Ok, so you’ve been together for a long time, or maybe not so long, and are feeling time just passing you by and your relationship not moving or progressing with it.
You find that you still have a lot of the same issues, unresolved concerns, repeating arguments, don’t feel connected, are living parallel lives, can’t seem to have fun together or enjoy each other’s company, are bored, and feel empty. You are just going through the motions and question your commitment to your relationship and your partner.
Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario. Couples get sucked in and chewed up in the power struggle and seem to be unable to get out of it. They go around and around in their cycle for what could be ever if nothing is done about it. Relationships don’t just get better or become enjoyable again on their own. The partners need to do something different to make this happen.
I know this is easier said than done when you are stuck in the cycle and your behavior and reactions appear to be on autopilot! This is the more reason to make a conscious effort to address your situation.
The hint to getting unstuck is to take a step back and do a perspective change. Look at your situation from your partner’s perspective: put yourself in their shoes with their mindset. How are they looking at the situation? How do their history, wounds, personality, wishes, expectations, etc. influence their view? From this place, what do they want and need? How do they see you? How are they experiencing you?
You might not like what you see. Our behavior, reactions and expectations make perfect sense from our perspective, but when looked at from another angle they are flawed, or better said, they don’t flow or make sense from that point of view. Not for nothing you and your partner are not seeing eye-to-eye and are disconnected.
When you look at your interactions from both your perspectives and the chasm between you is apparent but the views clearer, you have a chance to start closing the rift.
The usual inherent difficulty here is that it is very difficult to see our situation from our partner’s perspective and a tough pill to swallow at that. But once this is achieved, following the simple guidelines above, the reconnecting, and healing, can begin.
The first and most important part of this is to actually tell your partner how you see the situation from their perspective. You are hence validating their experience and bringing them back to life. They are no longer absent, invisible, detached, gone. You don’t have to agree with how they see things, but the mere fact that you are able to see how they see things allows them to come back into existence. They have a voice.
This is necessary to even the playing field and to be able to have a conversation. A partner without a voice can’t conversate and be present in a relationship.
Resurrecting your partner gives you a chance to give life to the relationship you want. With a live partner you can create a joint perspective from which change can flow. This perspective is created by mutually and consistently sharing each of your perspectives while validating the other.
From this place it is a lot easier to meat each other’s needs. It is a lot easier to tailor our behavior or reaction when we know how it hurts our partner than when we are feeling attacked, criticized, taken for granted and ignored!
Go ahead – give it a try. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and start dancing to a new tune!!
Happy Dancing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Next time you feel getting sucked into your usual arguing listen for your partner’s hurts and disappointments hear their perspective. Put your reactions on hold and don’t listen for how this affects you, how you are hurt, what you need, etc. Put your stuff on HOLD!
Just listen to your partner and tell them what you are hearing them say (without making assumptions, interpretations or mind reading) and tell them how you understand their perspective and how they could be feeling as they do as a result (you don’t have to agree with it or see it the same way).
Now ask your partner what behavior change you can make to fix their complaint. Here you might need to coach them a bit on giving you very specific behavior change requests. For example, just be nicer to me, is too general, but, when I come home give me a kiss hello, and when I got to bed a goodnight kiss, is a lot more doable.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What we resist persists. What we focus on expands.
We are super powerful creating creatures…
Our mind is a honing device for creating, a GPS for getting places… We create what we think whether intentionally or not. Left to its own untrained devices it creates the chaos and unruly inner experience with or without our consent… That’s just how the mind works.
It is our responsibility to train our mind, to have a fabulous inner world that can be reflected in our outer world. If we have bad inner world habits, we have chaotic energy, send out conflicting messages, and therefore create inconsistent results in our life… And, this of course, applies to our relationship.
This is a very messy and dissatisfying way to go about having the relationship we want. As a matter of fact, this ensures that we do not create an awesome relationship. It behooves us to explore our scripts and underlying subconscious believes around relationships to identify how they serve us. Unless attended, we usually have a mess here…
It is imperative that we clean house. It is imperative that we align our beliefs to our values and desires. It is imperative that we rewrite our scripts and mind our thought patterns.
