Are your tools working for you?

by Emma Viglucci

How do you deal with disruptions? Do they mess you up?

Do you fall in the super organized and plan everything camp? Or, do you fall in the unstructured, take-it-as-it-comes, winging-it camp? As you might have already guessed, I fall more in the super organized and plan everything camp. And, I evangelize this approach in an effort to teach creating life (relationship) by design. I’m a strong proponent of creating systems and structures to support us in everything we do to propel us forward.

Of course there are pros and cons to most things in life. Our job is to decide what works best for us, and to make it work as best as possible.

If we are too organized and structured, a disruption might throw us off. On the other hand, when we plan ahead and have systems in place, disruptions can be handled with grace.

If we are easy going and take life in stride, a disruption can be handled the same. On the other hand, if not anticipated and no plans are in place, disruptions can put us over the edge and create crisis.

This concept applies to relating with our partner as well. I’ve seen clients who wing-it in their relationship and clients who over plan and control everything. In my opinion, both leave a lot to desire and neither is conducive to creating the relationship we want.

When we wing-it, we are not creating a relationship by design. We are going through the motions, reacting, possibly creating drama, and not meeting our partner’s and our own needs…

When we over plan, structure, force, script, and such we miss the boat on Being in our relationship. We instead are doing our relationship but there is no gusto in it. We can’t feel our partner, our needs are not met, we don’t have fun, and the relationship actually feels like work.

I teach living by design and creating systems and structures to support the life-relationship we want. But, then some take this too far and the initial intention gets lost in the process.

What’s the point of forcing dinners, dates, vacations, trips, couple time, etc.? What’s the point of scheduling all this, plus everything else, and then being stressed to make it happen? Same thing goes for communication tools and skills. And, for sexy-time. And, for self-care practices. And, other things that supposed to be good.

We can take a good thing too far. If we feel pressure and stress to keep up with any of these things, then we are over doing it. The good thing is no longer a good thing… When we get here, we have to catch ourselves to make sure we don’t miss the forest for the tree. Systems and structures are supposed to work for us not the other way around!

I have been finding myself teaching this part of the concept more and more recently. That of using our tools and skills well, but not to run them into the ground. They can carry us only so far before they actually become a hindrance. Once it goes this way, it’s time to pat ourselves on the back for having come this far and for learning so much. Then, it’s time to do things differently to get to the next level…

The next level is Mastery. This is where you artfully use your tools, skills, and knowledge, but not with the flavor of doing but with the flavor of Being. This is where showing up with your Being makes all the difference. This is where using all those resources laced with intuition, compassion, and love have the impact they are supposed to. Tools for the sake of tools are a waste. YOU still need to drive them for them to make a difference.

So, take a look at your routines, systems, schedules, TimeMap, and anything else related to how you organize and design your life-relationship. Note if you are too loose or too uptight about how you run your stuff. You might have a combo of both. Decide where more structure is needed and where less will serve you, and your loved ones, best. Take step towards adjusting any imbalance.

Intentionally deciding how you want this to be in your life is the most important piece. Owning how you run your life is what creates the life you want.

Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…

Share your experience by leaving a comment below! 

Happy Creating!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Design what you want your life to look like daily and weekly. Use a TimeMap approach to capture your vision. Chunk up and assign your time to life categories that are important to you. Each category-time-chunk is then the designated time to do related tasks, activities, plans and such.

This way you can balance how you prioritize things in your life, focus on what is important to you covering all your bases without stressing yourself out. Don’t overthink it, keep it simple and have fun with this!

Add this to your Tool Kit…

   Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.