That’s right. It is not easy to Receive. Some of you might question this statement and might be thinking: “Hey, bring on that diamond necklace or that new set of golf clubs!” – but just sit with it and see how it does make sense… As always, as presented by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in Receiving Love, it all goes back to back then…
Once upon a time, we were born whole human beings, but because of our caregivers’ imperfect parenting, disapproval and messages that it is not OK to be needy (because they couldn’t possibly meet all of our needs!), we learned not to use and show certain parts of ourselves including our needs.
We learned self-rejection early on. We started then identifying what gets approval and support and what doesn’t, and the parts of us that didn’t meet the criteria got scrapped (lost to the unconscious). This is bad news because we chopped our self up and are now functioning with a partial conscious self, a self that is limited and also denies its needs.
We are going through life with a limited source of skills, resources, characteristics, and emotional and behavioral options. As a result we created defenses to assist us cope with life.
These are reactive and dysfunctional (self-indulgent or denying in nature) and include things like becoming disconnected, controlling and micromanaging, guarded, self-absorbed, addicted, symbiotic, and/or abusive. These defenses indicate self-rejection. They show how we do not own parts of ourselves and how we need to compensate.
Part of this survival mechanism, is that unconsciously we strive to become whole and the safest way we know how is to project our scrapped parts onto our partner. Therefore, in relationship we feel whole. But, when we see these parts in our partner, we reject them there as well – it is too painful to become aware of our missing parts.
We reject not only those parts but anything positive, accepting and loving coming our way. We can not accept gifts because they do not fit the picture we have created of our Self. We made ourselves be less-than and non-deserving! We made us have no needs, so we don’t need…
The degree of self-rejection is the degree to which we can not Receive. Not Receiving from our partner comes in different forms such as:
Deflecting anything positive
Refusing gifts or help, and being dissatisfied or finding fault with what is given
Not listening
Criticizing, dismissing, discounting and devaluing
Depriving yourself and your partner of things that make life joyful such as sex, creativity, laughter, and fun
Hearing criticism and not praise, or hearing praise as criticism
There are many gifts floating Between you waiting to be accepted and Received. Don’t make your Relationship the “island of misfit gifts“!
Happy Receiving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Here is your RX for daily wellbeing, peace and happiness: Appreciation Dose 3x / Day. Identify what characteristics in your partner irk you the most. Ask yourself how you are like the traits you dislike in your partner… How can you start to reclaim this lost / rejected part of your Self? How can you start to constructively integrate this part back into your life?
Copyright (c) 2007-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The Holidays do all kinds of things to people. They provide a year-in-review, showcase our progress and success, spotlight our communion and belongingness, highlight our relationship dynamics, and nudge our very Soul for wakefulness. Add to this all the demands, expectations and hassle and bustle, and it is no wonder that the Holidays are rough for some.
The Holidays create stress, anxiety, depression, paralysis, withdrawal, mania, shame, overindulgence, overwhelm, crashing, loneliness, and other goodies. How do the Holidays affect you? If you generally fair well, still take note however minor the impact.
The Holidays can be treated as an opportunity for growth and healing… This is definitely fertile ground to work with! Why not take advantage of the opportunity available for the taking? When anything is framed as opportunity, its energy, meaning, impact and potential change. Now the situation is a gift and not a nuisance.
There is positivity built-in the reframe bearing optimism, strength, courage, hope, compassion, love, understanding, ownership, authenticity and awesomeness… Let’s shoot for getting more than just presents this Holiday Season!
Let’s go back to how the Holidays highlight our relationship dynamics. Whatever our dynamics they get amplified during this time. It’s as if our dynamics are on steroids. What you see, witness, experience is your usual dynamics to a heightened level.
This gives you an opportunity to better understand what usually bothers you and what doesn’t work that might have been difficult to pinpoint before. Before we knew interactions annoyed or hurt us. We knew are needs were not met. We complained, fought or sucked it up in hopelessness.
But now we have the chance at a magnified experience where we can see the crack. We have the chance to look at the crack up close and personal, and study it. We get the chance to see how it needs mending. The trick is to know what to look for: The theme, the broken record, and your script. What keeps replaying?
What is the lesson you are to learn? What is the code you need to crack? How are you to stretch to grow and heal, to break the impasse? This is the driver behind the dissatisfaction. Your call to action is to do something different for that in and of itself is Change…
It’s time to shake things up. It’s time to take a risk.It’s time to have better expectations. It’s time to raise the bar. It’s time to honor your Self, to Be your Authentic Self, and to bring it to your interactions. It’s time to be courageous and not be afraid of what could be. It’s time to go for it. It’s time for the next book in the series.
What does this look like? How do you go about it? It’s actually quite marvelous and simple. All you have to do is have a different response than your usual in your interaction. And, to do this for your Self without any outcome, expectation or intention of changing your partner in mind… So if you usually complain, call things out, whine or other some such in your interactions, your different response could be not say anything or to focus on the positive.