It is imperative that we instill good mental hygiene, that we refresh our thinking to focus on what we desire. If we do not take charge of our most valuable and powerful tool that is our brain-mind in the game of life, we won’t win. We won’t create our Authentic Life and Awesome Relationship. Indeed we’d create exactly the opposite of what we set out to create.
Proactively programming and rewiring our brain, establishing a healthy and successful mindset, and having supportive mental habits ensures we create the life and relationship we desire and deserve, for I know that we are all here to experience a magnificent relationship as part of our human experience… It is our duty to fully follow our human directive and do whatever it takes to meet this challenge.
Set the intention now to upgrade your relationship and to experience its inherent synergy and magnificence. Take a moment to envision it in its full glory. In your minds eye, play the tape of your awesome and magnificent relationship with your partner on a given day. What happens when you gain awareness first thing in the morning? What do you do before you get out of bed? What is your morning ritual? How do you get ready for the day?
What Self care measures do you do? How are you relating with our partner? How do you go your separate ways? How do you stay in connection? How is the rest of your day set up? What recharges and inspires you? When do you touch base with your partner? How does it feel? How do you plan for reconvening? What special ritual do you have? How does the rest of your day or evening look like?
How are you enjoying your partner? How do you feel? How do you retire for the night? What ritual do you have in place? How do you set yourself up for restful, recharging and healing sleep? How does the next day go? The rest of the week? Weekend? Month? Quarter? Seasons? Year?
Take your time to fully envision and feel each desire, creation… Feel it in your bones, as if it’s already happening. In your mind and desires it already is, and so it is…
Quite down any resistance by observing it and letting it go. Go back to each question and flesh it out to your heart’s content… Imagine it’s next year at this time and your relationship has been upgraded… Your vision is a reality… How do you feel? Really, your vision is a reality – how do you feel? Expand this feeling… Feel it… Your sit with this…
This is your intention for the next year for your relationship… Repeat this exercise DAILY… Do not slack off. Stick with this… Make a commitment to strive and create the elements of your vision. Think, feel and behave EVERYDAY as if your vision is already a reality… Do whatever it takes to make this happen. It is up to YOU to make your masterpiece… And so it is…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Intentioning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
One way to ensure we stick with our goals, resolutions and intentions is to create a new habit.
To create a new habit we need to automate how we approach the task at hand.
The way to automate our approach is to set up a Relationship InvestmentPattern-Repetition™ (RIP) around it.
Set up a RIP™ around investing in your relationship. Here are some ticklers…
– Sunday morning sex, breakfast in bed, brunch in different settings
– Synchronizing schedules and plans for the week on Sunday evenings to ensure weeknight(s) couple time
– Monday night couples session (coaching / therapy)
– Tuesday and Thursday joint exercise or neighborhood, park, beach, other walk
– Wednesday night special couple dinner
– Wednesday night Chat™
– Friday movie, game, hobby, outing, other night
– Saturday date night
Agree to your RIP™ with your partner and set it up by rearranging your schedules, making ongoing reservations, purchasing related memberships or subscriptions, calendaring babysitting, etc.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com
With the hustle and bustle of the year end activities and holiday preparations and festivities, it is no wonder that we might feel a little over extended and perhaps have been neglecting our selves and loved ones. With the New Year just around the corner, it is time to shift gears and change our focus. It is time for fresh starts and new beginnings.
If your relationship has been feeling deprived, stuck, troubled, or just needs a little pick me up, now is the time to infuse it with new life!Think on what you want your relationship to be like. Close your eyes and see it in your mind’s eyes. Take a moment to really see what your dream relationship with your partner would look like. Take a deep breath and take in positive energy, hope, wisdom and love. Exhale out any reservations, resentments and negative thoughts.
Try to see the ins and outs of your relationship: How do you relate? How do you make decisions? How do you resolve conflict? How do you have fun? How is your sex life? How are you otherwise intimate? How do you enjoy personal time? How do you enjoy couple time? How do you manage dual careers, jobs? How are your finances? How do you share responsibilities? Do you have children? How do you relate with them? What does your home look like? What are your couple and family rituals? How do you feel as a couple? How do others see you as a couple? How do you deal with your family-of-origin, in-laws, and friends? Really see your relationship. Feel it. Once you have a sense of it. Open your eyes. Put a smile on your face.
