Partners expecting too much or too little from each other is a sign of a dynamic in disarray. When partners have expectations that are beyond what their partner is capable or willing to do, it is usually because they think they know best.
They think they know what their partner should be about. They know what their partner should do, how they should feel, how they should respond, how they should think, and everything in between. They are usually projecting their own wishes, needs, likes and such onto their partner. They expect their partner to be the way they themselves would be.
On the other hand, other partners have expectations that are too low actually insulting their partner’s intelligence.
They enable their partner to underfunction, neglect and take advantage of them. They allow their partner to get away with collaborating, participating and contributing as little as possible. They make their partner invisible. They do it all, not allowing space for the partner to show up and partake.
These two styles are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and are certainly not one-sided.
Usually both partners are doing some combination of these. Interactions and relating then flow from these extreme types of expectations and worldviews creating stuck dynamics.
What happens in the extremes is the partners owning each other and creating a codependent relationship.
These partners feel stuck in their relationship and their life. Imagine each partner pulling the end of a rope with equal strength. Neither gains an inch, neither can move – stalemate…
When we own each other we give up our self-agency and take our partner’s rendering both of us powerless.
Neither can exact any movement, the interactions are either volatile or flat, and definitely not going anywhere…
To start chipping away at this death sentence, start by owning your Self: Clearly, appropriately and moderately express your thoughts, feelings, wishes and needs.
Share from and about yourself and not about how much your partner stinks. This should start doing the trick! Happy Owning!! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about an issue that is bothering you. Discuss it from your perspective, describe the behavior that is bothering you, and state how it makes you feel, how you are affected by it, and how you are impacted. Place your concern in contex:
Why is the above so for you? How does this perpetuate your story? Ask your partner for their help in doing something different to change the pattern and create a new story. Jointly brainstorm for behavior changes that would address the frustration and choose to implement what would fit your needs.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Having fun in our relationship is paramount to its survival. Relationships are challenging. We have to integrate two completely different lives, usually with different gender, brains and biology, upbringing, histories, ethnicity, religion, worldviews, expectations, and many others, to create a joint life.
There is so much room for disagreements, confusion, and impasses contributing to the already stuck dynamics and power struggle created by unconscious mechanisms… Fun is an easy way to build in reserves necessary to persevere through the challenges. The problem is that couples “forget” along the way to have fun…
Additionally, partners have different definitions of fun, what fun is, how to go about having fun, finding similar interest and mutually enjoyed ventures. And, to top this off, partners get into domestic routines and roles that prevent them from spontaneity, exploring, wooing and surprising each other, and from Being their Authentic individual Selves. All this is a formula for disaster…
Here are several ways to add, keep, or bring back Fun into your relationship:Basics – There has to be an underlying thread of lightheartedness, sharing inside jokes, playfulness, teasing, flirting and such built into your daily interactions.
Celebrations – Anything and everything is worth acknowledging and celebrating with special focus on birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments and holidays. Expand your repertoire of what and how you celebrate. Create inspiring traditions and rituals.
Vacations and Time Off – Use this time to learn the world and cultures, have stimulating experiences, pamper your Selves, and enjoy each other outside the restrictions of daily routines and responsibilities.
Dating – Build in a Dating mechanism. Put a system in place to be tweaked as necessary but otherwise automated so you can’t “forget” to keep dating each other… Hold on to your feminine and masculine energies during this time. This is what keeps the chemistry and attraction alive… Get creative and invest in having great experiences. Be with each other. Share your internal worlds when on your dates. This builds intimacy and bonding.
Adventure – Expand your range of experiences. Stimulate your senses. Get your adrenaline pumping. Do something unusual. Feel Alive together. Create memories and stories.
Journey Building – Invest in self-growth and improvement, relationship enrichment, and other learning. Take on meaningful ventures, projects, or undertakings that impact your quality of life and create opportunities for commonality, relatedness and togetherness. Capitalize on your complementary strengths. Focus on what works and appreciate each other’s contributions. Enjoy your process.
Community and Philanthropy – Socialize with other couples. Do community projects. Be of service to the less fortunate. Take on or participate in a cause. Bring your Purposes to life; implement your Missions. Inspire each other. Support each other. Be your partner’s sounding board. Have fun brainstorming and implement.
When you systematize and automate having fun, to ensure you don’t “forget” to have fun in your relationship, you are implementing a fail-safe plan. This is your Relationship Insurance Policy. You are investing in its sustenance. This fuels the relationship through its ups-and-downs, times of transitions and when life deals you a rough hand.
If you have been struggling having fun together, make sure you immediately address this from a different angle to get a different result. You have to have Fun. You need to have this built-in to feed your goodwill and awesomeness reserve for times of famine! Get moving and have some fun!!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Feeding!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to think about the level of Fun in your relationship. Review the Fun Categories below and assess how much fun you have in each…
Daily Interactions Celebrations Vacations and Time Off Dating Adventure Journey Building Community and Philanthropy What category is calling you for more attention?
Discuss with your Partner how you can spice up this area. Create a plan for integrating this into your life where you are automatically pulled into the Fun (i.e., block time off and vacations, set reminders to send your partner a joke everyday, make one weekend day a Date Day, pick one day per month to do something outside-the-box, etc).
Add this to your Tool Kit…
~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end!
Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!
Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship™ Family!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When we are really frustrated at our partner and become crazy in our interaction with them, in real life or in our mind…, we lose sight of our Self, our partner and our relationship. We instead get mired in a sea of reactivity, and therefore pain.
