Well? Did you give the Love Launch™ a try last weekend? How did it go? Remember, if you are struggling you are not alone… This is a real rough time of year… Please hang in there. Don’t make any rash decisions, and keep cultivating love in your relationship… What you sow will soon enough bloom…
And if you are not struggling, this Love Launch™ is just great for adding more fun, romance, connection, intimacy and flow into your relationship…
Either way, this is a golden opportunity to nurture your relationship!
Love Launch™
During the 4 Weekends leading to Valentine’s Day (or another occasion, or just because!), you are to make a real concerted investment at nurturing your relationship. Do it with gusto and to please your partner. Put on the “dating lens” – remember you’d do anything for your partner then…? Go all out to make an impression. And, you enjoy the process as you go…
COUNTDOWN – Weekend #3
Invite your partner to “couple time” (of give or take 60 minutes), at a mutually agreeable time, with no distractions, and light refreshment, to:
Reminisce about how you met or the early days
Share characteristics about your partner that you love
Share things you really enjoy your partner does
Share things you’ve enjoyed doing together over the course of your relationship
Share an untold fantasy
Share a desire
Share something new about yourself
Share a dream
Share your definition of romance
Share your ideal date
Create safety for openness and to allow closeness. Remember to listen to your partner’s side without judgment or criticism. Be open to receiving your partner and getting a glimpse of their inner world. It is a privilege to be let it. Treat it as such…
Don’t take it personally, be offended or get upset if you have different ideas on the above. Most likely you will, so be prepared for that.
This exercise is to build acceptance, knowing and cohesiveness. This is an opportunity to respect the differences, enjoy the similarities and build a bridge between your worlds. Welcome the adventure of playing in two worlds!
Stay tuned for next week’s issue on Weekend #2 of our Love Launch™!
Complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Happy Talking!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Add a little kick to this weekend’s Love Launch™ by having props to go with your talk!
Photos from around the time you met or your wedding day
A poem about things your love about your partner
A poem or love letter about when your partner makes you feel awesome
A book to start a Couple Appreciation Diary™ to share things you each enjoyed or appreciated that day (with your first entry!)
A collage of pictures and mementos of fun times in your relationship
An outfit, costume, or toy to represent your fantasy
Anything that speaks to your desires, dreams, preferences and such
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship:tm: philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple :tm: content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected:tm: with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’ve been told that I’m a hopeless romantic and that my steadfast positive outlook could be nauseating. LOL Yes, I believe people can change for the better. Yes, I believe relationships can change for the better. When people waiver, they can find this annoying or experience it as a pillar of strength… What team are you on?
Believe me, sometimes it is better to call it quits. But I find that some don’t put in enough well concerted nurturing to create a change in their relationship before they give up. They rather feel tortured, or give up, than do something different themselves… We only have control over what we contribute…
This time of year is really challenging for couples. “Blue Season” is harsh on relationships. Your struggle might feel more daunting than usual. It might feel like it is time to call it quits. How do we know when it’s time to call it quits?
Well, I teach our couples not to make a decision when not feeling well, when in transition, during a rough patch, when intoxicated, during a fight and such. When people chill out and the storm has passed, they usually regret their decision. This is why you see couples that break-up, make-up, break-up, make-up, and so on. When partners tell me they broke-up, I take that as a grain of salt.
The key is not to stay together for the sake of staying together. What’s the point in that? I’m talking about staying together and creating an amazing relationship. This takes focus, intention, nurturing, kindness, mercy, appreciation, gratitude, and personal accountability. It doesn’t work when you complain about the other not having personal accountability…
When we focus on what the other is doing or not doing, we miss the boat. Then we wonder how come we can’t get traction… If you are complaining about your partner even if only to yourself in your head, STOP. You are just torturing yourself and won’t be creating an amazing relationship any time soon…
SO, around now I like to combat the Blues and relationship woes with a Love Launch™, in the name of what I usually call the Valentine’s Day Season. J This Love Launch is about stepping it up in showing love, starting today!