With the beginning of a new year comes the promise and hope for new, different, and better. The opportunity to start anew and fresh is here. In the New Year we usually feel recharged, hopeful, open minded, motivated, and open. Now is the time to tackle your Relationship Vision. Make a commitment to making your relationship vision a reality, and pour your refreshed and ready self into your Relationship Enhancement Journey! Make relating more intimately and connecting more deeply a priority. Start creating your relationship vision today!!
Happy Fresh Starts & New Beginnings, and Happy New Year!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Share your relationship vision with your partner, invite them to visualize their own, and then integrate the two to create a Joint Relationship Vision! Here is how to make your joint relationship vision a reality: Pick one of the items in your joint vision that you want to work on and make a reality right away (you can schedule in your calendars a session / date to review your vision and create more goals to keep the momentum going!).
Once you chose your target item create a concrete goal around it and get to it!! Your goal needs to be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time limited.
It needs to include who will do what, when, where, and how. Also, it is very important that you attach the sensory effect and emotions of your item to your goal (how will achieving the goal taste, feel to the touch, smell, sound, look like, and feel emotionally?).
For example, let’s say that your joint dream relationship includes having fun together but you are currently lacking in that department and want to enhance this part of your relationship first.
Your goal could look something like this: We will take turns scheduling weekly couple outings that are no farther than two (2) hours away, last three (3) hours in length, take place on Saturdays, for the next three (3) months.
Having accomplished our goal will taste sweet and bubbly, feel smooth and velvety, smell like pink and peach roses, sound like a running brook, and feel exciting, alive, connected, safe, and loved.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have a discussion with your partner about how to make the Holidays meaningful for you as a couple. Create a couple ritual that captures the essence of your partnership. Have fun!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The Holiday season is taxing. It is difficult to incorporate all the demands of the Holidays into our already jammed packed calendar: all those parties, the shopping, decorating, cooking and just all the extra details. And it is even harder when we are emotionally and physically exhausted. This is why I want to specifically target how you can make sure you are up to the part.
The first thing to do is to stream line your operation. Create room for the additional demands you’ll be putting on yourself and your calendar. So, put on hold, quit, or delegate certain projects, tasks and commitments. Don’t try to do it all!!
The second thing to do is to make sure that you stock up on energy and enthusiasm. You do this by making sure you are nurturing yourself (time for this is built-in in step one above): have a pampering session, take your vitamins, take catnaps, maintain your workout routine, stay away from sugar, caffeine and the like, eat nutritiously, maintain your spiritual exercises.
Use your support system to help you accomplish tasks and to lend you a listening ear, and have a focused action plan so you don’t spin your wheels and waste energy.
And, finally, and most importantly, put on your pink colored glasses. How you choose to look at things, people, actions and reactions, gifts, demands and expectations, etc. will greatly impact your experience of the season.
Your partner is an important part of this equation. How you communicate expectations, share tasks, nurture each other, and stay connected could mean the difference between surviving the Holidays or thoroughly enjoying them!
One way to make sure you and your partner are on the same team and operate as a well-oiled machine, is to invite your partner to dance. By this I mean to be aware of their triggers so that you are not unknowingly pushing them away and creating friction.
Being aware of what turns them off and makes them uncooperative, and staying clear of these, welcomes them to dance with you. When you choose to see your partner as trying to take care of themselves and their wishes as opposed to trying to make life difficult for you, life just gets more negotiable and easier.
How do you know what are your partner’s triggers? You know! Being overbooked, long drives in traffic, endless shopping trips to crowded malls, all work and no fun, being bossed around, not giving suggestions or ideas, not being consulted when plans are made, not helping out, you know.
Your partner has been telling you forever what things they don’t like, just listen and compromise. Make deals and reward each other. And throw them a bone! A happy partner means a happy you!!
Happy Holiday Planning!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Seduce your partner into having a marvelous Holiday Season. Tease, promise, dream, compromise, share, and throw each other a bone. Share your vision of what you would like the Holidays to be like and meld them into a couple holiday vision. Operating from a joint vision makes for an effortless experience creating room for merriment, romance, sensuality, pleasure, satisfaction, indulgence and – you name it!
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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