If your usual way is to suck it up, keep the peace, avoid conflict, and cave in, then your difference response could be standing up for your Self, speaking up, sharing what you are experiencing, or setting a limit or consequence.
The point here is not to go about changing your whole relationship, getting better results, inviting your partner to respond differently, and the rest of our usual intentions. This one is the mother load. This one goes for the jugular. This approach is for Us. Can you imagine? For Us… It is to build the muscle that has been dormant and which upon awakening saves the day…
Give it a try. Be gentle. Be courageous. Bring out the part of your Self that has been screaming to come out. Make space for it. Create safety for it. Nurture it. And take a leap of Faith, use it in your interactions. Go for it. Give it a try. The pay off is unimaginable…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Awakening!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a look at the weeks ahead. What significant events or plans are coming up? How will you be celebrating? What traditions will you follow? What rituals will you enjoy? Sit with the plans and the answers above… Hold them in your heart. Suspend judgment.
Are your plans in alignment with your core beliefs? Does your celebrating honor your Authentic Self? Do your traditions transmit your values? Do your rituals strengthen your identity, sense of Self, connections and bonds. Do they impart love, acceptance and adoration? Do they embrace our Human Experience…?
Connect with what comes up for you as you explore this. Where do you need to show up differently? What concrete change will you make for your next event or plans? Put it in action now… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Brain science is a fabulous field – it provides answers to some of life mysteries! There are so many new advances and discoveries being made that we are beginning to get a better understanding of what we are capable and of our potential as cognizant beings.
My readings and research consistently reinforce my belief that we are truly amazing creatures with tremendous power over our own lives and world. We actually have the ability to change our own brain and with it how we experience and create our world and relationships!! I find this to be extraordinary and miraculous.
I learned new brain facts and brilliant insights from the book What Happy People Knowby Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth that have inspired new interventions and ideas in my work. What I took from the presentation is that we all have a neurological fear system as part of our old brain make up that once helped us survive as a species but that now hinders our lives.
This is a very fast automatic brain system that gets activated to freeze, fight or flight in the face of a real or perceived threat, and ensured our survival. Being hardwired this way is not very helpful in modern day society, but thankfully the brain evolved and developed mechanisms that can compensate and override this limitation.
The new brain has intellectual, creative, intuitive and spiritual capabilities that empower and assist us in our human journey. Their contributions culminate in the perfect antidote for fear: Appreciation.
Appreciation is the highest, purest form of love. It transcends everyday life and promotes a state of grace. During active appreciation, the brain can not experience fear. The part of the brain that gets activated in the face of threat and creates a state of fear can not be activated simultaneously as the part of the brain that generates appreciation.
The brain can not neurologically be in a state of fear and a state of appreciation at the same time. Furthermore, an appreciation experience has a lingering effect of several hours. This is fabulous news!
When we become mindful of what we appreciate, appreciate something, think appreciatively or do an appreciation, we activate the appreciation center in our brain and therefore can not be in a fear state.
Not shutting down and becoming reactive with fear allow us access to our wholeness, authentic selves, talents, passion, uniqueness and gifts. We can be present, engaged and connected in our life and with our loved ones experiencing our life to its fullest potential.
We can never be short of things to be grateful for. Just look around. Everything around us is a gift. We just need to train our eye to see the beauty there. Appreciation can be easily summoned in the relationship with our partner. There is plenty we love about our partner and that our partner does for us.
Sometimes we might become a little shaded or blind to these because of current situations or events in our life and relationship, but nonetheless, the qualities and gifts are there.
Think about what you appreciate about your partner, their looks, personality characteristics, gifts, talents, gestures, and uniqueness. What do you appreciate your partner does for you? What are you grateful for that your partner brings to your relationship?
What do you appreciate your partner gives and contributes to the world? Think about how you are grateful for your partner. Your partner is a gift to you. Be thankful for having them in your life. Thank your partner for being in your life and sharing their journey with you!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Here is your RX for daily wellbeing, peace and happiness: Appreciation Dose 3x / Day.
Copyright (c) 2007-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It saddens me to witness people’s struggles, to watch them get in their own way, to drown in a glass of water, to miss the bigger picture. Maybe this is compassion for my Self as I can certainly be in that place… This is one of the lessons I’m still learning.
This is part of my Journey. In its course I grow, heal, learn and further embrace my Calling… It is amazing to step back and take in the machinations, the alignments, and the perfection in how everything plays out, always for a reason… It all adds up…
At the end of the day, this brings me back to the sadness, compassion, for others for at least I can see the hidden gift, the blessing, and the opportunity. I draw strength and inspiration from this. This is what makes me a gifted healer and a leader in healing.
This is part of my Purpose… But for those who are not yet privy to this, all the tumultuousness of life is just pain. I can’t imagine not having the higher perspective. My heart truly goes out to those who struggle.
Having a higher perspective doesn’t exempt us from the happenings of life, and it is not always easy to hang on to it. But being able to see things from a different angle than merely seeing them as things happening to us makes a heck of a difference. This is where our human experience manifests.