We are not doing anyone any good by getting to this state. This state, thoughts and feelings, is just a reactive experience of a specific set of neurons firing in our brain. This is not who we are. This is not who are partner is. This is not our relationship. This is just some in the moment chemistry.
We usually base our whole experience on what we think and feel – yet these thoughts and feelings do not define us. When we are finally able to grasp this concept and apply it to our Being, we are able to experience more peace and love. For in recognizing that our brain has triggered a sequence that is reactive, and not defining or definitive, we become observers of our process.
In so doing, we achieve a reflective distance (detachment) that allows us to become responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This is an empowered, responsive state. From this state, we can choose how to Be.
When this is done consistently, we actually rewire our brain, self soothe (regulate), and heal. We integrate our faculties and become higher functioning and more empathic. We experience less symptoms and dissatisfaction, and are able to better and more deeply connect with the world around us.
Imagine that every time you get aggravated with your partner, you are able to move into a reflective distance and recognize your reactivity. Imagine, you then see your process and understand how you were triggered. This understanding allows you to approach the situation from a different angle, to respond, and work with what is in front of you.
You are able to invite cooperation from your partner, get your needs met, and get a favorable outcome for both of you. You can cocreate a wonderful peaceful and loving relationship. Give it a try, reflectively distance from your partner. Happy Reflecting!! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about one of their actions that triggered you. Discuss it from a reflective distance and responsive state. Share where their actions took you, the pain involved, and your related needs around the pain. Invite your partner to do the same.
Copyright (c) 2010-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Even the most healthy, satisfying and rewarding relationship has stuff that gets on our nerves. As nobody is perfect, the way we are in relationship with our partner and what we put in our in-between (the space between the two partners that represents the relationship) is also less than perfect. This imperfection causes us frustration, angst, disillusionment, and pain.
Our relating and our in-between is made up of behaviors, attitudes, values, habits, perspectives, wishes, expectations, etc.
The more our behaviors are less than nurturing and supportive, our attitudes are negative, our values are misaligned, our habits are unhealthy and unproductive, are perspectives negate one another’s, our wishes clash, and our expectations are intrusive, the more challenging the interactions, more vulnerable the relationship, and more tenuous our connection and satisfaction with our partner.
It is imperative that we are mindful of what we bring to our interaction with our partner and what we put in our in-between!
Even though we are not perfect, we can endeavor to become and bring to our relationship a better us. It is our responsibility to look good for our partner, be nurturing and giving, put our best self forward, keep our side of the street clean, own ourselves, share, process and negotiate perspectives, wishes, and expectations, invite our partner to create a joint vision and manifest our dreams.
Partners have a tendency to worry about what and how much the other brings to the relationship. They are other focused and try to create a satisfying relationship by telling the other how to be and what to do. They then find their partner either becoming a hail-storm or a tortoise (hiding in their shell).
They try to manage this by doing more of the same – controlling and manipulating their partner! Stop telling your partner how to be and what to do and start minding how you are being and what you are doing – you only have control over you.
Take a peek at how you relate and what you put in your in-between and identify the stuff that is detrimental to you, your partner, your interactions and your connection. Anything you do or bring to an interaction and your in-between that raptures your connection has to go. It is time to spring clean your relationship!
Happy Spring Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner for three things about how you are in the relationship that they don’t particularly appreciate or that is painful to them. Choose one and toss it (or change it)!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are extremely powerful creatures created in God’s semblance. As we are all universally interconnected as energy and matter in the physical universe, we are omnipresent (present everywhere), omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and we are Love itself. Now that is powerful.
Grasping this concept has huge implications for our relationship. This means that we are not separate from our partner. This means our partner can’t leave us (pursuer’s fear) or swallow us up (distancer’s fear) because we are connected – we are One.
This means that if we own are magnificence, that if we transcend the illusion, compulsion, egotism of being separate, that we can finally tap into our wholeness, into all of our power, into Love itself. What a glorious way to be!
Your negative thoughts of your partner affect your partner and bring your partner down, as they do you because you are One. Your neglect of your self hurts your partner. Your abuse of yourself abuses your partner. Your not using your full self in your life holds both of you back. Your not showing up to an interaction with your partner means you are not showing up to your self.
When you feel agitated, panicky, anxious, raging, depressed, sad, powerless – your partner feels it. When you are scary in your mind but try to be nice to your partner – you still frighten your partner. When you can’t soothe or contain yourself – you are spilling onto your partner even if they are across the globe.
When you are acting out and are reactive – you hurt both of you. When you shut down to your partner you also shutdown to your self. When you numb your feelings, your partner can’t feel you. And, vice versa. You can create a pretty nasty cycle with these.
Therefore, you are going to stop thinking separate. You are going to be ongoingly mindful of your Oneness and take care of it. You are going to stop thinking ill of your partner and yourself and beating your selves up.
You are going to contain and soothe your self, and care for and nurture your self and your partner. You are going to start doing this today – your relationship, your lives, and the universe depend on it! Embrace your full glory – transcend to Oneness! Happy Transcending!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Focus on the qualities and attributes you enjoy about your partner. Notice your partner’s attempts at giving, nurturing and connecting. Appreciate your partner’s efforts. Notice your partner’s pain. Empathize. Practice understanding and compassion towards your partner. It goes a long way…
Copyright (c) 2009-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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