Love Launch™
During the 4 Weekends leading to Valentine’s Day (or another occasion, or just because!), you are to make a real concerted investment at nurturing your relationship.
COUNTDOWN – Weekend #4
This weekend you are to do at least three (3) of the following:
Select a chunk of time to Gift to your partner for their personal use – you take care of all the responsibilities that go along with the selected time (give a chunk that your partner would appreciate not that is convenient for you – make it count!)
Give a chunk of time with your undivided attention to your partner to do something they want
Do a chore or take care of a responsibility you normally wouldn’t do
Cook, order, set up, make reservations, whatever for all of your partner’s favorite foods
Do a pampering gesture that you know your partner enjoys
Give extra affection the way your partner likes it
Be generous with appreciations, acknowledgements, compliments, and praise
Tell your partner a bunch of things you love about them
Pick up a little treasure gift that will touch your partner’s heart
Pick up a practical, luxurious, fun, sexy, or what makes the most sense right now gift or your partner
You can:
Ask your partner which three (3) they want if they are all the same to you, or if you are OK being stretched
Choose the three (3) you want to do and give your partner the heads up
Choose and do your three (3) without telling your partner what’s up (see what happens…)
In any case, the investment is Fun. Do it with gusto and to please your partner. Put on the “dating lens” – remember you’d do anything for your partner then…? Go all out to make an impression. And, you enjoy the process as you go…
Let’s keep rocking more Love not only to combat the blues but also obviously to create our successful relationship!
Stay tuned for next week’s post on Weekend #3 of our Love Launch!
Complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Happy Loving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Plan out how to carry out your Love Launch™ nurturing behaviors to build anticipation, for follow thru, for a richer experience so you both get tons from the investment!
For example:
Make a list of things to share if you are doing the Words of Affirmation type of nurturing
Plan out meals ahead of time – don’t leave it as a spur of the moment choice or decision…
Get on the same page early about chores, childcare, and such
Go shopping early – don’t leave it for Sunday night…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Right about now I know many are feeling discombobulated, overwhelmed, unmotivated, anxious, depressed, lost. This is not uncommon for this time of year. There is such a let down from the frenzy of the holidays and pressure to rock the new year that people feel paralyzed. If this is you do not worry. It makes sense!
In fact, this week includes a Blue Day – Blue Monday (the 3rd Monday in January), the most depressing day of the year! The post-holidays crash, wintry dark days, arrival of unpaid credit card bills, and realization of unkept New Year’s resolutions would do that to some. Here is a fun site on this for kicks: http://www.bluemonday.org/. You might also want to check out getting a Light Therapy Lamp!
So now is the time to be gentle, compassionate and loving towards yourself. Now is the time to pamper and comfort yourself out of the slump and reset so you can have your most amazing year yet (no pressure!). I am currently playing with an AMAZING book on self-care, The Woman’s Comfort Book. It’s by Jennifer Louden, who also wrote, The Couple’s Comfort Book.
This is a terrific resource for finding ways to expand your self-care, self-nurturing, self-pampering, self-soothing, self-love, and such. It provides tons of different ways to accomplish these and a robust resource list the specific topics she covers. Just glorious…
Focusing on this for yourself will help empower, recharge, reset, motivate, and inspire you. Just what’s needed right about now. And, while you are it, check out the Couple’s version to get your Relationship off to an amazing start as well. 🙂
Most people focus on things like releasing weight, exercising more, saving money, and paying off debt. Not many include a relationship goal or intention when thinking about the New Year… If you do, you get a gold star!! This is interesting as being in a happy relationship is one of the most important success, health and happiness indicators in our life…
So, how about it? Let’s make it a new habit to pay better attention to our love life and our partner… The book I mentioned above is a great way to start nurturing your relationship. Also, you can get our weekly Laser Relationship Assignments™ if you don’t already get them to help you create your Successful Relationship™.
Let’s share more TLC and Love starting TODAY!
Complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Happy Blasting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Let’s keep it simple! Sign-up for our (FREE) weekly Laser Relationship Assignments™, a relationship enrichment program, to keep you focused on nurturing your relationship this year. It gives you strategies for healing, communicating, collaborating, and creating the changes you want. This is an easy way to stay the course on your relationship goals. Start creating your Successful Relationship™ now!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Partners protect themselves because of the inherent vulnerable position in their intimate primary relationship… It is not uncommon for partners to protect themselves by using forms of control. Control provides a sense of security, safety, preservation, asylum and even freedom.
But these are elusive, they are like sand running through fingers, and hence control is pervasive… Control provides a false sense of being OK, promoting disconnect, pain and dissatisfaction. When partners use control they are actually creating more space between each other. Obviously this isn’t the way to go.
Control can take on many forms. Some common ones include: Anticipating, assuming, mindreading, projecting, using logic and rhetoric, fact-finding, and assigning motive. All which have a negative impact on the relationship…
In anticipating, partners love to think they know what the other will do, how they will respond, what they will choose, how they will feel and such. Yes, because historically our partner has been a certain way and because we know our partner, we can anticipate what might happen…
When we operate from a place of already knowing the outcome, we are not allowing something different to happen. We are not allowing our partner, and even ourselves, from being or doing something different, which is what would create the change we are seeking…
We can make all kinds of assumptions for the same reasons. We might be historically informed, but we are cheating the relationship from evolving. When partners relate through assuming they are creating circumstances for things to go wrong and to be disenfranchised. They are short-changing themselves of an opportunity to connect by checking-in, getting on the same page and synchronizing.
Mindreading is a real arrogant way of being in relationship. Who are we to know what’s in someone else’s mind? Yes, we can make educated guesses, but this is extremely intrusive and disrespectful. We are going in our partner’s mind with our own filters… There is nothing trustworthy of the information coming from this tactic. Talk about really setting ourselves up to fail. Note, this does not refer to imagining how somebody could feel, using compassion…
Projecting is how things get really interesting… Partners start going around and around on topics and experiences losing track of whose issue, feeling, or need it is… This is crazy making in interactions…
Logic, rhetoric, and fact- and truth- finding are all ego-driven. These are ways to prove ourselves right and to make our partner wrong creating a lose-lose situation. And, what’s the benefit in that?
Assigning motives is a sure way to shoot ourselves on the foot. Partners going through a rough patch rarely assign positive motives, give their partner the benefit of the doubt, or extend grace. They are usually convinced their partner did what they did on purpose to hurt or because they don’t care… They assign intentionally and assume the worse.
While these are common, they are not exclusive. Partners have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves to survive their relationship… Imagine employing several of these and others in your interactions. This is the surest way to create bizarre and messy situations.
When you can’t follow what is happening in an interaction or get anywhere, it’s because a lot of these are going on… Make sure you don’t create more damage… Clean this up, and fast! The life of your relationship depends on it, literally!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
All of the control tactics are actually boundary injuries… If you find yourself doing the above, or other control tactics, then you are owning your partner and not owning yourself…
If you just had the thought that your partner is controlling, this applies to you as well as you are still “other-focused” and that’s part of a lack of ownership approach… What are you doing or not doing that is inviting your partner to be controlling…? Identify how the way you are carrying on is controlling in and of itself…
Any boundary injurious tactic constitutes putting a knife to the bond between you… This is a most painful, dissatisfying, and hopeless approach to our relationship. Mind how you can clean up your side… Be super diligent about this. The better the boundaries, the better the relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify where you cross boundaries in your relationship.
If in doubt, ask your partner… Be ready to receive the feedback, and be grateful for it. Don’t take it as a criticism, it’s just feedback to help you in your evolution…
Do NOT give your partner unsolicited direct or indirect feedback. It is not your job to be their teacher… Your job is to learn from the feedback you get…
Understand how you are crossing boundaries, and what need you are trying to meet. Clean up how you show up, and try a different approach to get your needs met.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I frequently witness partners’ devastation when feeling stuck in their relationship. They share about their pain and hopelessness. They believe things are as good as they are going to get, and think there is nothing that can be done to change them.