Seeing the good in everything around us, even the so called “bad”, is where the opportunities abound, the promises lie, the gifts reside, the blessings are bestowed, the magic happens. This is where the beauty of the mystery of life can be found, if we can only but awaken…
Of course this applies to our relationship. Everything that happens in our relationship happens for a reason. The state of our relationship and everything that we get from our partner we have invited, we’ve co-created. Everything that goes on is a blessing, though sometimes a blessing in disguise.
When things are not to our liking or when we are in pain it is a sign that something different is needed. It is an opportunity to become intentional about our approach and our Being.
It is a call to realign, to stretch, to grow, to become whole and more empowered by adjusting our attitude, thoughts and behaviors. It is an opportunity to let go of Ego and defenses and to more fully embrace our Authentic Self. Thus creating the Awesomeness we wish and deserve.
This is why our Partner is a Gift to us. They provide the fertile playground where we get to play, stretch, develop, grow, heal, create and role model… Our interactions are blessings. They are all opportunities for us to embrace our human experience, and for us to be our Best Self.
In Relationship we have the opportunity to reach, embrace and engage our Authentic Self. Our directive is to look at everything through this lens and see where we need to stretch, grow and learn. It is ALL for us.
Everything happens for a reason. There are opportunities and blessings at every turn. Our job is to recognize them, to awaken to this Mystery and use it in our Journey. When we wake up and open our eyes, when we don the blessings lens on, and when we translate misfortune or aggravations into opportunities we recognize how Graceful and truly Bountiful life is. Go ahead, open your eyes, and be Thankful for all the Blessings in disguise.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Thanks Giving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take the high road. Step away from your (overt or covert…) steadfast position on an impasse with your partner. Put on Your Enlightenment Lenses™. If you were to look at your situation from a transcended perspective, what would you see? How would you say the situation is prodding you to change? What are you being taught? What are you supposed to learn? How are you supposed to grow?
How is this inviting you to become your Best Self? How are you to stretch to get there? Sit with what comes up. Hold off resentment and other Ego driven feelings and thoughts. Hang in there. Weather the uncomfortableness… Hang with the new perspective. Take a moment to design two concrete behaviors that you will implement consistently to honor this call and step into your new reality… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Appreciation, acknowledgement and understanding are key ingredients in couple relationships. Partners feel important, content and loved when they know their partner practice these and are truly dissatisfied, unfulfilled and unhappy when they don’t. The reason is that these characteristics aid couples in feeling connected. Their absence leaves couples fumbling to get their needs met and to “feel” their partner and the relationship.
The lack of these qualities is so prevalent and common that it’s a wonder we even have couples inhabiting the earth. Knowing how to give appreciation, acknowledgement and understanding is a daunting and challenging task as most of us were never really taught how to do this, but it’s never too late to learn and start practicing them.
I have seen what fabulous transformations in relating learning these can achieve. Couples come in to see me not really liking each other, not getting their needs met, being completely dissatisfied in their relationship, and on the verge of breaking up and once they learn these “skills” they metamorphose. They achieve a higher level of love and intimacy than they have ever experienced.
I want this for you, and all couples for that matter…, but let’s start with you. J I want you moving beyond the nastiness, dissatisfaction or plain old mere getting by in your relationship. I want you to have a live relationship that fulfills you and is rewarding.
One that meets your needs, is passionate and fun. I want your relationship to heal you and complete you. I want you to have a conscious relationship. You can achieve this by starting with observing our upcoming Holiday. Thanksgiving.
I want Thanksgiving to have an additional meaning for you: being thankful for your partner. I want you to celebrate your partner and show them appreciation for being in your life. Your partner is the missing link… They have the potential to heal and complete you.
Your partner was perfectly matched to you as your unconscious picked them just for this reason. In their opposite characteristics and coping, and similar characteristics to your caretakers growing up, they have the ability to recreate old wounds for healing and teaching you to reclaim your lost parts.
Getting answers and help you heal and become whole – now these are things to be grateful and thankful for, and your partner is the embodiment of them!! Be thankful for your partner!!
You can thank them with the gift of appreciation, acknowledgement and understanding starting on Thanksgiving, or earlier – why not?, and gifting them consistently in your everyday interactions and situations.
When you take a step back from your relationship and view your partner as a gift and when you gift them back with appreciation, acknowledgement and understanding, you’ll start seeing changes in your relationship that will suit you just fine…
Happy Being Thankful!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Appreciation, acknowledgement and understanding are shown when we put ourselves in our partner’s shoes and look at our context, situation and relationship from their perspective and see their efforts, sacrifices, gifts, views, concerns and needs from where they stand.
Armed with this insight it is a lot easier to meet your partner where they are and show them you get them. Also, from this place it is a lot easier to meet their needs – there is no guessing or trial-and-error necessary. Make a date with your partner and share with them your insights and new level of “getting it.”
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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