your partner.
Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario. Couples get sucked in and chewed up in the power struggle and seem to be unable to get out of it. They go around and around in their cycle for what could be ever if nothing is done about it. Relationships don’t just get better or become enjoyable again on their own. The partners need to do something different to make this happen.
I know this is easier said than done when you are stuck in the cycle and your behavior and reactions appear to be on autopilot! This is the more reason to make a conscious effort to address your situation.
The hint to getting unstuck is to take a step back and do a perspective change. Look at your situation from your partner’s perspective: put yourself in their shoes with their mindset. How are they looking at the situation? How do their history, wounds, personality, wishes, expectations, etc. influence their view? From this place, what do they want and need? How do they see you? How are they experiencing you?
You might not like what you see. Our behavior, reactions and expectations make perfect sense from our perspective, but when looked at from another angle they are flawed, or better said, they don’t flow or make sense from that point of view. Not for nothing you and your partner are not seeing eye-to-eye and are disconnected.
When you look at your interactions from both your perspectives and the chasm between you is apparent but the views clearer, you have a chance to start closing the rift.
The usual inherent difficulty here is that it is very difficult to see our situation from our partner’s perspective and a tough pill to swallow at that. But once this is achieved, following the simple guidelines above, the reconnecting, and healing, can begin.
The first and most important part of this is to actually tell your partner how you see the situation from their perspective. You are hence validating their experience and bringing them back to life. They are no longer absent, invisible, detached, gone. You don’t have to agree with how they see things, but the mere fact that you are able to see how they see things allows them to come back into existence. They have a voice.
This is necessary to even the playing field and to be able to have a conversation. A partner without a voice can’t conversate and be present in a relationship.
Resurrecting your partner gives you a chance to give life to the relationship you want. With a live partner you can create a joint perspective from which change can flow. This perspective is created by mutually and consistently sharing each of your perspectives while validating the other.
From this place it is a lot easier to meat each other’s needs. It is a lot easier to tailor our behavior or reaction when we know how it hurts our partner than when we are feeling attacked, criticized, taken for granted and ignored!
Go ahead – give it a try. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and start dancing to a new tune!!
Happy Dancing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Next time you feel getting sucked into your usual arguing listen for your partner’s hurts and disappointments hear their perspective. Put your reactions on hold and don’t listen for how this affects you, how you are hurt, what you need, etc. Put your stuff on HOLD!
Just listen to your partner and tell them what you are hearing them say (without making assumptions, interpretations or mind reading) and tell them how you understand their perspective and how they could be feeling as they do as a result (you don’t have to agree with it or see it the same way).
Now ask your partner what behavior change you can make to fix their complaint. Here you might need to coach them a bit on giving you very specific behavior change requests. For example, just be nicer to me, is too general, but, when I come home give me a kiss hello, and when I got to bed a goodnight kiss, is a lot more doable.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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