The pain is great because if this is as good as it’s going to get, then they think they shouldn’t be in it. And, with that come feelings of failure, betrayal, resentment, anger, loss, sadness and such. In this dooms day perspective they perpetuate their pain…
What’s interesting is that this happens when they are triggered. If asked at other times how things are going, it’s usually far from dooms day. But, when we are triggered it is very easy to miss the forest for the tree. Partners put on blinders and only see the episode that hurt them or threw them off track, and all the previous similar ones.
They are great historians and skilled at threading this negative pattern… They focus on this one dimension of their relationship and refuse to see the rest that’s good, or even amazing.
When partners focus on what is not working as a theme and really harp on what goes wrong, they are setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are looking for things that don’t work. They are looking for their partner’s mistakes. They are looking for things that bother them. And, find they will because nobody is perfect.
They are hyper-vigilant and on alert against their partner… Donning this lens is nothing but self-and-other-defeating, relationship sabotaging, limiting and down right abusive of our Self and our Partner.
The ruminating on the events and interactions that hurt us just serve to retraumatize ourselves. It keeps us stuck in a negative thinking loop, that generates hurtful feelings and that keeps us from acting from our Authentic and Highest Self… This promotes nasty behavior towards our partner and neglectful behavior towards our Self. It is very difficult to set effective loving boundaries and maintain our self-care practice when we are in this place.
We are reactive, and sometimes don’t even realize it… If we continue to nurture our grouch, our lens gets dirtier and dirtier to the point where we lose our sight period. We lose our perspective completely. Then of course it’s hard to imagine there is coming back from the current experience or that something different is possible…
The first item of business here is to suspend all judgment, slow down the recursive thinking, and put ourselves on a time-out. Imagine you can hit a pause button where the movie can stop playing, do that… Do whatever it takes to stop ruminating, analyzing, fact-finding and the like…
This squirrely activity is just like you drinking the poising and expecting your target to die. Stop poisoning yourself! Do any activity that releases positive chemistry in your brain and helps you change your state. You are responsible for how you feel…
From this place you are more resourced and are now able to address your trigger. But don’t go at it until you are able to see your partner’s experience. If you can’t or as soon as you start thinking about it you get retriggered, then you are not ready to address this with your partner. Keep at this until you are ready. Otherwise, you’ll keep hacking at your bond and creating more damage that becomes harder and harder to repair.
Do whatever it takes to see things from your partner’s viewpoint and experience. Understand what is happening for them and the pain they are also in. Access your compassion for their side. Then you’d be ready to effectively and productively address the initial trigger.
Your job is to keep yourself in a resourced state as much as possible, or more and more, for your relationship to work. If you are intent on being right, being resentful for how you’ve been wronged, and upset then there is little chance to make changes in your relationship. Might as well quit now and save yourself a lot of aggravation. But, please know that this does not have to be your outcome! You CAN push through this veil and enjoy the Light on the other side…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The boundary in this instance is of containing yourself. If we refuse to take the hook our partner is casting and if we refuse to take ourselves on a ride, we minimize the damage we usually do. When a trigger happens, take a moment to regroup, change your state, gather what’s happening for you and for your partner, put it all in perspective and then you are ready to go back.
From a less escalated, regrouped, and resourced place you can more easily repair, get back on the same page, and move on. A key element here is that when you take your leave from the situation, that you still remain connected… Otherwise, the triggering continues…
How do you usually keep retraumatizing your Self? Make a commitment now to stop that! Give your Self a lot of love and compassion.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Regrouping!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Escalation-proof your relationship to prevent stuckness and hopelessness:
Make an agreement with your partner on how to implement time-outs to prevent escalations, and discuss how to reentry.
Identify items that easily put you in a positive state and integrate them into your routine.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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